to be dreading seeing a gp AGAIN for depression? Was only in hospital last year.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I feel like the world's shittest mum atm. Struggled with this since I was 13, now almost 24. Lots of teen bullying & self harm is where it started.

Split with ex 3 months ago (of 2yrs, who went rogue and needed police involvement), then moved house (nicer house but stressful to move etc), DS has played up lots from all the change, I've had a bad cold and ex has been spreading crap about how I treated him etc (he was actually emotionally manipulative and a child but hey). DS isn't his, thank god.

Been up and down since but know it's gotten worse as for the last week or so I wake up throughout the night, eat crap, snap at DS (which I hate and beat myself up over), have occasionally had suicidal thoughts (only ever get them when a relapse is really setting in) and just feel hopeless.

Thing is, I last took Mirtazipine which helped with the sleep but made me fat, which made me feel worse. But I think I need something. Dreading going back as I feel like a failure as I'm a young mum anyway etc...

It sounds awful. I'm not depressed now (but have been Prozac etc) I've also had therapy and non medication.

All I can say is it takes time. It doesn't help if you pile on weight if you don't want that as then there's another thing to fret over.

I think you should see your GP and maybe try counselling. Co counselling (where you're in a group) can help or some charities/counsellors offer much reduced rates (I had this).

Good luck

OP you also don't seem as bad as you sounded (not in a critical way just you know that going out seeing friends and family helps).

That's great to hear you can help, albeit a small bit, with support.

I had CBT last year but think I'd rather a group thing if I can make it with childcare etc. I feel very isolated with it when I'm very low so it helps not to feel alone in it if that makes sense?

Thank you

I think therapy usually helps me a little more than medication long term, but then I need the meds to get back on the even keel and to help with the sleep. (I wake abou 3 times a night, as well as DS waking, then after 3 I just stay awake as it feels worse to just lie there awake with my eyes shut for 3 hrs...usually get up and read).

Thanks.

I just know from being ill before that the quickest way to being a suicidal wreck is give up early. It's a lot of effort to see people but worth it to slow it all down and keep my head above the water. Plus my family know about the MH stuff so I can talk to them (though I tend to play it down for them as they do seem a bit freaked out sometimes).

(This is the 5th bigger dip I've had sine I was 13, with lots of little ones inbetween that I've gotten out of myself. I just know I can't do it myself with this one. I tried/am trying but sometimes it just happens and you can't stop it no matter what you do. You can help yourself though)!

^ I get really wound up by some GPs because they'll say 'oh well you have so much insight, it'll help you etc' and maybe to an extent but most of the time it feels like just owning the instruction manual for the trap you're already stuck in. Helpful to an extent but still useless if you're already there. What I need is to notice the trap before I've stepped into it

Oh for the love of

A friend, who is actually more of a user that's realized my boundaries aren't great, has asked if I can watch her daughter overnight and for one morning. I did it once thinking we'd do a switch thing but she didn't even say thanks let alone offer to return the favour...and has asked 3 times since if I'll do it again (I've made excuses). Texted back to say I feel too low to do so atm and am snappy with DS as it is etc (she knows what happened last year) and then suddenly radio silence.

She seriously only gives a shit if she needs something...but would deny it to the end of the earth

The eves are just the woooorst time. I'm alone almost every eve (single mum) unless DS's dad has him. So lots of time for thoughts to go around and around.

And I haven't self harmed in years but the urge to gets so bad when I'm really angry/feel really stuck. I was already struggling and my friend has really wound me up. I've given more than I should've to her effort wise (my fault I know, won't again) and she can never be bothered to be there for me if I need it. Seeing another good friend tomorrow breifly, the same one I saw earlier as I asked her if I could meet her for essentially a pep talk so I don't wuss out of seeing the GP.

Some people are just selfish shits, to put it nicely. That friend, my ex etc. I get so passive with others when Im low and it's like they can bloody smell it. Eu D'Doormat

Speak to us - message me here if you like. To be honest my support network, me, doing things I liked (an afternoon by myself, local history volunteer project, baking cakes, soup etc) were all things that have dragged me out of depression (on and off not as bad as yours) in the past 2 years or so.

This coincided with me being bullied at work and also a bad relationship.

I'm sorry but don't feel guilty about saying no to people, like your friend.

I was a doormat for years with one certain friend it was drama central, I helped her out so much forgave her at least twice for 2 fall outs and then the one time there was a big drama (ok it was serious) could she forgive me no she couldn't. I do miss her a bit now but if she couldn't forgive me once then no thanks.

Mirtazipine made me so HUNGRY. I refused to take it after three days of constant eating. Citalopram made me vomit up anything I ate. What worked for me was Trazodone. It's very similar in the way it works to Mirtazipine but has a slight appetite suppressing effect, so I lost a little weight at first... Obviously it does have other side effects, such as sleepiness difficulty concentrating etc. one of my friends refused to take it as it made her feel like a zombie. But it really helped me, especially when I'm on a low dosage...

So sorry you feel so rough, OP. It is very hard to keep going back and asking for help again, but it is worth it in the end.

Thank you Rose. It does feel crap going back but trying to remember success is dealing with recurrance early and properly rather than bottling which is what I naturally prefer to do by far. Every anti-d I've ever taken has made me feel a bit sluggish, but it's almost pleasant compared to how I was feeling before I took them (aggitated, irritable, racing thoughts, twitchy/achey etc).

But I don't want to be that hungry again, even if I am sleeping well. Zopiclone helped when I was in hospital (took with Mirtaz, both at night, then slept like a log which was blissfull).

Super sorry to hear that. And thank you. MN was so helpful when I got very ill very quickly last year, and my family weren't so much...They're very stiff upper lip and 'pull your socks up' which at it's worst made me feel far more desperate because it made me feel like it was my doing and I was doomed for if I couldn't just postive think my way out of it

I need to ditch this friend really. Had a friend like her in my teens and it was better to be one friend less than have one shitty, unbothered one. Makes you feel worse in the long run!

I actually felt best when I was on the highest dosage of Mirtazipine, once I'd adjusted to it. The lower the dose the sleepier I was in the day.

Was quite a shock to sleep so well though. Needed it to get better. Just such a shame about the weight issue or it'd be perfect.

Depression and anxiety is the worse thing I have ever experienced.

You don't sound like a crap mum, you know your triggers and taking steps to get yourself well again.

Parent do go to hospital for other medical reasons. What is the difference in going to hospital because you have broken your leg and need surgery to going into hospital for MH problems.

I hope you get well soon

Even though IABU is good for the traffic and getting a faster response, if you want to ( and I'm not being a thread police) there is a MH forum in which you could share your feeling with others that are going through the same.

Thanks. I just posted here for the traffic but am on the village thread. Don't want to clog it up with my stuff though. Might ask for the thread to get moved though. Don't wanna be a PITA though.

I've had to have a laparoscopy this year too and would rather have a few of those a year for the rest of my life than deal with reccurances etc. Tbh I do feel that MH services are further behind and much more poorly funded and understood than physical ones.

When I was in hospital during the 2nd week a head psych guy who was in control of admissions etc was really cross with me for still being there. He said I wouldn't kill myself and I should look for jobs online whilst there (I'm a single mum, to a small child, I have no family help in the week, he's not at school yet, I'm too ill to function outside of here and I would have killed myself if I hadn't been able to adjust to meds in a calm environment). Couldn't believe he was even working in MH.

Had some bad news

My uncle, who is Bipolar and has dissapeared twice only to be found near the dorset cliffs has lost his job. My aunt controls finances as he has a gambling addiction so he stole from work! He's also going to get a criminal record for it. Angry at him but also worried, like everyone else in the family, that this will be the things that makes him finally kill himself. He's been joking about how if he killed himself then my aunt would get her house paid for/not have to deal with his 'problems' etc and how us as a family won't have to worry about him anymore etc etc he's let us down etc.

He's in contact with the CMHT/crisis team so it's just a case of seeing what happens in court and seeing if he vanishes before then...

So stressed out. Have been thinking about self harm all day and just tired.

Now feel too guilty to tell DM what's going on as she's worried about her DB

Didn't really sleep. Feel so rough.

iamsoannoyed,

An excellent post, however I disagree about the weight gain. Most SSRIs are not associated with weight gain, but mirtazapine is. In fact it is recommended that psychs prescribe it in cases of depression which are causing weight loss due to lack of appetite. I took it for a couple of weeks and stopped it due to the incredible appetite I developed.