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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to forgive MIL?

31 replies

motherofmonkey · 22/10/2014 09:46

I gave birth to my DD earlier this year. I live O/S and my partners parent's came to help me after the birth from a nearby country, we had been together for nearly 2 years by then and I had only met his parents once at that point as they are a 4 hour flight away. My partner shares custody of his sons, 4 & 6 years old with his ex wife and we have them 3 nights a week at least. The elder boy has autism and we have had numerous problems with him regarding hygiene and agression. He see's an occupational therapist and also gets support at school and somethings are improving.
I had been working 8 to 10 hours a day to finish my post-grad while looking after my newborn and recovering from a c-section andf working part time from home.

My PIL stayed for 2 weeks and I thought were enjoying their visit. On the last day my MIL decided it was a good time to confront me with the fact that we 'live in squalor' (unvacummed floor, windows not clean etc due to c-section), instructing me not to shake my baby (I am a 30 yo medical professional) and then complaining that I would not let the boys hold the baby. At this point both boys had bad colds which was stressful enough with a newborn. My eldest stepson has repeatedly expressed a desire to harm the baby and has been violent towards the rest of the family. He was (and still is) openly hostile towards the baby, as her mother this chills my blood. Following the conversation I politely invited both PIL to leave which caused many ructions.

I have been no contact with them since then as I am so hurt by what they said to me. My partner is angry at them for talking to me like this and is supporting me although still in contact. My immediate problem is they will be coming to collect the boys to take them for a holiday to their home country at christmas and will be here briefly. I have already said that I will not see them but they are expecting to see my DD. I do not want her to see them without me as MIL does not respect my parenting decisions and I fear will allow my eldest SS too close to the baby. For the record I know her GS and his behaviour much better as I see him 3 days a week rather than once a year. AIBU to refuse to allow my DD to visit without me until she is talking or until MIL has a personality transplant?

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofmonkey · 22/10/2014 09:46

P.S i am in another timezone to the U.K and there may be some delay in responses :)

OP posts:
HowsTheSerenity · 22/10/2014 09:55

Do you miss them?
Do you feel sad by not seeing or talking to them?
Will your DC miss out by not seeing them?

If you answer 'no' to all three then cut your losses and move on.
Wait for an apology and go from there.
Find your DC new grandparents in the form of lovely neighbours etc

LadyLuck10 · 22/10/2014 10:19

I think you should handle this maturely rather than suggestions of cutting them off.
Firstly you have your DH backing you so it will be easier for you to make a few rules. They won't be allowed to see her on her own but rather only when you or your DH is around.
You can go the route of cutting them off but it's an issue that will keep coming up and more importantly is this a relationship you want to deny your dd?
Lay down the rules, be firm and with your DH supporting you they really don't have much room for making issues.

LittleBairn · 22/10/2014 10:37

I would not allow your DD to be alone with her due to the saftey concerns.
If she wanted a good relationship with her DGD then she would have made more of an effort to apologise and build bridges.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2014 10:44

Why do people make such a big deal of children having relationships with grandparents (I am one, btw!) when the grandparent has behaved extremely badly to one or both parents?

They won't be nice people and they won't be good grandparents! The children aren't losing out on anything.

Littlef00t · 22/10/2014 10:50

Nope, yanbu. Go out when they are being collected and don't feel guilty. You are doing it because you are concerned for the well being of your child.

CerealMom · 22/10/2014 10:51

Does your DH support you with regards to his DS's behaviour/potential violence to your DD?

If so (DH supporting not allowing DSS contact/unsupervised contact with DD) then could he not supervise the visit between his mother and children?

Does your MiL understand her DGC (your DSS) diagnosis/behavioural problems - or is she an unbeliever/old school 'nothing wrong with that x wouldn't cure type?

HavanaSlife · 22/10/2014 10:57

Wont your dh be there when they see your dd?

Original poster
motherofmonkey · 22/10/2014 11:01

He will be there but the visit will be for most of the day. We are both very safety conscious regarding DSS. He has a habit of ignoring the baby then lunging for her, it's a very stressful situation.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 22/10/2014 11:06

^^ what NannyOgg said.

Take the baby out for the day.

SpuffySummers · 22/10/2014 11:08

I second Nanny too.

Original poster
motherofmonkey · 22/10/2014 11:12

My MIL has allegedly read every book on autism but refuses to listen to accounts of DSs

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofmonkey · 22/10/2014 11:17

Actual behaviour and thinks that if he is allowed to cuddle DD he is more likely to bond with her . DD is 5 months old and so tiny and could be injured easily. DSS repeatedly says he wants bad things to happen to her and has punched both parents and his brother.

OP posts:
vitabrits · 22/10/2014 11:22

Definitely sick to your guns. You are not being unreasonable at all. I wish I could set as clear and calm boundaries as you in my life.

Original poster
motherofmonkey · 22/10/2014 11:29

Vitabrits I have mumsnet to thank, I used to be a complete walkover until I discovered this site!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 22/10/2014 11:35

I assume your partner would find it practically impossible to provide enough supervision to keep DD safe while juggling the two older children and his parents.

So, either you and DD stay, or you and DD go out.

Given the way they have behaved to you on previous visits, and the fact that they wilfully ignore your child's safety, I'd go for the 'both going out' option. They don't have any automatic right to see a grandchild in these circumstances.

Your DP will have to consider how he feels about their ongoing relationship with the older children if they refuse to understand what the oldest one actually needs in terms of supervision, but that's a separate question.

vitabrits · 22/10/2014 12:01

Actually, given the way they have treated you, I don't think they should be allowed to stay in your house all day! How dare they displace you from your own home?

StrangeGlue · 22/10/2014 12:08

I think your DH should meet them out somewhere with the older 2 so you and dd can stay at home. Or are they likely to turn up and barge in? If they did then you could say 'dd and me are just off out' and leave? Or too awkward?

How's mil going to handle the elder boy on holiday if she won't. Listen. About his needs?

gotthemoononastick · 22/10/2014 12:22

What Nannyog said with bells on!

My' protective granny' lights are all blazing.OP NEVER let this boy alone near your little girl.Not now or as a toddler or in her teens! She deserves to be in a non threatening space in her home.

Follow your maternal instinct !

HavanaSlife · 22/10/2014 13:01

Is your dh ok about them not seeing dd, if so id go out or tell him to meet them somewhere else

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 13:21

It must be incredibly scary that your step son wants to harm your daughter. I know this sounds really mean but if he lunged at his grandmother she might have some idea of how dangerous it would be if he went for his sister.

What do you think will happen with your SS? At some point he is clearly going to hurt someone badly and the chances are it will be someone smaller than him - does his education help at all?

5Foot5 · 22/10/2014 13:28

I know you don't want to see them, but would it be possible for you to try staing with the baby and see how it goes. However, have an understanding in place with your DH that if they overstep the mark in anything they say or do then he immediately steps in and tells them they are out of order. If they persist they are asked to leave.

Worst case scenario: the visit is shortened and they get the message that you are a united front.

Best case scenario: the visit goes better than you expect

KlokkenVin · 22/10/2014 13:38

I wouldn't cut off grandparents, it was the second time you'd ever met them so I think it would be a move that would make you look bad, adn you want to avoid that.

I think it's so sexist of a mother-in-law to tell the mother of a newborn that the there's housework to be done! Did she tell her son? Could he not do the housework? It over stepped a boundary but I still think you'll end up looking bad if you cut them off.

You have to 'play' the game. Be super polite the whole time. Stop just the right side of sarcasm.
But relegate her. She could have been involved in her gd's life and she's stupidly had a pop at you about housework. You have to wonder why people are so thick sometimes.

ButEmilylovedhim · 22/10/2014 13:48

I wouldn't care in the least about "looking bad". In front of whom? Stick to your guns, op.

KlokkenVin · 22/10/2014 13:55

Well nobody wants to be cast as the villain of the piece. And in twenty years time when your daughter says "so how come we never see grandma?" well personally I'd want to have something better than "she overstepped a boundary calling my house dirty" in response.

I say this as a mother who has no contact with her children's other gm. But then, she never, ever contacts me/us so it's not been an issue for years. At least I know I gave her every chance.