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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my family not to be so tight with presents

33 replies

Baaahumbugs · 17/10/2014 21:18

I have been with DP three years, he gets on really well with my sister and mum.

The first Christmas DP and I were together, we went round to DM's house to exchange presents. Now, DM always goes a bit crazy with presents, always gets myself and sister anything she thinks we will like, dozens of lovely presents. Christmas has never been a small affair. So we all open our presents, DP gets handed a DVD as a joint present from DM and DSis. Fine, it's our first Xmas together.... Thats fine.

BUT every xmas and birthday since then, DP has received a single present no more than £15 each time, the cost of which has been divided between the two of them.

I know its not all about the cost and its the thought that counts but I just feel embarassed when DP sees us all opening our grand gifts and then geta one present split between my adult Dsis and DM. Not only that but DP is so generous, always on the look out for things the two of them might like, very thoughtful and despite how things are with the whole present situation, always ensures that he pays half of anything we buy for DM and Dsis.

I spoke to Dsis about this as I didnt want it to happen again this year and asked if she just wanted to do smaller presents, maybe set a budget so it was more equal.

She went apeshit..... Aparently it would be weird if she and my mum got seperate presents for DP and I'm being an idiot. Aparently everyone she knows does the same with their in laws.....

The thing that pissed me off most was that she is quite happy to accept all these lovely gifts that DP pays half for, yet begrudgingly spends £7.50 on him for xmas and birthdays. Yet she was quite happy for my mum last xmas to buy her boyfriend (who she had only been with for 3 months) a present of the same value as DP - and I wasn't asked to split the cost of that!

I would never dream of clubbing together with my mum to buy a present for my sisters DP - who does that??

I will probably be told IABU.... I'm ready for it.... I just dont feel that I am, I feel like she's really cheeky to be fair....

OP posts:

BOFster · 17/10/2014 21:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all- they are treating him like some kind of spectre at the feast. I'd be embarrassed by them too.

Trills · 17/10/2014 21:22

I don't think you are unreasonable to expect him to be treated more like a member of the family - it doesn't matter whether that's a lot of presents or just something small as long as it fits in with what is happening for everyone else.

Harrin · 17/10/2014 21:23

I don't think yabu

In your situation I'd probably just do what you said, give a smaller gift and I'm sure by next year she'll be doing the same

My parents give me slightly more than dp, his parents give him slightly more

I don't believe you should give to receive but when you do a big gift exchange I can imagine it's a bit embarrassing and awkward

ilovesooty · 17/10/2014 21:25

Why would you want presents you've put pressure on them to buy?

I'd just tell them that if they can't treat your partner with respect you'll scrap the whole Christmas present buying on both sides.

Pico2 · 17/10/2014 21:25

What people do about presents varies a lot. We don't do adult presents, except a few homemade bits and pieces.

chaya5738 · 17/10/2014 21:25

We have the same situation in our family but there is no way you can say anything (my family is generous, DH's family give shit from Poundland even though they are wealthy and spoil themselves with trips to Europe constantly). People give what they feel like giving. Forcing a particular type of gift just ruins the point of giving, imo...

Heels99 · 17/10/2014 21:29

It really doesn't matter. He can stop spending on them. Sounds like they see him asyour boyfriend not your life partner. Reduce your expectations or adjust your own spend. Enjoy the lovely gifts they get you and understand he isn't family so does not get the same size gifts as family members.

Smartiepants79 · 17/10/2014 21:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable. They are treating him like he doesn't belong in your family. Do they normally get on with him? They're behaving like they don't like him.
It's not unreasonable to ask that he be treated the same as any other member of the family.

m0therofdragons · 17/10/2014 21:35

I think it's one of those things you and dp will have to just roll your eyes at. It's very odd and my parents and in laws spend the same on dh and I. However, demanding someone spends more money is uncomfortable and they must think they are right. On the other side, dh thought a card would suffice for sil's birthday because his db isn't married yet just engaged, but they've lived together for 3 years and have booked their wedding. I found it odd I had to tell dh to at least put money in the card! People see things differently.

ZuluBob · 17/10/2014 21:37

Yab very u (sorry ). I think it would be strange for them to buy an expensive present for him. I think that them buying him a 'token' present is about right. Does he even want a pile of presents from your parents?

My parents buy me more than my DH although will sometimes get a joint present. My DH isn't bothered in the slightest. His DM doesn't buy any present but she is lovely, she even tells me i am beautiful . It honestly doesn't bother me.

If it really bothers you what about asking for something for your home that you can share with DH.

AMouseLivedinaWindMill · 17/10/2014 21:38

do they actually like him are they well off, is money tight.

i would be annoyed too.

Ticktockblock · 17/10/2014 21:39

Yanbu. My mum normally spends more on my DH for birthdays and Xmas. I'm not sure if I should be offended as I'm her daughter or pleased she loves him!!

RattysPicnic · 17/10/2014 21:40

YANBU at all. I think it sends a really unpleasant signal.

You don't seem bothered about the content of the gift just the significance of their behaviour and I think you are right to be concerned. Can you speak to your mother? It sounds manipulative of her to behave like this. Is this your first serious partneer? They sound like they don't want to accept Christmas might be changing over time.

Original poster

Baaahumbugs · 17/10/2014 21:40

Trills - exactly - thats kind of my issue, that its's very much like 'right, we'll buy this, that and the other for the actual family but you.... Well you're not really worth bothering about buying a gift for soooo we've got you a token gift".

It's sad for me because DP says its fine and he doesn't mind but it must make him uncomfortable. Thats why I said about setting a budget because then everyone is receiving more or less the same.

Ilove sooty - that's exactly what it feels like now - pressure presents. I really didn't want to make it into a big deal as (despite how this thread probably makes me sound!) I love buying thoughtful presents for people and I'm happy to be spending time with family at Xmas. Its just because it's so unfair and unbalanced that I felt I had to say something. It just makes me so cross that they think it's ok but now that I've had to point it out to her, I feel like knocking it on the head completely - the debate got quite heated and we kind of said that anyway but not celebrating xmas properly would be such a shame.

Chaya - you're absolutely right, it has ruined the gift of giving. It has made it seem like i'm money grabbing on behalf of DP when all I want is a bit of equality. I would happily receive a single present, if everyone was the same. Then DM and Dsis could buy each other whatever they want, just don't open it when we're there. It just feels like its been flaunted in DP's face. She pretty much said that she would rather not get anything for DP if it meant she couldn't split it with DM.

OP posts:

ZuluBob · 17/10/2014 21:40

Btw do your parents help you out in any other way such as diy or babysitting? If they do they might feel that his more generous presents to them are a way of him acknowledging their help.

lornemalvo · 17/10/2014 21:43

They are being rude. They are letting him know he isn't family. I'd give each of them 1 present worth about £15 so your DP doesn't feel left out.

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/10/2014 21:46

Can you think of a joint present for you and dp you can hint for?
I think YANBU but maybe they just don't know him well enough to choose something less generic for him rather than them begrudging the money?

Original poster

Baaahumbugs · 17/10/2014 21:51

Hi all, sorry, not very good at going back and finding names so will just answer questions as they come....

In no way do I expect DP to receive an avalanche of presents, I just feel that if they got him a present each, it would show that they had both thought about what he may like and got it of their own accord and willing, rather than seemingly picking something up and saying 'mm yeah, that'll do....'

They love DP - my mum is forever asking when she will be a granny/ when she can buy a hat etc etc so they definitely see him as a forever fixture.

DP isn't my first serious relationship but my first was absolutely hated by them and vice versa.... And no, it wasn't because of christmas present- gate!

Money isn't an issue where immediate family are concerned, my DM and Dsis just seem to have a problem with 'outsiders' and freely giving things (gifts) away. Dsis nearly lost said boyfriend just before xmas because she expected him to pay for everything (egged on by my mum and her old fashioned dating views).

OP posts:

JADS · 17/10/2014 22:01

I don't think you can force your mum and sister to give more but YANBU to ask them to give fewer gifts to reduce the inequality.

My parents give me more presents than dh. He is impossible to buy for and tends to get jokey presents like socks. I never get anything from my mil. My mum used to really fret that dh wasn't getting the same so I now ask for something we can use as a family like National trust membership. My mil simply doesn't care despite being loaded. She's a complete joy sponge!

TheBooMonster · 17/10/2014 22:04

YANBU

At Christmas my family have a pretty unusual system for buying presents and everyone gets a £5 present from every couple. My DH and I always get either a separate £5 or a joint present to the value of £10 (some people go over budget but no one goes under). DH's family always get gifts for me too.

Birthdays tend to be a little different, I do all the present buying from us for birthdays and Mothers day and Fathers day because it doesn't cross DH's mind to get anything (his parents never got anything for Mothers or Fathers day from him and since our wedding I ensure that they do, even if it's just a bottle of booze) and this is a fairly open situation. With this in mind my parents tend to get DH something small and silly for his birthday on the idea that if birthdays aren't that important to him there's no point them spending money on something big.

Original poster

Baaahumbugs · 17/10/2014 22:17

I think the thing that makes it more awkward is the fact that DP's family are by no means well off. Yet every year they make sure that they've done some serious digging into what I might like and buy equal amounts to everyone else. I know they sometimes worry about how xmas will cost but they really try and make it special. I always feel completely involved and loved and I want that for DP too. In those instances, I often get choked up because I see how it should be and I almost feel bad accepting it from them because I cant provide the same from my side iyswim?

Dsis said "well lets just forget it then". I told her that we had already got most of hers and DM's presents.... And got told "well, take them back then!" Maybe I bloody well will!!

OP posts:

Lucked · 17/10/2014 22:25

I agree YANBU to ask for fewer gifts. Perhaps approach your mum and say as an adult with a partner who will be buying you presents you would fell more comfortable receiving a single gift.

Could you all exchange presents before Christmas to open at home before going to your mums? This may be less weird than a present opening extravaganza.

Book a holiday this year to put a bit if a break in Christmas traditions. People are funny about Christmas as everything is seen as sacrosanct and carved in stone. A Christmas away from your family may do you all good!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/10/2014 22:42

Your sister went apeshit - what about your mother? Have you raised this matter with her?

Original poster

Baaahumbugs · 17/10/2014 22:58

My sister is very much the domineering force between the two and I would imagine she would just say to leave it as she knows that by questioning how things are, she would feel like she was taking sides. I would say she would just tell us to sort it out between ourselves. I should probably give her a call....

OP posts:

odyssey2001 · 17/10/2014 23:00

I am in the same situation as your partner with my in-laws; we have been together for ten years and married for five. I get token clothes for a present most years. It is not about the present but the sense of inclusion and belonging, and the display of my worth to therm, that is attached to the monetary value.

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