Potentially dodgy stepfather - what to do?

[doristheterrible]

I am looking for advice on a situation within my family. In brief, my sister has got together with a new man - been together for a couple of years' now. This man is a creep. He has a habit of brushing (just short of groping!) boobs when he gets the opportunity, and generally is far too tactile, in all the wrong places, again when he gets the opportunity. For example, letting his hand brush over your bum when kissing hello.

He does this in plain sight of other people but it is cleverly subtle, and so far no member of my family has had the balls (probably wrong choice of language!) to confront him directly about it, although most female members (apart from my Mum - surprise!) have experienced it first hand. We have though mentioned this several times to my sister who gets very angry and upset and denies all knowledge, suggesting that he is just 'friendly.'

Anyway, we could probably just about live with having a creep in the family, but the trouble is she has a young teenage daughter. On several occasions we have had to endure watching him touch her in what we consider an inappropriate fashion - playing with her hair, holding her hand, stroking her face, etc. We possibly might think this was OK, if it was not for the context. As it is, it is almost unbearable to watch. We are really worried about it. Not necessarily that he might take it further, but really that no potential stepfather should be touching his teenage stepdaughter in this way - or to be honest, at all.

Are we over-reacting ie being unreasonable? What would you do? There is no way my sister will leave this man.

Physically point it out to your sister whenever it happens. Whether its his DSD or any other person he is touching. She might hopefully realise just how 'friendly' he is coming across.

Say out loud every time be brushes your bum or boob etc, hey hands off, what are you doing? Under no circumstances stay quiet or brush it off

Also chat to your niece about boundaries and also make sure she knows that you are there to support her and talk to her about absolutely anything at all, as it seems as if her mother isn't

You and your family need to react and make a comment every time he touches you and you don't like it.

You don't have to be blunt or confrontational (if you don't want to) but you do need to start mentioning it.

Absolutely. We are shocked by my sister's refusal to see what is happening, but then I am shocked by my own inability to 'make a scene.' this is though, I think, what he relies on. Creep.

Could you be there for the daughter, have a talk and let her know you've noticed and that she can always talk to you about anything, make sure she has your phone number? Maybe talk about boys and what is and isn't appropriate between adults and children, hard I know but it might be her lifeline.
The mother sounds too absorbed in her relationship to consider the threat. I was in a similar situation as a child and have only been able see the danger I was in recently. Reach out to the girl if you can.

Yep. Get your big girl pants on and be prepared to be vocal. Each and every time he touches someone inappropriately, you need to say very clearly "Get your hands off my boobs..." or whatever is appropriate. I'm curious what the men in the family say about this... and what about her dd's father??

And yes, have a talk with her daughter and make clear where the boundaries lie and let her know that you will be there for her if she is uncomfortable with any situation at all.

Men like this do rely on women quietly putting up with it so as not to cause a scene - you all (apart from your sister) know what he's doing, and you all think it important enough to quietly have a word. But you don't make a scene, because you transfer the feeling of embarrassment that he isn't feeling, onto your own reactions.

Call him on it, every single time. Say "Hands off" or whatever.

This has several effects
1 - He knows he isn't getting away with it
2 - Your other relatives will feel empowered to do the same
3 - Your sister sees just how often it happens
4 - Your niece sees that women don't have to just accept this kind of treatment from men

And do also talk to your niece and let her know that she doesn't have to go along with anything that makes her uncomfortable, from him or from anyone.

But 4 is the way to teach her you really mean it, and it's not just something that adults say to teenagers without it actually having any connection to real life.

They do rely on you not making a scene and somewhere in his sad little mind you not objecting means you're ok with it.

You don't have to actually 'make a scene', just next time he does it say very matter of factually 'Don't touch my breast/bum'. he either deny in which case don't engage, just say Yes you did, don't do it again. Or he try to claim you're over reacting, then say No I'm not, don't do it again.

If you all do it and do it repeatedly he'll get the message, and your niece will get the message that its ok to object, that's if shes uncomfortable she has the right to say get off.

If you get angry or shout I will bet £100 he'll label you hysterical. . . . to try and shut you up.

The men in the family veer between agreeing he is also a creep and sometimes (well my DH anyway) suggesting/implying that we are over-reacting as essentially he's a "good bloke." Which makes me absolutely furious. I do want to be there for my niece, but we live a long way away and don't see her too often. Also, my sister says that she likes the attention. In a way that might be true but it's still f-ing dodgy even if she does. As to her father ... I am not sure he would know, or quite what he would do if he did.

You don't need to make a scene, you just need to make a comment.

Every single time.

Talk to your Niece and make sure she knows it is completely unacceptable and that even if her mum can't see what he is doing that you can and are there for her if the worst should happen.

Horrible to think about and really hope you can get your sister to see sense and see just what he is like

they think you're overreacting? So they're okay with you being groped?

You sister saying that she likes the attention is very worrying if she is talking about the daughter. That is not on.

Given that you have already told your sister and she's not interested I'd be worried that these suggestions would serve no purpose but to cause him to bully her into cutting you guys out. Then you won't be around to see how he treats her.

Really focus needs to be on the niece. Make sure she knows it's not ok, and that she can tell you and you will believe her. Would it be possible to help keep her phone topped up with credit or help her keep cab fare at the ready so that of it gets too much she can leave and go somewhere safe not roaming streets.

The niece might like the attention but that doesn't mean she wants to be molested. Teenage girls are notorious for being curious about sex and affection and love but having NO idea how males (particularly adult males) view these things.

What might be nice attention for her could easily be a turn on for him. Speak up--even if you're wrong it would be worth it. You can apologise later.

By the way, it is never "just being friendly" to grope someone. Get your hand off my breasts, get your hand off my bottom, you are not my husband. Fecker.

Also, you mention the relationship has been going for two years...how long ago did you and the others notice his inappropriate behaviour (with you and the niece)? I'm trying to discern whether this is a shift in his behaviour.

Could you get a check on him to see if he is a person posing risk? Or would you need to be the Mum to do that? If you showed your sister some other evidence it may help her to take it seriously. If no one on here knows, ask the police.

Teenage girls often do like attention, and having someone stroke your hand or play with your hair may seem to her to be completely harmless.

But that's one of the reasons why adults have to be more sophisticated and knowledgable about the men in the world who think it's fine to grope every woman they meet, and spot the connection between that and touching young teenagers in 'friendly' ways.

Your sister is being very naive. But sadly, she wouldn't be the first woman to ignore these signals and stick her head in the sand.

Make it clear when you do see them that you don't accept being treated like a piece of meat. Your example will be the most convincing lesson for your niece that it is ok to speak up about unwanted touching.

That way, if he does progress, she will have your example to follow. And if he doesn't, then she can put it into action with other men when it happens, which it very likely will sooner or later.

I agree that you need to start being very blunt and pointing it out but that's not enough. You need to challenge your sister on exposing her vulnerable daughter to this creep. Imagine what he does to her when he doesn't have an audience. Call social services, a visit by a social worker may frighten the perv and wake your idiotic sister up. A phone call to her school might be a good idea too, they'll be able to keep an eye on her, talk to her and report any concerns.

Your whole family needs to start dealing with this. It's absolutely not ok to allow this man near this girl and if your sister is so desperate to keep a man she can't pull her head out of her arse, she needs somebody to pull it out for her and tell her how badly she is failing as a mother.

Is her father involved and if so does he know what a creep the mothers boyfriend is?

I absolutely agree that I should call him out and I will. The trouble is I live a long way away, and don't see them often enough to really make an example for my niece. I do think I need to talk to my sister (again, tried before, she didn't speak to me for months) and probably to him, and my niece, to make it very clear to all what is and what is not acceptable. I have no idea if he would progress to something even worse with my niece, but even if he doesn't, he has no respect for her boundaries. Ugh.

PS: What does everybody think about the fact that he does this in public, in front of my own parents? Do you think he could possibly not know that it is inappropriate? Or do you think it is power play of some sort?

I think that if her father is involved in her life that it might be worth having a word with him. I know that I will probably get flamed for this, but he has a right to know the situation and speak to his daughter about it. She may need his support and assistance on this.

I think my niece would be mortified if someone said to her that what he was doing was inappropriate, and would probably try to defend him. That's part of the problem - he is very effective in buying her affection, almost in competition with her Dad who is not rich.

Can you persuade your parents and other relatives also to call him out on this whenever it happens?

Does your niece see her father? if so, he's possibly the best support to her in this and he certainly needs to know. Or are there any relatives who live closer who could offer her more direct support?

You couldn't not know it was inappropriate.

He's basically pissing up her leg. Marking his territory.

I doubt he would take kindly to being challenged as he views them as his property.