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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just argued with dh about labour

39 replies

buaitisi · 23/10/2014 12:47

Hi, fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable, 25 weeks preg and irritable today.
We have a 4 year old ds, during labour with him, midwife made a few mistakes, can't remember that much but another midwife had to come in and fix things up, tell her what to do etc. I panicked a bit during it too and didn't feel confident in her. When the doc came in he seemed exasperated with her and said something along the lines of 'step up your game'.

Anyway, at the time me and my dh, then dp, had only been together a year and a bit. He was really scared and i didn't really feel I could lean on him or get any support from him.

He did come to the antenatal classes but I don't think he was paying attention and didn't read anything I got him on how to help during labour.

I'm in a different country and didn't have any family or friends here at the time.

After, when i spoke to people about the labour, he would say 'no in thought the midwife was good, you just weren't doing what she told you to, if you had listened and done exactly what she said there wouldn't have been any probs'

When I mentioned the mistakes she made he'd say 'well, MAYBE she did, I don't remember that but then again I was distracted with everything else going on, I just think you took a dislike to her'.

Tonight we were talking about the upcoming labour for this preg and I asked him to please read up on labour so that if I panicked again I'd know I could look to him.

He started again with me taking a dislike to midwife. It's really annoyed me, i lost confidence in her cod she messed up and didn't feel I could rely on her, I told him I need one person in there I can rely on and can he please make an effort so it's him.

Nope, I'm being unreasonable and difficult. I know he was there too but he obvs didn't have the same experience as me, since ds was born he's made me feel like I failed labour in some way by not just accepting the midwife was great.

He thinks the support person is the midwife not him and I should put my faith in them no matter how they are.

Aibu to expect him to step up to be just asuch support if not more?

OP posts:

cakedcrusader · 23/10/2014 13:05

I think you would really benefit from having a doula, yanbu at all but it sounds like he just isn't going to "get it" and you are going to get more anxious as the pregnancy progresses unless you know for sure that you will have proper support during labour.

Pootles2010 · 23/10/2014 13:09

Yeah I agree - he may be a lovely dh but a lovely birth partner he is not. A doula if you can afford one?

KnackeredMuchly · 23/10/2014 13:10

That sounds awful. He is being a total knob.

I'd make him watch 3 series of One Born Every Minute. Hours and hours of it. And I'd tell him how he needs to shut up about the previous labour!!!

Iggi999 · 23/10/2014 13:13

He doesn't sound like a lovely dh at all. Unless he thinks saying all this will make you more positive about your next labour. How dare he say you were doing things wrong when in labour? Obviously you found a way to forgive him since you're having another!

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 23/10/2014 13:15

My husband was with me when both children were born, but he was there for support and encouragement, and for fetching and carrying, he was not there to offer medical advice or to check that the medical staff were "doing it right".
If I were you I'd try to have someone with you who is familiar with childbirth (friend, relative, doula), and who you feel confident will represent your wishes if you're not happy with the way things are going.

Original poster

buaitisi · 23/10/2014 13:26

He was great with ds when he was born, did most of housework and cooking in first few months while I bf. Would take ds on weekend mornings so I could sleep.

Adores ds and I think he is so grateful to the midwife because she helped bring him into the world he dismisses my thoughts on her.

What annoys me is his thinking he knows better than I about birth and labour even though he read nothing or remembered anything from the classes. When we got to hospital I felt like I needed to take care of him too, he was really overwhelmed and scared and didn't have the first clue on what was supposed to happen next etc.

It makes me so sad when I see other partners knowing how to time contractions, give massages, know the different stages of labour etc. He doesn't know anything about it and doesn't think he should.

When ds was born and we had people visiting he always told stories of the labour as if he played a massive role and was so helpful.

OP posts:

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 23/10/2014 13:30

YANBU. I took an instant dislike to the midwife who took me to the suite and DH supported me in that. He felt that my instinct was more important than hs opinion.

It turned out my instinct was correct. She arsed me up big time and I ended up with a formal apology.

CarryOn90 · 23/10/2014 13:34

Get a Doula OP

BertieBotts · 23/10/2014 13:39

Is it a cultural thing? Ie is he seeing labour as a women's thing that he doesn't need to know about? If so could you put it to him that as you're so far from your mum/sister/other female relatives, you really need him to step into the role?

Original poster

buaitisi · 23/10/2014 13:44

Thanks all, I'll look into doulas.

Have no family here, wish my mom could be with me but we emigrated.

Did you or anyone you know have doulas? Is 25 weeks too late to get one?

He might step up when I mention I'm looking into getting one.

OP posts:

Original poster

buaitisi · 23/10/2014 13:49

Not a cultural thing, he actually doesn't differentiate at all between women and men's roles.

He did go to work while I stayed with ds for two years but got up in the night with him and did more than half of all childcare & housework, only childcare he didn't share was bf and was really supportive while I did that.

I think he loves the idea of people thinking he's a great dad and involved so if I mention a doula he'll take it as an affront.

OP posts:

Lizardc · 23/10/2014 13:57

My brother (well, his fiancee!) had a doula, as did a friend of mine. Both found it a really positive experience. I shouldn't think 25 weeks is too late at all. I think it's a lovely idea - wouldn't mind one myself for no.3!

worldgonecrazy · 23/10/2014 13:58

Get a doula or have a female friend with you in labour, and just call him in for the actual birth bit. Doulas are fabulous, and if you get a trainee doula they can be very reasonably priced too.

Thurlow · 23/10/2014 14:02

I'd look at getting a doula too, if you can.

He clearly just has slightly different viewpoints on medical professionals than you do. Tbh, you undoubtedly remember your labour better than he does and if you took a dislike to your midwife and felt uncomfortable with her, that's your prerogative and he shouldn't really be questioning that.

But some people are better in certain circumstances than others. My DP wasn't especially great during labour, he tried his best but it just wasn't something he was able to embrace and to be fair I don't even think I knew what I wanted him to do just not whatever it was he was doing. I was quite glad when he was sent home, it was easier to cope on my own.

There's no rule that he has to be brilliant during labour. But if you feel you needed, and want, someone who was more understanding of what was going on and what you needed, then maybe getting a doula in would be best.

FYCandTheGhostsOfNagsPast · 23/10/2014 14:06

I have to say that I don't think I'd want him there during labour. It would be one thing if he'd done all his research and felt the MW was recommending the right things based on prior knowledge of both what you wanted and what was medically best, but a birth partner who ignored my feelings and didn't support me in what I wanted, would be worse than no birth partner at all.

Essentially labour is all about you. The only time your wishes should be questioned are if there is a risk involved to you or the baby, and even then it should be explained to you and you should be a part of any plan.

He sounds lazy. He doesn't want to discuss the options, learn your wants, tailor your birth to you, he wants to leave it all up to the medics. Well that's fine for a C-section, but natural births are all about the mother and supporting her.

I would get a doula, it's not too late, find someone you like and trust, and I think you'll have a very different birth experience. He can be responsible for childcare during labour.

I would only consider having him there if he changed his attitude completely and agreed on a birth plan with you.

redexpat · 23/10/2014 14:32

Have experienced similar. DH did come to antenatal classes but didnt absorb much info. He said afterwards he felt useless and didnt know what was going on or ehat to do. I had a less than good birth. This time ive read a different book so feel more prepared. Asked dh to read up do i could rely on him, and he daid that he wouldnt remember anything. At which point i told him that if he didnt take an interest then i would be having mil as my partner as i didnt trust him to be vocal when needed and couldnt be looking after him whilst in labour. Suddenly he stepped up ...

ps am also abroad so understand your limited options in terms of birth partner.

Snickersnickers · 23/10/2014 14:39

I would probably tell him to choose between being there and supporting or not being there, not supporting and letting someone else be your support (friend or relative)

Snickersnickers · 23/10/2014 14:41

Hes got no reason to be there if he's not going to support you. The last thing you need is some useless twat just watching you give birth

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 14:42

Def get a doula. I didn't know such thing existed first time round. My DH is lovely, was incredibly supportive, but when I took a dislike to my midwife in labour (who was cow, rather than incompetent) although he could see she was being a cow, he equally didn't have the confidence to tell her not to be - after all she was the trained professional in the room and he just wanted our baby born safely.

This time round. I'm having a doula.

MrsHathaway · 23/10/2014 14:46

If there's any situation in which women and men are not equal, it's when one of them is pushing a baby out of her.

DH wasn't much physical use during my labours, except as a familiar presence and for counter pressure. Rightly he doesn't claim to have done any of the work.

cakedcrusader · 23/10/2014 14:47

Doulas are wonderful

outofcontrol2014 · 23/10/2014 14:51

YANBU but if he can't understand that he needs to STFU about this, then there is no hope of convincing him. Honestly, I don't know where some blokes get off. You're going through an experience that is overwhelming both physically and emotionally to bring HIS child into the world, and he's telling you that you're not doing it 'properly' and not being 'rational'. He basically needs to zip it and realise that it is up to you how to do this and that whatever you ask of him needs to be delivered without any counterargument.

He is being a total knob. GET A DOULA so you have someone helpful in your corner on the day.

BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 14:54

I'm a little confused by your first post - sorry. Of course your dh should provide you with emotional support and help advocate for you during labour. But it wouldn't be fair on him, and could actually be dangerous, if you wanted him to read up on labour so he could 'oversee' the medical side of birth -ie intervene if he thought the midwife was doing something wrong. That's not what you meant was it? A doula is an excellent idea in any case, or a 1:1 midwife if you can afford that.

ribbityribbit · 23/10/2014 15:10

YANBU at all. He is being ridiculous trying to tell you how your labour went. It doesn't actually matter about whether you took a dislike to the midwife or not - you were in labour and your needs weren't adequately met and he is now dismissing your feelings. Don't get involved in a discussion about the midwife if you can avoid it. It is distracting (possibly deliberately!) from planning for your upcoming delivery.

If I were you I would think about exactly you would like from a support person (massage, encouragement, knowledge), write a list and ask him if he feels able to provide those things. If not, tell him you will bring someone else in. It clearly isn't the midwife's job to give you a massage. Tell him plainly that last time you felt you had to look after him as well and you don't want that to happen again.

I think a doula is a great idea. I think there is quite a decent stack of evidence to support having a doula, especially if your DH is being a wimp about labour and isn't prepared to offer you the support you need.

whiteblankpage · 23/10/2014 15:10

YANBU
When you're feeling your most vulnerable he really should have your back. Like a Pp said, are you sure you want him in there with you? Or at least get someone with you who you trust 100% and is totally focussed on you.

for you, and good luck!

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