to be cross

[Hmmmwhatnow]

I'm going to family for half term. DH and I normally go together but he has to work so I'm going alone. I'll be driving c. 4.5hrs with 3 DCs (5, 2 & 3m).

DH and DF and DM have been whittling about the drive and now I find out DH had asked a (male) friend to do the drive with me and when that failed DF has booked a train to come all the way here in the am to drive my car all the way back again.

I love them so very much and I'm sure I'm a selfish ungrateful cow but I'm RAGING.

I just want to scream that I'm a grown up who travels the breadth of the country for work and I was looking forward to doing the bloody drive and above all I feel so restricted and infantalised.

aarrggghhhhhhh

The short answer OP is that your DH would find doing that drive with the DC stressful, while you just get on with it.

I used to live overseas and made lots of intercontinental flights with all four kids and no other adults when they were very little. I never had a problem..... However, I have had a few, umm,memorable car trips with them

I remember one car trip where DC3 screamed and screamed and screamed. It was hideous and a trip that should have taken 2:30 hours took twice the time. There was also quite a lot of vomiting involved whenever DC4 went for long car journeys.

I think the suggestion that someone travel with you isn't that bad but if it was anything to do with you being a female I would still be pissed off.

Worra I suppose I may be seeing sexism but that's because particularly with the DCs/driving it's there. It's assumed most childcare is the mothers job in our family and it's automatic if a couple is driving together the DH will be the one driving. I and my oldest sister find this wholly irritating while middle sister has become so reliant she can't ever visit me as she daren't do the motorway without her DH

On the flip side baby isn't sleeping through and is EBF so all up to me so tiredness could be a factor however I had farmed out the toddler to DMiL tonight so I could get extra sleep in the am when baby naps before setting off at toddlers naptime. I was prepared what a waste of time.

Now I'm not getting to drive I'm staying up late MNing like a defiant teenager

YANBU.
I am the sort of person who would rather be driven than drive, would hate to drive that sort of distance alone, and I would still be fuming in your shoes. It is the fact that they went behind your back and decided for you what you could cope with, and what was right for you.
At no point did they consult you, that is not on!
You are obviously a confident driver, and this should have been at the very least discussed with you.
Also they could have done it so differently, if your DH is concerned about the children playing up (which could happen) he could have just asked you how you would deal with it. Then together you could have explored options - distraction techniques (bringing toys/snacks/music etc) or pulling in somewhere safe till they calm down etc. DH could have suggested your dad joining you to make it easier at that point - but the decision should have been yours and only yours to ask your dad.

Hmm what do you meN you are not getting to drive?

Come he'll or high water I'd be the one driving. My Dad who wouldn't do this to me in a million years would be sitting in the passenger seat.

Agent it's odd! DF was adamant that we were all well educated and always able to be self sufficient (tick), that we wouldn't be cow towed by anyone (tick) but then we are still expected to be the childcare/housework/unable to drive ones.

It's like DF and DM tried really hard to chuck off the sexist stereotypes for us but slipped at the last hurdle. I'm giving them full credit for trying though.

Blue it's expected I'll now put dad onto the insurance in the morning. He does so much for us I'm just not sure it's worth the fight or upsetting them. I think I need to grit my teeth his time. DH when he's back from his work trip will be receiving rather different treatment however!

Elephants bang on with that comment he wouldn't even attempt it you are right!

Hmmm! My DM is the same. I was encouraged to be independent and self reliant from an early age. She was a single parent with a waste of a space ex husband. My DM is in some respects a truly aspirational woman who did not rely on any man but still fails in some respects.
" scurry, do they let you go out on your own at work?"
" yes mum, I'm a fully fledged Police Officer and I can now cross the road on my own!".

LOVE that scurry bet they let you go out in rough areas without a gallant male sidekick too!

Oh yes, so long as my mum holds my hand -

I don't think its anything to do with you being the little woman.

I wouldn't even consider doing that drive on my own with a 3 month ebf baby - certainly not when mine was that age - let alone the other two.

How many stops would you have to do in 4.5 hours? I wouldn't even fancy doing that with assistance.

Respect! Do let us know how it goes.

Well Olgaga factoring in "mummy I need a wee", feeding breaks, baby poo breaks, toddler poo breaks, "mummy I dropped x very important object" breaks, stopping DD1 & 2 throttling each other breaks and a break for me to wander around trying to get The Levellers "Cholera Well" out of my brain (DD1s current favourite on repeat song). I reckon we could check out every stop between here and Yorkshire.

But that's ok I was going to start a guide to "service stations of the UK", was going to make my fortune

Precisely. So why don't you think it would be easier with some assistance?

Seems to me the problem is you & DH don't have time to talk much?

You're kind of making out that if someone thinks of 4.5 hours driving alone with 3 very small children as difficult that it's a weakness in the person.

I'm not saying that you would, but it's almost as though you'd struggle on alone with it regardless just to prove the point.

That would be much worse IMO.

Zig is right, there's nothing particularly admirable about tackling this on your own.

It would be pretty awful for such young DC to have no attention whatsoever while you plough on stoically up the motorway.

I'm sorry but its not about you but the children. Accept it for their sakes and hopefully, it becomes less stressful for you.

I can see the point that you should have been asked etc and I'm normally the first to jump on the 'because I'm a woman' thing but to be honest I think it's nice they care about you so much.

I wouldn't particularly relish doing that drive - I bet you're knackered and I don't think it should be seen as a challenge or a competition - just accept some help.

My PIL and DP's fuss around me all the time - they know I am capable of my fairly demanding career and driving on my own and stuff but they fuss because they love me and my family and sometimes it's nice to sit back and let them - no one else is going to do it.

Think how much your DF is putting him self out to come and make sure you're safe.

The last time I visited my in-laws the plan was to drive down with DH and the kids, and then on the way back I was going to drop DH off at the railway station and drive back on my own with the kids.

The morning we were due to leave MIL started saying that DH had to drive back with us. She was very worried but I stuck to my guns and refused his help. It was all a bit tense to be honest.

Honestly, I'm used to driving with the kids in the car and it's fine. DH isn't so used to it and gets stressed with the inevitable noise. Also our house is just off the motorway and the thought of having to drive into town to drop off DH at the railway station at this end was too stressful. It would have added an extra hour to our journey and the one way system by the station is a nightmare.

The kids were absolutely fine by the way. I stuck a DVD on and the baby slept.

It is patronising not to have discussed it with you.

I think I would do physical harm to my dp if he ever pulled this one on me! how rude of them to not even discuss with you!!

driving with an ebf is generally very easy if you time breaks etc well my sister does it a lot with her 8 week old because of where family who are old and can't/don't drive live. I ff my dd but was up and down the country on my own from her being a few weeks old. it was actually a lot easier than having older dsc's in the car!!

I think other posters are right they are doing it out of concern rather than because yiu are a woman although your dad driving thing is a bit weird but he may just be a crap passenger? I know I hate being the passenger on a motorway these days and much prefer to drive

hope the journey goes well op and please update with your dhs excuses!!

Agent I don't see it as a challenge and in the past DH and I have driven together then he has driven back a day later so the journey is easier so I do accept help. But in this circumstance I think the help far outweighs the challenge.

DF is still capable but does get tired and no longer likes to drive in the dark, he's going to do a 4 hour train with 2 change overs then immediately jump into a car and drive us all 4.5 hrs back. How is that safer or more sensible than me doing it myself?

Anyway after speaking to Dh I have calmed a little he swears that he's nut involved in DPs decision and that DF told him at the same time as me last night. He suspects and I think he's right that this is driven mainly by my DMs whittling as she really does see women as less capable in this circumstance. She's never been a confident driver so I can see where this comes from.

DH has also backtracked and said DFriend offered but then couldn't. Not entirely sure l believe him but again not worth a falling out and we talked about how it made me feel.

Anyway I've climbed off my high horse it's done now but I will be talking to DM as I will be unable to visit as often now DH has a new job because I won't drag DF here everytime if they won't "allow" me to drive alone.

Oh 2 other things

Olgaga it would be pretty awful for such young DC to have no attention whatsoever while you plough on stoically up the motorway.

I'm able to talk to them! And will stop to clean/feed them. They'll have toys and each other. I think the poor loves would cope for 4 hours! What can I do from the passenger seat, I can't take baby out of car seat even if she does cry.

And Pom I haven't heard that in years

Always handy to have an extra pair of hands on such long journeys. I expect the 2 year old will need a wee just as the other 2 have fallen asleep or something and it will be much nicer to be able to leave them sleeping while you do a toilet stop etc.
if it's about the actual driving then just say to your dad that you appreciate the extra pair of hands but you would prefer to drive!

This would give me the rage, and I wouldn't be adding anyone to my insurance to facilitate it.

I regularly drive 4+ hours to visit family with my just-4-year old twins, and have done since they were about 2 months old. I have managed their needs day in day out whatever we're doing, and on a long journey it is no different to a short one . They need something, you stop. Repeat for four hours instead of one :)

As others have said, friendly concern would have led to the OPs DH or DF saying 'are you sure ii want to do the drive alone? We could ask Fred to help'. Just arranging other plans means the DH/DF have decided OP can't cope and and presumed she will fit in with whatever they think best. Controlling, not kind.

OP I would thank your DF go thinking of you, but explain that you'd rather not pay extra insurance and you would rather drive yourself. He'll be very useful passing dropped toys and sticky sweets to the DC though, and will be useful taking the bigger two to the loo while you feed the baby at the service station. Thanks dad!

I regularly do a 3hr + journey with 2 dcs on a notoriously unpleasant road. When they were under 5 one of my parents used to get train or bus half way. I would pick them up thus breaking the journey nicely and then they would distract the dcs for rest of journey. I still drove though.

But it works well. 1.5 hours was about the kids limit for either snoozing or me entertaining them with eyespy then they get rowdy. They have seeing a GP to look forwards to and someone to hand them snacks and referee.

Maybe next time (or on return leg) half way would be good compromise?

See, my kids would act worse if grand dad was in the car as they'd get all excited and crazy. My dad would get irritated with them and it would end up being a lot more stressful.

On the last journey the baby slept most of the way and the others watched DVDs on the portable player. I gave them a bag of snacks each. They were very happy!