To be annoyed with my mum?

[Billynomates71]

My dad passed away 16 years ago. Parents were divorced until he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, hastily remarried

Can see where you coming from but sound of it was both your dad and mums decision to remarry re the house, money etc. Therefore any monies is your mums not yours to do with as she pleases....

YANBU, I can't imagine how hard that is. I am not sure what to suggest but wanted you to know that you are not wrong to be very sad.

Can i just qualify that i have no issue with anyone who made a tremendous profit on property , as my own parents did , their house went from being valued at £135,000 to £350,000 18 months later , which meant that they could sell up , pay off the mortgage and buy their little house outright . Was this because they are clever , absolutely not , they were simply lucky to benefit from a buoyant property market , as was the OP's brother and mother .

I am sorry for your hurt, and appreciate how you feel. But I think YABU and agree with wheretoyougonow

Pfff that sucks but unfortunately its not yours unless your father made a will and asked for things to be split in a certain way.

I guess that your mother thinks your DB can't work and is securing his future for him. No idea what they want an 8 bed house for.

Yanbu, although I can see why she is taking care of her only child who can't work. Perhaps she thinks you are sorted for money.

I would make a few observations on this. My DH parents wrote him out of their will over a disagreement, but I think at least one of his sisters would 'see him good' when it comes to it. Most of us do not inherit anything until both our parents have passed away so presumably you might still get something in the end. Your mother would be foolish to tie all her cash into a house if she still has to support herself.
My parents have left everything to their grandchildren.This seems sensible to me but actually means that my brother with 2 kids will in effect get half what my 2 brothers with 4 kids get.Still seems fair to me. My parents gave us all some money to help put down a deposit on a first home.My older brother got twice what I got because house prices peaked when he bought and had dropped by the time I bought. He later sold with negative equity and I sold at a profit so it equalled out.
My younger brothers wife left him a few years ago and they had 4 small kids that he had to provide a home for.My parents bought her half of the house to enable them to stay there. The other 3 of us could have said that was not fair but we wanted our neices and nephews to have stability and knew he was in a precarious financial situation. In fact my other 2 brothers are both high rate tax payers and probably did not give it a second thought.We have always lived on a fairly small income so sometimes I wonder about fairness.What I have come to realise is that it is not an exact science and I have also accepted that it is a parents right to do what they like.
Your mother presumably sees you settled,happy and fairly comfortable financially and worries that your brother,with his mental health issues, and still living with his mother,will probably outlive her,be unable to work and may need to just live off his inheritance. I have a couple of friends who have kids with learning difficulties who are already putting away large amounts of money to plan for the kids futures.I don't think they are putting away the same amount for their other children who they will expect to support themselves and then maybe inherit when they die.
Sorry this is so long winded but money and families is such a complex and emotive issue.
Have you ever chatted to her about it?

"But you didn't have the capital to invest in the first place. If you did then they would be unreasonable."

Neither did her brother, wheretoyougonow.

He raised a mortage as his 'investment' (a mortgage which presumably was much easier or even only possible because their mother was co-investing with him using a large chuck of capital from the sale of their late father's apartment).

This was an opportunity given to her brother by their mother, possible only because of their late father's estate.

It was not an opportunity extended to OP.

"I hope none of you do this to your kids, because it hurts. It's not about the money it's about favouritism."

I wonder if you should perhaps show this thread to your mother, OP.

It is, of course, now up to her what she does with the money and if she chooses that one of her children should have a huge financial benefit from your father's death, while the other does not, then so be it.

But she should know that she has hurt you and maybe showing her this thread would be a good way to start talking about how you both feel.

I have mentioned it to my mother. She is horrified that I feel this way but thinks I am wrong or my feelings are unjustified.

I cant seem to make either of them see the inequality of it all, and for the sake of my children I won't shut them out (she is their grandma) even though it would perhaps be easier for me if if did. I don't want to harp on at my dm about my 'share' of any possible inheritance, because you just don't do you? It's her money. But it does mean that I must accept that she has invested far more heavily in one child than the other. And that is upsetting.

I'm very sorry - I misread and thought your brother had the capital to put in. If he has invested nothing but been given this opportunity then YANBU. As you say I would never give one child a better opportunity than the other.

Or you could be really grateful like my friend is that her DB has lived with their mum for years and is now caring for her whilst she deteriorates with Alzheimer's absolving her of all responsibility.

I suspect, based on your description of your brothers abilities, that your DM is trying to see that he is stable financially when she is gone, something he can't do for himself, and doesnt have a partner to share with as you do. In the end, this will be good for you, as who will he turn to when she is gone? Whether or not he could have or should have attempted some sort of career is water under the bridge. After all these years, he likely could not.

The thing you possibly should be worried about is her will and her expectations after her death, if she believes he needs this sort of sheltering. Is her half of this property coming to you or divided between you, giving a 50:50 or a 25:75 split? Does she expect he will buy you out, or that owning 50 or 25% will be enough to justify you being involved in the investment enough to keep him from mucking up or being taken advantage of? If he is that much older than you, with no partner or children, and having been dependent on your mother all these years, he will be in a very vulnerable position when he is on his own at last. He will be easy prey for scammers and the like. Which could result in him being penniless and on your doorstep.

"This was an opportunity given to her brother by their mother,... "

OP wasnt included in the investment, but she was given a pretty decent sum to get herself out of credit card debt, £5000 is nothing to sneeze at, not to mention the interest and fees she was saved from paying out by paying off the account. DM and DB's property investment was not a sure thing, lots could have gone wrong in the last few years especially.

I wonder if OP is not as informed as she needs to be about DBs abilities and issues. I was recently surprised to realise what my second daughter didn't know about her sister's mental health issues. She was quite resentful of some things that happened when they were teens not realising her sister was not off on fun holidays, but receiving treatment. we didn't avoid discussion in front of her or try to keep things secret, but then again, I guess we didn't purposefully and straightforwardly discuss it with her either.

YANBU to feel upset and annoyed. There are a lot of people (it would seem) on MN who are able to keep their feelings completely serene even in the face of blatant favouritism and unfairness.

No, it isn't your money, it is your mum's. That doesn't mean you're unreasonable to think that as another child of your dad, he may have wanted the massive profits to be more equally distributed.

Mom - no £5k is nothing to be sneezed at.

But I'm pretty sure DB wasn't given £5 which he then leveraged against a mortgage which has paid off!

I thank you all for your thoughts and comments I really do. It helps to put some different perspectives on things, and as you can probably imagine it is not an easy subject to discuss in RL so being able to on MN is a relief.

I have considered that he may end up caring for her should she descend into elderly incapacity. She is already struggling with some things mentally and I think dementia or Alzheimer's may be around the corner. However I don't think that he is capable enough to look after them both for very long, certainly not should she become severely incapacitated. Which means that I will most likely end up caring for them both. Not a thought I relish if I am honest, but then who does look forward to that? I will because they are family and I love them, despite my current feelings.

Thanks again xxx

Oh you're not being U at all! It's not about the money, it's about you mum doing so much for your brother and not for you.

FYI the sale of the big 8 bed house should find quite a bit of care for them (move to a 3 bed bungalow somewhere) so you don't have feel like you have to step in until the money from that hoise is exhausted.