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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my mum?

69 replies

Billynomates71 · 19/10/2014 18:54

My dad passed away 16 years ago. Parents were divorced until he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, hastily remarried

OP posts:
Stitchosaurus · 19/10/2014 19:27

You are definitely not bu, I think people are just saying that unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it. It's horribly unfair of your mum and brother and you're a better woman than I to still be talking to them!

Favouritism is a major bugbear of mine, people need to realise the awful feelings it can cause - feel for you op

Roseformeplease · 19/10/2014 19:28

I would find it very, very difficult not to be jealous and upset and to feel somehow less worth. It sounds a lot like my single sister who my single (divorced) Dad gave far more to. In his eyes, they did loads together because he was on his own, so was she. They almost became "partners". (nothing icky about it but they did a lot together and he always consulted her about everything first. He did remarry, she married and divorced and he left her something special and the rest of us nothing (no value but he loved the item).

I am still upset and he has been dead 4 years. I completely understand and when you are talking £££ and are struggling yourself it must be very much harder. Had they not remarried, presumably the money / flat would have been shared between his children. Very sad and difficult.

Does your Mum see your brother as a sort of surrogate?

lisucbgiberiocnha · 19/10/2014 19:28

I would be upset with the favouritism too. Why did your mum help him and not you?

OneStepCloser · 19/10/2014 19:28

No, your not BU, I would feel very hurt in your shoes and I agree, I treat all of my children including SC the same,so I find it odd that she hasnt.

What you can do about it I dont know, but I should imagine it would be a bit of a wedge between us.

Thanks for you.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 19/10/2014 19:28

Billy, be honest with yourself. It is about the money, it absolutely is. Of course it is, and understandably so. We are talking serious money here.

It is strange that your father did not incorporate you in to his will, a grown woman with children. Instead choosing to remarry his ex wife. How was the relationship between your father and you?

ILovePud · 19/10/2014 19:29

I don't think you are being unreasonable, that sounds very unfair and I can understand why you feel hurt. Do you feel annoyed with your Dad too? I'm asking because in your situation I think I would and I'm wondering if some of that is being displaced onto your Mum.

Castlemilk · 19/10/2014 19:29

OP, YANBU.

I'm afraid my take on this would be simple and probably not popular with everyone - I'd simply tell her that I couldn't square the idea of her seeing herself as my mother, with every notion of care and love that the word was supposed to imply, and at the same time accept that she could give so much to my brother and watch me struggle. And I'd tell her to go enjoy her relationship with the child she obviously favoured, and cut her out of my life and that of my children.

Tainted by financial gain - really? It's not about finances per se - it's about horrid, corrosive, ugly favouritism. Treating two children so differently, in a way that makes the life of one much easier than that of the other. I can think of no way OP's 'mother' could so clearly, nigh on sadistically, demonstrate to OP that she was worth less than her brother.

No, I wouldn't 'look past that' - aka pretend I wasn't hurt and upset to the core at being shown I was less important. I'd think of my own children, and the message about love and family relationships that I wanted them to learn, and I'd tell her to fuck right off.

phantomnamechanger · 19/10/2014 19:29

It's not about the money it's about favouritism.

I can see that, and see why you are hurt and confused. I can't understand parents who behave like this.

Has your bro always been favoured? who's the eldest? Have you ANY idea where her attitude comes from???

Fabulous46 · 19/10/2014 19:30

Billy we have 4 children. All have different careers and there is huge differences in what some earn as to what the others earn. We have helped some out more than others. The higher earners don't have an issue with it and if they did they'd be told it was none of their bloody business anyway. It's our money and we spend it as we see fit, I wouldn't be questioned by anyone on financial decisions other then DH.

lisucbgiberiocnha · 19/10/2014 19:30

I would want to treat all my kids the same financially

NoArmaniNoPunani · 19/10/2014 19:31

YANBU. It's awful to treat two children differently like that. Your mum sounds a bit money grabbing anyway, marrying a terminally ill man just to inherit. If she hadn't done that then you and your brother would likely have inherited equally.

redexpat · 19/10/2014 19:31

YANBU to be upset. But I dont think there is much you can do other than talk about it with your mum.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 19/10/2014 19:31

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. Not sure if there's anything you can do to make yourself feel less resentful but as far as I am concerned it's totally natural.

Sorry I'm not much use.

Swingball · 19/10/2014 19:32

That must be really hurtful.

Castlemilk · 19/10/2014 19:32

I have seen behaviour like this from within my own family.

I think until you have experienced it, it would be easy to say 'it's about the money'.

Yes, I imagine OP is thinking that she would have an easier time in life if she were better off. But I'd bet my ass that that's not the source of the horrid feeling sitting in the pit of her stomach. OP, it sucks. There is no way around it because it is exactly what it seems. For whatever twisted reasons she has, she favours him above you. The only way to deal with it is to acknowledge that, and move on.

Pico2 · 19/10/2014 19:32

I don't think YABU, but there is a typical MN response to issues about unequal inheritance (which is effectively what this is). This standard MN response from some posters seems completely at odds with the typical responses on favouritism in other situations e.g. grandchildren being ignored in favour of other grandchildren. Apparently unfairness is fine, but only when it comes to serious amounts of money.

lisucbgiberiocnha · 19/10/2014 19:38

Thankgoodness youre not my parent fabulous. My parents have a little notebook and they record any thing spent on us adultkids - so if one has 500 for a wedding or another sibling 200 for van hire to help move house or 200 for myelf towards a house deposit - what ever is spent is recorded. It all evens out in the end. We have all needed help at different points in our lives but have low expectations.

Viviennemary · 19/10/2014 19:39

I can see why you are peeved that they have so much money and you are hard up. But your db and her invested together in a property and it has gone up massively. It might have been a disaster so your db took a risk. I don't really think there is much you can do about it. And you did get £5K from them if I understand your post correctly.

If you feel really hard done by you have the option not to bother with them at all in future. Not sure what I'd do in your position. Depends on how annoyed I was and how smug they were.

snowmummy · 19/10/2014 19:40

I can't understand anyone who says you're being unreasonable. Of course you aren't. Yes, its her money but you're being treated less favourably than your brother and that is simply not nice, regardless of whether you are now adults. In your position, I don't know what I'd do but I wouldn't be happy with my mother or brother, and I'd feel awful at being treated that way. You have my sympathies.

Momagain1 · 19/10/2014 19:40

YABU

It began as her money (minus an outright gift of £5,000 to you) , and his mortgage, invested well and now that asset sold and both his profit and her profit combined and being reinvested. He is benefitting from having your DM as a business partner but there are still two lots of money, not one. You got a lump sum, he got a business partner.

It would be nice if she found another lump sum for you after this sale, but she has no obligation to do so. I understand that in sharing housekeeping, he has benefitted in many small ways you have not, but investment wise, you haven't been cheated out of any share of her actual cash as it doesnt sound like he has been given even as much as you in actual cash.

prettywhiteguitar · 19/10/2014 19:43

My dad died 6 years ago, the day after my ds was born, it was a horrible time, made worse by my narc mother

My partner left when ds was 4months old and as I became a single parent on benefits my mum lived in the family home and spent £50,000 on a new extension, has a considerable income and goes on cruises and other holidays every year.

Did she help me ? No, and only when I started to pick myself up, work, get another partner years later did she offer, knowing full well I would refuse as I didn't need it.

They are selfish people better out of your life, it hurts because you let them in, my brother gets mad about my mum spending my dads money because she emotionally abused him all her life, but I can't get cross because I know that's what's she's like and I don't expect ANYTHING from the selfish cow.

I guess all I can say is I sympathise and empathise with your situation

Yoruba · 19/10/2014 19:44

Yanbu op. Flowers for you.

That must be incredibly hard to deal with. My one piece of advice is try not to let yourself be swallowed up by bitterness. Then they've deprived you of happy moments as well. For yourself, you need to think what it is that will allow yourself to move on happily, if that's less contact with them then I'd do that.

frumpet · 19/10/2014 19:57

So your brother took out a small mortgage 14 years ago , paid it for two years and then moved in with your mother , the rent then paid the mortgage and allowed him to live off the remainder of the money after the mortgage ? so for the last 12 years he has lived rent / mortgage free and you got £5,000 ? I think you may possibly be not being unreasonable , but i am sure some money grabbing arse who has benefited from the dramatic rise in house prices over the last 16 years , will be on to tell you , YABU and they knew all along it was going to happen Hmm

Original poster
Billynomates71 · 19/10/2014 20:01

It's really not about the money. I married well, and we don't struggle, although I do work very very hard to maintain an income stream that allows us to have a nice life.

It just feels like I am being slapped in the face every time they show me properties that I couldn't hope to buy.

My dad was lovely, and I was very much a dads girl. Db is a mums boy. He is older than me and I have always felt sidelined. I think my dad would be horrified to see what mum has done over the last 16 years.

Db had ADHD as a kid, now is bipolar. Doesn't work. I think he could ( based on knowing how the disorder affects him) but chooses not to. I don't have those difficulties, never did, was bright at school and got good exam grades. I went to state school, he had a private education. The inequity has been there since we were little but I guess I was protected by my dad.

I don't know - does he deserve more because he has bipolar, does that make it all completely different? Maybe.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 19/10/2014 20:09

YANBU but there is bugger all you can do. I so feel your pain.