i hate that my ex's aftershave lingers on my son

[justrynabeagoodmama]

I'm a new mum with a 7mnth old son and new to mumsnet. This is my first post. I am partly on here for a rant but partly to get other opinions /advice on how to handle a situation.
I dont know any of the forum abbreviations either so if anyone actually reads this and decides to reply, please help me out with the lingo! Cheers.

ok. So. My son's father and I are no longer together. He treated me badly throughout my pregnancy, we split and he decided he wanted nothing to do with my son for the first 2 months. He isn't named on the birth certificate, and id actually rather not have him involved as he is not a good person, but am allowing him supervised (by me) access to my son on a regular basis.

I have noticed that my son smells strongly of his father's aftershave after each visit and I HATE IT. His hair, clothes and skin smell so strongly that I strip him when we get home and wash everything.
I stopped wearing my favorite perfume when I had my boy, because even though I only used one squirt it was still quite strong. Is it unreasonable for me to tell my sons father to do the same on visit days?
I dont want my beautiful boy to smell like a grown man, especially one who makes my skin crawl.

Ok.

Resolution for the very apparent feelings you have towards your sons father.

For your own peace of mind and for your sons future self esteem, it would be best if you could find a way to move past them.

I am going by what you have posted here.

Also as far as this being about your sons right to a relationship with both parents, that is the crux of it. That is how the situation is viewed legally too. You won't always be able to control when, where and how often your son sees his father

People always miss one word out when they mention the child's right to a relationship,one word that makes all the difference

SAFE

The feelings I hold about the ex are for very good reason. For as long as is possible, I WILL control when where and how my son has contact time, for his own safety. Like I said before, i may be a new mum but I have common sense. This was NEVER about whether or not my son has a relationship with his father, I dont understand why you are trying to focus on something that was never the issue. Jesus.

id actually rather not have him involved as he is not a good person, am allowing him supervised (by me) access to my son on a regular basis.
is that clear enough?

I hated when my DCs were babies and someone else had held them as they always smelled of someone else's perfume/aftershave/fabric softener an that was people I liked so it must be even harder for you. I just wanted to change their clothes and put them in the bath as they didn't smell right.

I don't think you should lie to your ex as it sounds like he'd ignore you anyway. I'd do as pp have said and just bath your ds and wash his clothes. Its a minor thing even though I can completely see why it gets to you.

What are you asking then? I'm confused. I don't think you'd get ripped to shreds for anything you've said but you do seem to be jumping down everyone's throats.

You asked if it was reasonable to ask him not to wear aftershave. Most people have said no, it's his choice.

Part of his relationship is his right/choice to make decisions that you might not agree with. You can give him information (I decided to stop wearing perfume because I read that it can be irritating for babies' sensitive noses - just thought you might like to know) but you can't insist that he does things in a certain way.

If you feel he is safer with supervised contact, that's fine and a valid reason to supervise contact. But things like aftershave, nappies, the way he holds him, food given etc, it's hard but you have to butt out and let him do it whatever way he wants.

These are not two separate things. His right to raise his child as he likes is part of his relationship building with the child. It's the child's right to have a relationship with both parents unless they are at risk of harm.

People always miss one word out when they mention the child's right to a relationship,one word that makes all the difference

SAFE

Totally agree, but I am going by the info posted by the OP and I don't see anything that implies the child is not, or would not be safe with his father?

I know its difficult to give advice on a situation that hasn't fully been explained but I don't really want to go into the nutty gritty of it all.. Unfortunately I will have to micromanage whatever access I grant atm as the ex has very strange ideas of what is acceptable behaviour and his living situation is not one where I will allow my DS to be taken under any circumstances

The above could be subjective, so without knowing the 'nitty gritty' it is hard to know.

Bertie bots, I really wasn't trying to jump down anyones throat, I was just trying to reply to those who had made points or asked questions, it wasn't meant to come across like that at all. But I did get annoyed that one line that I mentioned was focused on when it was only mentioned in passing. Tbh I don't know why I am on here. I wanted a rant and to get outside opinion (dont really know why) but wasn't expecting strangers to be so judgmental on a situation -(I said id rather he wasn't involved at all) where they don't have all the facts . It is difficult to balance explaining strongly held reasons for doing something or why you have certain feelings when you dont really want to go into detail of your life. I did say at the end of my second message on this thread that I would take the advice re baths together and thanked all for their opinions, kinda thought that would be the end of the thread but I guess not.. Apologies to those who thought I was throat jumping seriously wasn't my intention.

I so sympathise with the funny smell thing - my DS always has a different smell attached to him when his been to nursery or his childminders but it soon wears off - and of course for me it's not such an emotive smell.

But I do agree with Bertie Botts and KneeQuestion, that you do have to suck it up because there is nothing you can it should do about it.

I can only imagine how hard it is to relinquish control of your lovely baby to this person. However, your lovely baby has a relationship with this father that is independent of you and, as long as your baby is safe, independent of the wishes.

My father was a violent alcoholic but I would trot off to see him once a week and no doubt come back reeking of smoke (as he was a heavy smoker as well) - but my Mum insisted on it, even though it must have been really hard for her and I had an independent relationship with my father and I am eternally grateful to my mum for supporting that. Although she had plenty of cause she never said a word against him - which is very good for her, because if she had tried to control or limit my relationship with my Dad, I may well have resented her - and that would have been even harder on her!

justrynabeagoodmama

I'm really not judging you at all, I was trying to advise you, I get that it is hard and that you don't want to disclose every in and out of your personal life on here, fair enough.

I have personal experience of a similar situation with my own EX and my children, I, like the above poster, also was the child of parents who split acrimoniously, my Mum took the same stance as MumOfTheMoos Mum and like her, I am grateful for it, it helped me figure out the best way to handle things when I faced a similar situation.

Threads tend to ramble on on here as new people add to them, or people have something else to say, every reply may not be to your liking, but there is lots of good stuff to take too.

There is a lone parents section, you might find that helpful too.

Good luck with it all anyway.

Totally understand how you feel. I feel sad enough (and guilty, and territorial) when my toddler comes home from childcare smelling of his carer's perfume. Being able to snuggle up and smell your child's scent is just such a lovely part of being a mother. Can't imagine having to smell the scent of someone you have such negative feelings toward.

I think some sort of swimming or bathing activity to mark the end of his visit with dad is probably the way to go.

It seems wrong to not like it just because he's your ex - at least not wrong to feel like that but unreasonable to express this. My son often smells like like my husband when he's been cuddling him and I love it because I love my husband. The question is, do you only dislike it because he smells of your ex?

Again, i had, myself, agreed with the advice over the ex's aftershave! baths it is!
I get the advice thing, and again -thanks- but my sons relationship with his father was not what I was asking advice on! But it was made into an issue and That's what got my back up. As much as it may come across that I may just be being bitter, I do have good reason for my feelings. I am a sensible person have no intention of bad mouthing the ex to/infront of my son. Or keeping him from seeing him. The unfortunate thing is this: Unless by some miracle, the ex has an epiphany and completely changes his entire personality and views of the world, my son will learn what kind if a person he is on his own. My reason for not wanting him involved is purely to protect him from that hurt and disappointmebt ever having to occur. But me saying that id rather he wasn't involved did nit mean I was going to cease contact between them. Again before anyone says anything, I know I can't protect my child from ever being hurt or disappointed in life but I can try, while he is young to keep him safe from harm. Yes, there are many other issues that I won't go into, that feed into my feeling towards the ex and limits to/control over contact are extremely necessary for my sons safety.

I'm not going to say any more about the contact issue.

You often associate smells with memories. So if your ex wears X aftershave and your ex is a nasty bastard, it is not unreasonable to Not want your child to smell of nasty bastard!
it would work the other way round too. If I still had feelings (retch) for my ex I'd probably be happy to sit and sniff my boy for hours after they had had contact. Sorry to put it so bluntly but I kinda thought it was obvious! Anyways well be enjoying bathtime together afterwards so problem solved ????

Completely get where you're coming from. The smell thing would drive me mad and I would be tempted to strip my DD the second she came home in your position.

At smelling of nasty bastard.

Bless you. I think you're probably better off not rocking the boat with this one. It sounds a bit petty (but understandable) and if the two of you are civil after a period of arguing, he might see it as a slight and start up with the nonsense again. I wouldn't raise anything that didn't need mentioning.

knee

Is it really that much of a leap to read the op's posts and get that she's not talking about someone who has different standards of table manners to her?

I wonder what could possibly cause her to use the words she has, feel shame that prevents her from going into details about it and concerns her enough to be very concerned about him being alone with the child

Pick your battles. Aftershave is a small thing. There will be bigger battles that are worth fighting

Pick your battles indeed. This applies to Mumsnet too. My advice for a new mums-netter is to not bother responding to the more arse'y posts. Engage with the helpful posters but there is no need to try and justify yourself to anyone else if you don't wont to. I certainly wouldn't.

I get the smell thing completely. I can't stand strong smells on anyone and my lovely mil seems to have lost her sense of smell completely - she wears an overpowering amount of a perfume that smells like Palma violets. There is nothing wrong with Palma violets as such but this makes your eyes water.

NeedsAsockamnesty
In my posts I have tried to point out that the control the OP currently has over how things goes re contact, could change in the future.

With that in mind and also thinking of how the OPs feelings towards her sons father currently are, I advised her to try to find a way to work through that, I said that with the thought that it will be easier for the OP and her child if she does so.

I have not said 'oh poor man- what about his rights as a parent' or any other such crap.

TBH your thoughts on the interpretation of the OPs words could be considered a bit of a leap, you could well be right [I hope not for the OPs sake] but similarly, she could be talking about someone who smokes weed every day and has dodgy mates. We don't know either way.

knee I unreservedly apologise I misunderstood the nature of your posts.it was my reading not your posting if that makes sense. In my head I had merged you and another post and had a brain fart.

No problem NeedsA