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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i hate that my ex's aftershave lingers on my son

48 replies

justrynabeagoodmama · 21/10/2014 06:22

I'm a new mum with a 7mnth old son and new to mumsnet. This is my first post. I am partly on here for a rant but partly to get other opinions /advice on how to handle a situation.
I dont know any of the forum abbreviations either so if anyone actually reads this and decides to reply, please help me out with the lingo! Cheers.

ok. So. My son's father and I are no longer together. He treated me badly throughout my pregnancy, we split and he decided he wanted nothing to do with my son for the first 2 months. He isn't named on the birth certificate, and id actually rather not have him involved as he is not a good person, but am allowing him supervised (by me) access to my son on a regular basis.

I have noticed that my son smells strongly of his father's aftershave after each visit and I HATE IT. His hair, clothes and skin smell so strongly that I strip him when we get home and wash everything.
I stopped wearing my favorite perfume when I had my boy, because even though I only used one squirt it was still quite strong. Is it unreasonable for me to tell my sons father to do the same on visit days?
I dont want my beautiful boy to smell like a grown man, especially one who makes my skin crawl.

OP posts:
Coolas · 21/10/2014 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 21/10/2014 06:35

Just tell him then.

Romeyroo · 21/10/2014 06:37

I think you could say that strong perfumes are not good for babies, but I am not sure he could be expected to comply.

FWIW, I either take DS swimming or have a lovely bubble bath with him after contact. His dad was not pleasant to me, and I used to feel physically ill at handover. I am over that, but still do the swimming or bath because it is a nice transition back ritual.

If he won't stop the aftershave, maybe look at the bath and fresh clothes as the start of your time with your baby, rather than letting it remind you of him.

Fabulassie · 21/10/2014 07:19

Is your baby's skin irritated? Or is this about not liking to smell your ex on him?

justrynabeagoodmama · 21/10/2014 08:08

Romeyroo, I dont know what fwiw or ds mean! I feel physically Ill every time we arrange to meet.
fabulassie it is absolutely about not wanting to smell his fathers aftershave on him. I hate it. He wears a strong aftershave and wears ALOT of it. It lingers on everything my son is wearing.

OP posts:
SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 21/10/2014 08:17

I don't like it when my children smell of their grandmother's perfume after they've seen her (we don't have a good relationship) so I understand exactly where you're coming from. I would do as others have suggested and give him a bath, fresh clothes etc and see it as stripping away your ex.

WD41 · 21/10/2014 08:22

I second the suggestion of telling him that your ds has sensitive skin so would he mind not wearing aftershave

OwlCapone · 21/10/2014 08:26

Imagine if a man posted that he hated the way his child smelt of his ex wife's perfume. Do you think he would be told to lie in order to make her stop wearing it? I rather suspect he would be told to get over himself and just wash the child and change their clothes.

So, I suggest you deal with your dislike of the aftershave and simply bathe your DS and change his clothes. None of this lying about sensitive skin.

OwlCapone · 21/10/2014 08:27

And welcome to Mumsnet :)

ots · 21/10/2014 08:28

No advice but just to help you :)
FWIW - for what it's worth
DS - Dear/darling son.

HTH (hope that helps)

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 08:29

I hated it when my baby smelled of anything other than himself, whether that was my mum's perfume, or strong washing powder that I'd used by accident, so I do sympathise. I think as new mums smell is an incredibly under-rated part of how we bond with our babies.

However, I suspect if your ex is as bad as you say, he won't simply stop using his aftershave because you ask him to. And it isn't doing your son any harm.

So I think this is one of those things you have to put up with. Have a bath with him when you get him back and change him.

Are you getting any RL support (support in real life)?

bananaleaf · 21/10/2014 08:42

I can't bear it when my daughter (DD) smells of my father in law's (FIL) aftershave, and that relationship is fine, so can imagine it must be absolutely awful when it's your ex's.
I agree ask him not to wear it, maybe using one of the pretexts mentioned above, but failing that yes you will just have to do a bath and change of clothes.

There is a section on here listing all the abbreviations, I will try and post a link if someone hasn't already done so.

Northernparent68 · 21/10/2014 08:45

Can you really smell his fathers aftershave on the baby ? Are sure it's not pyschological ?

bananaleaf · 21/10/2014 08:47

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/10/2014 09:14

I could smell DH's aftershave, my mum's particular smell of fabric softener and fags, friends' perfumes - and I found them all a tiny bit upsetting northern because it made DS not smell like my DS.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 21/10/2014 09:21

I still hate when ds (14 months) smells of my mils perfume if she's been hugging him, and we have an ok relationship.
Its just that they don't smell like they should. I do moan about to dh, but don't say anything to her.
My dh did say something to her when he was a newborn thou. But we just ignore it now.
I would say something, doesn't mean he will do anything about it thou.

KneeQuestion · 21/10/2014 09:28

I think you need to work out a way to get past your hatred for your ex.

I understand that you were upset by him treating you badly, but for the sake of your son, you need to move on from that.

and id actually rather not have him involved as he is not a good person

It doesn't work like that.

Your son has a right to a relationship with his father.

ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 21/10/2014 09:43

YANBU. My MIL used baby talc on our DD once even though DH and I had explained that it wasn't thought healthy these days. I felt rdiculously cross when I smelt it!
I think if you say something though, he might do it more. Just get into the habit of using the same set of clothes for when he's with his Dad....keep them separate. Bath after Dad's and it will become normal for you.

BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 10:14

Hmm, it could be worse, my DS used to come back reeking of chip fat and cigarette smoke, it was horrendous.

I agree mentioning that he seems sensitive to perfumes, if he is. But don't make it into a big deal. If he's not sensitive to it, then I would try not to rush to take all of his clothes and wash them too - it's part of his link to his father and you have to detach and understand that is important to him. This is so hard, but you really have to let go and let them parent the way they want to even if you don't agree with what they're doing. Unless he's abusing your son then you have to let them work out their own relationship.

I hope you don't get too much of a bad rap on this thread, it often goes this way, harsh "well, whatever, you're being a controlling bitch" type responses. While I do agree that the dad needs to be allowed to do things his own way, blimey, some empathy for the fact this is massively hard to deal with wouldn't go amiss.

I think that if people haven't been in the situation, if they are still with their child's father, or have a good relationship with an ex who is reasonable, it's hard to imagine what it's like to have to hand over your precious baby for X amount of hours every few days and literally have no say or control over it, even if you know that they are doing things which you don't agree with. There is no other situation like it, if you put your 7 month old in nursery or left them with a grandparent or other babysitter, then you'd be within your rights to explain some wishes and have them be followed. With a reasonable ex or in a happy relationship, you're making decisions together and are usually in agreement. I think some posters as well have a sort of "serves you right" mentality which is just mean and nasty IMO (in my opinion). Lucky them for having such excellent judgement.

So three things - detach from what he's doing. Try not to ask or look for information about it. Don't read things into signs which aren't there - as he gets older you'll probably see behaviour issues emerging after contact visits, it's a combination of the sudden shift between dad's house and mum's house, especially if the environment is very different, excitement to be back, sadness at leaving dad, tiredness, sometimes a sugar crash too. Similar when they seem reluctant to go, it can be a combination, transitions are hard, sad to leave you, happy and excited to go, nervous about new things.

Talk to your DS to help him with the transition. Even a baby can be helped by talking to him. Have a soothing routine when he arrives home which could include a bath if you want an excuse to change his clothes. Babies and toddlers like to know what to expect.

You need to be at least neutral, at best positive about his dad to DS. If he does something which upsets him, never say "Daddy is xxxxx" (mean, bad, naughty, etc) but talk about the behaviour and how it makes (DS, etc) feel.

Don't micromanage or try to control the relationship or how they spend their time. And don't chase him. You make DS available for contact and discuss possible days and times etc. If your ex is messing around with contact times, then get more rigid. Stick to those times (assuming no constraints like odd work shifts) and don't make concessions for him. If he's reasonable, of course, then by all means be reasonable back. You can give him information about DS (he's sick if he eats X food, he gets hyper if he has Y food, he won't eat dinner unless he has a reasonable nap, it's safer for him to be in Z car seat, etc) but then you must leave it up to him to choose to use or ignore that information, however maddening it is for you. Obviously legal things like using a car seat/life threatening allergies etc are different but basically you have to let him work things out in his own way.

Good luck :)

BertieBotts · 21/10/2014 10:14

Oh, and it gets much easier as they get older.

justrynabeagoodmama · 21/10/2014 22:14

Wow.. I have a feeling I'm going to get ripped to shreds now..
there's more to the history with my sons father than I went into, in my original post.
but putting it bluntly, he's lucky I even allow the one hour every other week - as is the current arrangement.. Northernparent.. It is definitely not just psychological.. Lonnyvonnywilsoncricket, you are right, in fact he'd probably wear more just to piss me off.
I won't lie to him about him having sensitive skin, but will take the advice to suck it up and take baths together after visits.

I should probably mention, that although in a new mum and I'm kinda late to the party at 35, I do have a massive family and 10yrs of childcare experience from early years to youth work, under my belt, so I do have a heads up on the dramas that lie ahead and most importantly common sense..

at this moment in time, there is no way in hell my DS ( thanks for the help bananaleaf and ots) will he handed over to the ex for contact time. That will stay supervised by me until I see fit.

kneequestion in an ideal world that would be a great solution. Unfortunately real life isn't always so black and white.
Bertie bots.. Hmm.. Some interesting advice, I know its difficult to give advice on a situation that hasn't fully been explained but I don't really want to go into the nutty gritty of it all.. Unfortunately I will have to micromanage whatever access I grant atm as the ex has very strange ideas of what is acceptable behaviour and his living situation is not one where I will allow my DS to be taken under any circumstances.

thanks everybody for your opinions its appreciated. Thanks for the welcome too, owlcapone! Talk about jumping in at the deep end, eh! ??

OP posts:
KneeQuestion · 22/10/2014 06:46

kneequestion in an ideal world that would be a great solution. Unfortunately real life isn't always so black and white

I know enough about 'real life' to know that it is the only solution.

'Ideal worlds' tend not to require a parent having to put aside hate for the other parent, you are in a difficult situation, but you can alter your attitude to it. You of course don't have to, if you don't, the drama will run and run.

Also as far as this being about your sons right to a relationship with both parents, that is the crux of it. That is how the situation is viewed legally too. You won't always be able to control when, where and how often your son sees his father.

justrynabeagoodmama · 22/10/2014 09:34

Fyi, My son's so called father is not on my sons birth certificate by his own choice, after he denied he was his on the day I gave birth. Therefore has no legal right over my son. He has access, now, because I allow it. This conversation was not about whether or not my son had a relationship with the ex, I simply said I would rather he wasn't involved at all. Which I stand by.

OP posts:
KneeQuestion · 22/10/2014 11:33

I can totally understand why you feel angry/hurt by what he said when your son was born.

Him not being on your sons birth certificate doesnt mean that he will continue to have 'no legal right' over your son.

Fathers who are not on the birth cert can apply for parental responsibility, which is the first step in being legally recognised as the parent.

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

It isn't a difficult thing to do.

As I said, I understand your feelings, but I think you would be better off trying to find a resolution as there is a good chance that you won't always be in the position of control that you currently have.

justrynabeagoodmama · 22/10/2014 13:12

Im sorry? Resolution for what. He has access. You are turning this into a separate issue. I appreciate your opinion but you can't possibly understand a situation that you aren't fully informed about.

OP posts:
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