AIBU to not tell my son the truth just yet?

[Whotookallthegoodnames]

Have name changed, as this is very personal, didn't want to risk my usual user names.

Basically, my parents, dsis and my DP all think I am BU, because I won't tell my DS (8) how his dad died.

His dad committed suicide when he was 2. It was horrible, and obviously an extremely difficult time, which I don't like to go back to too often. I had split with his dad when was only a few months old, and from then until his death, he only saw DS sparodically, so they never really had a close bond, although there are a few pictures of him with DS and I have given these to DS to keep.

When DS was younger and asked about his dad, I explained that he died and went to heaven because he was very poorly. I mean, how was I supposed to explain suicide to a three year old? I have always planned on telling him the truth as a teenager.

He didn't ask any questions for a few years after this, and didn't bring his dad up again. During this time, I met DP, and since DD was born three years ago he often calls DP Dad.

However, recently, DS was around my parents and they were talking about cancer, and DS said "my dad died of cancer". My parents and dsis obviously know the truth, but they, asked DS what cancer his dad died of, and DS replied that he died of brain cancer.

My parents were then furious with me, for "lying" to Ds's and telling him that his Dad died of 'brain cancer', but I have no idea where this all came from. I didn't even know that DS knew about cancer or brain tumours or anything of the sort as we have never talked about those things before. I have only told him that his dad died because he was very poorly, he must have put that to mean cancer on his own.

As karma would have it, the whole Michael Macintyre story has been in the news, Michael's step mum has only told him that his dad committed suicide recently, in his adulthood, which Michael is upset about as he had been told that his Dad had had a heart attack.

So my family and DP are saying that I need to tell him the truth now, as if I leave it, DS will carry on telling people that his dad died of cancer and will resent me when he's older for keeping the truth from him

But he is 8 for Gods sake! I just can't bring myself to talk about this with him at this age. I really don't believe he is ready.

AIBU?

I think you need to do some age appropriate progressive disclosure. You don't need to sit down face to face - which you certainly will when he's a teenager.

Agree you need to speak to Winston's Wish, but how about, next time you do something together mentioning the illness being in the head as he thought, but a different kind of illness. Perhaps a few months later add another detail, and so on.

I agree finding it out from cold more devastating

This is very sad but I think it's best to tell him sooner rather than later. The problem with not telling him is that it might end ultimately end up giving him the message that suicide is something to be ashamed off and something that mustn't be discussed.

I would use the fact that he has mention brain cancer to tell him that you noticed that he hadn't quite got his facts right. Tell him that he is correct that his Dad died because his brain was 'ill' but that it was mental illness and not cancer.
Of course, it is ok to let him know that if he wants to tell friends etc his own version then that is ok but that you wanted him to understand.

I have no experience of this situation so my point of view is based on what I think would do with my own kids.

I think you need to find an age appropriate way of explaining the truth rather than just saying he was poorly, 8 is young but definitely think old enough to be given the truth! My dad commuted suicide I was 14 so much older but I was told from the get go what had happened I worry that if you tell him when he's 15 or someone let slip at a later date it could back fire on you although you felt like you were protecting him waiting for the right moment he might feel lied to, hurt and feel he is unable to trust you or confide in you how he feels about his fathers death. I don't know of an age appropriate way of telling him suicide especially is a hard subject but there are charities you can speak to Winston's wish would be helpful definitely seek advise.

YANBU .

I think your family were out of order to ask your son what type of cancer his father had. They would know he didn't have any cancer and there is no actual reason they had for asking him.

I have a nine year old and no way would I be telling him something like that. I would possibly tell my 13 year old son and maybe my daughter who 11 but my nine year old is still so young.

Your parents have NO right to be furious with you. It isn't their decision. Ask them why they are so cross and why they think it is anything to so with them.

You have the final say in this and I would make it very very clear to my family they were not to tell your son nor were they to ask questions of him. Totally out of order, it isn't flipping EastEnders!

To me I think it really depends on how mature your eight year old is (if any eight year old can be mature?! ;) I know mine isn't lol) but IMO I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My dad tried committing suicide when I was 20 and I found it extremely hard to cope with. I also found out at the time that he tried when I was younger, around 7 and I can honestly say I am glad that I never knew at the time.

I think your son definitely does need to know, but I think you will know when the time is right, don't feel pressured into telling him early. :)

Lying never ends up well

Sadly his dad ended his own life but you are lying to him as well

Please don't allow this to come out in so me jermery kelye moment he may hear you talking about it with so else or it may come out from some one else and I can assure you you may loose his trust forever if no one else knew then I would say Yanbu however the chances of someone else telling is high

My sister lied to her son about being gay for year though it was common knowledge for years to everyone else in my family my son ending up telling his cousin because children are like that he is now so hurt he has gone to live with his father

Not only did she lie to her sone she endeavoured for all of us to become liars and tried to get me to lie to my son which I would not partake in

In my view lies and secrets made a already sad situation worse why don't you try family counselling

You could get some support in telling him

I am sorry that you are having to go through this.

I agree with pretty much everyone else though, you should tell him now. He's a good age to be told, old enough to understand an age appropriate version, but not yet in the difficult teenage years.

Saying to him now 'DS your Dad didn't have cancer of the brain, remember when I told you your Dad was poorly, well you were too little to understand then but now you are older you can understand that your Dad's brain was poorly and he thought that taking his own life was the answer, it wasn't, there's always help if someone feels like that, but he was too poorly to understand that'

Tell him now. You don't need to be graphic but he needs to know the reality. Him making things up about how his Dad died is because he is not aware of how his Dad died and is trying to make sense of it.

There will never seem to be a good time or an appropriate age but the longer you leave it, the harder it will get and you risk him feeling that he was lied to or had the truth hidden from him.

I've known lots of people know distressing things from a young age (Mum killed herself, Dad is in prison, Dad who is raising you isn't biological Dad etc) because they always knew, it was always there iyswim?.

But I've known others who found out later and it was a huge shock and brought up a lot of issues about their relationship with the people around them who knew but kept it secret.

The Charity SOBS is excellent for this
uk-sobs.org.uk/

You need to tell him. My friends mum committed suicide when we were young - she still believes it was cancer. It makes things incredibly difficult, and I worry what will happen if/when she finds out.

I have been thinking about this thread a lot, it's interesting how people see mental illness - Am I right in assuming most people commit suicide because of mental illness? It's sad that it's such a taboo subject. It must make it so much harder for the families of people who have committed suicide.

No one would hesitate to say someone died from cancer and I think people are more likely to say someone died of alcoholism or a drug overdose than suicide.

It must be a very difficult thing to deal with.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this but I think 8 might be a good age to tackle this.
However, do your research before you tell him and maybe let the school know so they can keep an eye on him and maybe investigate possible counselling in case he wishes to talk it through with somebody else. He may understand it better when he older but it would be much worse if he heard from somebody else and at 8 there are no major changes in life coming up (changing schools) and the hormones haven't kicked in so i think this may be the time to be honest and get it out there.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

You need to tell him before someone else does

At 8, I think he is getting to the age where you need to start being more open with him.

I would word it like

"Daddy was so very unhappy and chose to go to heaven" that kind of thing

Children do fill in the gaps in their own mind when information is missing. I was in the hospital in 2008 with some mental health issues. DD1 was 4 and DD2 was 2. It came out a year or two later during some family counselling that DD1 thought I had cancer. In her little mind, it went Mummy is very unwell = it is very serious = cancer is very serious = Mummy has cancer. She had been carrying around for those two years the fear that I was dying....

Anyways OP your son already has a full story playing out in his head. Please tell him, gently and kindly.