To not know what to do in this impossible situation?

[fairyelephant9]

Been lurking on Mumsnet for a while, but after a few months of diabolical luck, I've decided to turn to the wise ladies of this forum for an impartial opinion on my current situation. This may be a little long, but I'll award a virtual cupcake to anyone that reaches the end :).

I married my husband last year after seven years together. We got together when I was very young, 18, and he is the only man I have ever kissed (or been with!). We moved in together after I inherited some money at age 21 and bought a property in an area near my work. A week before we completed in the house, we were involved in a major car accident which led to me losing my job three weeks after we bought the house, just before the end of my probationary period. This was essentially because I needed time off for physiotherapy, mental recuperation and to get a new car, and they didn't want to deal with it.

We had chosen that house to be near to that job, so after a few years there, we decided to put it on the market and move nearer the coast. I found a lovely job at the seaside and a buyer offered 10k above asking price. We found the house of our dreams, and 3 weeks later our buyer pulled out because they had been looking at other properties all along, hedging their bets.

We lost the dream house. Driving for 2-3 hours a day began to take it's toll on me. I started having panic attacks, bad IBS and difficulty getting by. My work have been very understanding, and agreed to let me do flexible hours, but I've also needed to have time off. I put in half an hour to an hour of extra time in every day, meaning I have little quality of life, and get home very late. My husband and I have snapped at each other constantly, and when we haven't been, we have just sat there living separate lives. Our first year of marriage has been so hard.

After another two months back on the market, we found another buyer. We found a house that needed cosmetic work doing to it, with a lovely big garden, and potential to improve and make money on, and we decided to go for it.

After months of dawdling from the lady we are buying from, our survey came back and said that the property needed 3k of electrical work doing to it and 9k of rendering. We got quotes in which is agreed with this. The lady selling the property is only willing to offer half the money. I said that I wanted to get another specialist round to look at the rendering. My husband has not been very supportive, he has left me to deal with everything to do with the house, down to speaking to builders and electricians. As he works in a similar trade, I had hoped he would do this and take some of the pressure off me.

In the past week, I have found out that my Mum needs to have another operation. She has emphysema and the whole thing worries me so much. I also managed to get food poisoning, and I've barely been able to eat a meal and had a terrible stomach all week. I worked on Saturday and by the time I got home I was so weak I couldn't stand up. This led to me taking two days off. My work gave me a letter saying that they were sympathetic, but if I am ill again between now and Christmas that they will have to get rid of me. My manager understands that I put in the time, but others are gunning for me. I don't get sick pay, so I am not sponging, I'm just in a terrible mess at the moment.

The estate agent called me yesterday saying that if we didn't agree to their offer of half the money needed for the repairs then they would take the property off the market and I needed to let them know by the end of the day. My Mum said I should go for it, my manager said that she was worried I would find the repairs needed very stressful, and my husband just turned into a child. He said things like 'tell them 9k or stick it' and 'call them up and tell them they lose'. Everyone was very pushy, and I really needed support from my husband at that point and he turned on me for giving the other side of the argument. He used to be lovely, but he snaps at me constantly now, and can often be really sarcastic, unsupportive and unpleasant. I don't know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt that it has just been a tough year. It is likely to get better when we are sorted, but I'm tired of my feelings coming last. He is insisting that we buy a property with a garage, to the extent of saying 'don't bother' if I've attempted to show him one without one, but all the equity is mine.

The lady buying our house is lovely, but is starting to get a bit antsy.

I managed to get them to let me think about it over the weekend. We can't really afford the repairs, we would need to do a bodge job that may lead to additional expenditure in the future. The building needs modernising. The kitchen is a relic, I can't fit in the bath and so much of it is dirty and unloved. But it has huge potential, it is on a lovely big plot, light rooms and lots of space. If we spend 20k, we could probably make 70k. We have 17k in total, including the money she has offered, but borrowing more could take weeks with mortgages being as they are. My husband is now adamant we shouldn't go for it.

I feel totally overwhelmed. I might lose my job. We might not have a home. I'm worried about Mum and my own health.

Once we are settled, we had hoped to start a family. We had every reason to believe that things would be okay when we moved. My husband undoubtedly loves me, and I used to consider him to be a wonderful man, but he has worn me down recently. I don't know what I want any more, and I feel middle aged at 25. I'd love to travel for a few months, but it feels as if there are so many things tying me down. I want to be ready when I have a child, it's not something I consider lightly. I'm nearly there, but there are still a few places I want to visit and I need stability.

We have made a large profit on our current house, so I have options, I just don't really know what to do.

Do I jack my job in, move back in with mum, and take some time to sort my health out, help her after her op, and do a bit of travelling? He could move back in with his mum for a while and I could put our stuff in storage. This will eat into our equity, but I am actually happy with somewhere a little bit smaller, having slept on someone else's floor for a few months as a child when my mum lost all our money! It will affect my ability to get a job and have maternity leave in the future. I love my current job, they are lovely people, but it is at risk and there is a nasty atmosphere at the moment due to office politics.

Do I ignore my husband and go for the house? It may cost more than we can afford, which could cause problems. It may also lead to me losing my job if the works are stressful. It could be months of chaos which effect my health. It could also make a wonderful family home and make us a profit one day.

Do we sell our house and move into rented accommodation nearer where we work? It gives us time to look for somewhere else, but it is throwing money down the drain and tying us down. I could still lose my job, but it probably lowers the chance. We will lose our fantastic mortgage rate if it takes longer than 6 months. It feels a bit like prolonging the agony.

Does anyone have any other ideas? I am lost and I don't know what to do :(.

Thank you for reading.

agree to ay your share of repairs, sell the house and move back in with your mum. Of course this would mean that your marriage would certainly over but it doesn't sound like you're that fussed about saving it anyway.

Forget about buying the new house or having kids for a whilst. What's the rush? Get yourself happier and healthier and reduce that stress. Don't add more!

In a purely practical sense, you should not buy the house which requires lots of work and extra money if you are at risk of losing your job. Also, renovations and building work would add more stress to your life. It would make more sense to sell your current house, find somewhere to rent in the seaside town, and see if the reduced commute improves your health and having more time/ being less tired improves your relationship. Where does your DH work and would his commute be affected?

The suggestion of you moving in with your mum and your DH with his mum sounds like a trial separation - could be good for you to have some time apart, or it could create even more distance between you.

Emotionally, I would say don't have a child with a man who can't support you through tough times. I'm 12 weeks pregnant and we moved house two weeks ago - DH has been nothing but supportive and loving when he's had to do just about everything, as I'm easily exhausted. Could you say your DH would be the same? He doesn't sound it at the moment!

You are young, and you settled down quite young without having time to do stuff like traveling - if you had children now, would you regret not having a few more carefree years?

Thanks so much for replying.

Sorry, I can appreciate that this is muddling. The repairs are needed on the property we want to buy.

I am bothered about saving our marriage, but after a tough year, I do wonder whether it would be helpful to rewind. We could 'date' again and remember what we love about each other. It's been hard and he is a good man.

I agree about the stress though :(.

My feeling is that you need to sell your house. Going back to your mum's for a while sounds sensible to catch your breath and think about things. When you're well a year off travelling would be great.
If you really don't want to get off the ladder, rent your place out.
You're 25. You have years to go before you need to be middle aged. :)

By my calculations, you are 25- is that correct?

"Do I jack my job in, move back in with mum, and take some time to sort my health out, help her after her op, and do a bit of travelling?"

Yes. You do this exactly.

Oh dear what a lot you have on your plate. I think you should take a step back. You're young and your life sounds harder than mine aged 41 with a toddler to look after.
No one can tell you what you should do. But...in your shoes I would sell my house, pull out of the purchase (the last thing you need is more stress) and consider either renting somewhere with DH near work, until the right house comes along. Or - ditch the DH and go travelling. I think what it comes down to is: do you think your marriage is worth saving?

Thanks EllieQ. I think you've raised a few really valid points there. I guess renting is the best way to see if we can get back to normal when we are not under quite so much pressure.

I think he wants to help, he just seems to act like he doesn't know how?! I know there are a lot of hopeless men on these boards. He is undoubtedly lazy, but he has got a lot better. We used to row about him not helping around the house and he is great now, so I do have hope that that side of things will get better.

We are absolutely not in the right place to have children now, but a year or two down the line, it is what we are hoping. When we were looking to move last year we would have originally had spare money to travel, but the property market has changed. We're actually in a good position, but his instance on having a garage means that we are looking at relatively large properties, and we are still both so young. I don't want the decisions we make now to jeopardise our future.

I love him very much. I'm don't think I'm considering leaving him deep down. Ever since the car accident we've had non-stop bad luck, and that was three years ago. I would like us to have the chance of some normality, and renting or buying somewhere would do that, if it's right. I need to sort my own health out too. I've no doubt that I have not been a ray of sunshine myself this year! I've been very stressed.

I would not be buying a house right now. Sell yours and rent or move in with your mum. Your job situation isn't stable enough to be buying a house to be near, your marriage isn't stable enough to be banking on either. You need to get stable and focus on you / your marriage right now. Buying a fixer-upper when you don't have the means, support, or mental capacity to sort out is going to push you over the edge. You are only 25 - stop for a while and figure out what you want.

You need to turn your head off for the day

Go for a walk
A drive
Watch a movie
Out for a fancy lunch
visit your Mum

You are so bundled up in it all you can't breath properly

Thank you BaffledSomeMore, Confusedandemployed, Tethersend and Lightningstrikes. It is such a relief to talk to people who aren't so heavily invested in the situation! I think you are all right. We need to take time out and recover from the past few months, either by moving back in with our parents or by renting and seeing what happens.

Sorry I have a 3 year old here vying for my attention, I'd love to write out a detailed proper reply. I was in a similar situation to you!! I inherited money and my relationship was going sour, I had the choice to buy a nice house with him or a little 2 bed duplex by myself (would have chosen to travel too if I didn't have DD), I also nursed my mam through ill health, moved in with her and it was the best decision I've ever made (in fairness she was dying of lung cancer so a little bit different)

Basically I think you should put everything on hold, it just doesn't seem right at this moment in time. The money will still be there, you're young and I think you should travel and figure things out.

At 25 I lived in a shared flat, was still studying and dcs were nowhere on the cards - you do realise you have grown up incredibly fast, it is ok to slow down a bit! I think keeping your job (or "a" job, but it is easier to get a new one while you're in work) should be a main focus, as a lot of things depend on this. Since you have a buyer for your home, don't mess that up, just sell. So what if you move home or rent for a while, then you'll be a chain-free buyer in the future. Your dh doesn't want the fixer-upper house.

Just read your update!! Very strange! The relationship I spoke about above, went sour and ended (DDs father) but we are now dating again and honestly it's been amazing. We really enjoy each other now and do things together, we look forward to seeing each other and as cringey as it sounds, are falling in love all over again.

Thanks for replying Fanfeckintastic (genuinely terrific username!). I know how demanding 3 year olds can be, my best friend lives two streets away from my current job and I spend a lot of time with her 3 year old. It's part of the reason that I know I don't want to wait too long to have children really, but I recognise that they complicate things and we need to be stable before we can even vaguely contemplate the idea.

I'm very close to my Mum, I am an only child of a single parent and I consult her on everything. She's never been terribly responsible, when we lost all our money I got embroiled in very adult stuff at a very young age, but she is wonderful and I am her world. She does everything for me and I can never thank her enough for it.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply, thank you so much. I needed to clear my head.

Thanks KnackeredMuchly, that had been my thinking too. I am at Mum's and unfortunately I think I have stressed her out terribly too, so we're both feeling a bit down this morning. Might take the dog out for a walk and get some fresh air. I'm very glad it is the weekend now!

Iggi999, I quite agree, I think I sometimes forget that! I am the same age as my SIL and she is living a life that is the total opposite to me. She goes out partying, has lots of holidays and still lives like a student really. I need to stop beating myself up that I don't have it all figured out yet. I suppose that is what your twenties are for!

Fanfeckintastic, it just goes to show that you can be in love, but sometimes life gets in the way, no matter how rosy things are! It doesn't mean that things aren't recoverable, it's just the way things roll sometimes. I think taking a bit of time out would also be good for us, so it's reassuring to know that has worked for you :).

""Do I jack my job in, move back in with mum, and take some time to sort my health out, help her after her op, and do a bit of travelling?"

I also think that this is precisely what you need to do. I feel so sorry for you having such an enormous amount of stress.

Another vote for - go back to your mums and take a break.

Poor you, it all sounds very stressful. My thinking is that you should continue with the sale of your house, but don't look to buy anything new at the moment; perhaps see if you could rent somewhere near your work. If you can focus on your job without the stress of a commute, having sold your house, it won't be money down the drain, it's maybe just something you have to do. If work is still too much, you can always decide to go travelling later - you still have plenty of time for that and it could be a great potential plan B.

The house sounds exciting, but it's not your "dream" house, and there will be others. I think you may ultimately feel relief if you let it go.

Does your mum live far away from the seaside town? It sounds like you and your husband need to spend more time together, not less, which you should be able to do if your commute were less hairy. But this might not be ideal if your mum lives far away. Try to organise a six-month break-clause in your lease so that you're not tied in for longer than that; then if it doesn't work out with your job, you have the potential to go travelling. I would suggest you need time to breathe: sell the house, focus on work and spending time with your husband AND mother by renting nearby. You don't want to lose anything you would regret by being too hasty. Travelling; a house; children... If you possibly can, these are things you should look forward to and enjoy, and in your case there doesn't seem to be any pressing need to do any one of them right now. Good luck!

If in doubt do nout.

Thanks Gruntfuttock and FunkyBoldRibena - it feels scary, but it's something I'm considering. I'm just worried about getting a job in the future, but maybe I need to focus on the now.

LuckyGin - Unfortunately Mum is quite far from my job, also about an hour. I see her two nights a week because I stay with her. We have been looking for council swap for her for years, but even though she lives in a lovely place in a rural village, we've not had any luck. People at the coast want to stay at the coast. I'd continue to spend two nights a week with her, but if I have more quality time with my husband I think it would be more bearable. I wouldn't want to commit to more than 6 months renting, I think that gives us just enough time to clear our heads and work out what we want to do. This isn't all the end of the world, although it feels like it now. As you say, there are things to look forward to and there is no need to rush. Thank you so much for replying. You are right, it's not my dream house.

I agree with everyone who has said sell yours, rent or move in with mum and give yourselves a break to have a new start.

I know you'll always think 'what if' about the house you were thinking about doing up, BUT, our survey came back and said that the property needed 3k of electrical work doing to it and 9k of rendering

Okay, that's only the start, what about if you discover the water supply is off a lead pipe, the alterations you want to do involve having to move drains or gas pipes or load bearing walls or the roof timbers aren't in good condition, you know, doing a place up properly is very expensive, it doesn't only involve the jobs which you know need to be done, it also involves costs for "invisible" work, things that are essential to be done but you can't see like levelling floors, re-siting a boiler because the old one's position no longer complies with current safety legislation/building regs.

In all honesty, if you're pretty sure an improvement will cost you £10K, make sure you have £30K available because some things that were never foreseen just come to the fore and your plans for the improvement have to be altered and financed to accommodate them. Working on having double the estimated expenditure isn't usually enough, particularly with old property.

I also agree that selling your house and moving in with your mum is a good idea, you can get your health and thus your job security back on track and help her out whilst you look for a house that's right. I am wondering though why you both moving in with your mum doesn't seem to be an option you've looked at?

Don't worry too much about renting.

Like you, I bought a house when I was relatively young. I sold my last house aged 38 and I've been renting for the last 2 years. I get what you are saying about throwing money away, but it is really quite marvellous to call a LL when the roof tiles blow off in the wind or when a plumber is required.

I moved 150 miles to start a new job and buying a house at the same time as selling seemed like too much of a headache. I rented a great house with a seaview and love it. I now consider myself to be a free agent; if I want to move to another property I can!

Life doesn't have to be a continuous move upwards. It's great to pause a bit and look at the flowers. I've never met anyone who regrets the time they spent travelling.

You sound very positive, considering it all; and you're right, it isn't the end of the world! I'm so sorry your mum is ill, but if you can continue to spend time with her, that's good - and it will definitely be easier if you've lightened the load re: house buying/selling and your commute, and the toll that has taken on your health and happiness. The great thing is that you've got financial stability, which is incredibly liberating. Once you've got time to stand back, I hope - I'm sure - you'll see you've got plenty of options.