to be dreading seeing a gp AGAIN for depression? Was only in hospital last year.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I feel like the world's shittest mum atm. Struggled with this since I was 13, now almost 24. Lots of teen bullying & self harm is where it started.

Split with ex 3 months ago (of 2yrs, who went rogue and needed police involvement), then moved house (nicer house but stressful to move etc), DS has played up lots from all the change, I've had a bad cold and ex has been spreading crap about how I treated him etc (he was actually emotionally manipulative and a child but hey). DS isn't his, thank god.

Been up and down since but know it's gotten worse as for the last week or so I wake up throughout the night, eat crap, snap at DS (which I hate and beat myself up over), have occasionally had suicidal thoughts (only ever get them when a relapse is really setting in) and just feel hopeless.

Thing is, I last took Mirtazipine which helped with the sleep but made me fat, which made me feel worse. But I think I need something. Dreading going back as I feel like a failure as I'm a young mum anyway etc...

Ex also said because I had to be (voluntarily) admitted for suicidal urges etc last year I'm basically a terrible mum etc. I know logically it's not true and I did everything I could to seek help during that time but I just wish it wasn't like this.

Duh, the AIBU bit was meant to be am I the only one?

What a cunt he is to use this against you, knowing you need help and seeking it makes you a good mum. Knowing he is a cunt and getting rid also makes you a good mum x

Oh I knew he was a shit by the end of that relationship. He then went all strange and stalkery so to say 'oh she's the mad one' was mighty rich.

But still, I was just so hurt he did it. He also faked being suicidal to get my attention (failed as I called 111 and they sent someone out, as I guessed it was likely fuckery). But to do those things and know my history etc was just vile. And I know logically I'm lucky it was just 2yrs and we never lived together or had kids but it's still dragged me down a little. He really did a number on my self esteem (what was there to start with anyway).

I don't think anyone enjoys going to see their GP about depression, but they are there to help you. I put it off for over 18 months and felt daft as once I actually went I got effective help. So I guess you're not being unreasonable, just normal. But please go and see your GP, as for being a young mum, I admire anyone like you ( I am an old mum!) as I was so immature at your age and cannot imagine having looked after a child struggled to look after myself coping with MH probs and being a mum is to be admired. You are stronger than you feel you are.

Mirtizapine is well known for piling on the pounds, but as you said is good for sleep.

There are other options, either SSRI class drugs (Prozac, Cipramil) or the stronger drug venlafaxine.

Omega 3, 2g a day is an add on proven to work, but you would need to buy that OTC.

Going forward you need to try self help techniques such as DBT and mindfulness to prevent a future relapse.

Exercise and healthy eating also helps

Thank you. It just feels crap to have needed 'time off' as a mum to deal with it last year. Ex, his sister and his brother all sent me abuse over it when we split, saying ex should've dumped me then etc etc. He was actually a major cause of my relapse last year Always told me off during panic attacks etc.

I will go, I'm just dreading it. I hate telling them that, even as a mum who loves her son, I get low enough to consider just ending it etc.

Citalopram made my anxiety worse and sertaline made me retch a lot after yawning all the time plus made me more suicidal. So i'm very wary of trying new drugs but need to. Thanks.

Luckily I'm not too anxious, yet anyway. Too numb to be atm to be honest. Was taking beta blockers last year for panick attacks and general panicky days.

I am a doctor- please go to your GP and get the help you need. You are not a bad mum because you have depression and getting treatment makes you a responsible parent.

If mirtazapine didn't work for you, there will be other anti-depressants you can try which might not have the same side-effects. I would caution though, that sometimes it is the eating junk due to low mood that causes the weight gain, not the medication. I'm not trying to be patronising, but lots of patients who have depression say the medication makes them put on weight, but then keep gaining weight not matter medication they are on- quite often this is not down to medications, but caused by comfort eating/eating things easy to make such as ready meals.

Remember, the earlier you tackle this, the better. And the sooner you can begin to be well again.

sorry posted too soon. But yes, mirtazapine can have that effect- have you tried duloxetine or venlafaxine? Agree, perhaps talking therapies may also be helpful- sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Oh no, it was bad with M. I put on a stone in a month but was only eating hospital food and no crap. And felt starving all the time.

And thanks. I have some days where I make myself eat barely anything (out of feeling guilty over binges) then it switches back etc. Been on top of the eating this week as I know it makes me worse if I eat too much sugary crap but it does swing all over the place.

CBT helped me stop self harming after about 5yrs of it, so I have a lot of faith in it. Long waiting list though, but will ask for it again.

Have heard good things about Venlafaxine. May ask about it, if they don't mind me making my own suggestions etc.

Honey I so get where you're coming from, I've suffered with depression from being around 13 too, I struggled and fought it until I was 23; yoga, healthy eating, herbal supplements etc. In the end I opted for citalopram, 40mg and have been on them ever since, I'm 32. I wouldn't say I'm the picture of happiness but it keeps me on a level, and I have very few and far between 'dark spells'. IMHO I honestly believe it's how I was made, I think I have an imbalance chemically, ( linked to seratonin) and the pills just re-balance it for me, enabling me to function. It is the only think that has worked. Citalopram is an SSRI there are others in this category too and I don't experience any side effects. In terms of feeling anxious about seeing GP - I know it's awful, but remember, going to the app means that you're taking a pro-active step to taking control of your health. Some people take anti-depressants to get them through a 'dark spell' but I honestly feel that my quality of life on them vs off them, is vastly improved. Hope this helps, hang in there Hun, they should start working in a fortnight. Lots of love xxxx

Imagine if it was a physical illness like tonsilitis, can you imagine saying 'Oh, I can't go to the gp for tonsilitis because I had it last year'? Of course not!
Depression is an illness, it is an illness that can be treated and that will get worse if you ignore it.
You are being a sensible and responsible parent by looking after yourself and addressing an illness that is not your fault and that you have no control over.
FWIW I took 5 different anti depressants before ending up on venlafaxine, which changed my life.

Thank you. Yeah, I know I have the potential tp get much worse so want to get on top of it asap as meds take a while to kick in, just in case.

I know it's an illness but I've had so many 'well meaning' comments that piss me off and make me feel worse. usually revolving around staying strong etc, oh you wouldn't do it because you have DS etc. I can guarantee that almost anyone, who felt as low/in pain as someone with severe depression/anxiety does would consider killing themselves. Just out of pure desperation. It's not a reflection of your strength, it's a reflection of how ill you are and how bad you feel.

I'm not there atm though thankfully, could be worse, or so I keep reminding myself.

And DS has made me grow up a lot and take better care of myself etc.

it helps to hear of people who've found the right meds etc. I know there are loads left to try.

Seeing a friend in a bit (who I can talk to about this kind of stuff). Should help.

good. Please, please, please get help. You are ill!

no shame in it, and it sounds like the excess weight you had is your ex, and you've shed that.

wishing you all the best.

No, no, no, OP, taking responsibility for your own health is what makes you a good parent, not a failure! Please see your GP and get treatment asap!

It still feels liKE MH isn't something you can talk about without risking 'weirding' people out or scaring them. I don't think people always realize that MH can be a fatal illness. I wish people talked about it more and then maybe less people would feel pushed towards drastic action. I didn't talk to anyone for years as a teen as I was terrified of what would happen and what help i'd get.

I'll book an emergency appnt tomorrow morn. None left today. Thank you.

Babysitting for family for a few hours today and dreading it

Two girls, who are very demanding spoilt. Going to grit my teeth and bare it!

Was easier than expected. Only had to look after one of the girls.

Will book an appnt tomorrow morning, if I can get in there on the calls between 8:00 and 8:30! Otherwise that's it for the day...rubbish system.

Hope this afternoon was ok Orchard?

Glad you are getting an appointment tomorrow. I've. Only been on my current meds for about 6 weeks and it's made a huge difference. It made me realise it is just like other illnesses, and treatments are out there. Just the specific one and the right dose can take a while to get right.

Glad you're going to the doctor. I don't have much time right now, but just wanted to say that were you offered any help with the mirtazapine? My psychiatrist considered it for me & said that it's very well-known to cause you to put on weight, but some people are prescribed topiramate alongside mirtazapine to try to stop them gaining weight. I never tried it in the end, I moved to a mix of amitriptyline and clomipramine (I've tried most SSRIs as well an venlafaxine & none helped. And the venlafaxine unfortunately was hell to come off of.) Maybe worth asking about, especially if mirtazapine has helped you in the past? Good luck.

Ah ok Zebra, may try asking about that then, thank you

Still feel crap but glad I didn't do what I wanted to do stay in alone all day and saw a friend and some family. More effort but I learnt before that if you feel like not doing something because you're low it's what you probably really need to be doing (like going out, cleaning up etc).

It's a nightmare trying to find what works. Mirtazpine literally saved my life but I came off very quickly after as I hated the weight gain. I'll discuss it all with the doc though and see what they say. Tricky one. Nearly DS's bedtime...thank god Looong day.