To have just argued with dh about labour

[buaitisi]

Hi, fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable, 25 weeks preg and irritable today.
We have a 4 year old ds, during labour with him, midwife made a few mistakes, can't remember that much but another midwife had to come in and fix things up, tell her what to do etc. I panicked a bit during it too and didn't feel confident in her. When the doc came in he seemed exasperated with her and said something along the lines of 'step up your game'.

Anyway, at the time me and my dh, then dp, had only been together a year and a bit. He was really scared and i didn't really feel I could lean on him or get any support from him.

He did come to the antenatal classes but I don't think he was paying attention and didn't read anything I got him on how to help during labour.

I'm in a different country and didn't have any family or friends here at the time.

After, when i spoke to people about the labour, he would say 'no in thought the midwife was good, you just weren't doing what she told you to, if you had listened and done exactly what she said there wouldn't have been any probs'

When I mentioned the mistakes she made he'd say 'well, MAYBE she did, I don't remember that but then again I was distracted with everything else going on, I just think you took a dislike to her'.

Tonight we were talking about the upcoming labour for this preg and I asked him to please read up on labour so that if I panicked again I'd know I could look to him.

He started again with me taking a dislike to midwife. It's really annoyed me, i lost confidence in her cod she messed up and didn't feel I could rely on her, I told him I need one person in there I can rely on and can he please make an effort so it's him.

Nope, I'm being unreasonable and difficult. I know he was there too but he obvs didn't have the same experience as me, since ds was born he's made me feel like I failed labour in some way by not just accepting the midwife was great.

He thinks the support person is the midwife not him and I should put my faith in them no matter how they are.

Aibu to expect him to step up to be just asuch support if not more?

What specifically do you want him to read up about.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. If he doesn't live up to your expectations as a birth partner then choose someone else - yes he should be sympathetic if you felt the midwife wasn't good enough but he isn't there to provide you with medical assistance just in case. He's your partner.

Yes and a partner shouldn't tell you you did it all wrong during labour!

A woman can't actually do anything wrong in labour.

Labour happens and birth happens whatever you do and there's no exam to pass. It just is what it is.

My guess is he was scared shitless and In some daft way is trying up play it down so he can persuade himself that it didn't happen and it don't happen again.

Do you have a female friend or as others say get a doula.

Not everyone copes with seeing their partner in severe pain. It can be so stressful it's blocked out or minimalised and I think they may be the case here.

YANBU. But he needs to realise you need unconditional support during labour and that means another birth partner. Show him this thread.

No, he said she didn't listen to the midwife - an opinion from someone who was there, who has a right to express it. As I said, if he isn't living up to expectations as a birth partner, take someone else.

It sounds like leaving him to take care of DS, and taking almost any woman you know, might be the better plan.

have you spoken about this with the midwife/or doctor who has been watching your pregnancy? Is he attending your exams? Thats a big thing in the states, but it seems less so here in the UK, and I dont know where you are. But it would give you an easy way to bring it up, and if he stated his case, the professionals would likely say much that has been said here: there is no wrong way to labor, it isn't a matter of the mother following directions, but rather one of the mid-wife cooperating with the mother. They could neutrally discuss the expectations of a birth partner, and suggest that if he cant fulfil the role of birth partner, they would advise you to find someone else or hire a doula.

My husband was crap as a birth partner. So second time around he stayed at home with ds and i went to hospital with the independent midwife I had hired. One of the most positive, empowering experiences I have ever had (and this was after a traumatic birth with ds). DH was very relieved to be excused from it all so it worked well for us all round.

no in thought the midwife was good, you just weren't doing what she told you to, if you had listened and done exactly what she said there wouldn't have been any probs
That isn't telling her she didn't do it wrongly?

Do a hypnobirthing class with him and get a doula - the hypnobirthing classes v much include the birth partner and they learn how to support you, tell him you want a doula so that you can both relax and hopefully have a calm and confident birth (however it pans out)

I do think you're being a bit unfair on him. Your description of him makes it pretty clear he is a good and supportive partner. Being scared and lost during labour is not uncommon, no amount of reading prepares you for the reality of seeing someone you care about go through labour. Some people just don't react well to those kind of situations. Often people also don't want to feel they let you down and so have a different run of events in their head. Add to that the fact that a lot of people still blindly believe that a medical professional must be right in a crisis (as they see it) and I think you are probably coming somewhere close to where your dh is. Of course that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't/isn't enough for you.

Definitely look into other options for support because you need that. Your labour is all about you but you can't expect someone to be anything other than themselves regardless of your wants and needs.

I remember the first time my friends dh spoke honestly about her labour (aside from the usual "she was great" stuff. It was 6 years later and he sobbed like a broken man. He'd never been so scared or helpless. Despite a healthy dd and dw at the end he felt the price was too high and wouldn't entertain putting dw through it again. They'd had a pretty text book labour but, to him, it was something from a horror film.

YANBU, my DH was the same, didn't come with me to the antenatal workshop, didn't know what to do during labour, I'm not having him in with me this time around (I'm 16 weeks), I would recommend hiring a doula.

That's why people hire a doula. They iniw everything that needs to be done and can negotiate with the midwife on your behalf. Partners are usually pointless - they have no idea what is it like nor are ever going to have.
If you can hire a doula. They also have a scheme for people who can't afford them as usually a new doula would need practice.

Thanks for your responses everyone.

I don't want him to read up on labour to oversee the medical staff or anything like that. What I really want is just some emotional support this time round. Someone I can look to to say 'you can do this' etc. I felt really alone the first time.

Last time, I was re-assuring him that this part is normal, don't worry and because he was so overwhelmed I was almost hiding my feelings from him so he wouldn't freak out.

Even if he just looked up 'tips to help your partner during birth' or something, I'd be happy. If he tried and then felt he couldn't support me because it scares him, I'd understand but it's just the fact that he doesn't even want to bother to try.

Looking up doulas now at work, I'm in Aus and they seem really expensive!

Thanks for the suggestion to talk to the midwife at my hospital appointments, I'll do that.