To feel let down by MIL

[2boysandcounting1]

I am due to have my third caesarean in just over 2 weeks (unless baby makes an appearance before!) From the beginning of my pregnancy my MIL has said she will come and help me after the birth with the 2 boys.

Now it is getting closer she has said to my husband that she can only come for 3 days and yesterday she gave my husband the dates of the 3 days and the first day is the day before i go into hospital. I have my mom helping me aswell but it is alot just for her as her health is not great and my husband will be off 2 weeks but im getting myself all worried now how i will get on when my husband goes back to work healing wise. That is when i needed the help the most. Of course i was grateful for her offer of help but it just feels like the goalposts are changing now it is closer.

This isn't a one off so i should have expected it. Everytime we have asked her down there is usually an issue of why she can't come. The last time was our sons fourth birthday. Her reason this time is jobs going on in her house and hospital appointments.

Its only us that is treated this way. When my husband had a suspected heart attack last year he had to beg his mom to come to the hospital( she is an hour away) the day he came out of hospital she went home and all day was clock watching waiting for BIL to pick her up. I shouldn't have got my hopes up that this was going to work because now i just feel upset and stressed out with it all. I am also worried i may be starting to feel down already as keep crying. I had PND with both boys and feel upset and i don't know why. The days she has given us in theory i will still be at home the one day and only be a day after the birth she will go home. I dont mean it to sound ungrateful but is MIL BU or am i?

spidergirl77 if you went swimming 6 weeks post section would your 3 week old not have been 6 weeks old lol?!

You just have to accept that some people do not want to help . There's no point railing against it.

When dd was born I was panicking about what to do with ds. A mum from the school came over at 4am to look after him, and dh asked the pil to come over for 9am when the mum had to go to work.

Retrospectively I'd rather have tied ds up outside the delivery room! Fil called the hospital constantly asking when dh would be home because mil was bored The hospital were furious and whilst I was giving birth dh was rowing with fil on the phone just outside the door. When dh got home the pil were in a sulk because they were expecting to have been left a meal. Yep, when your baby arrives two weeks early first of all you think, "Ah, must prepare a casserole for the pil". Cue another giant row which never really healed where fil was shouting that mil was his priority, and should be dh's too.

Oh my goodness Brenda
They sound like an absolute nightmare. I don't think I would be able to forgive that type of behaviour!

My 3rd c section was a doodle too op. My mil had dc day of section. Dh had day off to be with me. He than worked from home whilst in hospital. I had one day with him home with me. After that I was ln my own and I coped with school runs although I did have other parents on standby if necessary.Although appreciate my dc were older.

Think some people being harsh. Op will still be in hospital when Mil goes home so she is not helping much. Given your history op I can understand why you want extra support but you have your Dh. I am sure you will be fine.

Have some . YANBU, your MIL is. All the people saying your MIL is not obliged to help out are right. But she offered to and is now basically offering to come and chat with you before hand and coo over the baby, not be helpful. So feeling let down is perfectly reasonable. She isn't obliged to help you out. But relationships are two way things and just as she isn't obliged to help you out, you aren't obliged to chase after her or look after her in her old age, so if you're the sort of person who would find it comforting, store it up in the back of your mind and down the line you can reciprocate in kind.

Otherwise, just put her to one side in your thoughts. Don't consider her promises at all. And when she makes other ones don't accept them - they are the promises of a 5 year old. You can't rey on them. Personally I would probably tell her not to bother coming down, certainly not for the day before the delivery, and probably not at all. It would just annoy me to have her about when there are others already committed to actually being useful. You don't have to be an accessory in her act. But if it might be, all things considered, helpful to have her on the day (so your DH can be with you perhaps?) then take her up on it and give her as much kudos as that deserves (which isn't small, but isn't as much as it sounds like your mum will be due).

Then concentrate on what you need to make this a good time for you. You know you're at risk of PND, it sounds like you may already be a bit depressed. So talk to your midwife or GP about it. Don't hide it away. Get the tools you'll need to make things as smooth as possible in place now. It isn't surprising you feel stressed, you have a lot going on physically and mentally. But you don't have to just bear it. Also, talk to your DH about your fears and see how he can take some of the load off you

You will get through this. Try not to let fear take over, in those first few months you don't need to do much with them if you aren't up to it. Just get everyone safely through the day. Don't set your expecttions too high and make use of all the shortcuts you need to. A bit more TV or ready made meals (or snacks that don't need any prepping) or missed clubs or whatever won't be the end of the world for your other two for a few months. All the best OP.

Thank you for all the replies, i have been out today with no internet so haven't been able to catch up with the thread.

My husband is going to tell her not to worry about coming down the day before. He said he will ask if she can come when in out and if not to not worry about it.

Of course i wouldn't expect her to cancel her appointments but without sounding awful i actually dont believe she has them as they always seem to come up when she is seeing us. For example we invited her to come on holiday with us and she said yes then at the last minute she had a hospital appointment for the week we were going. There have been many other occasions like that too.

Also when my SIL was in labour my MIL was at the hospital with her in the middle of the night walking the corridors looking after her other little boy. She is also helping them to decorate and when my husband phoned the other night she said she had to go as she was expecting a call from SIL.

I think what hurts is how different we are treated and it feels like we are a hassle to her.

I actually have an appointment tomorrow with a councillor midwife to talk about how in feeling. I probably am overthinking things and am probably worrying about feeling down after the birth so getting myself all worked up now.