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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I got a reason to be upset?

41 replies

cheeseandjam · 23/10/2014 11:42

I am a SAH Mum and have been since my son was born 7 years ago followed by his 4 year old sister. This has suited us as my partner works away a lot. Things have really shifted since my dd started school this September. I do all the cleaning, child care, cooking, washing and ironing and help with reading and school homework which at the moment seems to take up all my time. Money is quite tight and my partner is always nagging about food bills each week. I try and cook every meal from scratch and only buy healthy food. I buy a large bulk of the children's clothes second hand and even presents for them so I think I am quite good at being economical. Last weekend I bought a desk for me daughter from a nearly new sale for her birthday but my partner was annoyed that I my spent money we don't have. Today a parcel has arrived for him and I opened it to find a whole lot of mountain biking socks, gloves etc totalling to £51. I called him at work as I was quite upset. I haven't bought any clothes for myself for about 9 months and only have my hair trimmed twice a year. I don't go out for coffee with friends and don't have any outside hobbies. My only exercise is walking. He thinks I am making a huge deal about nothing but I feel really hurt. Apparently its essential that you have waterproof socks!! He is going out more and more in the evening but if I even ask him to mind the children while I go and clean the bathroom he will call me to sort out squabbles etc. Am I over reacting? I just feel rather undervalued and feel like I am slowly becoming less and less of a real person. Sorry for rather message.

OP posts:
redskybynight · 23/10/2014 16:21

OP has school age children. She and her OH seem to have mutually agreed that she be a SAHM which by definition means she picks up the majority of the housework (which should not occupy all daylight hours) and childcare after school. I don't think this means her OH shoudl do nothing, but I do think 50% of the housework/childcare would be unfair.

I'm also wondering why OH needs to mind the children so OP can clean the bathroom - can she not do this while the DC are at school (or get them to help)?

KirjavaTheCorpse · 23/10/2014 16:25

Yeah OP, just go out for a nice bike ride and lower your expectations. That'll make it better.

Ramsey80 · 23/10/2014 16:25

The bathroom, mountain biking socks etc are all symptoms of a larger problem.
OP needs to talk to her husband so they can plan a way forward.

If money is tight is it unreasonable to expect the OP to get a part time job once the youngest is in school?

Sprink · 23/10/2014 16:36

Ramsey80, I'm not going to flame you at all. It's good to have different points of view.

The thing is, OP isn't asking for 50% responsibility of children. More like 1%. If a man doesn't know how to handle squabbles with his own kids, he needs to SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM, on his own. Not less.

It is definitely hard to come home from work and swing into full on mummy or daddy mode. Husband should get a break to adjust. But so should OP.

Also, the money handling needs to be sorted pronto. I thoroughly agree with the advice to put the onus on husband to improve how wife handles the money and where/how she could do better. He probably hasn't shopped in 7 years and has no idea how much things cost.

Except mountain biking socks. He'll know about those.

UnrelatedToElephants · 23/10/2014 16:46

A desk for a 4 year old may not be essential, but I'd argue that a birthday present is - and a desk is a useful one.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 23/10/2014 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 23/10/2014 17:00

So Ramsey, if she gets a part time job, she'll still be expected to do everything and work. Though I suppose at least she would have to go begging the person who supposedly loves her for money just so she can have a haircut and a few new clothes. But then if she's earning he'll probably start expecting that money to go in the joint account for him to spend on expensive unnecessary crap for him.

scallopsrgreat · 23/10/2014 17:00

Presumably this £51 and the extras he's spending whilst out every night are coming out of the joint account too? Why does he get to spend the surplus and not you?

His attitude towards his children is shit too.

Ramsay80: "If money is tight is it unreasonable to expect the OP to get a part time job once the youngest is in school?" If money is tight is it unreasonable that he doesn't spend it on himself but on the family? The issue isn't the lack of money it is the lack of respect from him and his attitude towards the OP and his children.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2014 17:01

Sometimes bathrooms need cleaning at the weekend...

Assuming the WOTH parent is working 9 - 5.30 + commute, then those are the hours the SAHP should work.

Rest of the hours, the duties are shared. Yes? If not, why not?

Spindarella · 23/10/2014 17:02

YANBU about the money.
YANBU that husband should be able to manage his own children

But sorry, I do kind of agree with redsky that if the kids are at school all day, there's plenty of time to clean a bathroom then. That's not really your biggest problem though.

WerkSupp · 23/10/2014 17:05

Yes, so she can do all the work in the home, all the childcare and work. That sounds really fair, NOT.

I worked FT and my partner stayed home with our children. I pulled my weight at home because that is what you do as an adult who choses to have a family.

If you want an easy life, don't have kids.

Snickersnickers · 23/10/2014 17:25

Can you both keep a diary of whats being spent. Then sit down and discuss. You should both have the same amount of free money to spend at the end of thge month

jellyandbeans · 23/10/2014 17:28

Take £50 out of next month's pay check and buy yourself something or just get your hair cut. You do a great job with the kids, you deserve a treat or two as well. He is being totally out of order.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2014 18:06

Yanbu regarding the money. He is bang out of order to tell you off fir spending too much, when he clearly spends on himself. But.....
If I were you I would get a part time job during school hours, which will become your spending money.
I'm essentially a sahm, with dd1 in year 1 and dd2 in nursery 3 hours a day. I find that 3 hours plenty of time to do all the housework, and have time to myself, and I work 6 hours a week, enough to pay for any of my treats.
I have to be honest- if I was working 40 hours a week, and my husband had 6 hours off every day, I wouldn't be best pleased to have to jump in to childcare the second I walked through the door - though sorry op that wasn't really what you said, rather others!

uggmum · 23/10/2014 18:22

My dh works away from home during the week.
My dc are at school and I work 14 hours a week.
I do all the housework. This is out of choice as I get it all done by Friday so we can spend time as a family at weekends. Dh does all outside work such as the lawn and hedge.

We don't have to justify any spending we want to do but will have a general discussion prior to any non essential spending.

My dh has always spent quality time with the dc. We are a team.

It's easy to get bogged down on the day to day stuff but your dh takes you for granted. There is no teamwork.

As others have said you need an active social life and time out of the home. If you don't make changes now you will resent him.

Hatespiders · 23/10/2014 18:45

Aside from the issues of finances and working time/childcare etc, what strikes me about all this is the seeming total lack of goodwill here. The husband appears to care not at all for OP's happiness or wellbeing. That's even more serious. Does he actually love her??

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