to think that I am not an unpaid skivvy

[wheresthelight]

I might be a sahm but that does jot mean that I am the unpaid skivvy to dp and his bloody kids.

I make sure all the housework, cooking, laundry and shopping are done. I spend hours tidying up after them all but the lazy feckers can't even out the bloody silver foil off the new carton of juice in the bin which is right behind them. instead dp leaves ot on the worktop for the flaming fairies to clean up.

he literally does nothing in the house ever.

wibu to go on strike until they learn to clear up after themselves??

apologies for the typos my phone has other ideas about spelling

YANBU I feel exactly like this!!
I'm a sahm and do the lions share of housework, all laundry and cooking. DP and DSS don't pick anything up or even change the toilet roll! Infuriating.

It's a tough one. I'm a sahm too and feel like everything is 'my job'. I can't wait to go back to work tbh.

glad it's not just me flumpy!

I spend 24/7 looking after our joint dd who is 1, walked at 9 months and is currently removing all the dvds off the shelf in the hall. dss walked in and said dd is pulling all the dvds off are you going to pick them up. he got abruptly told he was quite capable

why do men think it is acceptable to leave a trail of destruction and rubbish just because they go out to work?! I may not get paid but I never stop work!

he actually got the hump when I told him to sod off back to another town he had been on a training course in because I had had a tidy house all week!!

Ditto! Just had an argument with my DH cos he couldn't find a packet of wet wipes! He knows there are loads if packets in the babies bedroom, but thinks it's my job as a SAHM to make sure there's always a packet placed strategically round the house wherever he might need one. Sick of having the same conversations over and over again, like banging your head against a brick wall.....!

ithought I have even started to look for a new job and cost up getting a cm for dd but at the moment all that is on offer round here are zero hour contracts which is impractical for childcare. plus as it still all fell to me when I worked full time (even though he works 3 days and is then off for 3 days)

Wish going back to work would make a difference i thought but I suspect I would still end up doing everything. Feel like I'm trapped in some kind of 1950s hell!

He changes nappies charity??!! I have had to implement the "you smelt it you change it" rule cos she hates having her bum changed so gets passed to me as he can't cope with the fight. he passes her to me everytime she cries and then bitches like a 13yo girl that she doesn't settle for him and never calms down when upset when it's him who cuddles her

I love him dearly and he does have some excellent redeeming qualities but I am sick of being taken for granted. left to him the house would look like a shit tip

You're probably right! In fact when i worked 6 days a week BC i still did everything. So annoying. Atm i am doing the book keeping for his business too ... unpaid.

YANBU. You need to "re-train" them. They are being lazy because they get away with it and your dp is showing them how to behave. Your dp is leading by bad example so you need to start with his behaviour and lack of respect. He also needs to parent his dc to treat you and your home with respect. They could be used to being picked up after by someone else and don't care realise how frustrating it is for you. No point going on strike, you'll cracking before they do. Depending on dc ages, I would exchange household chores (do a rota) for privileges(tv/Internet/whatever else they like doing) and things they want (eg going places/spending time with friends/screen time/new games or clothes).

have just blasted dp and told him I am going on strike if it doesn't change.

I find "I am not the maid" normally shames the DCs into doing their share.

While DP is at work, the house/childcare is your "job". So, you "work" the same hours as he does. But, as soon as he gets home, it all needs to be split 50/50. He needs to do his share of cooking, cleaning, dishes, childcare, etc. etc.

It's the only way to make it fair.

And if the DC's are old enough, they can have their own chores too. Loading/unloading dishes, setting the table, putting rubbish away, tidying up after themselves and cleaning their rooms, for starters.

You're going to have to be very very firm with him, and very very clear. You have to nip it in the bud as otherwise it will just get worse and worse.

You could try getting him to cost up child care, housekeeper, ironing service, whatever else you do, so he can see exactly how much you are worth. Or arrange to be away for a couple of days (if you can bear it).

What on earth do these idiots think will happen if you become ill, heaven forfend, and have to spend time in hospital?

I see this from a different point of view, as someone who runs a business and has a husband who is a stay at home dad.
I think it is fair he cooks dinner and keeps the house in a reasonable state. However I also contribute and the biggest house clean of the week is done at weekend by me.
My husband is registered blind and that limits his cleaning ability, so the decision on me doing the weekly big clean is based on the fact I can work to a higher standard. I also do all the painting and decorating.
We do the weekly shopping together as I can point out what is on the shelves and what is on special offer.
I drop son off at nursery and pick him up most of the time as it takes me 5 minutes in the car, but husband needs to catch 2 buses.
My disability means I cannot cook using an oven due to memory and concentration issues, so when I cook dinner it is either a sandwich or a microwave meal.

Take to loo rolls out of the bathroom so when they run out they have none to hand. Then when you have to pass one into them say 'bring the empty roll out please!' If they don't then go nuclear. When my dp leaves wrappers etc lying around i put them in his pockets even if it's a big wrapper I jam it in (best done to good going out jeans or jacket). Give up doing the laundry for a week see how he fares with no pants then say ' oh I'm on strike I did warn you' no dinner either cos you are on strike.

Where do you all find these useless men? Did you not have any clue they were like this before you had kids?

Feel the same - DP had watched me (yep!!) after he finished work the week before finish doing a big sort out in the living room and said we should keep it like that and the DCs should help more ...it isn't fair I should do everything. Fantastic - a bit of support.
Just before bedtime DCs should clean up after themselves - mainly taking their dirty crockery to the kitchen, making sure their shoes are in hall etc. (I used to do this but have given up a bit - for reasons that will become apparent shortly- I generally now have a quick tidy up after they've gone up)

He goes to bed early (works early shifts) and on the third day as he went up he reminded the DCs they needed to tidy up. Later DD1 (13) is refusing to do it - why should she take DPs dirty bowl and cup into the kitchen for him? Or put his shoes into the hall? And she has a point. Try telling that to DP and he says he normally does - just forgot that day ...except he didn't forget to remind them to tidy up!
But to give DD1 her due - yesterday we were out shopping - mainly birthday presents for DD2's friends, a few other bits - then supermarket shopping. We got back at 8pm - I was shattered - both DDs had been bickering/messing about - felt like my head was going to explode. Went into my 'office' hiding with a cup of coffee for 30 mins peace before tackling sorting it all out and putting the shopping away. Pick up the energy to go to do it and find DD1 had done it for me! What a star...

You make your bed and all that....

Why do intelligent women put up with this kind of crap?!

Jux- the only time DH has had our kids on his own is when I was in hospital for five days. They were 9, 9 and 5 and that was the first time he'd had them overnight on his own!!

He managed to feed them freezer food and get them to school etc but he didn't clean a thing and the house was revolting when I got back to the point that I caused myself further injury by cleaning it when I should have been resting. In his mind he coped fine because they were fed and at school and for five days you can get away without cleaning, doing laundry, hoovering etc (if you're blind to surface mess unlike me) and to him I just have unreasonable standards to expect the cooker to be wiped down after each use, the crap removed from the sink after washing up every time, the toilet it be cleaned daily etc.

So it actually made things worse because he now thinks that clearly you can cope without cleaning as much as I do, or tidying up continually but I don't want my kids to live in the sort of mess and dirt that he doesn't seem to be able to see!

I tend to put his mess in one of two places- down his side of the bed (pile of clothes has been there months, I refuse to tidy it, he steps over it) and one heap on the kitchen side (any phone cables, wallet, sweet wrappers, paperwork etc that gets left around is put here). Then he can't accuse me or losing his stuff because i only put things in two places and it contains his mess to two areas that I can live with. He kids are much better at tidying up after themselves!!

I think if you have very very high standards(toilet cleaned daily, cooker cleaned after every single use) then you are making things even more difficult for yourself.

Flossie - completely get where you are coming from. Similar here. I was in hospital for a week and DP 'coped' - he even did some laundy (boiled washed DCs brand new leggings ). No proper cleaning done, and he got help and understanding - eg forgot to give the DCs' lunch money (school were sympathetic), and friends did most of the taking to/from activities etc for me - even picked them up from school a couple of times ...
DP now thinks it is easy...reason when people on here say leave your DP to it for a weekend etc see how he gets on I am not sure it is such a good idea... leave them for a month and it might work...

And to those asking...
I know why I ended up like this ...first DP comes from an abusive background - lived in dog shit in the house level filth and watch his father beat and abuse his equally abusive mum - not a good role model.
Secondly I got pregnant by accident within a few months of living together and then when DD1 came along we were both working ft - DD in FT nursery from 3 months -he did help out at first but then he opened a restaurant when she was 9 months and was working crazy hours - so I picked up the slack . I know what it is like to work 90+ hr weeks - but didn't realise that I was eg going to bed after and getting up before him - actually working longer hrs. I didn't do much cleaning up after him cos he wasn't home much. Then I couldn't keep it up and after 4-5 yrs became a SAHM and had DD2. He had got used to me doing everything - so when he sold up and got an easier job he just carried on. And then the penny dropped I was being taken for a mug. Since then I have gradually been working on him to get him to change - but it is slow going ...and now both DCs are at school and I'm still SAHM it is fair I should do more about the house -but not that I should tidy up his crap for him. I do often think my life would be easier if he wasn't around.
I think the best thing for him would be to live on his own in a flat for 6 months ...(before he lived in various shared houses - his room was always a pit and twice his flatmates had moaned at him and he thought they were unreasonable!)

My DH used to be awful when it came to picking up after himself and at its peak a few months ago I just packed up the car and walked out. I had absolutely reached my limit of tolerance and I found I was sending most days upset over it and resenting him.

I phoned him to tell him that I had absolutely had enough of being treated like the housemaid and his skivvy, that I was leaving and told him not to contact me because I needed space to think. I went to stay with my mom for 4 days to allow myself to receive some TLC and question what I was prepared to put up with and ask myself whether being the household skivvy was I wanted for my future.

I went back home after those 4 days to talk it through properly with DH and I told him he had one more chance and he has been like a completely different person. He isn't perfect when it comes to tidying up after himself and doing housework but the change and improvement in him has been immense! It is much more like a 55/45 percent split now as opposed to the 90/10 percent split that it used to be.

The problem was that he thought I would just put up with it and so he had no reason to change. We'd had many arguments over it over the years, I'd listen to endless promises from him that he would change but he never did - or if he did, he made an effort for about a week and then just reverted back to his lazy self.

He never, ever thought I would actually leave and so when I did it was the wake up call he needed.

Putting your own rubbish etc in the bin should be expected but the bulk of the cooking and housework should fall to the person who has opted out of financially providing for the family or works just part time.