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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want my parents for Christmas dinner

67 replies

Dixiechicken · 20/10/2014 15:49

Every year for the last 10 years they have come to ours as we have the bigger house and the argument being what is 2 more when we gave to buy the turkey and trimmings.

They don't provide any drinks, help me with the costs or do anything apart from helping with washing up. They don't drive so expect to be picked up and drooped off and they like to eat by half one.

This year we don't want them, I want to drink with my meal if I want without worrying about driving home. I want to eat when I want and stay in my pjs if I choose.

My dm was being passive aggressive about not being wanted, i suggested the local pub for their reasonably priced Christmas dinner. She didn't seem keen.

I love them and I'm happy to cook Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, even New Year's Day.

So Aibu?

OP posts:

Callani · 20/10/2014 16:11

It may be horrible to feel unwanted on Christmas, but it's also horrid having to put up with unwanted people just so that you don't feel like the bad guy.

OP's parents are expecting her to cook, provide all the food and drink, arrange Christmas dinner at their preferred time even though OP has a different preferred time, act as a taxi service because they don't want to pay for a taxi, not drink so OP can act as a taxi. Basically they're saying "sod your preferences for Christmas, ours take priority"

OP - stick to your guns on this one.

becominglessofalurker · 20/10/2014 16:12

YANBU
I do agree with some of the pps that suggest some kind of compromise, eg say you will pick them up but they will have to get a taxi home, if they won't bring anything ask for some money to buy the extra food they will eat nd tell them since you are doing all the work you will decide what time ur gonna eat

starfishmummy · 20/10/2014 16:13

YANBU to not invite them at all, but if you have to just say something like "we will be eating at xx time, please bring xxxx and you will need to get a taxi".

we have our meal in the evening and never have turkey...which means the pils don't ever come here!!

YouTheCat · 20/10/2014 16:16

What about the OP's pil? Where do they go for Christmas?

Original poster

Dixiechicken · 20/10/2014 16:19

I should say my parents are not elderly, my mum hasnt even hit retirement yet so im sure they will be more christmas. If they wanted to see the dc I would be happy to take them in the morning. Ill have to forgo the pjs though.

I find that I cant relax whole hosting as well as keeping the children amused. Dh cooks so usually snoozes on the sofa for a bit. I just get exhausted.

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 20/10/2014 16:29

Tbh if it was me then I would remember the times that my dad had waited outside various dodgy clubs at 2am for me and my inebriated mates when I was a teenager and suck it up for one day a year.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2014 16:35

I would invite them, but tell them that dinner would be at the time you want - give them a snack at 1.30 if they're likely to pass out. I would pick them up but they'd have to pay for a taxi back. I wouldn't expect them to pay towards the meal (though I think it's mean in the extreme to turn up to Christmas dinner without a bottle of wine.) If they weren't happy with that, they'd be on their own.

mirpuppet · 20/10/2014 16:42

Pay for the taxi and say it is their Christmas present.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 16:45

Another one coming thick and fast now.

Please do what you want, compromise if you want too but say heads up this year we are taking a break and want to spend it alone.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 20/10/2014 16:46

I am sure I will want to spend xmas with my DC when older but if they said no, DH will go and treat oursleves to special meal somewhere. or go away

boodles · 20/10/2014 16:46

It sounds like the having to drive them is the issue and so I would tell them they can only come if they get their own transport.

financialwizard · 20/10/2014 16:53

YANBU. Do not have them over Christmas Day if you don't want them.

We have no one for Christmas Day because we don't often get to spend it together (husband forces).

2rebecca · 20/10/2014 17:05

I would tell them that you are doing xmas day your way this year and if they want to come then they get a taxi there and back and arrive at x time and dinner will be at the time you choose which is y time. if this doesn't suit them then they can go out locally for xmas day and see you boxing day. I wouldn't drive on xmas day and when I'm older wouldn't expect younger relatives to drive me around. They have each other so aren't on their own.

PingPongBat · 20/10/2014 17:07

YANBU.

You are hosting & paying for everything, so they should fit in with your plans, they are guests, not paying customers going to a restaurant.

Christmas always causes guilt trips re DPs and PILs, I've been there myself and have in previous years been rubbish at laying down the law as to what happens over the festive period, but as I'm getting older my tolerance levels have reduced and I'm much more likely to stick to my guns . It's especially hard when the relatives are elderly but it sounds like yours still have many years left in them OP, so try and break the routine before you're 10 years on and doing the same thing.

Vitalstatistix · 20/10/2014 17:12

Tell them exactly why it's a problem.

If they sulk and strop about it, that's unfortunate but people carry on being selfish arses for as long as everyone around them enables it. You are doing the right thing to say enough is enough. Either they'll pout or they'll change, it'll be up to them.

cherrybombxo · 20/10/2014 17:13

You've given them TEN YEARS of Christmases, no-one can call you mean or say that you haven't tried with them!

We're always lumbered with my granny (rude, ignorant old witch) and my dad has to stay off the booze all day to ferry her around but one year my parents decided to jet us off to the Canaries for Christmas and New Year, and she was fine. She went to her sister and BIL's house and had a great time.

Your DPs will be fine. Explain it to them calmly and then don't let them guilt you or wear you down. And enjoy your Christmas in your PJs

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2014 17:15

Quite Guitargirl, although it would appear we are alone in that thought.

Although, admittedly, I am not the best person to comment on this sort of situation as both of my parents died in their 60's (before retirement) and never even met some of their grandchildren. So I accept I am biased.

ssd · 20/10/2014 17:17

its funny isnt it, my parents are dead and I'd give anything to be able to have them for Xmas, whilst you have yours and don't want them! such is life.

I'd say suit yourself op, if you want a quiet Xmas tell them you are going to friends and draw the curtains early

pippinleaf · 20/10/2014 17:20

Either they stay at home or they bring whatever you ask them to - nibbles, drink, pudding, crackers - whatever. I kind of agree with them that if you are doing it all for a few people you may as well add two more but if this is you punishing them for being lazy in previous years or a genuine desire just to be the two of you - then fair enough,

BackforGood · 20/10/2014 17:20

I think you've created a bit of a problem in having had them for the last 10 years and just put up with it. We wisely made sure there was turn taking going on from the outset in our family

However, not tackling it now, isn't going to make it any easier in future, so I think you have to grasp the bull by the horns and say that you want things to be a bit different this year, and follow up with what suits you - either they spend this year with your sibling, or, you go there, or they come to you but get a taxi home, etc., depending on what you'd like.

Of course, the best time to do this is having had them this year, in that 'after lunch' phase, to say that this is going to be the last one of these, and you are doing it differently next year - but that depends how much you value not upsetting them as to if you do it now, or if you give them a year's notice for 2015.

Fluffyears · 20/10/2014 17:29

Dp is an only child and his mum is widowed now so she likes to stay over. I feel mean but I'd like her to go home on Christmas night because the industries we work in mean we only get Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year's Day off. I'd like to sit in my Jammie's on Boxing Day eating my weight in sweets watching films. The other problem is she is a but lonely do actually trying to get her to go home is like trying to prise a limpet off a rock. She doesn't drive so expects pick up and drop off and doesn't offer anything. (she lives 40 minutes drive away so taxi is out of the question) . I know she is lonely and feel awful but just want 1day to ourselves.

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 18:13

Thing is, your parents have other DCs, why has it become tradition that they only see one of their DCs at christmas? Is it, perhaps, that because they aren't the best of guests?!?!

Stick to your guns. Perhaps one of your other siblings will invite them to join them this year.

We alternate between my parents and PILs, I wish we had a 3rd year in when we get to do our own thing.

MaryWestmacott · 20/10/2014 18:14

oh and they aren't on their own, they have each other. Before having DCs, I'd have loved a christmas day just DH and I, but we were always guilted to go to one or the other. Now I think it's going to be a situation like this, when the DCs are grown up and want to do their own thing, before DH and I will get a 'Christmas day in our jammies' year.

Kundry · 20/10/2014 18:24

YANBU. I am an only child and got married the year my DF died. Obviously I invited my DM for Christmas so she wouldn't be on her own. She was having none of it as she insisted that 'we two lovebirds' would want to be on our own for our first Christmas. And that was that.

Every year since I try to invite her and get turned down. We go and visit usually on Boxing Day instead. My DH really likes her and I'm very close to her so we'd actually enjoy it if she was with us. But no, we aren't allowed because she is a lovely person who wants us to see her because we enjoy it, not because 'it's Christmas'.

So YANBU, even if you were an only child and you were all the family your parents had in the whole world. They are still selfish.

If you can't get rid of them, change the time of dinner this year and see how they like it. Or announce the family's conversion to vegetarianism

quietbatperson · 20/10/2014 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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