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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my lodger is pain rude or an undercurrent of sexual tension?

34 replies

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 12:12

I am actually posting on behalf of a friend who has a lodger in her property who she generally gets on well with and they have lots of banter.

However, every now and then he will make a point of commenting about attractive women, even when they are in a restaurant and it is inappropriate. Then, to wind her up, knowing she gets cross If he doesn't let her know he will be late for dinner, he will turn up 2 hours late and not apologise. The meal is then ruined!

I advised my friend not to make him dinners anymore but she thinks it unfair not to as she is cooking for the rest of the family anyway.

What is going on here - the lodger seems to be winding her up on purpose. Could this be a sexual tension thing or is he just plain rude?!

OP posts:

Fudgeface123 · 23/10/2014 12:15

Why is he trying to wind her up? They are lodgers aren't they, not partners?

HairyMagratsScare · 23/10/2014 12:18

Why would she care if he found a woman attractive in a restaurant? If he is just a lodger then presumably he has a sex life & is entitled to have women back to his room?

If his dinner is ruined then he has to fend for himself, he's not her son or DH....

TicTicBOOM · 23/10/2014 12:19

She goes out to eat with her lodger?

Troublesometrucker · 23/10/2014 12:19

Yea I'm missing something here too...

He's a lodger... not a partner

Either she has feelings for him (hence she gets so wound up over his comments and not being around for dinner) or they're at it imho

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 12:41

Thank you, I have relayed this back to her. She is more interested in why he does not text when late and why he finds it necessary to talk about other women to her all the time

OP posts:

badtime · 23/10/2014 12:44

Yes, and that is what weird. I have never had a lodger but I have had many housemates, and would not give a stuff about those things.

Why does she care?

brujo · 23/10/2014 12:47

why he finds it necessary to talk about other women to her all the time

because it's fairly normal to talk about other people and things you are interested in - as long as the comments about other women aren't derogatory - why does it wind her up?

Plus the dinner thing- hmm - maybe let him fend for himself ? Perhaps that what he wants ?

Fudgeface123 · 23/10/2014 12:48

Exactly, why does she care if he talks about women?

Staywithme · 23/10/2014 12:50

I would be more concerned with the fact that your friend is treating him as if she has an interest in him. Maybe he's making the comments to make it clear he's not interested in her.

I can picture some poor bloke posting on here saying, "my landlady acts as if I'm a member of her family and insists on cooking dinner for me. Why doesn't she let me use the kitchen? She then gets offended if I'm home late and goes weird if I comment on other women. Should I move out? "

ghostisonthecanvas · 23/10/2014 12:52

Its a bit odd that she gets upset. All my lodgers knew when it was mealtimes. Turn up, don't turn up They are adults with their own lives. She sounds overinvested and maybe his talking about other women is a polite way to say he isn't interested in her.

DollyDreamboat · 23/10/2014 12:52

This is really confusing

I don't understand why she cares about any of it. Presumably they're friends, that's why they go out for dinner and stuff - so why is she bothered about who he looks at in a restaurant?

DollyDreamboat · 23/10/2014 12:52

Ah.. I think ghostisonthecanvas may have it spot on actually.

DollyDreamboat · 23/10/2014 12:53

And Staywithme also...

Staywithme · 23/10/2014 12:55

And Staywithme also...

Yay! I'm so needy.

DollyDreamboat · 23/10/2014 12:58

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 13:01

I think you have all hit the nail in the head!!

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/10/2014 13:01

He's the lodger not a live in boyfriend, surprised they eat out in restaurants together; unless they work at the same place and she means a staff canteen or restaurant? Anyway, why would remarks about other women (unless unpleasantly sexist) rile her so much?

If she finds it annoying when he doesn't turn up at meal-times when she's included him in portions, suggest she stops cooking for him!

Christmascandles · 23/10/2014 13:01

I'm not sure how not texting to say he wants dinner = sexual tension..?

Is your friend single op..? If so then I'd say that she would like some sexual tension or whatever with this guy but he sees her nothing other than a landlady or friend.

AdoraBell · 23/10/2014 13:09

Why does she have a lodger?

Is it because her DCs, possibly DS, have grown up and moved out and so there is a "spare" room and the money is handy? Or divorced/widowed?

She might be seeing this lodger as a replacement for whoever has moved out and left a hole in the home iyswim.

Defo some headology going on which makes her over interested in the lodger's life IMHO.

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 13:09

Another one who thinks its your friend that has an issue here, why shouldn't he talk about other women and why would this "wind her up" anyway?

Original poster

Spoonme · 23/10/2014 13:14

Christmas - sexual tension because she thinks he is trying to wind her up by being rude to get a reaction. I think you are all right though, the sexual tension is on her part.

OP posts:

kentishgirl · 23/10/2014 13:22

Yep, sorry, your friend is the one acting weird here.

I'm sure he's finding it hilarious his landlady is so hung up on his life, as though he's her partner/son instead of a lodger/friend.

Meals - is he paying for meals inclusive lodging? If so and he doesn't want a particular meal, so what, she's paid for it, she's made it, what lodger does or doesn't do with it is irrelevant. If he isn't paying for meals, so doesn't want them, she's creating her own problem with wasting food, not him. In either case, there's no way a lodger is obliged to report back to her on his comings and goings.

Women. What sort of thing is he saying. If she's offended because he's saying stuff like 'Kwooar, look at the rack on that, I'd give it one' then fair enough, he is a sexist pig and she's rightly offended. She should stop socialising with him. If he's just commenting on women he finds attractive, in a normal way, then what is her problem exactly? Why does she care? He can fancy whoever he wants to. Friends do discuss these things with each other. It's not rude, or a wind-up.

She's waaaaaaaaay too invested in him.

I think she either fancies him herself, or is thinking of him as a partner/son substitute or something. She sees him as 'hers', part of 'her family'. He isn't. She's definitely not thinking of him as a normal friend/lodger.

BettyFocker · 23/10/2014 13:31

The reason your friend is confusing the rudeness for possible "sexual tension" is because that's what she hopes it is. If a friend who I had zero feelings for talked about finding someone attractive, I would listen and join in like I would any other conversation friends have. She's bothered by it because she is jealous of him finding other women attractive.

Completely agree with Staywithme. Your friend seems to think her lodger is her partner or son. He is a man paying for a room in her house and is entitled it come and go as he pleases, talk about himself including relationships/other women and eat when he bloody wants! The whole cooking his dinner thing then being annoyed when he's later sounds like when I lived at home in my early 20s and my DM would moan I wasn't back for dinner despite knowing I had plans and I said everyday not to cook for me. She needs to remind herself that he is her lodger and that's that.

BastardGoDarkly · 23/10/2014 13:39

Has she got a partner op? Bet he finds it all a bit weird too

pinkyredrose · 23/10/2014 14:13

It's all in her head by the sounds of it. Does she want a partner ? Sounds like she's treating him like a boyfriend. I should think she's doing his head in. If I was renting a room and my landlady insisted on knowing when I was going to be home I'd be looking to move out pronto. Luckily none of my landlords or landladies have acted like jealous partners.

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