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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think time and less stress is more important than money....

32 replies

peppajay · 20/10/2014 21:33

My husband has been offered a job through his company 30 miles away so it would mean a 60 mile commute each day. The job will be a lot more stressful longer hours, and a longer commute but a fair bit more money. At the moment my hubby works 5 miles away from home and works an 8 hour day he takes the kids to school and then works 10-7 and home by 7.30. This new job would be working lates and starting at 11-9 4 days a week with a Saturday working once a month. My main concerns are that he wouldnt be able to eat a proper meal for 4 days a week as his shift goes over lunch and dinner- the job is driving based so he would have sandwichs for lunch and a meal at a transport cafe in the eve or vice versa. As he will be driving long mileage he will sitting down for most of the day and not moving around - at the moment he is out and about all day going to various different places and he also cycles to work. We love the shifts he does now and we do manage financially but obviously the extra money would be great. When we were growing up my dad worked 70 hours plus a week and we never saw my dad and he was always stressed BUT we had a fantastic childhood we enjoyed fantastic holidays and days out when he wasnt working and never really wanted for anything. We were always able to go on school trips and enjoy after school activities whereas at the moment my kids cant as we cant afford for them to do dancing swimming, drama school classes and musical instrument tuition. We have had a falling out with my parents as they think my DH is lazy for not accepting this job - he is the provider and needs to provide he doesn't need to be home with his family or enjoy nights chilling watching TV he needs to be working every hour God sends so his kids can have the best things in life like he gave us. My parents are both in their 70's and both still work. I don't think it did me any harm long term not seeing my dad but I am not very close to him and he is constantly stressed because he has no time but he thinks the money is far more important and he is still working now to carry on giving his children an inheritance, which is a lovely thought but he says as a parent he would feel guilty not leaving us anything because he wants to sit on his arse watching TV or gardening all day. I have told them I think the time with the children as a family is far more important but he totally disagrres because he says by my DH refusing to work harder our children are missing out on so much. Opinions please....

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/10/2014 21:56

It's a very personal decision. Generally I'd say that if you are not meeting your bills and food is short then you should probably work harder and take on more stress. If the kids can't pick you out of an identity parade or one of you is having regular chest pains then you should work less and have less stress.

But between those lines it is up to you.

My parents also find me and dh's way of sharing childcare etc confusing. My mum can't get over the fact that my Oxbridge educated dh is able to look after both children all by his little old self. He has even managed to figure out how to change a nappy!

redskybynight · 20/10/2014 21:57

Do you work OP? I agree with you that the commute plus the extra hours would be very hard on your DH. However, you're obviously keen for a bit more cash - can you provide this, rather than your DH?

bodhranbae · 20/10/2014 22:10

he says by my DH refusing to work harder our children are missing out on so much

This is bollocks.
Your father has a very shallow take on life.

We have always opted for quality of live over relentless pursuit of money.
Life is too short to piss it away on endless commutes and stress and misery just to make a few more quid.

Original poster
peppajay · 20/10/2014 22:12

I now work 20 hours a week and this has made a huge difference but still not enough to be able to afford the things my parents gave us. We would love to have a holiday abroad every year and be able to take them to magical Father Christmas grottos but the reality is we can't on what we earn and yes if we worked ourselves to the ground we could, but are they really missing out. We have a holiday most years usually a caravan holiday - when we were kids we never stayed in a caravan always a villa or posh hotel and my parents honestly think this is a shame for the kids because with a bit more hard graft the kids could have so much better!!

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 20/10/2014 22:13

I don't think he's lazy as he's the only one working. Swimming is an important life skill and I'd do pretty much most jobs if I couldn't even provide that.

Children can be separated from their peers at high school if they can't do the clubs, trips etc. Time is important but you can still work and have plenty of family time if a couple share the earning burden.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 20/10/2014 22:17

3 years ago I swapped jobs for one closer to home, less hours and of a lower grade.

It was the best thing I've done. It means I can do all of the school drop off and pick ups and have flexibility to cover times like assemblies, illness, inset days etc.

Our situation is different though as DH also works and earns a good wage, so my swap meant that we were no longer reliant on a CM (drop in salary was equalled out by not having any childcare costs) and our dc had more choice re: after school clubs, attending parties, having friends round for tea etc.

If you and your DH are happy with life the way it is currently then I wouldn't accept the new job. If lack of money is enough to cause problems (rather than not doing all the activities that your dc would like) then maybe he should take it, but be sure to maintain his health and spend time as a family whenever his shifts allow.

These things are never straightforward.

ProveMeWrong · 20/10/2014 22:18

The best things in life are free...duh duh duh duh!

If you are asking what I would do, I'd keep with option you have now. He will most likely live longer for a start! Much healthier lifestyle, active, driving equals stress too. The most precious thing we have is time. And you spend more money when you have less time. Factor in commuting costs, hurried shopping costs as you drag kids round supermarket with you as husband is at work, guilt presents and guilt days out to make up for lost time. Music lessons etc are great but if it was really important to them, could you afford just one of those activities? Or just take them swimming yourselves? It's quality, not quantity.

But I have my bias, we just majorly downshifted to free up both our time. No posh schools, one battered old car, no Sky tv, apartment not a house any more. But we still have lots of simple pleasures and we are all a LOT happier.

Preciousbane · 20/10/2014 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProveMeWrong · 20/10/2014 22:24

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen Goodman
American journalist (1941 - )

morethanpotatoprints · 20/10/2014 22:35

It depends if you are a work to live person or a live to work person.
Some people are motivated by high earnings and an expensive lifestyle others are more self sufficient and less needy.

blueshoes · 20/10/2014 23:24

The conventional wisdom is that time with your children is more precious than money and on your death bed yada yada.

But actually money is very nice and whilst your dh and you are still young, perhaps you could give some thought to building up some spare cash not just for holidays but to set your children up for university fees or deposit for a house which they will thank you for in time to come.

It does not have to be the extreme of your father's example but I could not fiddle in the summer and starve in the winter.

Preciousbane · 21/10/2014 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArgyMargy · 21/10/2014 08:01

Drivers suffer some of the worst health - for precisely the reasons you've identified. Add to that musculoskeletal problems and you could end up really regretting it. I agree about work life balance as well; of course your children will benefit from spending more time with their dad. And so will he.

CeliaFate · 21/10/2014 08:01

How old are your dc?

Can they be involved in the discussion, to get their views if they're old enough to understand the consequences of either decision?

I completely disagree with your dad's perspective. Family time is important, as is your time as a couple.

If material things are so important then you'd be closer to your parents than you are.

If you're both happy, stay as you are. Money is great, but if you've got enough to get by and are happy in your current position then it's no substitute for being together.

Preciousbane · 21/10/2014 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bulbasaur · 21/10/2014 08:17

Somewhere there is a sweet spot between not being stressed about bills and not being stressed about time. It's very hard to hit that spot.

Really, I'd talk about your husbands concerns with him and see why he feels he needs more money. He might have a point. He might not. Ask him what it is that he feels is worth giving up family time for. Something like better schools might be a good reason, but extra holidays would not be.

Anyway, it really comes down to what works for you and your family. Your parents shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion on it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/10/2014 08:20

We get by on a relatively low combined income, and my DHs wage is low. However he works term time only and is home at 4.30 on three days and 5.30 the other two. He always has a half hour with dd every morning too.

The amount of involvement he has in her life is massive, as I work shifts, and he finds his job low stress (not sure how as I couldnt do it!) so to me, the trade off is totally worth it.

A couple of extra grand in the bank would be nice, but not at the expense of us both being home a lot with the dcs.

Badvoc123 · 21/10/2014 08:28

I lost my beloved dad last year very unexpectedly at 67.
I am so grateful for all the years he spent with us at evenings and weekends.
We went for walks, he helped us with school work, took us on outings. He worked very hard...he was still working ft when he died...but he also knew how to have a good home/work balance.
I think your Dh sounds lovely and has his priorities right.
And stop telling your parents your personal financial matters!

Gaia81 · 21/10/2014 09:05

I think the balance is a v. personal thing, you have to work out how much value you attach to certain things and work out if the uplift in salary is worth it - not always easy prior to starting a position.

famalam · 21/10/2014 09:11

OP if you are both happy with his shifts and are managing financially well enough, I would say don't change it. The alternative sounds very stressful and even if there was more money, how often would he be able to relax and enjoy it?
We were in a similar situation and chose to leave things as they were.

famalam · 21/10/2014 09:14

And stop telling your parents your personal financial matters!

Oh yes to this!

Takver · 21/10/2014 09:16

peppajay, I'd be with you 100%, especially as (I think) your children are still pretty young? IME it's much better to have a lower income and more time if you have young dc, and just to take one example I can't believe they care whether you have the odd day out, a camping holiday or one abroad!

Similarly, I'd say its much better to have the time to go swimming with them yourselves (certainly round here there are even free family sessions on a Saturday) than the money to pay for lessons but not the time to enjoy things.

You might find things change once they're older and into their teenage years, but then they'll be out and about doing things, won't need taking/fetching from school etc and it'll be easier for one or the other of you to do more hours.

ithoughtofitfirst · 21/10/2014 09:23

It's so personal this.

We effectively halved our household income so i could stay at home with ds. It worked for us. Plus i have a panic disorder so have to keep stress (wherever i can) to a minimum anyway. But my friends have gone back to work and really enjoyed nice family holidays and doing up their homes, meals out, day trips etc

Iggly · 21/10/2014 09:27

Yanbu

I'm so looking forward to the day I can down tools and work fewer hours. As it is I take the kids to school and I'm home by 6 most days but there are times when I have to work long hours evenings and weekends. I hate it!

dreamingbohemian · 21/10/2014 09:52

I think if things are good now, don't break it.

This isn't the only other job in the world, right? Turning it down doesn't mean your husband will never make any more money, something else may come along that pays more but isn't such a massive shift.

You don't say how old your kids are but presumably you could go FT at some point yourself.

We are low income but we get to spend a lot of time together and are really happy because of that. But neither of us have ever had money so we don't know what we're missing, basically. It's probably hard for your parents to understand how people can be happy with less.