AIBU to not tell my son the truth just yet?

[Whotookallthegoodnames]

Have name changed, as this is very personal, didn't want to risk my usual user names.

Basically, my parents, dsis and my DP all think I am BU, because I won't tell my DS (8) how his dad died.

His dad committed suicide when he was 2. It was horrible, and obviously an extremely difficult time, which I don't like to go back to too often. I had split with his dad when was only a few months old, and from then until his death, he only saw DS sparodically, so they never really had a close bond, although there are a few pictures of him with DS and I have given these to DS to keep.

When DS was younger and asked about his dad, I explained that he died and went to heaven because he was very poorly. I mean, how was I supposed to explain suicide to a three year old? I have always planned on telling him the truth as a teenager.

He didn't ask any questions for a few years after this, and didn't bring his dad up again. During this time, I met DP, and since DD was born three years ago he often calls DP Dad.

However, recently, DS was around my parents and they were talking about cancer, and DS said "my dad died of cancer". My parents and dsis obviously know the truth, but they, asked DS what cancer his dad died of, and DS replied that he died of brain cancer.

My parents were then furious with me, for "lying" to Ds's and telling him that his Dad died of 'brain cancer', but I have no idea where this all came from. I didn't even know that DS knew about cancer or brain tumours or anything of the sort as we have never talked about those things before. I have only told him that his dad died because he was very poorly, he must have put that to mean cancer on his own.

As karma would have it, the whole Michael Macintyre story has been in the news, Michael's step mum has only told him that his dad committed suicide recently, in his adulthood, which Michael is upset about as he had been told that his Dad had had a heart attack.

So my family and DP are saying that I need to tell him the truth now, as if I leave it, DS will carry on telling people that his dad died of cancer and will resent me when he's older for keeping the truth from him

But he is 8 for Gods sake! I just can't bring myself to talk about this with him at this age. I really don't believe he is ready.

AIBU?

I understand that you want to protect him from the truth, but I actually agree with your family. I would gently correct your son and tell him his dad didn't die from cancer but that he was very poorly in a different way, that sometimes people are so very unhappy that they can't carry on, that's it's still an illness but that he has the wrong idea. There are ways of explaining it without being harsh and too adult.

Yanbu, your family have absolutely NO right to say what you should tell him. I think he is too young to handle the truth tbh and all the emotions that come with losing his dad in such a way. Your family should just back off and you should tell them that.

Could you seek advice from Winston's Wish, they help bereaved children.

Hi OP - suicide is such a dreadful way to lose a loved one and still something of a taboo subject.

Have you been in touch with Winston's Wish (charity that supports children affected by bereavement)?

They are excellent.

YANBU. People who commit suicide have an illness. It's just a mental illness that can't be seen. It isn't something to feel ashamed of, but it isn't easily explained to one so young. My cousin's father killed himself when she was 16. She went to councilling and was asked if she felt anger towards her dad. She said that she didn't because he didn't choose to suffer from a mental illness anymore than a person 'chooses' to suffer from cancer or heart disease. His death was the result of an illness. Tell your son when you think he is ready and tell your parents to butt out. Good luck.

Sorry I agree with your family too. A fiend of mine thought his father had died in a particular way until, in his 30s, he discover from a family friend it was suicide. Destroyed his relationship with his DM as he couldn't get over everyone else knowing this fundamental truth and him being excluded from knowing. There are ways to sensitively ad age appropriately explain this to a child - wiser people than me can help. Try the charity for bereaved children (name escapes me). FWIW I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation. It must be awful for you all

I'm not saying you should give him the full story as he's very young, but more that I would correct him so that when you do explain fully, he won't feel like anyone had misled him, by the way. Gentle but truthful and see what questions he has.

I think 8 is too young to know the truth. I think your plans to tell him the truth as a teenager is a sensible option. There's no "right" age to tell him in my opinion once he's older. It will be a shock but it's better to wait until he has the emotional maturity to understand it and understand why you didn't tell him earlier.

The risk is though will your family go along with it? It would be awful if he heard the truth from someone other than you. I dont think you are unreasonable.

Did you perhaps say something like "Your Dad was sick in his brain / mind" and he has interpreted it as brain cancer? I'm not sure about telling him. I suppose the fact he has raised it now and has misunderstood probably means it's a good chance to explain a bit more about his death. Very difficult though as 8 is still very young.

YANBU to feel the way you feel about telling your ds something so horrible, but he does deserve to know the truth. It will hurt him to find out when he's older, and the conversation will probably be harder when he's older as well.

As it is, your ds seems to think his dad had brain cancer so you could build on that by saying that it wasn't cancer, but his brain was very sick and it made him do something that it wouldn't have done otherwise.

Get advice from one of the children's charities that deal with bereavement, and there's probably advice that an organisation that deals with suicide could give you as well. Prepare yourself properly for the conversation, and there's no reason why it would have to be damaging for your son at 8 years old. He may well have more questions and some difficulty dealing with it as he gets older, but it's better that the feeling of being lied to by his own mum isn't added to that.

Phooey

It's not your child that isn't ready. It's you.

Tell the truth. Age appropriately of course.
By the sounds of it you have support to do so. Ask on the MH board. I'm quite sure there are (sadly) experienced people.

I have been in a not the exact same but quite close position as your son. I didn't find out till I was 22 when I was pregnant and asked (was unsure of family medical history). I had asked before but not for many years. I completely understood why she didn't tell me. There will come a time he needs to know, you know your son and I'm sure you'll know when the time is right.

I think that, as difficult as it is, lying to your son, or concealing the truth from him, won't do him any favours in the long run.

I would be honest - explain that mental illness is like any other illness and can be deadly.

Winston's Wish can give advice. There is also a great book called "Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide" by Kay Redfield-Jamison which is excellent.

I think you need to tell the truth.

Sorry but hard as it is I think he needs to know, he will find out at some point and the longer it goes on the worse the impact of finding out how his dad died will be.

I know that it will be hard but perhaps you can come from the angle that he was poorly in his mind and feelings rather than his brain. Explain that it wasn't cancer. I would also suggest talking to him about who he can talk to it about. My kids are adopted and have always known but the oldest has taken to telling anyone who will listen, not that there is anything to be ashamed or secretive about but it's learning to keep personal information personal.

I would suggest you get professional advice from an organization such as Winston's Wish.

Children regrieve as they grow older and their understanding of death changes. As with Michael Macintyre's example it is almost always the right thing to tell the child the truth in an age appropriate way so there is no big 'bad news breaking' at an older age where they may be more upset or resentful about secret keeping.

So if your 8 year old currently thinks his dad died from brain cancer you could say 'no that isn't true, but he did have an illness that affected his brain that made him very sad so he didn't want to live anymore'. An 8 year old approach to death is often very factual and practical so he may then have loads of questions. It's also common for children to then carry on as normal but throw out questions in short bursts just when you think they weren't thinking about it anymore.

I'd suggest advice from a child bereavement charity would be very helpful for you knowing when to talk to him and for him to know there are other children in the same situation as him as his needs will change as he grows up, becomes a teenager etc. I would worry that the longer you don't tell him, the harder it will be and the more likely it is he will find out from a stranger.

By she I mean my Mum by the way.

I agree, I think you do need to tell him and 8 is a good age to do it. Most 8 yearolds are beginning to get a fair understanding of the world, but preteen, teen attitude and mixed emotions haven't kicked in.

I think you would do well to talk to someone about the most age appropriate way to do it and get support.

A quick search brought up this on Winson Wishes website, which might be helpful.

Ok thank you for your replies.

This charity Winstons wish greyhound, will they give advice on how to talk about these things with children?

You are right that I am not ready boomtown, I am not! but I still don't think DS is ready either.

I think I will have to approach him about his belief that his dad died of brain cancer as that is not true, but, if I do tell him that his dad was 'poorly in the mind/brain', will I have to go all the way and tell him about the suicide?

Thank you freckledleopard I will look for the book on amazon

Please be honest with your son.

Not graphic but honest.

Make sure he knows it wasn't a brain tumour but a different kind if mental illness.

Get doevif a dvice from winstons wish but my opinion is the sooner he knows the truth the sooner he can process it b

Ds1's father (my ex) committed suicide when ds1 was in primary school.

I told him the truth, but not the how. I said I would tell him when he was older. He knew his father was in hospital because he was very unhappy - depressed, so much so that he didn't really know what he was doing. Sometimes people's brains give them the wrong information, and they end up making decisions which aren't 'normal'.

I talked about him quite a lot, and he had his own photo album containing photos of his df. I think I told him when he was 10 or 11. He had asked before then how he had died. I just said that I thought it would be too upsetting to know, and that he would be able to process it better when he was older. He was upset when I told him, but not overly so.

He had counselling with Cruise when he was in Y7, which really helped him.

Tbh, I think you should explain further to your ds. Mental illnesses make people do all sorts of things which they wouldn't do normally. It's not a reflection of the people around them, and their relationships, but simply that the brain isn't working like it should.

Stress that he can ask you anything about his df, whenever he wants too.

It is nothing to be ashamed about. It is an illness, just the same as a physical illness.

Hope this helps.

You definitely need to tell him the truth. We are bringing up a child who did not know his mother took her own life (this was all before he came to us). He found out on his own, by going through some paperwork to find out what happened then googled the terms in the coroner's report. He was not much older than your son when he did this.

Winston's wish will help you tell him.

I'm with CaptainAnkles on this one - you're playing with fire if you don't tell him the truth (age appropriate of course). I totally understand you want to protect him, but he's asking questions and obviously is filling in the gaps when the answers he's getting from you don't give him the information he needs. Delaying until he's a teenager is just delaying the inevitable - when would you tell him at 13 ? 15 ? 19 yrs 11 months ? Before GCSEs / after A levels The longer the delay, and he'll be dealing with why you didn't say anything as well as why his father died with the added complication of teenage hormones whizzing around.

There are so many ways he can find out the truth from somewhere, someone other then you - he could google his dad's name, a kid from school could mention 'your dad did what Michael Macintrye's dad did'. And it would be so much worse finding out like that than from you.

You don't need to wade in all guns blazing - you've set the scene - daddy was very unwell, so now you need to tell him he took his own life. www.winstonswish.org.uk/ is a charity which offers support for bereaved children. If it's too painful for you to tell him, could maybe your DP or grandparents explain things to him, with you there.

Please tell him sooner rather than later.

I'm so sorry for your horrific loss. The only thing I'd add to the very wise words on here is to do with how you approach explaining suicide. Maybe rather than "he didn't want to live any more" could it be explained as "his illness meant he felt like he couldn't live any more"?

It just avoids the implication that those who lose their lives to depression have a choice / weren't strong enough / didn't have enough to live for. It was the illness that took your DH's life - just as if he'd had cancer.

It sounds as if you're doing a wonderful job with your son.