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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what a NRP is supposed to do re contact?

42 replies

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:23

Posting her mainly for traffic. On a recent thread posters said someone was a crap dad for only seeing his DC 48hrs a month - which I agree is awful!

I'm just wondering though what is acceptable contact? DP's ex left him when DSS was just under a year old because she wanted to sleep around and didn't want to be tied down. She recently moved away which now means it takes DP 3 hrs round trip to pick up DSS. Current arrangement is every other weekend, Friday around 4pm to Sunday around 5-6pm and roughly half of all school holidays. Midweek contact is not possible due to the distance and DP's working hours. DSS's mum won't let DP have any say in day to day decisions and tbh I think she'd rather she could just wipe him out of her life. She says he's a crap dad for only seeing DSS 4 nights a month but really, what's the alternative?

What is a NRP supposed to do when mum was the one who left and moved away making contact incredibly difficult? She also won't let DP phone and speak to DSS so it's not like that's an option.

OP posts:

ElliotLovesGrub · 20/10/2014 17:28

So was your dp moving which added more time to the travelling her fault too? Dearie me.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/10/2014 17:30

The DPs ex moved, Elliot

ElliotLovesGrub · 20/10/2014 17:30

Oh, I'm breaking etiquette and referring to another thread where she says the complete opposite.

WestEast · 20/10/2014 17:32

Different things work for different families. There is no one right answer. What matters is the child at the centre of it all.

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:33

DP's ex originally moved further away - journey was about 2-2 and a half hrs round trip. We then moved slightly further making it 3 hrs. But yes, it's her fault she moved originally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:34

WestEast - I agree. I'm just wondering if there's a better alternative that works than just seeing DSS four nights a month.

OP posts:

ElliotLovesGrub · 20/10/2014 17:36

I think it's quite telling that he moved even further away and yet the distance is still "her fault". Especially when you say midweek contact isn't possible because of distance and working hours. Hmm,

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:38

Midweek contact wasn't possible before we moved. We moved further away as rents were cheaper, DP's got a better more high paying job and my commute cost less meaning we could pay her more maintenance whilst still maintaining the previously arranged contact of every other weekend plus half holidays. The alternative is to move closer to her, pay less maintenance as my commute costs more as well as living miles away from everyone we know.

OP posts:

WestEast · 20/10/2014 17:41

What does your partners son think?

itsbetterthanabox · 20/10/2014 17:46

Why can't he have him every weekend? Why every other?

Chapeausalesman · 20/10/2014 17:51

OP - I'm not sure posting on here is worth it to be honest. You may get some helpful answers but you'll get a whole lot of shit too, because of course divorced mums are NEVER in the wrong, it's always the dads. Doesn't matter that your DPs ex may have had affairs, moved 2 hrs away, blocks phone contact, she will always been in the right according to a lot of the posters here. I'd say post on the step parenting page but that's not much better!

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:54

EOW and a midweek is standard. Doing a 6hr round trip midweek would be pointless.

The NRP can do nothing in this situation. It's awful for them but on the other hand the RP shouldn't have to dictate their life by theories so I really don't see the solution.

Vitalstatistix · 20/10/2014 17:55

Seriously? She left him because she wanted to sleep around? You are saying this woman had a baby with him then basically said hey love, I decided I want to boot you out cos I really want to go out and fuck lots and lots of blokes?

Then she got a new partner, settled down and had another baby, right? So much for sleeping around, eh?

Your partner moved further away. She moved away and then he moved a longer way, creating a distance between them that he now feels means he can't visit often. He could have chosen to look for work closer. taking where his son is as his centre point, that gives a MASSIVE range to look within a couple of hours travelling distance. But he chose to make the distance wider and is now saying it's too far and it's her fault?

He knew or should have known when he chose to move that extra half an hour to an hour away that it could impact on his time with his child and it should have formed part of his decision making. He should have planned how he was going to manage it. He made a choice which he felt was the best option. He has to deal with the consequences of that. He could choose to go to them every week. He could say that that extra hour is a price worth paying for him because although he had to move further away nothing matters more than his son so he will make even more effort. He could say that, couldn't he?

If his ex is being uncooperative and obstructive and mean and all that, then he has the option to go to court and have them order more contact. He has the option to do everything within his power to legally force her to allow a fair relationship with his son. He has the absolute right to do that and that would be the most straightforward way for him to get more contact if that is what he wants. He can also go to court to insist that he is involved in decision making. He can get the court to set out agreed times to phone. I assume he has parental responsibility?

ApocalypseThen · 20/10/2014 17:56

She left him because she wanted to sleep around, eh? Is that exactly what she said at the time?

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 17:56

How old is DSS? Is he old enough to have his own phone?

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:56

WestEast - DSS is 5 so can't comment too much but whenever DP drops him back at his Mum's he always say he's going to miss him and says he always tells his Mum he misses him - though ex would never tell us that.

Itsbetter - not sure ex would go for that. Then it would mean she has DSS for weekdays only which involves school run etc.

Tbh I'm not sure there is a simple solution seeing as midweek isn't really an option.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:59

For those asking about reasons for leaving - her and I used to be really good friends. She told me that was basically her reason for leaving. She only wanted a baby, didn't care about father and just wanted to sleep around - which believe me, she did a lot of.

Of course she settled down a lot now since having another baby and the past is the past but point is a lot of people say fathers revoke their rights when they have an affair but this time it wasn't him sleeping around or leaving, it was her. That was the only point I was making.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 20/10/2014 18:01

It's irrelevant to your question and makes you look like a judgemental arse, especially for someone who went off with her friend's ex.

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:02

It's pretty poor that she won't allow phone contact. That's just strikes me as nasty. I'd say he was too young for a phone himself at the mo too.

I don't see what you can do as it stands. I really don't see her allowing every weekend and you already have half the holidays.

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:05

Because of course if a man said they want a baby with anybody they could find but planned to shag about after no one would judge him...

ApocalypseThen · 20/10/2014 18:09

They might, but what has that to do with the question the OP asked? It's just an attempt to make the mother a Slutty Bad Woman so we'll feel that the man has been harder done by than the question she's asking could of itself.

ElliotLovesGrub · 20/10/2014 18:22

Yeah, that plus the omission of her partner moving further away and adding to distance was to paint a certain picture of the mother.

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:24

She moved 2 1/2 hours away. That's more relevant than his 30 minute move!

extremepie · 20/10/2014 18:26

Fwiw every guy I know who is NRP has their kids every other weekend, except my ex who sees them much less!

Seems quite standard?

ElliotLovesGrub · 20/10/2014 18:29

You don't think it's relevant that he had the funds to move and decided to move even further away rather than closer?

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