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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I got a reason to be upset?

41 replies

cheeseandjam · 23/10/2014 11:42

I am a SAH Mum and have been since my son was born 7 years ago followed by his 4 year old sister. This has suited us as my partner works away a lot. Things have really shifted since my dd started school this September. I do all the cleaning, child care, cooking, washing and ironing and help with reading and school homework which at the moment seems to take up all my time. Money is quite tight and my partner is always nagging about food bills each week. I try and cook every meal from scratch and only buy healthy food. I buy a large bulk of the children's clothes second hand and even presents for them so I think I am quite good at being economical. Last weekend I bought a desk for me daughter from a nearly new sale for her birthday but my partner was annoyed that I my spent money we don't have. Today a parcel has arrived for him and I opened it to find a whole lot of mountain biking socks, gloves etc totalling to £51. I called him at work as I was quite upset. I haven't bought any clothes for myself for about 9 months and only have my hair trimmed twice a year. I don't go out for coffee with friends and don't have any outside hobbies. My only exercise is walking. He thinks I am making a huge deal about nothing but I feel really hurt. Apparently its essential that you have waterproof socks!! He is going out more and more in the evening but if I even ask him to mind the children while I go and clean the bathroom he will call me to sort out squabbles etc. Am I over reacting? I just feel rather undervalued and feel like I am slowly becoming less and less of a real person. Sorry for rather message.

OP posts:

cailindana · 23/10/2014 11:44

No, you're not overreacting. He is taking you for granted and treating you like an unruly servant.

AlpacaLypse · 23/10/2014 11:47

yanbu. Can I ask if you have a joint bank account? All the family money should be shared, and money for inessentials should be divided equally. A desk for a child to work on is not an inessential, unless he cycles to work waterproof cycling socks are inessential.

dancestomyowntune · 23/10/2014 11:49

I am also a SAHM, have been for about nine years. My dh would NEVER have a go at me for spending money on the children. He helps out at home when he's he, often cooks, does the school run... your dh is bu.

Allhallowspeeve · 23/10/2014 11:49

I would be upset too.

I think he is taking you for granted. In fact I'd send them back and go and get your hair done. What about you in all this? You are supposed to be a team in this. You should like the bloody hired help!

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 23/10/2014 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

browneyedgirl86 · 23/10/2014 11:58

Yanbu. Your DP is. Massively. He has no right to have a go at you for spending money on your children whilst treating himself to treats. It's not fair. You aren't the hired help. He's got no respect for you!

dreamingbohemian · 23/10/2014 12:03

I think there are a couple things going on here.

First, it doesn't sound like you two have an agreed-upon budget that you both stick to, and so this causes arguments. So the first thing I would do is sit down and actually work out that budget, how much every week for food, clothes, incidentals, etc. If he thinks you spend too much on food, he needs to prove it and show where he thinks he could do better. 50£ on socks does sound ridiculous but is this a rare thing? Is it the equivalent of your haircut every six months? (sorry but salon haircuts are not essential either) Basically you should try to have a little left over for each of you every month so you can both buy clothes/haircuts without resentment.

But beyond that, it does sound like there is a big imbalance in your relationship and you are being taken for granted. Does he still work away a lot? Could you get a PT job? I'm not excusing his attitude, but working would give you something outside the home and also help the money issues.

I do think he's being unreasonable but I also think these kinds of tensions are somewhat inevitable in setups like yours and I would try to shake things up a bit.

Nelleebellee · 23/10/2014 12:06

YANBU, he's treating you as a skivvy.

Why should he have treats while you can't even buy new clothes or your child a desk. Have you got access to money? If not I'd start reading up on financial abuse.

Original poster

cheeseandjam · 23/10/2014 12:07

Thank you for your replies. I feel a bit better now I know I am not overreacting. We do have a joint account but I always run anything I need to buy apart from food past him before I buy. Allowhallow very tempted to get my hair done now! I am just really hurt because I don't think he appreciates how careful I am with money. I think I also hurt by how much time he actually spends with the children too. I got upset recently when we went camping and I made a quick call to my mum He had been away all week with work and I had got everything ready for camping and packed the car so quite tired. He shouted at me to get off the phone as he couldn't cope with the children as they were fighting!!

OP posts:

redskybynight · 23/10/2014 12:11

I think you both need to sit down and look at your family budget and work out how much money you have left after essential bills are paid. DH and I have an agreement where we both have so much "personal" money that can be spent on ourselves with no questions asked. We also agree to discuss bigger purchases before making them.

As a PP said, it's hard to judge whether a one off purchase was unreasonable or not - if it is a very occasional one off, then perhaps not. I disagree that a desk is essential if finances are tight - my dC both do homework on our kitchen table. The problem seems to be that you don't know how much money you have available to spend!

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 23/10/2014 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TicTicBOOM · 23/10/2014 12:14

Honestly, and I say this as a very happy SAHM, I could not cope with this.

It's quite clear that he views his wage as his money, to do with as he pleases and to make sure you're not spending any of it on anything he doesn't approve of.

I wouldn't bother negotiating tbh, I'd be looking for a job.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 23/10/2014 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 23/10/2014 12:16

Yes, I agree that a desk for a 4 year old is not essential. But this is why a real budget would help, because you could have an amount each month for the children, and then it doesn't matter if every single purchase is essential or not.

The ad hoc way things are now where you tell him everything you're buying is just inviting judgment and disagreement. Do a budget, stay within it and then you don't have to argue over whether every little thing is essential or not.

This isn't the whole problem of course, his attitude stinks, but I would address the money issues first as that should be easier.

Only1scoop · 23/10/2014 12:19

'Ask him to mind the children whilst you clean the bathroom'

Jeez

Stop martyring.... tell him to mind the kids clean the bathroom and then pop out for a long awaited coffee

LadyLuck10 · 23/10/2014 12:19

Yanbu he is treating you like an unequal partner. If the kids need something you don't have to justify it. It's hypocritical of him to get upset with you for buying anything and then turn around and spend. He probably views it as he has the final say because he works.
I would get this sorted out Asap. You are in a position now to go back to work so that would be a start.

Nelleebellee · 23/10/2014 12:55

He also needs to be a parent, it's not optional.

attheendoftheday · 23/10/2014 15:08

Sounds like you need more of a balance. If he cannot cope with your children he needs to look after them more until he gets the hang of it. It sounds as though you could do with more time off duty too.

I would sit down and agree a budget for essentials, and work in how much money will go to each of you each month to spend as you wish (socks, haircuts, whatever). While you're at it you can divide up childcare and housework responsibilities outside his work hours.

123upthere · 23/10/2014 15:38

Start speaking up and loving yourself - drop the kids at school, go to a cafe, read a newspaper. Only do one hr housework max each day. Read more books. Start a degree. Train for a new career? Use the library.

Do not spend every waking minute cleaning or doing housework. You are not anyone's skivvy.

Spend evenings on sofa with him chatting. Have a pizza wine together once kids asleep. There is more to your life than cleaning. Once you focus on new hobbies/ new routine he'll notice you more.

YouTheCat · 23/10/2014 16:07

It's not called 'minding the children' - it's called being a bloody parent and doing your fair share.

He sounds like an utter twat. Shouting at you because you dared to take a few minutes to speak to your mum? He can't manage his own children? He's pathetic.

You take £50 and go and do something nice for you.

Ramsey80 · 23/10/2014 16:12

I just registered to reply to this thread. This situation sounds like our situation except I'm the one working full time.

If the tone of the replies so far are anything to go by I'll get flamed for turning this around.

I don't know if its the case with yourselves but for me and many colleagues we're exhausted from working every hour god sends only to be expected to do an even share with the kids.
Staying at home with kids is hard (I've done that too) but its more enjoyable than working full time with an expectation of doing 50% of childcare when you're not at work.

Why not all go cycling together?

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 16:13

Another person who appears to have sleepwalked into marriage and children with an utter twat.

YouTheCat · 23/10/2014 16:13

What even share? He isn't doing any share at all.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 23/10/2014 16:14

Oh dear Ramsey, I don't feel this is going to go well for you.

Nelleebellee · 23/10/2014 16:18

Work may be exhausting but if you're both at home you should both be doing the parenting. Else the working parent gets to relax and the other doesn't. How is that fair? One person should not be doing 24/7.

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