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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be considering being away for my dd's 8th birthday?

55 replies

sleepymother · 21/10/2014 14:57

I'm not a frequent poster, but I really need a bit of advice from other parents. I have been invited to speak at an academic conference, expenses paid, quite a flattering invitation, but it is three days long, abroad, and the middle day of the three is my daughter's birthday. I could organise to celebrate her birthday before I go, but I feel that she would probably (almost certainly) feel upset that I wouldn't be at home for her birthday itself (which falls on the Friday). Should I just say no to the conference, or is it just something that she and her sister will have to get used to, with a working academic for a mother? (DH works for himself, and was a SAHD, and does most of the school pick-up/drop-offs/playdates, etc, and would certainly be there to celebrate, and do cake etc on the birthday itself.) I just can't figure this out.

OP posts:

Elderflowergranita · 21/10/2014 23:12

Go absolutely - can't believe anyone would suggest differently!

MrsPiggie · 21/10/2014 23:52

Go. Your child will have many birthdays, parties, school concerts, sports days, Christmas plays, graduation ceremonies, exams, results days... As a working parent you'll be there for some and you will miss some. As long as you're there for her most of the time, a missed birthday is no big deal. Organise something nice for Sunday and don't forget the special present you're bringing her from abroad

Original poster

sleepymother · 21/10/2014 23:57

I was genuinely looking for people's points of view, dragonfly, not a particular answer. If I were looking for a particular answer then I'd know that I'd already made up my mind, and I wouldn't need to ask for advice. So I appreciate your perspective on this. Thanks. I see that lately there are a good few other posts saying 'I wouldn't go' - thanks for those perspectives too. What I wanted was to see whether there really were views on each side, or whether everyone would say 'you're a loon, you should go' or 'no way, stay at home'.

OP posts:

Sprink · 21/10/2014 23:58

I say this as someone who loves marking an occasion; in the same way a perfect wedding isn't nearly as important as a strong marriage, missing a child's birthday isn't nearly as important as your relationship with your child.

If you make a fuss/acknowledge the birthday (Skype, telephone, card, etc) and are there for your child in a constant way otherwise, it will be fine.

Personally, I have no memory of whether or not my parents were there for my 8th birthday unless presented with photographic evidence or a memory/family anecdote about how one of them embarrassed themselves (me).

I hope this makes sense, OP. well done, by the way, on your invitation.

AuditAngel · 22/10/2014 00:02

DS was away in Spain staying with family friends for his 7th birthday.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 22/10/2014 00:05

Go. My DH has had to miss a couple of the DC's birthdays and they haven't been scarred for life! DH always arranges to do something with them either before or after and they've been fine.

Original poster

sleepymother · 22/10/2014 00:06

Sprink, it does make sense, thanks. I think part of my problem is that I always mark occasions too, and I love doing so. So it initially felt impossible that I should go. But I am wondering now whether it could be ok. Part of me knows that I'm frightened that my MIL will badmouth me, but that's another issue.

OP posts:

goingmadinthecountry · 22/10/2014 00:21

I wouldn't simply because having been there myself, my older dcs can remember and feel very strongly about the occasions dh was away, or even when we had an unexpected guest on their birthdays. Looking back, it means a huge amount to them. And I say this as a mum whose children have travelled to Honduras, Panama, Malawi, Boston etc without me. Not fair, but that's how they feel.

fatowl · 22/10/2014 00:34

I'm going to be away at a conference (also abroad-3 hour flight) , arriving back early evening on dd's 13th birthday. I'm new in the job, I really couldn't say no.
It's a Sunday, she is having a friend to sleepover on the Saturday, dh will take her and friend out for lunch. We'll do presents when I get back in the evening.
She's fine with it

OldRoan · 22/10/2014 00:43

My mum sometimes had to work over my birthday. I remember sobbing down the phone every night when she was away (regardless of birthdays, to the point that my dad used to take the phone off me), but I remember one birthday where she was away she arranged for a balloon (with my name on!) to be delivered to the house. I thought it was the Best Thing Ever and was so absurdly excited by it. I also remember making her admire it when she came back.

Go. She might be sad, but there will be so many things to be excited about she won't be sad for long. In a funny way I found it easier over my birthday because I had so many distractions.

tigermoll · 22/10/2014 00:45

I would say you should be there. Maybe it's different for me, but my mum was away for my seventh birthday. My dad was in the forces and I spent the day with my friends family. I cried all day and also felt guilty cos I knew I wasn't 'supposed' to mind but I did. Your daughter only has one eighth birthday - you will have other conferences.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 22/10/2014 01:00

For me it's not black and white - it's just one of the shades of grey.

If you were working for someone else and it was a conference you had to attend or risk your standing at work, then I'd say 'go', you work and sometimes that's at bloody inconvenient times.

If you were going to a social event I'd say a one off (wedding/reunion/big get together) then go, anything less then don't.

For this it's hard to say - how much of an impact on your career would it have if you said 'I can't make that date, sorry'?

Original poster

sleepymother · 22/10/2014 16:56

Chilling - that is really hard to say. It isn't like I have to go, and it's often difficult to know what benefits will come from something like this. I think I'm just going to have to talk to my daughter about this. (I wonder if she could come with me....?)

OP posts:

Missunreasonable · 22/10/2014 17:00

My mum was away when it was my 13th birthday and I was incredibly upset. It didn't help that I had no contact with my dad as having one parent there would have been okay.
I have got over it now but based on how upset I was at the time I would never go away on my children's birthdays (until they are adults).

kelda · 22/10/2014 17:04

My dd2 would be very upset if I missed her birthday. The other two would be less concerned.

I think you should go. It is important for your career and your own sense of achievement.

Fishstix · 22/10/2014 17:05

Depends on your DC. Both of mine (9/4) would be gutted if i wasnt there on their birthday and I would be too. But if youand she feel ok about it then its fine i'd say.

OldBeanbagz · 22/10/2014 17:07

How does your DD feel about it?

This year will be the third year that my DH will be away on the evening of DD's birthday though he will see her before she goes to school and talk to her on Skype when she gets back.

Unfortunately we're self employed so he can't turn down the work and DD does appreciate this but she's not always happy about it.

We're having her party the weekend before and will go out for dinner the night before her birthday instead.

crazykat · 22/10/2014 17:20

Go. Its not like you're going on a girls weekend. Its work.

My DH works away quite a lot and has missed quite a few birthdays between our DCs. He always phones on the day and we have cake and an extra present at the weekend when he gets home.

IMO its good for children to realise that the world doesn't stop just because its your birthday. Yes it's a special day but work and school still have to be done.

whois · 22/10/2014 17:35

I love the idea of having a huge balloon delivered on the day. Or hide some gifts around the hoise and phone her up with a clue in the morning or something?

Original poster

sleepymother · 29/10/2014 22:45

Just thought I'd update, since people were kind enough to offer advice. I talked to my dd, and found that she would be very upset if I were away for her birthday. (I approached it first by asking in general terms, as I didn't want her to feel she had to say she would mind, as she's the kind of child who would think that I'd be upset if she didn't miss me! Really...) But it was clear to me that she really wouldn't be happy if I weren't there. So I'm turning down the invitation. There'll be other opportunities. Thanks for your different perspectives, and your advice.

OP posts:

sickntiredtoo · 29/10/2014 23:03

Putting work before her birthday is something she'll remember and throw back at you in 20 years time

sickntiredtoo · 29/10/2014 23:04

Good for you, OP!

UniS · 29/10/2014 23:36

It'll be fine. I missed a few birthdays so far thanks to working away at weekends.
So long as DS ( now 8) gets the sort of birthday treat/ party he has planned on a weekend near his birthday he is fine.

PacificWerewolf · 30/10/2014 08:35

Oh, lovely!
I hope she has a great birthday when the day comes and you all enjoy the day together.

I have to be honest I am not surprised you got the reply you did: surely the vast majority of children will want their parents there on their birthdays. I am not sure I would have asked tbh… - but then I am one of those children who parents were absent on occasion (and I did not mind) and I have left my own DCs on occasion

Here's wishing you another opportunity soon on a more opportune date.

dingdongdonna · 30/10/2014 10:01

You cant stop your entire life just for your DD's one day birthday. You need to go to the conference and just celebrate her birthday before or after.

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