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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should my partner contribute more?

31 replies

dba1009 · 22/10/2014 04:57

My partner moved into my mortgaged house earlier this year before our baby arrived. He pays half of the bills but does not pay any rent for living here and also contributes very little towards our new child. He earns approximately a third more than what I do. He also has a child with his ex who visits every week and occasionally stays overnight. 3 years after splitting with his ex he still pays half the mortgage on the house they had together and also child maintenance for their daughter. He is unable to get out of his mortgage until the house is sold so is stuck paying this. My mortgage is currently 1/3 of my income which leaves me very little money each month. I have tried to discuss this with him however he keeps saying he will pay more but never does. His ex currently receives more of his income than I do for him living at my property. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to contribute towards the mortgage and contribute more towards our daughter?

OP posts:

Mouthfulofquiz · 22/10/2014 05:23

You both should have equal free money...

loudarts · 22/10/2014 05:32

I saw a thread the other day where a woman was moving into her dp house and was asking if it was reasonable for her to be expected to pay towards a mortgage when she would not own any of the property. The reaction was from a vast majority that she should contribute to bills as they are for things she uses but not the mortgage as the house belongs to her dp and she would be left with nothing if they split up. Very interested to see if the reaction is the same this way round

guaranteedpersonality · 22/10/2014 05:40

Yes I saw that too loudarts and wasn't entirely sure where I stood in that instance (but was leaning towards her being unreasonable) but the fact the OP in this post has a child with this man means I don't think the two situations can be compared.

guaranteedpersonality · 22/10/2014 05:47

I don't think you are being in anyway unreasonable OP. You have your child to consider and 3 years is a long time for finances to remain unresolved to this extent. It must be most frustrating and upsetting for you.

mynewpassion · 22/10/2014 05:58

Have him pay you the CSA amount. This will get around the mortgage issue because that money is supposed to go towards shelter, food, clothing

mynewpassion · 22/10/2014 06:05

Maybe instead of 15%, have him pay you a little less because he's paying for half of her living expenses with bills related to the home.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 22/10/2014 06:07

And the amount he pays to the ex should have been reduced when your child was born. Is he paying her the correct CSA amount?

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 22/10/2014 06:25

Hmmm...I'd probably address the root cause here rather than the end numbers; why hasn't the house sold? Also, is there equity in it? If a repayment mortgage, can it be changed to interest only?

It may be that he wants to pay more but just doesn't have the income to di so - he may earn more but paying that much out can't be easy. Also but 1/3 of your income on mortgage in todays market isn't too bad, though I know it feels a lot.

What are your long term plans? Presumably you see him as a long term thing if you have a child together. Once his house is sold is the plan to formally add him to your mortgage which would make everyone feel easier about him contributing to it? You can get a Declaration of Trust set up which would protect any equity you have accumulated up to that point (unless you marry).

FWIW, DH and I contribute the same proportion of our income to household and joint expenses so I contribute slightly more as I earn more.

Sandiacre · 22/10/2014 06:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 22/10/2014 08:02

I was on that thread loudarts and I said that the gf should pay some rent and I think the same on this thread too.

firesidechat · 22/10/2014 08:03

In any case he should certainly be contributing to their child. No excuse for that at all.

WooWooOwl · 22/10/2014 08:17

What he pays his ex isn't really relevant, and that doesn't change just because you had a child with him. He already had a responsibility to pay for his existing child, and if contributing to his ex's mortgage for the time being is what keeps a roof over his first child's head, then so be it.

I think it's fair to expect him to contribute more towards your child, but without knowing your relationship, it's hard to know I whether he should be contributing towards your mortgage or not.

MrsPiggie · 22/10/2014 08:29

Has he actually got the money to pay you more? You are living as a family, and the financial contribution should be proportionate with the take home money. It doesn't matter he earns more than you, if half his wages go on fixed payments towards his mortgage and child support then he effectively brings home a bit more than half what you do. So he should have to pay half of what you do towards household expenses. But you two should really address his house selling issue.

Original poster

dba1009 · 22/10/2014 08:39

Moving into mine was supposed to be short term as we both discussed buying together and being equally responsible for all bills, however, as he is tied into his old mortgage we have found it difficult to get a good mortgage offer. I don't expect him to contribute more than me being the higher wage earner I just hoped by now we would be paying equally. Since he moved in and our daughter was born my expenditure has gone up whereas his has come down quite a bit as he no longer has to pay out rent etc and has even gone on a lads holiday for a week this year which is something he wouldn't have been able to afford before. He just doesn't seem to be interested in looking for a solution to the problem which means I am stuck paying the mortgage for the forseable future. The contents of my house are also left up to me to replace despite him having equal use so when the fridge broke last month I had to pull out for a new one while he spent money on nights out and a new guitar. I have also mentioned about him coming onto my mortgage however having my current equity protected as he has no savings at all to put in but he seems reluctant to do that also.
In regards to his old mortgage there is no equity in it and his name can't be taken off as he and his ex dont have savings to put into it for her to take it on solely therefore they need to reach 10% equity before they can do so.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2014 08:47

I will never understand any of this thinking. You are moving in together and raising a family.
He shouldn't be paying 'rent'. If you are both working then you should share the expense of living together and as he still has previous commitments then he should be sharing the costs of those with his ex. If he's lucky he might have some money left over.

I really think in these sorts of cases people should sit down, get everything clear on paper before you do anything and then agree.

Followed by a trip to a solicitor to write a will and sort out things like previous home ownership legally. Because if anything happened to either of you things would become very complicated indeed.

londonrach · 22/10/2014 08:49

In both cases rent should be paid.

Original poster

dba1009 · 22/10/2014 08:55

I don't expect him not to pay towards his other child in fact if he didnt I would be questioning why. The money is paid without CSA involvement and hasn't been reduced since our daughter was born 9 month ago so it is making me a little resentful the fact he pays next to nothing for our child. If he wishes to continue to pay that same amount then that's his prerogative however I feel he should at least make the bill money he pays me up to that same amount to pay for other things our daughter needs not just food and heat...and yes he has the income to do so.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 22/10/2014 09:01

He's cocklodging.

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 09:08

What was he doing before he moved in with you? Did he have as much free money then? You should both have equal free money. He needs to be paying for his child.

notmyproblem · 22/10/2014 09:16

Cocklodger OP. Give him the option, he either shares expenses equally to you and contributes to your new baby, or he gets out. Lads weekends, new guitars, while you are buying a fridge and basically broke otherwise is not on. If it's possible he doesn't know your financial situation, this is forgiveable (until you tell him) but if he knows you're broke while he's out having a jolly, then you need to question your future with him. What kind of man would allow that to happen knowingly? He sounds like a crap partner tbh.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2014 09:17

Cinnabar has it - he's a cocklodger.

OP, he has his feet firmly under the table now. You are paying for everything. He isn't even paying rent. He's better off because he's living with you. You are worse off. Why would you live with someone when you're going to be worse off financially?

captainproton · 22/10/2014 09:19

Sort of similar situation with DH and I. We could not buy together until his FMH was sold and he was off the mortgage. We decided however to get married before DD was born and it was only after we opened a joint account and put both salaries in there that we stopped arguing about money and who pays what. Now whatever is left at the end of each month gets split equally between us and that's that. We have a full and honst disclosure about our finances, what are outgoings are what we want to do, save up, go on holidays, new car etc etc. I don't know what your future plans are but if you have a child together surely you are both in this forever? ok I know that it may not last forever but is that both of your intentions?

If I were you then I would want to work out what the long term plan is. If he doesnt want to get married (or you don't) then I wouldnt want him claiming any quity on my home. If he is not contribuitng towards the mortgage then you are safe. Likewise if you don't want to commit to him I can sort of see why he would refuse to pay your mortgage for you, as he already paying for his ex's now.

Why doesn't he pay for baby stuff? Have you asked him?

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 09:23

Sorry, missed your last message. It was silly of you to 'hope' he'd change.

But lad's holiday, nights out and new guitar. Why are you putting up with this?

You don't ask him to contribute, you tell him, and how much. He has it transferred to you by standing order monthly. He misses a month, you throw him out.

Sandiacre · 22/10/2014 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WerkSupp · 22/10/2014 09:28

Yep, he is using you. That is why he is sidestepping, 'reluctant', however you want to call it.

You had any nights out, holidays, new guitar equivalent?

No wonder his former relationship broke down.

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