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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what a NRP is supposed to do re contact?

42 replies

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 17:23

Posting her mainly for traffic. On a recent thread posters said someone was a crap dad for only seeing his DC 48hrs a month - which I agree is awful!

I'm just wondering though what is acceptable contact? DP's ex left him when DSS was just under a year old because she wanted to sleep around and didn't want to be tied down. She recently moved away which now means it takes DP 3 hrs round trip to pick up DSS. Current arrangement is every other weekend, Friday around 4pm to Sunday around 5-6pm and roughly half of all school holidays. Midweek contact is not possible due to the distance and DP's working hours. DSS's mum won't let DP have any say in day to day decisions and tbh I think she'd rather she could just wipe him out of her life. She says he's a crap dad for only seeing DSS 4 nights a month but really, what's the alternative?

What is a NRP supposed to do when mum was the one who left and moved away making contact incredibly difficult? She also won't let DP phone and speak to DSS so it's not like that's an option.

OP posts:

King1982 · 20/10/2014 18:30

It's unfair. You P has been cheated on. Potentially used for a child. The cheating party has moved away with the child. It's must be tough on him.

It's always going to be tough on the non primary carer. With the increase of SAHDs there will be more women unfortunately in this position. It's hard to see a solution unless part time work and 50/50 contact is achieved.

fifi669 · 20/10/2014 18:32

So he could have moved 30 minutes closer but could potentially be further from his place of work and still couldn't see the child midweek due to a 4 hour round trip!

lunar1 · 20/10/2014 18:51

The traveling should be split given that they both moved.

You've posted this before haven't you? If you are the same poster you really need to let go of your issues with his ex. You used to be friends, that doesn't mean you know the details of their marriage.

Coffeeinapapercup · 20/10/2014 18:55

Every other weekend seems totally standard to me. Time is to my mind fairly immaterial. It's about whether you continue to be a parent regardless

King1982 · 20/10/2014 19:16

Coffee, are you suggesting you wouldn't mind how much contact you got with your children? Because 'time is immaterial'.

Bigoleheffer · 20/10/2014 19:20

King, I think coffee might be my ex or his wife. They seem to think time is immaterial too. My DS is lucky if he gets 20 hours a month with his dad and no over night stays, no holidays and he's lucky if he gets a 2 hour invite around Xmas. I'm guessing it's all my fault too. Coffee you might think time is immaterial but Im guessing you haven't had to watch a child sob in a corner wondering why his father has stopped loving him. Time is absolutely material to children.

JustShakeitoff · 20/10/2014 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 20/10/2014 19:44

It sounds to me like your DP is doing everything he possibly can, and can't be expected to do any more seeing as his child was moved far away from him, which presumably he had no say in.

I'm not really sure what, or why, you're asking though. You seem to know already that your DP sees his child as much as he possibly can, and you are in a pretty good position to judge whether he's a good Dad or not compared to anyone on here.

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 22:45

Lunar - I've not posted this before and have no issue with ex in terms of her being DSS's mum / my DP's ex. In fact I would quite happily say evidently she's doing a good job of bringing up DSS. He's well mannered, incredibly sweet and times and a huge joy to be around. Given she, and now her new bf does majority care it's clearly not just down to my DP's parenting. So she's obviously a good Mum despite contact issues and not letting DP be involved at times. The only issue I have with her is how she treated me as a friend about an issue I don't want to go into (long before DP and I got together) and that's completely separate. Of course I don't know the full details of their relationship (they were never married) my point was simply that quite often on mumsnet men get judged for having an affair and are deemed to have walked away from the children. It's never seen as a separate issue and the man can never walk out on their gf or wife without also walking out on the children. Yet for some reason when it's the mothers decision to end the relationship and it is them who cheats, that's okay and still the man becomes the arsehole.

Tbh I was just wondering if anyone had any other arrangement that works. It breaks DP's heart having to drop his son off at the end of the weekend and he hates not seeing him on a daily basis. I too hate only seeing him every other weekend but it's never about me, just DSS, DP and DSS's mum.

OP posts:

Coffeeinapapercup · 20/10/2014 23:14

Bigoleheffer - Well there's a load of fucking stupid assumptions....

I have had to comfort my dc when they have regularly seen their dad but he has in so many little ways made it clear he couldn't care less.

I have also had to comfort my dc when their dad completely pulled out of Christmas full stop. Going from I'll fight through the courts for as much time as I can despite the kids wanting to stay home (and the time being offered anyway) to here's an orange for Christmas to nah don't think I'll have them this year. Yeah try that for a roller coaster of rejection

And they still love him in their own ways

So no time can be a red herring

Time is way less important than not being a crap parent.

Original poster

Tamzin125 · 20/10/2014 23:19

Wow coffee your ex sounds like a right dick! I'm sorry he's put you and your DC's through that, you all deserve so much more!

OP posts:

maddening · 20/10/2014 23:27

could he go for court ordered Skype/facetime contact midweek?

Solasum · 20/10/2014 23:31

Could your DP maybe suggest to ex that he be allowed to FaceTime/Skype his son every couple of days, and read him a bedtime story or similar? He could provide a suitable child friendly tablet for the purpose
Also, everyone likes getting post. Would writing a postcard in the weeks your DSS and P don't see each other be an option?

ADishBestEatenCold · 20/10/2014 23:46

Could your DP leave work early one day per fortnight, during the non-contact week, Tamzin125, perhaps making up those hours at a time to suit his employer?

He could then drive over, take his son out to do an after-school activity (swimming, for example) and then for tea, and still take the boy home before bedtime.

Maybe not as good as an overnight from your DP's point of view, but a lovely treat from a five year old's perspective, and it would mean there was never much more than a week between contacts.

WestEast · 21/10/2014 00:09

We have DSD EOW, my DP takers her for tea on a Tuesday evening, just for a jacket potato in a shopping centre (a bit shit, yes, but we live a 45 min drive away and it's not fair on her to have to wait that long to have tea or spend that amount of time in the car), so shopping centre food court near her house. The Thursday/Friday before the weekend were we don't have access he takes her for tea again, so that there's. It a long period between spending time together. It's also good that it's just 1-1 time for them. They've also started FaceTiming, my DP calls his ExW and she gives DSD a hand to have a chat with her dad.
This us what works for us, it works at the minute, it might not always work, it's trial and error, we adapt.

Coffeeinapapercup · 21/10/2014 00:16

Yes he is, tbh not the half of it . anymore info and I think I would be instantly recognisable

Easy for me to say i know but I really don't see the big deal in EoW.

You don't have the daily grind, you can have a hell of a lot of fun together and there is time to miss each other in between and look forward to going

Mine hated with a passion the "afternoon tea" option when they did it. They like the regularity of EoW
Every other week the same thing happens for the same number of nights. with afternoon tea it's different "sometimes we stay sometimes we don't" which really didn't go down so well

I think skype can be very effective at keeping in touch with people long distance, we've done it with relatives. But it only works as long as whoever is on the other end of skype can accept that however much a child wants to talk to you often shorter is better and after a while they might just suddenly get up, walk off and do their own thing.

Ultimately I think what most kids want most is for their parent to show am interest in what they're doing both school and hobbies (save leave for school plays etc). If you're doing that you're doing fine

itsbetterthanabox · 21/10/2014 16:52

I think I'd have been very sad if my dad only wanted to have me eow. My dad wasn't great and was quite selfish but I did see him every week.
An hour and half away isn't that far. Many people commute that distance to work every single day!

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