Family problems

[86BitGamer]

Hi

I would just like to get people's opinions about a situation and see if I'm going crazy by thinking I'm the one in the wrong or that my sister is
Backstory: I don't always answer my phone, I'm not attached to it like most people tend to be, to me it's a phone etc etc my sister rings me and I missed all the calls as didn't hear them etc
She then says that I should always keep my phone on me incase of emergencies, I proceeded to say the above (not attached to my phone etc) and she said and I'm air quoting here "well dads in hospital" obviously I was shocked as my father is never been truly ill. I asked why and she said his blood pressure was giving him problems or something like that, and then I hear my father in the background saying "why you telling him I'm in hospital"

Obviously I was furious and asked my sister why she would say this to me? And her reply was to "teach me a lesson that I had to keep my phone on me because what if it WAS and emergency.
(who in a separate occasion said to me I wasn't her brother because I would not do something she wanted as I was busy shopping at the time, and later was told by my mother that "she didn't mean it like that", my sister said she said it because she knew it would hurt me)

Now...excuse the long backstory but I would like to know am I in the wrong? Or am I justified in my actions to be utterly angry and upset let alone think it's sick my sister do this to me?
I'm 28yrs old my sister is 24yrs

She has a point though, if you are notorious for not answering the phone then maybe she feels like all responsibility would fall to her?

My parents used to be like this. Phones often off in their bags because they were 'for emergencies only' until I had an emergency and couldnt contact them because the phone was off.

I think you need to decide whether you need to know immeadiately if your dad was in hospital. If you would, then you should keep your phone by you at all time. If finding out a few days later would be alright then keep with your current phone usage.
I am glued to my phone. My best friend isn't. I know to not ring her mobile as she rarely has it on. We don't communicate like that.

Her thing about your dad is ridiculous she needs to learn that some people have different opinions.

K

Well, if you routinely don't answer your phone she may have a point.

She chose a cruel way to make her point though.

YANBU

What an awful thing to say to you, & put you under that level of stress you must have felt.

Ignore her. Answer your phone when you will. This attitude that we are & should be constantly available drives me insane. I can't abide those who are inseparable from their phones either (but that's a whole other thread!!)

Your sister sounds a control freak, your phone is for your convenience not hers.

Dh is rubbish at answering his phone, but if there is a real emergency, I would just keep on calling, ok them probably have a go at him for never answering his sodding phone, but I would never do s etching like that. Who does she think she is 'teaching you a lesson'. I'd tell her to do one.

YANBU but your sister is. A generation ago (or less) people didn't have mobiles but we managed. Even now lots of people are unable to have their phone by them all the time e.g. work doesn't allow it or the coverage is patchy. It is not always a requirement to be accessible 24/7.

Obviously in some cases it is a good idea and if you have a family member who genuinely does have health problems then this is one of those cases. However, it does not sound like this is your situation, just your sister being controlling and feeling narked because you were not instantly at her beck and call. She told a stupid and cruel lie - has she never heard of the little boy who cried wolf?

How long is it until you call her back if she rings? If it's the same day, then she really has nothing to complain about, but if you leave it several days or a week before you call her back, then she may have a point. You said there were quite a few missed calls, so over what sort of time frame were they?

I don't think people need to be contactable all of the time, but on the other hand, if someone thinks that they will get back to you in their own good time, that can be equally as rude.

It's a bit mean..... but I did very similar to my older girls' dad after he started screening my calls. It worked on him as well.

As others have said, you need to consider how you'd feel if there was a genuine emergency and you found out too late because you hadn't bothered answering your phone.

YANBU
I haven't got a mobile phone as there's no signal in our village. I have BT message minder on my landline; I usually don't answer it personally as I'm busy/out/in the garden etc.
I can't abide being chained to a phone. Most calls aren't all that essential anyway. I have one or two friends who sometimes ring again and again every fifteen minutes, leaving messages such as 'where are you?' which crazes me. It's never an emergency, they just want to chat and it's not convenient. I've just discontinued my BT message minder (as from next week) precisely to put a stop to all these messages!
If (God forbid) there was a family emergency, a message could be left and you could check your phone from time to time. It was incredibly silly and cruel of your sisterto pretend your dad was in hospital.
You decide about your phone, not anyone else. Your sis sounds a bit controlling tbh. (I've got a sis like that! She thinks she's in charge, irritating mare!)

If people want a ring back they leave a message... all this "missed calls" business - if it is an emergency, you would leave a "ring back - it is important" message.

I do not want to be at anyone's beck and call, nor would I expect them to be for me.

So, Hatespiders how will you know if there's an emergency without the message minder service?

My DH screens all of his phone calls except those from our DC. so if I need to get in contact with him I just use their phones He also
-knows- thinks it really irritates me.
Probably easiest to say leave me a message and if it's urgent I will get back to you, or alternatively tell her to text you with " urgent, need to talk", that way she will have to have good justification when you get back to her. let's be realistic years ago we all coped without mobiles, halcyon days, and even without home phones, and emergencies still happened.

She rang me and it was literally an hour after I rang her back, and she came on the phone like a raging bull!

She is very controlling, yesterday I was told I'm childish as I've not seen them but I've been busy etc

They threw in that I have time for my gfs family but now my own, and I replied with that my ffs family plan family gatherings and outings etc months in advance where as I have to be the one to always chase them it feels :(

I really hate the assumption that everyone must keep their phone close at all times and always make themselves available to anyone who wants them. It's a bloody blight on contemporary life.

People can leave messages or text if it is urgent. And, let's face it, it rarely is genuinely an emergency.

DH seems to think I should have my phone about my person at all times and be available to answer. He gets annoyed if I point out that I was, in fact, teaching a class or in a meeting or otherwise doing some bloody work not waiting in suspended animation for him to require me.

There's also the issue that people who phone all the time are much less likely to have their calls returned, simply because their frequency makes it less likely that they're actually important. And we know what happens to those who cry wolf (even if the OP's sister doesn't).

Even if the OP's dad was in hospital, it doesn't necessarily require instant action from everyone. Loads of people rushing to a hospital to stand around in a waiting room off hours isn't actually all that helpful. The medical team will be doing their thing and there isn't much that family standing around can actually do. Having the greatest desire to be the 'news sharer' and the most time available to jump to attention doesn't necessarily make someone the most helpful or caring.

I think your sister was ridiculous, it is your choice how you use your phone. Unless you have a family member who is likely to be taken ill at short notice I wouldn't be concerned. The ability to be contacted at short notice (often for minor things like your sis) is a modern curse.

As for your dsis next time she tells you something disbelieve her ( yes I would be that childish to prove my point she sounds manipulative).

I can see you coming back on here in 3 or 4 years time with the same complaints....

Your sister is coming across as a manipulative and jealous nightmare. You need to establish boundaries now or this will continue and worsen. If you don't you will eventually get posters here telling you that the only answer is going totally no contact with her.

(Maybe I am being a pessimist this morning :))

I'm glad that it's not just me who thinks it's bad/crazy/manipulative etc.

I also have to be the one to call them all the time and ask how everyone is, because I should be checking up on them to see how they are, and how my mother is, which I do from time to time but I am busy with my life too. They expect me to do this everyday, and I have been told that it's not theirs/my mothers job to have to call me. (I have ongoing medical issues, but no one rings to check on me, always has to be the other way around). The only time they (my sisters) ring me is to have a go at me for not calling, or have a go about something else. Never just for a nice chat!
I was told yesterday that my auntie has stage 3 CKD but it's my fault that I don't know as I haven't called specifically to ask. I had no idea that she even had kidney problems because when I ask I get told that that everything is fine. I have seen them all this week and no one mentioned it.. Yet it's my fault.
I just want to add in that I have two sisters living at home. So it's not as if the responsibility always falls to one dsis. On several occasions since moving out I have dropped everything to help them with whatever (usually silly stuff like the sisters are in pjs and don't want to get dressed so can I go and pick up mum and take her to get a ridiculously priced mixer on my first anniversary - yes real example, as you can tell I'm not quite over it!!)

My sister is always the instigator for everything it feels, to the point where if my mother has said something to her about me not doing this or I haven't called in a while etc, then my sister would be on the phone to me saying 'have you rang your mother to see how she is at all? If she is alive" (she lives at home with my mum)

I'm just at my wits end as it has always been like this :(

You need to distance yourself a bit. I think. No more errand running because your sisters are too lazy to get dressed.

It sounds like your sisters need to grow up and, well, get lives.

It's not compulsory to phone all your family members every day, especially when they can't be arsed to phone you. It's not like life is exciting enough to merit daily updates from everyone.

Having a go at you for not knowing to ask about every possible medical condition when they reply 'fine' to general questions about how they are is just bizarre. And nasty.

*I really hate the assumption that everyone must keep their phone close at all times and always make themselves available to anyone who wants them. It's a bloody blight on contemporary life.

People can leave messages or text if it is urgent. And, let's face it, it rarely is genuinely an emergency.*

Exactly this ......

.... obviously, if there's a known possibility of urgent news, it'd make sense to keep a phone about you, but otherwise, in the course of most people's normal days, it's rare to get an emergency call. As has already been said, in the days not too long ago when no-one had a mobile, people generally managed one way or another and whilst undoubtedly there are occasions when mobiles are very useful for contacting someone immediately I'd question whether this relatively rare benefit actually outweighed the intrusiveness and obligation which many people now feel.

It's not actually THE LAW to have your mobile fully charged, switched on and on your person ALL THE TIME you know. There are times when, for a variety of reasons, I want peace and quiet, and will therefore either leave my phone elsewhere, or screen calls. I will return (non-urgent) calls when it's convenient for me if I'm busy doing something else, just as I've ignored landline calls on occasion for the same reason. Calling someone does NOT give you the right to demand immediate attention and then get "offended" if - boo hoo - you don't get it. Similarly, if I call someone else and they don't pick up I really can't be arsed to get too bothered about it most of the time because I understand the world doesn't revolve around me. If it's urgent, then I'll leave a message obviously.

OP - I think your sister sounds horrid, spoilt and very immature TBH. It was especially nasty to make out your dad was seriously ill when he wasn't - stupid cow - has she ever heard of 'the boy who cried wolf' I wonder ? Frankly, if I had a sister who behaved like that it'd make me less inclined to answer her calls anyway - seeing as she's both rude and a liar.

Have just x-posted with your last post .... sounds like there's a lot more going on than spoilt sister getting the rage about phone calls. What a nightmare she sounds, and a hypocrite too. I know it's hard, because I've been there with a very difficult sibling who I've now been NC with for many years, but you need to keep telling yourself you're not in the wrong here and shouldn't be made the family scapegoat. It's especially hypocritical to bawl you out over this issue when no-one seems to give a damn about you unless it's to criticise. And being completely honest your sister's involvement in your life, and her expectations of you, given your respective ages, is rather ridiculous and none of her business. Try to step back and ignore her - don't get involved with her petty accusations, or defend yourself when you feel you've done nothing wrong. I think perhaps that by responding to her it's like feeding a troll who thrives on the drama. Next time she starts just say you don't want to discuss it, say goodbye and hang up. Let her think what she likes, but don't engage.

My phone is off by default. A number of family members are horrified by this - tough. If it is an emergency they can call my work number. If they don't know what that is, I'm not the person they need to deal with the emergency anyway.

In the situation with your sister, I would have assumed it was an example and not a real emergency, given that you'd already had a fairly long discussion about phone etiquette. Who would do that in an emergency? You'd say what the emergency was first.

I'm with you on this OP. YANBU
I don't always answer my phone either. It's my choice whether or not I want to talk to someone at that particular time and in that particular place.

And as others have said, you young people don't remember a time (which wasn't that long ago!) when we didn't all have mobile phones.

And it was a stupid, nasty trick.

Who phones their brother up to say: 'have you phoned your mother today? Do you even know if she's alive?' Your sister sounds like an arse.

I can't imagine she'll be checking up on her (perfectly healthy) mother's health status every day when she finally leaves home.

Fuck i hate this idea that everyone should be immediately available to everyone else!

When dcs are elsewhere i keep the phone close by but when they are with me i leave it wherever it is. I dont turn it off or on silent but if it rings i dont rush to it. I get there when i'm done with whatever i am doing and if it is urgent then the person would ring again and again or leave a message surely?

When we were small sometimes the phone would ring while we were eating and nobody was allowed to answer it. I take this same attitude with my mobile. Sometimes i just dont want to answer my phone!