AIBU to not want to forgive MIL?

[motherofmonkey]

I gave birth to my DD earlier this year. I live O/S and my partners parent's came to help me after the birth from a nearby country, we had been together for nearly 2 years by then and I had only met his parents once at that point as they are a 4 hour flight away. My partner shares custody of his sons, 4 & 6 years old with his ex wife and we have them 3 nights a week at least. The elder boy has autism and we have had numerous problems with him regarding hygiene and agression. He see's an occupational therapist and also gets support at school and somethings are improving.
I had been working 8 to 10 hours a day to finish my post-grad while looking after my newborn and recovering from a c-section andf working part time from home.

My PIL stayed for 2 weeks and I thought were enjoying their visit. On the last day my MIL decided it was a good time to confront me with the fact that we 'live in squalor' (unvacummed floor, windows not clean etc due to c-section), instructing me not to shake my baby (I am a 30 yo medical professional) and then complaining that I would not let the boys hold the baby. At this point both boys had bad colds which was stressful enough with a newborn. My eldest stepson has repeatedly expressed a desire to harm the baby and has been violent towards the rest of the family. He was (and still is) openly hostile towards the baby, as her mother this chills my blood. Following the conversation I politely invited both PIL to leave which caused many ructions.

I have been no contact with them since then as I am so hurt by what they said to me. My partner is angry at them for talking to me like this and is supporting me although still in contact. My immediate problem is they will be coming to collect the boys to take them for a holiday to their home country at christmas and will be here briefly. I have already said that I will not see them but they are expecting to see my DD. I do not want her to see them without me as MIL does not respect my parenting decisions and I fear will allow my eldest SS too close to the baby. For the record I know her GS and his behaviour much better as I see him 3 days a week rather than once a year. AIBU to refuse to allow my DD to visit without me until she is talking or until MIL has a personality transplant?

It's not the comments about the house that would bother me. Yes, they were rude and mean but not enough to cut someone off. It's the refusal to believe that the eldest stepson is a likely danger to the baby.

PILs come over to help you after the baby was born and they didn't vacuum or clean the windows - not much help then.

I'd be inclined to try once more as it's only a brief visit. Let them see your DD but stay and supervise.

PILs having the DSSs one their own might be just the wake up call MIL needs.

I do hope everyone has read this bit:

instructing me not to shake my baby (I am a 30 yo medical professional) and then complaining that I would not let the boys hold the baby. At this point both boys had bad colds which was stressful enough with a newborn. My eldest stepson has repeatedly expressed a desire to harm the baby and has been violent towards the rest of the family. He was (and still is) openly hostile towards the baby,

I wouldn't compromise my babys safety

go out for the day , stuff what they think of you

Fuck the comments about the housework, that's barely the issue - the safety of the OP's DD is paramount here!

OP, if you can't stand to see her, then she doesn't get to see the baby, and that's just the way it is. She clearly has no concept of the potential risk re. your older DSS and your DD so she is not a fit person to have around them both at the same time; and much though your DH seems to be on board, she'll probably still be able to coerce him into handing your DD over "for a cuddle" and then passing her on to DSS1 before anyone can stop her - simply not worth it.

If you want to let them see your child, I would stay for no more than an hour, allowing your SS time to meet his GP's first again and then leave with the baby.