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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with nursery and if not how do i deal with this?

67 replies

bopoityboo3 · 21/10/2014 16:50

So to give some back ground DS has been at nursery for the last 8 weeks and he is just over 6 months old. The last couple of weeks nursery has been saying that he cries a lot during the day and is hard to get to sleep (he's not a great sleeper at home either I'm up with him ever few hours through the night) before that though he has been really happy at nursery which he is normally at home.

So just picked him up today and was going through the normal hand over stuff about how his day has been and again they mention that he hasn't been the happiest chap and fairly tearful and shouty and getting bored/ annoyed after playing with things for about 10 minutes this all said as if it's surprising a 6 month old doesn't want to play with the same stuff for longer then that (am I wrong to assume that little babies don't have a great attention span?).

It then turned out that whilst trying to get him to sleep they have left him in a swing chair screaming for 45 minutes Shock until he finally fell asleep. Am I being unreasonable to not want them to leave my baby to scream for 45 minutes until he cries himself to sleep and how do I talk to them about this without being seen to be the stroppy OTT mother. This is the same nursery we used for DD and she loved it and we were really happy with them hence using them again this time round. It has left me feeling real upset to think that he has been left screaming and crying for all that time.

So collective power of mumsnet set me straight am I being to precious second baby or should I have a word and how should I go about having that word?

Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
HibiscusIsland · 21/10/2014 20:35

I'd take him out and find a nursery like the one harihippo described at 17.04.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 21/10/2014 20:36

hollie DD's nursery is actually fantastic for her. Not all nurseries are the same.

NanoNinja · 21/10/2014 20:42

Agree with the pp - not all crèches are the same. DS's crèche were great with him, and they are pretty old school. He was a difficult napper, and they ended up using a hammock on occasion, which worked well.

OP, I'd move him - I wouldn't trust them again after 45 mins of crying. He must have fallen asleep out of exhaustion Hmm.

dangly131 · 21/10/2014 20:52

Was he shouting or crying? Usually putting a baby to sleep in a rocker would have someone next to them rocking, stroking and soothing them. I have done this before...rocked and soothed a baby for a long time in a chair until they fell asleep and they were shouting all the while!
This is not the same as a baby being left in a chair on their own to cry. The tow situations are completely different. I would find out more information before going full pelt....quite often ppl make assumptions before finding out all the information needed to make an decision about the next steps to take.

ButterflySandwich · 21/10/2014 21:47

I have had 3 DC at nursery over the years, 2 different ones (and youngest still there). At 6 months they would help baby sleep according to routine at home. It's not acceptable for them to leave baby to cry (or be unhappy) for 45 mins. I hope you get this sorted, you have every right to be upset Thanks

monkeymamma · 21/10/2014 21:56

Hollie that is a pretty bloody unsupportive post. The op's baby is in nursery - that's the choice she's made - and her dd was too. I'm not sure why people are so judgey about nurseries - lots have lovely baby rooms where the little ones have a great time.
Op, yanbu in the slightest. When I asked at DS's nursery how they got the babies to sleep, they said they'd do whatever technique parents had at home - with one exception. They couldn't offer cry it out or leaving to cry (imo there's no difference between 'shouting' and 'crying' at 6m) because they didn't agree with it and it would stop the other babies sleeping. I fed DS to sleep at the age he started nursery so was worried how they'd manage. In fact they cuddled him on a big armchair till he fell asleep. Very shortly afterwards he (amazingly) decided to fall asleep on his own (something he'd shown no inclination towards at home!!) and used to take himself off to his favourite fluffy cushion for a wee nap.
I think you need to talk to the manager and suggest that this key worker is not really following your DS's he routine - I'm sure they won't see crying it out as acceptable and will hopefully be able to sort.

Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 21/10/2014 22:00

Thanks everyone for the replies. Going to talk to his key worker on Friday when he is next in to clarify how they are trying to get him to sleep discuss what I expect etc and see how it goes from there. There isn't many children in his room max of 5 in at a time on his days. If things don't improve will defiantly be looking into alternative arrange for the rest of the time we're here (moving to England in the new year) Though being in such a small rural area there isn't much choice.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 21/10/2014 22:04

The nursery were wrong to let him
cry for that length of time. However yabu to have taught your ds on to go to sleep at the breast or rocked if you were planning on sending him to nursery. It is very unfair on him.

Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 21/10/2014 22:05

Thanks for the support monkeymamma Nursery worked great for us before hopefully this was just a one off if not obviously we'll sort something else.

OP posts:
Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 21/10/2014 22:31

soontobesix first off I didn't teach him to fall asleep that way it's what we feel into with him wanting feeding every two hours when first born I didn't have much time o think about how he went to sleep as I was to busy trying to get some sleep myself between feeds. And secondly I was meant to be having longer mat leave but due to bolloxing ecconamy and other things out of my control I had to make the tough choice to return to work early to ensure we all still had a roof over our heads so didn't really have the chance to sort out the sleeping before and like I would of if I'd had the full year off as I ad initially intended.

OP posts:
Cupoftchaiagain · 21/10/2014 22:39

Bopoity don't feel in the wrong for not getting your baby to settle themselves! It is incredibly common for wee ones to be rocked, fed, cuddled to sleep and nursery should be able to cope happily with that.
My dd was fed to sleep at 11months and a terrible sleeper when she went to nursery (co sleeping, would only nap in buggy etc). Nursery listened to us, had an 'indoor' buggy then got her to sleep on a mat by some miracle. She was another year older before she would settle herself for us!

SoonToBeSix · 21/10/2014 22:42

I don't think it's wrong for your baby not to self settle it lovely to feed/rock your baby to sleep. I just think it's unfair if that's the only way they can sleep when starting nursery as they don't have the time to rock babies to sleep. I apologise as nursery at the stage was not the plan.

Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 21/10/2014 22:44

Thanks cupofchaiagain Smile my still sleep deprived brain needed reminding of that. Hope your DD is still settling for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 21/10/2014 22:48

That's okay soontobesix it's a sore subject tat you weren't to know about. In an ideal world he'd still be spending all day with me rather then three days a week with strangers

OP posts:
dottytablecloth · 21/10/2014 22:57

I hope you get it sorted out op.

I wouldn't leave my baby in the nursery as you describe it. It sounds dreadful.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/10/2014 23:23

Agree with all the supportive stuff said here.

Defo go in and without getting into the situation ask what the policy on crying it out.

Personally I don't feel there is a great deal of difference between walking off and sitting there next to the rocker or even patting them or whatever. It's still putting them in a position where they are really unhappy and delibereately not answering his needs.

Didnt have a shouty baby myself so don't know about that.

billibob · 24/10/2014 21:10

Hi op did you speak to key person today? How did you get on?

Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 25/10/2014 12:28

Hi Bilibob it went okay. She seemed to take on board what I was saying though there was a comment about him becoming spoiled that I pulled her up on as he's only 6 months and at this point I don't think you can spoil them. When I picked him up he was clearly very happy and had slept a decent amount, which isn't normal for him at nursery, and the girls in the room reassured me that he had been rocked to sleep and gone off to sleep very quickly then gone down (as I knew he would) so feeling much better about it all.

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 25/10/2014 13:14

I wouldn't be happy about the spoiled comment either about a six month old.

Original poster
bopoityboo3 · 26/10/2014 23:23

I know opal it seems such a strange comment to make about a 6 month old plus her use of the term 'shouting' to describe his crying as if he was angry again a strange way to talk about a baby.

OP posts:
coraltoes · 27/10/2014 06:43

I must admit if your child cannot self soothe/settle without rocking or boob then I'd not use a nursery. They have many kids to look after and can't spend 45 mins rocking your son to sleep surely. Try a nanny? Or some sleep training? There is a gently gently one I read (no cry sleep solution) but I was more Gina in my approach.

toomuchtooold · 27/10/2014 07:01

Gosh OP the spoilt comment would have bothered me too, and I was quite a hardline type with the sleeping, at least after 6 months. Personally (and this is just me, I'm not saying it's the best way) I would be looking at 6 months to try and do a bit of gentle sleep training to get him to fall asleep on his own. BUT even if you wanted to, that is a decision for you not the nursery, and they shouldn't just unilaterally start half-arsedly sleep training him if he takes a while to go down.

PerpetualStudent · 27/10/2014 07:31

Well done for discussing with the keyworker. She does sound quite harsh in her language though Hmm

What are the other people in the baby room like? Could you ask to change key workers?

I used to work supply in a nursery (that to be fair, I came to realise wasn't a good setting at all) & in my experience, if someone has that old school attitude of 'that child doesn't settle/concentrate/is spoiled' then it permiates all their care.

Andanotherthing123 · 27/10/2014 07:47

I think you have concerns about his key worker and I don't blame you. Lots of bf babies need rocking to sleep and it doesn't spoil them. My 7 year old is lovely and sleeps fine as I'm sure billions of other 'rocked to sleep' babies are.

I'm really shit at the speaking up thing but even I think you should speak to the manager and ask for his key worker to be changed.

I didn't when I had an issue with ds2's key worker and wish I'd stopped worrying about what they thought of me and just asked for a change.

WilburIsSomePig · 27/10/2014 08:15

They should never leave a baby to cry themselves to sleep at nursery, poor little lad. And the surprise and him not playing with something for more than ten minutes is nonsense.

Talk to the manager and ask them to change key person.