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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't believe the sheer brass neck

44 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/10/2014 11:55

My ex-husband who hasn't paid maintenance for two years is due to have DS for half term next week. The usual arrangement is that he collects from us and we collect from him (we live 140 miles away). He has just text to say that he can't afford the fuel and can we do both trips Shock The reason I am fuming is because I don't drive so my mum has to do it and she is self employed so misses out on work. I am having to foot the bill for fuel which will be 50-60 and I am hardly rolling in it. I only earn 20k a year.

This is the man who spent my maintenance money (when he was paying it) one month on a tattoo and can afford meals out. He is incredibly rude and only nice when he wants something.

AIBU to think this is incredibly cheeky?

OP posts:
AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 23/10/2014 13:07

In the nicest way op it sounds like your keen to send your sons there.
this means you are enabling him in his crap behavior and letting him get away with it.

He will never have any reason to question himself or change or make more effort because he knows you will pick up his pieces.

in which case you need to NOT get upset when he does this and accept he is rubbish and feckless and support him and have no expectations of him.

BettyFocker · 23/10/2014 13:10

I wouldn't bother emailing him asking him about food. If he says no will you pay for food to?

This man has no reason to be a better father with he has you and your DM to pick up his slack. Say no. If that means the week is cancelled then that is his fault. Your son's disappointment will be entirely caused by his father's inability to prioritise his money and desire to see his son above his own personal needs.

1FluffyJumper · 23/10/2014 13:12

If you have to drive to pick him up, cancel week and take son over for couple hours then....then drive back with him.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/10/2014 13:12

It may sound like I am keen for him to go and in some ways I am. Other ways not so much, I won't go into all the details but this thread has probably given you an idea. The poster that mentioned about the food has got me worried and I have just emailed him. if I don't get a satisfactory answer then he definitely won't be going.

It's so hard because DS loves him Sad

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 23/10/2014 13:13

What will it cost you if he doesn't go? Would you need to take a week off work, or pay for childcare. If it's cheaper for him to go and your mum is willing then send him - see it as a present to yourself and your son. If not, tell your ex sorry, no can do.

LuckyLopez · 23/10/2014 13:15

Who moved 140 miles away?

Tinkerball · 23/10/2014 13:17

Well ok of course your DS loves him but at age 11 hes old enough to know the truth, don't protect your ex just because you don't want your DS feeling let down. The thing is children need to learn to cope with disappointment - but it's not you that will be hurting him, it's your ex. Surely he should have kept money or saved it as this has been known in advance?

ilovelamp82 · 23/10/2014 13:17

Why don't you drop off and then when you get there tell him he'll need to bring him back instead. Something tells me he'll figure out a way.

Alternatively. Just say no.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 23/10/2014 13:30

The thing is children need to learn to cope with disappointment - but it's not you that will be hurting him, it's your ex. Surely he should have kept money or saved it as this has been known in advance?

agree and get your ex to tell him he cant see him and why.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2014 13:32

Just say no, if he can't afford it tough, no contact that weekend. Its up to him to take responsbility.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/10/2014 13:35

Well ds has to find out what a shit father he is! You are enabling him and as a result he is not taking responsibility. Be honest with ds, say his father cannot afford it.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/10/2014 13:35

We are the ones who moved but I don't feel bad regarding contact. Even when we lived 4 miles away he didn't see him loads, just fortnightly. Lots of great advice, thanks. Always good to hear what others think.

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 23/10/2014 13:37

Presume op will have last min childcare needs if he doesn't go

ZombiePartridge · 23/10/2014 13:39

You're not doing your DS any favours by hiding his dad's crapness op - at your son's age I think he should be able to rationally understand that money is not infinite and that if Dad won't pay, that doesn't mean that Mum has to pay.

If your ex really wants to see your DS then he'll sort it out. If not, then all the effort you make to enable their contact is wasted as you can't possibly make up for that lack of interest. I do feel for you, I have DC of my own and I'd hate to see their little faces fall. But you really don't want to set a precedent on this - I knew one woman whose sister flew her DD to and from Edinburgh (from Kent) once a month to see the girl's dad, as he couldn't be arsed to travel. Don't get to the point where you are the bad guy for not enabling shit behaviour from your ex.

nostress · 23/10/2014 14:09

So he has a car? How can he afford this?!

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/10/2014 14:14

No idea nostress. It's a really rubbish one though.

OP posts:
Snickersnickers · 23/10/2014 14:53

Just say that you are really sorry but your strapped for cash too and can he borrow the money from a friend

whiteblankpage · 23/10/2014 15:04

No, no, NO!!
This is his problem, I know i plan and save like crazy to make sure my daughters don't miss out, to the extent that I often go without when they're not with me. Much better to spend that money on family time than waste it elsewhere.

confusedandemployed · 23/10/2014 15:26

I think the point is, even if your DS does want to go, you can't give a person like that an inch. If you do it this time, chances are that he'll expect you to deliver your DS every time from now on. And you cannot afford it.

I don't think your DS is too young to be told that you can't afford to pay for both the delivery and collection journeys. It will be tough on him, but life is tough and no-one gets what they want all the time especially if they have a wanker father who prioritises getting tattoos over time with his son

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