To think our relationship is over?

[Whattodo32]

We don't want the same things. We don't have the same hopes and dreams for the future.

We never chatter about plans as we have none. We have different ones and therefore can't.

I feel like it's so important for us to want similar things as it would give us hopes and aspirations.

We argue constantly. We have little sex life.

We have two DCs three and one and both work full time.

Thanks you iLovepud that is really, really kind.

The idea about emailing and setting him the task is an excellent one and something I will be doing.

We've got a nearly 3yo and a 12 week old. Our relationship feels like it's on the back burner to be honest; we don't have much time or energy for each other at the moment. Sure we love each other but everything is so fucking functional at the moment.

My DH is crap when I ask him what he wants out of life. Really annoys me as I've always had dreams of doing something (though what that is I don't know!) a little less ordinary and he seems quite happy plodding passively along. We've argued discussed this a great deal and it seems to largely come down to lack of confidence on DHs part. His parents are not risk-takers, never wanted to get above their station etc so life's been about playing it safe for him. Whereas I want something more, something that fires a passion. But he doesn't feel able to get that, like he doesn't deserve it.

Could your DH be in a similar place? Add the daily bloody grind of having 2 small children to deal with to a lack if confidence and he's just freezing on the spot?

Why do you want to move?

It could be a self-fulfilling prophecy OP because if you're not happy and are dissatisfied, chances are he feels the same. If I wasn't happy and secure in my relationship, I wouldn't be wanting to make big lifestyle changes incase even bigger and not necessarily positive ones were required somewhere on the horizon.

What makes your husband happy? When did you last feel truly happy with him? He should be asking himself the same questions about you. It sounds as if you're working towards growing apart and the resentment of the status quo is setting in. Don't let it.

... and you don't even know what YOU want OP, yet you're saying your husband is 'crap' because he doesn't know what he wants out of life. Maybe he does, he just doesn't feel that he can talk to you about it as you judge him for his situation. Doesn't really seem that fair to me actually.

I think you're dissatisfied with what YOU'VE achieved in your life and are trying to make your husband responsible in some way for that. He has the right to differing wants and dreams just as you do.. you really need to take some time to talk before it's too late.

MATB1 congratulations! Our 'baby' is 17 months now so things getting a bit easier there - perhaps why this issue has reared its head again?

You have really struck a chord there - his parents are exactly as you say, live down the road and their biggest 'risk' was moving to a nearby street about 20 years ago. Nothing wrong in that but if MIL was really honest with herself I know she's not where she wanted to be, and the boats sailed now.

I want to move now as I want to have the experience of bringing our family up somewhere spectacular - I want them to have what I didn't have growing up and give them that now.

I don't want to be 50 when we do it as a nod to what could have been. I want to give them proper roots - not a hotchpotch of living here and there or the suburban experience I had.

I also want this for ME too. I feel drawn to something more exciting than vanilla, which is how I feel about where we currently live.

Like I say, in in my heart of hearts I wanted to move about 20mins away to a real bit of rural Britain. But I really, really am willing to compromise.

It's not going away.

I asked DS who is three is he liked his new school nursery yesterday and he said he "loved" it so I already feel like a witch.

But do I just suppress this forever?

I do know this sounds very first world problem. We've had a tough few years adding shade to what seems like a very trivial concern i.e. where we will CHOOSE to live (oh the hardship). It's just an issue that's not abating and I'm not sure why.

After re-reading that pose I think I should just go and get a T-shirt that says 'It's All About Me."

I do ask him what he wants - which is to stay put.

Do I just accept that?

No, you don't have to accept that but the compromise may be that you both can have some of what you want, ie. you might rent a house in the location you want for ONE YEAR so it's not permanent and it gives you both the real flavour of what is your dream. You could rent out your existing house thereby keeping hold of the roots that your husband is clinging on to.

It's very difficult... it could just as easily be you that doesn't want to move or change things and you'd probably have a lot of support to stand your ground, irrespective of your husband's wishes to move.

I find your terminology a bit odd - 'vanilla'?, 'spectacular'? What do these words actually mean to you? I get that you want to give your children what you didn't have but where has this come from? You talk about your childrens' roots but they have already established them... what is it that you mean?

Sounds like my relationship....!