I am worried about 8 year old's individual piano lessons.

[Bluesky700]

Twice, my daughter has returned home from individual piano classes with a male teacher and gone straight to the bathroom, the first time washing her legs down with a jug of water, the second time straight in the shower. When asked about it she looks at me like, what's the big deal. She seems in all ways fine and is very motivated to learn the piano. I ask about the lessons, she says she enjoys them or she would ask to stop going. I ask what the teachers like she says what do you mean what's he like. So I am freaked out and am going to have a talk with her about other people and what it's ok and not okay for them to do. Any advice on how to approach this without freaking her out too, but helping her to feel she can confide in me if she needs to? The lessons take place at a large, busy music school with a good reputation.

Cancel those lessons asap.

Did you ask her why she was washing her legs? Seems a bit strange, but don't jump to conclusions

Omg, if washing her legs/having random showers is unusual for her, please please cancel now.

Does she do this at any other time when returning home from somewhere?

Turn up unexpectedly in the middle of the next lesson?

That does sound strange behaviour, I see why you are concerned. sounds like you are dealing with this in the right way.

I hope it turns out to be nothing.

Yes, turning up mid - lesson is a good idea.

Can you still inspect the unwashed clothes she was wearing for this lesson? Like you I'd find it hard not to jump to a certain conclusion but I wonder if she has wet herself and is embarrassed to tell you.

If you have any doubt and think something sexual has occurred then you need to seek advice. Perhaps your GP might be an idea.

Turning up mid lesson? OP, if you have even a whiff of concern or doubt about what I'd going up, for the love of god do not actively chose to allow another opportunity to occur.

Cancel those classes, and have a chat with your daughter.

Where did you find this teacher?

Does the music room have a glass window in the door you could peak through?

It sounds seriously iffy to me. Change teachers?

I would ask if anyone has touched her underneath her underwear or skirt (using whatever language you normally use for this eg 'private').

Stop the lessons or if you're satisfied with her answer then I would sit in the lessons. A good instrumental teacher will welcome a (quiet) parent.

Yeah that is very concerning behavior.

Did you ask your DD why she washed her legs with a jug of water or went in the shower?

Yes she could have wet herself or not like the sweaty piano school but I wouldn't leave her alone with him for another minute until I was satisfied nothing untoward was going on.

Ask around who else's DDs have lessons with him and casually ask their opinion

Why are you leaving her alone in the lesson? I still stay in the room with my 9 year old; all the parents do, the teacher prefers it.

I would take this as seriously as possible, cancel her lessons, contact OFSTED and tell them what you have told us.
Then sit down with her, have a general talk about what people can and can't do and tell her that you will find her a new piano teacher if she wants further lessons.
I would talk about her body in the general sense and see if she says anything about what has happened rather than asking if he has done x,y,z. Also emphasise that she should always tell an adult so that it doesn't happen to anyone else. Ive made it very clear to my children that the time when they are told they mustn't tell, is exactly the time that they must.
Don't forget that if something has gone on, then he may have threatened her with all sorts to not tell.

No way would I let her sit through a half lesson to catch something.

Sit her down, tell her you're very concerned and can she please talk to you.

If she refuses PLEASE leave her with the number of the NSPCC 0844 892 0225

Tell her she can phone them any time, from any phone, anonymously and talk about anything that might upset her. Leave her with the landline and tell her you are going outside to clean the car for 30 minutes.

If she is able to talk to someone, soon she will find a voice to talk to you too.

Please read this links, I think you will find them helpful.

www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse/if-you-suspect

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm

Don't send her again if you have concerns - if you think something untoward is happening why would you put her through another minute of it by sending her again just to turn up mid lesson? Talk about sending a lamb to the slaughter.

Often a lot of music teachers will allow a parent to stay but in another room, especially this age. Were you not given this option? You say she's returning home so the lessons are close by and she walks home by herself?

Have you sat her down and talked to her? She sounds older than 8 going by her responses so maybe she could handle a frank conversation.

In future have the teacher come to your home.

All the above about no more lessons till you get to the bottom of this OP. Alarm bells ringing.

OP what did she say when you said ''why are you washing your legs love?''. No answer at all? Is this normal for her?

One thought - when you're asking her about it, don't give any ideas for excuses. Like - ''why did you wash your legs when you got home love ... is the leather piano stool smelly?'', for eg. Let her come up with her own reason. It will tell you more than just 'yes'.

does your child go to/from the lesson on her own then? have you never been with her or at least sat outside the practice room?

I think we might all be jumping to a very wrong conclusion here and you need to be a bit careful about "phoning OFSTED" etc. Tell them what - DD has a shower after her lesson??
Yes, children should know about what is/is not appropriate touching. I would have this chat anyway, but try not to link it in any way to the piano lesson or the washing. Make sure she knows that she can tell you absolutely anything and you will look after her no matter what. I get that you are freaked out, but if she is otherwise fine, happy to go, not showing any signs of being withdrawn or unhappy or anxious, I would say there is nothing sinister in this. Is the lesson straight after school? is she sweaty from PE or a bit damp from having to wait longer to use the loo? maybe its a plush velvety piano stool and it makes her sweat, maybe the room is too hot. There are lots of possibilities here so don't assume the worst.

The lessons take place at a large, busy music school with a good reputation.

Unfortunately, a 'good reputation' doesn't stop individuals behaving in an appalling way, sometimes.

Might not be anything sinister here, but she is obviously behaving in an unusual way which is ringing alarm bells for you.

Say that you are going to sit in on the next lesson to see how she's getting on. Then see if she showers afterwards.

As a music teacher, - please don't make any accusations unless you are sure. You will literally ruin his life and stop him from working ever again. I know colleagues that this has innocently happened to. In their cases the child thought it was funny to do this, but my friends cannot teach again because of the accusation.
As a parent of 9yr old girl - I would be concerned. Ask if you can sit in the next lesson and make it clear that you are always around during the lesson. There should be a window in every 1-1 teaching room so I would be hovering around in view.
If there is no window- the teacher is a fool to start with, but then I would have a word with the head of music school about the rooms. Until then, do not leave her alone. But do not make accusations either unless you have real reason to.
Good luck.

Will she talk happily and freely about what she does in her lessons and what she has learned? Does she want to continue, have you let her know she can still have piano lessons even if she switches tutor?

I would agree with previous posters and sit in on lessons - from the start- as a condition of her continuing. I would also be asking other parents if they had noticed anything.

It does seem strange behaviour to wash her legs with a jug of water I have to say, and I don't think at that age I would have got a bath or shower of my own accord, it was always my parents saying it was bath time.

Thankyou PHANTO! As my daughter seems fine, I am really hoping there is a simple explanation for her unusual behaviour. It was my husband who found her washing her legs and she laughed it off. We assumed she had wet herself a bit but wish now we had checked. She has not been upset and has not been anxious about lessons so to just cancell them would be difficult to explain to her.