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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel let down by MIL

32 replies

2boysandcounting1 · 21/10/2014 04:47

I am due to have my third caesarean in just over 2 weeks (unless baby makes an appearance before!) From the beginning of my pregnancy my MIL has said she will come and help me after the birth with the 2 boys.

Now it is getting closer she has said to my husband that she can only come for 3 days and yesterday she gave my husband the dates of the 3 days and the first day is the day before i go into hospital. I have my mom helping me aswell but it is alot just for her as her health is not great and my husband will be off 2 weeks but im getting myself all worried now how i will get on when my husband goes back to work healing wise. That is when i needed the help the most. Of course i was grateful for her offer of help but it just feels like the goalposts are changing now it is closer.

This isn't a one off so i should have expected it. Everytime we have asked her down there is usually an issue of why she can't come. The last time was our sons fourth birthday. Her reason this time is jobs going on in her house and hospital appointments.

Its only us that is treated this way. When my husband had a suspected heart attack last year he had to beg his mom to come to the hospital( she is an hour away) the day he came out of hospital she went home and all day was clock watching waiting for BIL to pick her up. I shouldn't have got my hopes up that this was going to work because now i just feel upset and stressed out with it all. I am also worried i may be starting to feel down already as keep crying. I had PND with both boys and feel upset and i don't know why. The days she has given us in theory i will still be at home the one day and only be a day after the birth she will go home. I dont mean it to sound ungrateful but is MIL BU or am i?

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 21/10/2014 04:56

TBH I think you should resign yourself to the fact that MIL does not want to help you or your family.
She is BU, but in a way so are you. You know she has form for this behaviour, therefore you have unrealistic expectations and you have set yourself up for the stress and worry.

Is there any way you can call in some favours from friends to help with the boys? Are they at school/nursery?

My MIL caused nothing but stress and upset to me. Once I realised that expecting her to be helpful was completely unrealistic, I resigned myself to seeking support elsewhere or just managing as best I could on my own. In many ways it was better.

Chottie · 21/10/2014 05:00

Firstly congratulations on your soon to be family of three :)

Regarding your MiL, I don't think you should even factor her into your recovery / support plans. Make other arrangements then if your MiL doesn't turn up or lets you down, it's not a big problem. She sounds very flakey and you don't need this.

Are you in a position to buy in some services to help you? such as cleaner, mother's help? I think from your post that you are in the US? if so, I'm not sure what is available there.

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 21/10/2014 05:08

My one boy is at School and i am going to keep him home the day of the birth as i have to be in about 8.00 in the morning so would have trouble getting him to and from school. My other son is 2 so they are sleeping at my moms the day before i go in. My friends are all at work and other parents my older son is friends with dont live our way as we are just out of the catchment area.

I agree i shouldn't have relied on her help its just all through she kept saying dont worry i will help you after the birth, I won't let you down. The funny thing is we didn't ask for the help, she offered. I also don't have any extended family as im an only child.

Its just hard listening to her always talking about her other DIL and how she is always there and seeing her other 2 grandchildren and she has only seen ours twice this year and cancelled when we have arranged to all meet up.

Maybe im feeling more upset and sensitive about it because i feel hormones are all over the place.

OP posts:

Original poster

2boysandcounting1 · 21/10/2014 05:17

Chottie, I'm in the UK and can't really afford any bought in help. I agree with you and shouldn't have relied on her help. I know i will be fine when i have healed but just find it scary the recovery period. Also getting a bit nervous about the birth. More nervous this time than my 2 previous births and i do not know why.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 21/10/2014 05:17

YANBU to be upset that you are not getting the help you will need; but you probably ABU to have expected to get it from that quarter.
She clearly has form for letting you down, so I wouldn't have put any money on her coming through for you this time around, despite what she said. :(

She, OTOH, is being VfuckingU.

Rebecca2014 · 21/10/2014 06:18

YABU. You chose to have a third child so that means looking after them all by yourself. My own parents would be the same so you aren't the only one, she is coming for three days afterwards so that is something.

LadySybilLikesCake · 21/10/2014 06:27

Don't be silly, Rebecca!

Sounds like she's all talk and no substance, 2Boys Have you thought about a Doula? doula.org.uk/content/what-doula And there's a fund for families on a low income doula.org.uk/content/doula-access-fund

RobotLover68 · 21/10/2014 06:32

wow Rebecca2014 that was harsh - read the thread, she is not coming 3 days after, the first day is 1 day before op and how is telling her she is not the only one going to help her?

OP - I think you have to cut your losses with this woman, for whatever reason she is not going to treat you and her son the same as her daughter - as others have said, find other sources of support.

re: PND at least you are aware it might happen this time and get help with that immediately - good luck with your new baby, I hope it all works out for you

imip · 21/10/2014 06:39

I have 4dcs, all sections, and we live half a world away from our parents. It's very tricky but doable. I'd actually tell her not to bother helping you. I'd pay for someone to help, dps maternity leave perhaps? I wouldn't let her around for three days at all, say you've got someone in to help.

If she has got form for it, I would never factor her into plans.

I know how tricky it is. Just recently we were all at a&e with dd4 because we just have no one to rely on to mind the kids. We work around it, not ideal.

Very best of luck with dc3

Spidergirl77 · 21/10/2014 06:54

Not everyone wants to help, you have to accept that.

You will be fine, take it really easy for two weeks, let your dh do everything. YOu will mend enough then to cope.

I took my two year old and three week old swimming 6 week post section. It's very doable. house was a shit tip make sure you cook enough food now to last 6 weeks. Bag and freeze it all, pre book your food deliveries. Do as much as you can.

Enjoy.

Andanotherthing123 · 21/10/2014 07:00

Put MIL's help out of the equation and concentrate on what you can do to make yourself feel better and more in control. I know how daunting a third section feels when you have 2 other kids to look after (8 months ago I felt just like you and so nervous) but you will cope. I found that I healed well, did a lot of armchair parenting, and actually, it was easier than coping with the kids when pregnant.

Also, if your feeling teary, is there anyone you can talk to in RL? Just the chance to have a good cry, a good squeezy hug and some reassurance might help.

Congrats on dc3-we are so happy to have gone for a third and although it's so hard now, it will definitely get easier.

ohweeeell · 21/10/2014 07:11

YANBU your

FishWithABicycle · 21/10/2014 07:13

I think you just have to resign your self that she's just not that kind of grandma. From the number of threads I've seen on here along the lines of "help my mum/mil says she's coming to stay for 3 weeks after I give birth" this may be as much a blessing as a curse but either way you don't have much control and need to find a different way to get the support you need rather than expecting her to change.

Do you have a college near you that offers childcare qualifications? Our local one will match up local expectant or recently-delivered-of-a-newborn mums with their students who will provide a few hours of free care every week for a while, either helping you with the baby or looking after older children, as part of their assessed coursework. You need to provide the college with feedback as its all part of their qualification but that's a small price to pay.

ohweeeell · 21/10/2014 07:18

Oops! Your MIL sounds similar to mine in some ways. No offers of help for us, but lots of help for her DD and other grandchildren. And making out she is going to help,out when actually she is planning on being around when you already have things set in place.

Might it be worth your DH asking her to change the days she can come to after he is back at work? Though in truth, her presence or constant changing goal posts may just cause you added stress.

hope you are ok! Try not to let it get you down, remember her presence may cause you more harm than good, if she is anything like my MIL she will just be "box ticking" so she can say to others she "helped" rather than actually trying to help your family

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 21/10/2014 07:25

not being unreasonable if she made promises AND reassurances.

Hissy · 21/10/2014 07:28

reverse psychology required here.

cancel MIL, tell her it's ok, not to bother and that you'll get others to help.

ask around at school, see if you can get your ds picked up and taken to school, and potentially back again for the day, any friend wouldd help you, you're just not asking.

your dh is the one that needs to step up too, you don't need an army of people, he can handle it, if you plan for the other children to be looked after for the night/day/evening.

Hissy · 21/10/2014 07:32

my own mother wouldn't help me unless she could get some kudos out of it.

she's dash halfway across the world for my dsis though, when I had been only an hour or so away.

some people are just crap. your mil is one of them.

i'd let it slip to MIL that you told the schoolmums that she's let you down last minute, let her think that everyone knows she's a flake.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2014 07:39

I suspect you feel more nervous because you have more to juggle this time, with two smallish children already. You're going to be fine, as you were the last two times you got through this You may also be dreading the PND in advance, which is understandable, but worrying about it can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know the signs now and hopefully will be able to seek help with it so you don't struggle to the same extent.

YANBU to be disappointed with your MIL - what a miserable attitude she has, eh? - but at least you have some notice that she is going to follow previous form, and (just about) enough time to work on Plan B.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/10/2014 07:39

Is she actually helping your SIL or just telling people she is?

DaisyFlowerChain · 21/10/2014 07:52

Have to agree with Rebecca, you and your DH wanted a third child so it's upto you to look after them. Your MIL has already raised her children and is offering three days help anyway. Your DH has two weeks off so you'll be fine.

Littledidsheknow · 21/10/2014 07:52

Please dont feel too shy/ scared to ask friends and other parents in your area for help. I am quite reserved, but when I had my 3rd and DH couldn't take time off I was surprised and touched by people offering to take older two to play at their houses, or take them to school and nursery. Even a friend popping round to make a cup of tea and biscuit is a huge boost.
Most people are quite decent and like to help.
My MIL is similarly unhelpful after promising much.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/10/2014 08:36

Do you expect your MIL to cancel her hospital appointments so she can look after you?

Ledkr · 21/10/2014 08:44

I dint know if anyone else found this but my 3rd and 4th sections were a doddle, dh had two weeks off and by then I was pretty much able to get in with looking after the kids and essential tasks then dh took over when home. If he worked a late I ordered food if too tired to cook.
You will be fine.

Mouthfulofquiz · 21/10/2014 08:58

I would actually tell her not to bother then at least you know where you stand. Do as much internet food shopping and sorting out as you can now. You'll be fine!

Whereisegg · 21/10/2014 08:58

I'm with gobby I think, work on her house that she may have been needing for weeks/months or is it stuff to do with heating or insulation given the time of year?
Also, hospital appointments take weeks/months to come through, do you know what they're for?).

Anyway, I understand that you feel let down, but on her first day there surely there is a huge amount she can do to help?
A big food shop, batch cooking, change the beds, a whole house clean, empty the ironing basket...

Also agree with the pp wondering if she's actually helping sil or just saying that she is.

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