Can't believe the sheer brass neck

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

My ex-husband who hasn't paid maintenance for two years is due to have DS for half term next week. The usual arrangement is that he collects from us and we collect from him (we live 140 miles away). He has just text to say that he can't afford the fuel and can we do both trips The reason I am fuming is because I don't drive so my mum has to do it and she is self employed so misses out on work. I am having to foot the bill for fuel which will be 50-60 and I am hardly rolling in it. I only earn 20k a year.

This is the man who spent my maintenance money (when he was paying it) one month on a tattoo and can afford meals out. He is incredibly rude and only nice when he wants something.

AIBU to think this is incredibly cheeky?

Yanbu. Just say no. He needs to make arrangements himself. It's not as if he hasn't known that he's having them so couldn't plan for it.

I'd organise alternative childcare if you need it and tell him he can sort the transport out by himself! Call his bluff, he's taking the piss.

Very cheeky. Say no and that it's up to him to arrange his transport and that you also can't afford it, nor is your mum available. It's a shame for your son though....do you think your ex will cough up and pay for the trip if you call his bluff and say no?

If he really wanted to see your son he would move heaven and earth to do that. Tell him you're not doing the trips and he needs to put his hand in his pocket.

Have you been to the CSA?

I hope he doesn't want you to pay for an ice cream for him whilst he's there.

Say no

Absolutely say NO. Do not facilitate this wanker anymore. If he truly wanted to see his son he would have been scrapping every last penny together. What is he going to do with him while he is there if he has no money?

Get back in touch with CSA. I fucking hate parents like this.

Then he doesn't go. Simple. His inability to afford fuel doesn't trump your inability to afford fuel.

What's next buy him food to eat there because he can't afford to feed him.

His son is clearly not his priority and Imo he shouldn't get the privilege of having him there

If he can't even afford the fuel then how's he going to support his child for a week.

Well I hope you're going to say no. Otherwise you're letting get away with it and he'll keep doing it!

Text back "well we have a problem then, because I can't afford fuel either. Let me know when you've come up with a solution" and make plans based on the fact that your son won't be going to stay with him.

Just say, 'can't afford it either, what would you like to do? Can I presume week is off?'

Yes, its very simple, your son doesnt go?

whats the problem here?

its a no brainer, as much as I hate that term.

Suggest he borrows money or sells something on Ebay.

So really it comes down to a few of questions; Is your son desperate to go and will missing out affect him? If so are you happy to keep him from seeing his dad? If he isn't bothered and you don't think it will affect him are you really prepared for this man to take the piss?

I would be torn if I thought it might affect my son BUT I also know that my OH would do whatever it took to see our kids because he wanted to and would put them first so it's easy for me to say 'well if he wants to see him he should just pay or put your foot down' because instinctively I hate the idea of this guy being such an arse about this and it affecting you. I might worry that it would hurt the father son relationship - although I do see that in some cases perhaps this needs to happen and perhaps the child is better off not being hurt repeatedly.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. He will have to make alternative arrangements for a time when he can and be more sensible about his money. I know emotionally it may be more tricky than just that.

It's such a hard one because I desperately want to say no but DS really wants to go. On the other hand I don't want to set a precedent.

As for the CSA, he is on JSA so is supposed to be paying me 5 per week. However, since the 9th July, I have had 23.45 instead of the amazing 60 I should have had as they keep messing it up.

How old is ds?

You can't set a precedent. Explain to your son that it is his father's responsibility to make sure he has money to do his half of the travel, and prioritise this more than meals out and tattoos, and you cannot afford both ways.

I don't know what he has in mind for meals or entertainment for DS over half term but he is pushing his luck regarding transport. For all he knows your DM may not even be available for taxiing her grandson.

DS is 11, nearly 12. If I had a better relationship with his dad or I thought the favour would be returned then no problem. He just seems to think that because I work I'm loaded. My rent is2/3 of my take home pay fgs. Thank god for CTC and CHB.

He is chancing his arm. What a twat. Doesn't even pay a fiver. Just tell your son the truth. You cannot afford it and your mum cannot, either.

Sounds like this waster of a father will soon drop off the radar as he cannot be arsed to make any effort for his child.

he hasnt got fuel can you trust him to look after them at all when there.

i am sorry, i know its hard but they cant go,

Definitely say no. Can't set the precedent, and your mum taking a day off to do taxi run should be treated as an additional cost so it's even more expensive than if he does it. Tell him you don't have the money either and stand firm.

I agree with people saying if he can't afford petrol what about food etc. as this is a query about how he will take care of your son once he gets there. Could you ask him about this. It really isn't fair at all you are caught in a very difficult situation because you love your son and want to do right by him and your ex is, frankly, a bit of a dick.

I hadn't really thought about the food situation, I was just focused on the travel. I think I will email him to find out whether he can even afford that as I don't want DS to go hungry.