To think our relationship is over?

[Whattodo32]

We don't want the same things. We don't have the same hopes and dreams for the future.

We never chatter about plans as we have none. We have different ones and therefore can't.

I feel like it's so important for us to want similar things as it would give us hopes and aspirations.

We argue constantly. We have little sex life.

We have two DCs three and one and both work full time.

Sorry that things feel so tough at the moment. I don't know whether your relationship is over or whether you're just going through a bad patch, have you talked to your partner about this? I think services like Relate often help couples open up the channels of communication again whether to save the relationship or to manage a split more amicably.

Omg REKINDLE if you can. Would be my advice. Even if you feel like it won't help it really really could bring you closer again. Did you ever have a good relationship? Cause if you did at the start then you can definitely get it back.

I am sick of explaining that in order to feel happy within the relationship I wasn't us to share enthusiasm for shared future goals. Is that a normal thing to want? I'm not even sure if it is or not.

*want us to

Could you have couple counselling?
Having two preschoolers & both working full time is hard work & doesn't leave much time for your relationship
Could you book a babysitter & chat about things over dinner?

We've been together since I was 16 and I'm 32 now. Kind of fell into the relationship.

What shared goals do you want ?
You've had two children together so that must have been a shared decision?
Are you unhappy, do you want to move / travel or have another baby & he doesn't ?

That's unfair actually - I've did split for a month or so when I was 22 and was absolutely heartbroken, so clearly love was there.

I don't think we'd have time for counselling.

• WE split

Yes I want to move and he point blank refuses to talk about it. He's said that when our finances are in order next year then I can put the wheels in motion but has made clear it would be a selfish move as he doesn't want to go anywhere.

I would also like him to be enthusiastic about little trips or visits places or even the odd night out with friends. Anything 'new' is a total chore.

I suggested a caravan but he won't even have a fanciful discussion about it.

I don't think that the time in life to be making choices as big as this about your marriage are best done when you have a baby and a toddler. It's just too busy a time, so it's normal for marriages not to be at their best.

It's completely fine for you to want to be able to talk about goals for the future, especially concerning your children, but how big are your differences here?

Sorry, x posted.

Maybe you need to take some time to think about how you can make yourself feel more fulfilled without his enthusiasm. That would be a good thing to do whether or not your marriage lasts.

He just doesn't want anything. Because he doesn't share my dream he just won't talk about it. His biggest 'want' I suppose is to stay put.

I have a clear cut image and dream about how I want our lives to pan out. I know plans don't always work out (far from it) but i think everyone is allowed hopes aren't they?

The up thrust of it is that I'd like to move to a family friendly village precisely six minutes away - a HUGELY watered down version of my original dream to try and appease him.

I'm so angry as a house has come on the market there and it was just perfect. However after insisting we go see it he turned his nose up and just whined the entire time.

I phoned up today to make a viewing and since going on the market on Friday it's already had two asking price offers and 12 viewings. The agent wouldn't even let us look around. So CLEARLY is was a nice house - where he just moaned and said 'he didn't like it'.

Even a positive comment or two, some day dreaming. Nothing.

I know I'm rambling but it's helping to get it down.

If you don't have time for counselling I'm wondering whether you have any time for you as a couple which is a problem in of itself. Two small kids and full time jobs is not easy, partners should support each other with this but it sounds like the person who should be your sanctuary is causing you a whole lot more stress. You sound worn out but still ambivalent about your relationship, I think finding a way to carve out some time to spend with each other, trying to find some common ground, would really help. Ending a relationship with the man you've been with all your adult life and who is the father of your DC would likely be a hugely traumatic process, maybe that will be the right thing to do in the end, but it sounds like you need some space to think this through and weigh up your options, I hope you can find it, relationship counsellors will see people on their own if they can't attend as a couple btw .

I don't want to end up resentful and I feel that's rapidly happening. My parents divorced after my mum lived for many years in a place that didn't make her happy.

Thanks ILovePud

DP and I don't have big verbal plans either. We have a brand new house so no real improvements needed there. We plan our holidays a few weeks ahead. I generally say why don't we go... And we take it from there.

Why not take small steps - day trips, nights out. It's very easy to get into a rut and find it quite cosy there!

I'm glad it's not just us Wips.

He's downstairs sat on the sofa now and I'm upstairs after yet another argument. This is coming more and more common place and it just makes me so sad. We don't even like each other.

You sound like you resent him for not wanting the same things that you do.

Is there a compromise here?

He doesn't seem to want a change. You want some major changes - to move house is a big change, even if you don't move far, and buying a caravan is a big decision too.

I'd consider where your requirement for a big change is coming from. Is it just general unhappiness? Is there a specific reason that you want a caravan, or a new house? Are you deliberately, but subconsciously, choosing things that you know he won't want to do?

Is there anything you do both want? Anything you can try together? If you can't find something in common, you're going to struggle with this resentment. It doesn't sound like it's a good idea to make a big change feeling like this, so you're kind of in a catch-22.

I'd think carefully about why you want to move. In the meantime, I'd speak to him, or email him if you can't speak to him, and explain that you are finding life stale and want to enjoy things with him, but you're finding his negative attitude draining. Ask him to identify something that he's excited about doing with you, and give a clear deadline - next Friday, for example. Keep the email neutral, so he doesn't feel attacked. Don't nag him about what you're doing, or if he's booked anything. Just let him do something.

If he does nothing, then you need a bigger discussion, because he'll be deliberately ignoring your feelings. If he does something, though, you'll be doing something together and it'll be a start. Small steps.

x posted with you there, it sounds like you and he have different ideas about where you should be living right now. That doesn't mean one of you is right and one is wrong, some compromise on both parts will probably be needed. Resentment can poison a relationship and I think given that you've got a kind of family story about marriages failing over the issue of where to live this could become a self fulfilling prophesy. I wonder whether the house issue is just the symptom of a lack of communication leading to misunderstandings and festering resentment. I wonder if you can put this to one side for a while and work on opening up the channels of communication over less contentious issues?

That said, if you're not looking at the same future, you'll just be prolonging the inevitable. If he sees you growing old as a family where you are now and you're bursting at the seams to get out, it won't work. If he likes a quiet life with no new challenges or experiences and you will feel empty without them, it won't work. Some compromise is necessary, but you need to find a happy medium.

I don't know if fanciful conversation is unreasonable. Some people just don't dream like that, they are realists, they might be glass-half-empty people who don't get excited until it's actually happening. You might have to suck it up a bit there - does he listen while you talk?

But he's not saying it will never happen - just he has another priority. It's about trying to align those priorities.

I just wanted to add that nearly all relationships go through bad patches, many can pull through, look after yourself and hope you're feeling better soon.

This thing of mine has been going on for a long time. Several years.

He said two years ago if I still felt like it we'd move. We haven't.

However the problems is that yes he said it may happen but he doesn't want to do it. Yes it's a hope of mine but I wouldn't be happy unless he was happy also - and so it's not going to happen is it?

The children are also getting older and the more we stay the more upheaval it's going to cause them. This is why I wanted to move before DS started nursery.

It would be fantastically selfish of me to uproot him against his will - but equally I'm not sure what it is of him to deny me this dream? Is it unreasonable? I'm not sure.

He's gone to sleep in DSs bed tonight and I just feel sick to the stomach.

Another night of arguing over the same thing we've argued about for so many years.