To not know what to do in this impossible situation?

[fairyelephant9]

Been lurking on Mumsnet for a while, but after a few months of diabolical luck, I've decided to turn to the wise ladies of this forum for an impartial opinion on my current situation. This may be a little long, but I'll award a virtual cupcake to anyone that reaches the end :).

I married my husband last year after seven years together. We got together when I was very young, 18, and he is the only man I have ever kissed (or been with!). We moved in together after I inherited some money at age 21 and bought a property in an area near my work. A week before we completed in the house, we were involved in a major car accident which led to me losing my job three weeks after we bought the house, just before the end of my probationary period. This was essentially because I needed time off for physiotherapy, mental recuperation and to get a new car, and they didn't want to deal with it.

We had chosen that house to be near to that job, so after a few years there, we decided to put it on the market and move nearer the coast. I found a lovely job at the seaside and a buyer offered 10k above asking price. We found the house of our dreams, and 3 weeks later our buyer pulled out because they had been looking at other properties all along, hedging their bets.

We lost the dream house. Driving for 2-3 hours a day began to take it's toll on me. I started having panic attacks, bad IBS and difficulty getting by. My work have been very understanding, and agreed to let me do flexible hours, but I've also needed to have time off. I put in half an hour to an hour of extra time in every day, meaning I have little quality of life, and get home very late. My husband and I have snapped at each other constantly, and when we haven't been, we have just sat there living separate lives. Our first year of marriage has been so hard.

After another two months back on the market, we found another buyer. We found a house that needed cosmetic work doing to it, with a lovely big garden, and potential to improve and make money on, and we decided to go for it.

After months of dawdling from the lady we are buying from, our survey came back and said that the property needed 3k of electrical work doing to it and 9k of rendering. We got quotes in which is agreed with this. The lady selling the property is only willing to offer half the money. I said that I wanted to get another specialist round to look at the rendering. My husband has not been very supportive, he has left me to deal with everything to do with the house, down to speaking to builders and electricians. As he works in a similar trade, I had hoped he would do this and take some of the pressure off me.

In the past week, I have found out that my Mum needs to have another operation. She has emphysema and the whole thing worries me so much. I also managed to get food poisoning, and I've barely been able to eat a meal and had a terrible stomach all week. I worked on Saturday and by the time I got home I was so weak I couldn't stand up. This led to me taking two days off. My work gave me a letter saying that they were sympathetic, but if I am ill again between now and Christmas that they will have to get rid of me. My manager understands that I put in the time, but others are gunning for me. I don't get sick pay, so I am not sponging, I'm just in a terrible mess at the moment.

The estate agent called me yesterday saying that if we didn't agree to their offer of half the money needed for the repairs then they would take the property off the market and I needed to let them know by the end of the day. My Mum said I should go for it, my manager said that she was worried I would find the repairs needed very stressful, and my husband just turned into a child. He said things like 'tell them 9k or stick it' and 'call them up and tell them they lose'. Everyone was very pushy, and I really needed support from my husband at that point and he turned on me for giving the other side of the argument. He used to be lovely, but he snaps at me constantly now, and can often be really sarcastic, unsupportive and unpleasant. I don't know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt that it has just been a tough year. It is likely to get better when we are sorted, but I'm tired of my feelings coming last. He is insisting that we buy a property with a garage, to the extent of saying 'don't bother' if I've attempted to show him one without one, but all the equity is mine.

The lady buying our house is lovely, but is starting to get a bit antsy.

I managed to get them to let me think about it over the weekend. We can't really afford the repairs, we would need to do a bodge job that may lead to additional expenditure in the future. The building needs modernising. The kitchen is a relic, I can't fit in the bath and so much of it is dirty and unloved. But it has huge potential, it is on a lovely big plot, light rooms and lots of space. If we spend 20k, we could probably make 70k. We have 17k in total, including the money she has offered, but borrowing more could take weeks with mortgages being as they are. My husband is now adamant we shouldn't go for it.

I feel totally overwhelmed. I might lose my job. We might not have a home. I'm worried about Mum and my own health.

Once we are settled, we had hoped to start a family. We had every reason to believe that things would be okay when we moved. My husband undoubtedly loves me, and I used to consider him to be a wonderful man, but he has worn me down recently. I don't know what I want any more, and I feel middle aged at 25. I'd love to travel for a few months, but it feels as if there are so many things tying me down. I want to be ready when I have a child, it's not something I consider lightly. I'm nearly there, but there are still a few places I want to visit and I need stability.

We have made a large profit on our current house, so I have options, I just don't really know what to do.

Do I jack my job in, move back in with mum, and take some time to sort my health out, help her after her op, and do a bit of travelling? He could move back in with his mum for a while and I could put our stuff in storage. This will eat into our equity, but I am actually happy with somewhere a little bit smaller, having slept on someone else's floor for a few months as a child when my mum lost all our money! It will affect my ability to get a job and have maternity leave in the future. I love my current job, they are lovely people, but it is at risk and there is a nasty atmosphere at the moment due to office politics.

Do I ignore my husband and go for the house? It may cost more than we can afford, which could cause problems. It may also lead to me losing my job if the works are stressful. It could be months of chaos which effect my health. It could also make a wonderful family home and make us a profit one day.

Do we sell our house and move into rented accommodation nearer where we work? It gives us time to look for somewhere else, but it is throwing money down the drain and tying us down. I could still lose my job, but it probably lowers the chance. We will lose our fantastic mortgage rate if it takes longer than 6 months. It feels a bit like prolonging the agony.

Does anyone have any other ideas? I am lost and I don't know what to do :(.

Thank you for reading.

Being a chain free buyer is such a bonus when you are ready. The right one is out there.

Blanklook - I quite agree, hence why I am so worried really. I've actually allowed 3k savings for things to go wrong, but it all seems a bit too tight. I appreciate someone backing me up on that, thank you.

The BooMonster - Mum lives in a little 2 bed council maisonette. It is lovely and has a big garden, but with the 3 of us we would all be stumbling over each other. He once bumped into her when she was running to the loo in the middle of the night totally starkers! It is also quite far from where DH works. He wants to keep his job either way, which is why he doesn't want to go travelling. I totally understand this, he has just found a job that he loves with prospects. We could live with my MIL but she is a bit of a witch. She once told him to tell me to cry more quietly when we having a row, AND she asked him why we wanted to get married (4 years in and living together!).

Liarreggub - that is a lovely phrase, and I can definitely see the value and freedom in renting. I need to worry a bit less and just go with the flow for a while! Think it would do me good.

LuckyGin - I not so stressed that I can't see that we are in a very lucky position really. We just need to get our current house sold and keep our options open. Thank you for reminding me of that :).

LumionaMoonsplash - I quite agree. It will give us more flexibility in the future. Thanks for replying.

Hi

Sell your house. Move back to your mum or rent. Get your marriage stable. Reassess life, cash buyer is a fab position to be in

I bought a house. Then met DH. He sold his home and moved in. We got married. I fell pregnant, we put my house on the market intending to buy a bigger one together. We had a child, she was born healthy but suffered brain damage in labour.

Suddenly hospital trips and paramedics, physio, medicines etc took priority.

The house we were buying fell through. Our buyer was amazing but eventually delivered an ultimatum. We sold to her and moved to rental for 11 months. Bought our dream home.

Just had quite a sweet message from DH after hours of ignoring him waiting for an apology...

"I know you need space, I just hope you read this. I didn't want to go for xxxx road because although it is ideal for me (garage and whatnot), I no longer think a mortgage is a good idea, for a few reasons, but mainly because if you want to go travelling, then I think that is more important than me having a big garage. I am sorry for snapping at you, I didn't mean to come across as dismissive at all. I don't understand why I did it."

I think he has trouble expressing himself properly, I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt me. He's just opinionated and doesn't think before he speaks sometimes.

I hope he will follow through with what he has just said there.

Sorry to hear you're in a bit of a muddle.

Just another idea to throw into the mix.... What about renting out your house and renting somewhere together - or moving back to your mum's house? Yes, you'll lose your buyer now but you'll still have equity that will most probably continue to grow and all the freedom your looking for. You can then choose to sell up at a more appropriate juncture.

The house we bought needed work. We budgeted over 10k. To date we have spent almost 15k on electrics, windows, guttering, massive hole in the roof, new bathroom, new oven, three new carpets after we discovered damp.

The cosmetics will just have to wait!

EyesDoMoreThanSee - Things work out in the end, one way or another, don't they? I'm pleased to hear you are in your dream home now and hope your child is okay. I can't imagine the pain of going through something like that. Thanks for your reply.

I would agree with everyone that you should proceed with the sale but pull out of the purchase. You will still have the deposit money when you find a place and are ready- you are already on the ladder in that respect.even if you.hop off for a breather. It is getting the initial deposit that is so hard for people.

you are only 25, no need to worry about all this. I felt i had made it when i turned 30 because i was married, mortgaged and employed. When i was 25 i was none of those- i was backpacking around the world until my 26th birthday and it was two years after that that i got a proper career job. Unless you are really invested in what you are doing now do not worry about it. Whether you rent or move in with your mum or jack it in and go travelling is up to what you want and how you feel about your marriage( you could go together of course) but you shouldn't have all this stress yet!

btw we have a money pit of an old house and i echo what others have said about not underestimating the cost of work. There is always something else!

Popsandpip - it's been such a nightmare getting it to this stage, I'd be loath to take it off the market and potentially have to go through it all again in the future. I have no desire to live there any more, even though it is a lovely house, just because there is nothing for us then. It also went under offer not long after the huge property bubble earlier this year, so it is being sold for almost 80k more than we paid for it 3 years ago. We've only updated the decor, and it is admittedly much nicer than it was, but I would feel nervous about risking it.

EyesDoMoreThanSee - I hope it's worth it for the right house :). I'm not sure I'm emotionally attached enough to fight for ours.

fairy I'm going to respond one point at a time.

I would not buy the house that needs work, things are uncertain for you and this is stress you don't need.

Sell your current home so you can proceed when you need to.

Given your Mum's illness it would seem to be a good idea to stay with her for a while.

Look for other work, of course, this depends on what you do but could you temp for a while.

Don't have a baby yet. Your husband is being incredibly unsupportive, I realise it has been a difficult time for both of you but he seems to be leaving everything to you. Having a baby is the most stressful thing you can do. Step back, sort everything else first, travel, have fun and maybe then think about the baby.

I cannot tell you how much of a difference this had made to me. It has been a build up of months worth of stress and nobody really knew how to help me. People close to me are so heavily invested in this that they are biased one way or another. Thank you so much to each and every one of you for replying. We are definitely going to sell, it's just our next steps. I've had time to calm down now and forgiven DH. They all need putting in their place from time to time.

Thanks BedraggledMumofTwo, I probably need to worry a bit less about the future and just make sure I am well now. We wouldn't be able to come with much additional expense, so it is probably better to move on.

Four125 - I quite agree, thanks for your support. I think I need to heal and he needs to grow up a bit before we are ready. We will see where we are a couple of years down the line. I just want to try and make the most of every second before then.

You really are so very young that you could sell now, and still have years and years to find the house of your dreams. What you need to do is to sit down with your husband and decide how to proceed and whether that will be separately or together. But for now, take a break.

Glad this is helping.

i would also say if you want to go travelling, now is your chance! Dh and i keep realising we cant go anywhere exciting now until the kids are grown up, eg in our fifties! We did meet some older travellers but if you want to do the proper camping/ backpacking/trekking type things i would definitely say go while you are young. As you get older you want/need more comfort and the cost goes up accordingly. Also, if you do sell without buying you will be in a unique cash position to do whatever you like- think you said there was over 80k equity in the house, plus you have other money saved- that's a huge amount to have at your age. And unless you are looking at million pound mansions it is plenty even if you "waste" a few grand having some adventures. Although i only spent 10k in a year travelling round the world- less than i would have paid renting a one bed flat in London! Obviously i didn't earn that year but it was well worth it for the experiences.

In general it is much better to keep a job and to keep owning a property. It is lal too easy to spiral into no assets by pulling out of owing a house and leaving a job. I think you should do as your husband is saying and be firm over the reduction in price of where you are buying based on the expensive works needed but give a little if you have to. It sounds a good move to move nearer work.

If you go travelling just rent out your house and go with your husband and if you can negotiate a 6 month sabbatical from work. Don't leave the property market.

Bedraggledmumoftwo - I need to keep perspective on that side of things! It may feel like 'wasting' it, but we have a huge amount of back up behind us, and I'm a fairly responsible sort. The best time for that sort of trip is now.

Greengrow - Thanks for your reply, I totally hear what you are saying. I think that is what I have been battling with for all this time. We're both still fairly new in our jobs, so they are unlikely to let us have sabbaticals unfortunately. We are going to pull out of the house. If they offer us the full amount we were asking for originally (more than my husband was saying) it may turn our heads, but otherwise I think it is just too much of an undertaking at the moment. It is very unlikely they will do this anyway.

We will probably look to buy after 6 months of renting, but after evaluating the whole situation, I would really like to try and save my job. I work for a charity and I really enjoy what I do and get on with the people I work with. After having some spectacularly rubbish jobs in the past, I don't want to give that up. If we rent I will be nearer to work and my health will improve. I think I will ask for unpaid leave for a week or so to help my Mum after her op when the dust has settled. They will agree to this, they are a good bunch.

There are a few places we'd like to visit (which I can do in annual leave over the next year or so if I narrow it down to the things I know I will regret if I don't do), and I may take a set amount of money out to do that, but otherwise I won't touch the money from the house. We are looking at 70%-80% equity in the type of house we are looking at, and I know that is an extremely lucky place to be in. Because I inherited the money and I know my grandpa worked very hard for it, I feel a sense of responsibility to look after it, and I would never let us end up in the position where we weren't not able to afford another house. If we hadn't made such a huge profit, I wouldn't dream of touching it at all, but there are only so many chances we'll have to do these sort of trips. I don't want to live with regrets.

In your shoes I'd sell the house and go stay with mum for a bit. Could you sell the furniture or store it in a friends garage cheaply?

scrub that, agree with renting near seaside

Wow, 70-80% equity is amazing! We are chuffed to have reached 40% because that is the point at which you get the lowest mortgage rates. They don't go.down any further after you pass the 60% ltv mark, so you have a lot of flexibility to spend some while definitely not losing your rung on the housing ladder. I remember people being shocked that we were going to "waste" money and time travelling at your age but when I tell people about various amazing places we have been now i doubt any would say it was a waste! And we didn't have any kind of financial cushion behind us, or career or house etc, but that is part of what made it a good time to do it. And if you do hop off the housing ladder for a bit you also buy yourself some freedom. I have no idea what people on aibu would say if you suggested going travelling with part of your inheritance/house deposit, but i am pretty sure once you explained how big a deposit you had and the financial security then there would be plenty coming out of the woodwork to say seize the day! (after your mum's op of course, and if you can fit in some trips around your annual leave, that may be good bonding for you and your dh to regroup).

So you won't buy but you will sell? I still think keeping the existing house and letting it out whilst you travel is better as it means you stay in the property market. Lots of people spend cash and also property prices will rise over time so keeping the property is probably safer.

Also you can travel and work. My daughter has worked abroad been housed by the holiday company etc. You can travel without its costing a penny of your savings if you go abroad to work.

Greengrow, i would agree under different circumstances, but the op posted here that she was feeling overwhelmed, stressed and middle aged at 25! She doesn't want to keep the old house and thinks she is getting a really good price and doesn't want to risk losing the buyer. Saying rent it out is very easy but in practice will just add to her stress, she would need to pay a letting agency or management company, probably have her mortgage payments increased as a buy to let mortgage, and be toed to a place she no longer wants to be. House price inflation is no longer a given and I very much doubt the market will move on significantly if she leaves it for a year or two. If she was 35 and only had a 10% deposit, i would agree she should stick with being on the ladder, but she has 80% at 25! There is no need for added stress to her when it is threatening her health and she has the luxury of being able to take a breather. I owned a flat before i bought this house for four years and LOST money when we sold. Had I not lived in it as my primary residence it would have been a big loser as a buy to let, it is just not that good an option anymore. And buying a house that isn't her dream house, with very little financial cushion for any repairs etc is a waste of stamp duty and moving costs when she doesn't know where she will want to be in a few years.

And yes, she could travel for work, I have been lucky enough to do extensive travelling for work, but it is not the same thing. If she just wants a change of scenery yes (if she can get a job that involves travel) BUT if she wants to see the Serengeti, Machu Picchu, Taj Mahal, or gorillas in the wild, the chances are very slim that her job can provide this!

fairyelephant9

Given everything you have said I would do the following.

• Speak to your DH about 'ring fencing' your inheritance. If he doesn't agree to this, then he's not worth hanging around for.

• IF he will agree to ring fencing your inheritance then rent out your house, stay on the property ladder.

• Get him to move back to his Mum's.

• Ask your friend if you can stay/lodge with them for a set period of time.

• Go and stay with your Mum occasionally.

• Don't make a decision about your relationship with DH, but take some time apart like this with no financial commitments to either each other or by yourselves and see how it goes. See how much effort he puts into coming to see you by the seaside and see how much effort you want to put into seeing him.

To be honest, he'd have done his chips with me because you have had to 'teach him how to be an adult', he's let you down enormously over this whole house thing (he's in the trade and has left it all to you WTAF), he hasn't suggested ring fencing your inheritance, he is sarcastic, unsupportive and unpleasant (to use your words) - at the very very least he needs to grow the fuck up.

It's hard because we always want to 'decide' and 'know what's happening' but you are 25, you have plenty of time to see where all of this takes you.

Also, I would be on the pill/other contraception and using condoms - belt and braces because a pregnancy right now would be a nightmare.