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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husband he can't go?

82 replies

cookielove · 17/10/2014 20:21

Hello, bit of background, my husband and I usually have a relationship where we don't ask each other permission to do things but we do discuss engagements and whether one or both of us will attend.

Ok so we had ds 9 weeks ago, I have done all the nights with him i go to bed around 7-8 for a nap and dh has him till 10.30 - 11.00pm then brings him into me, he goes and sleeps in the spare room. I have ds all day obviously.

2 weeks ago dh went away for the weekend, the weekend after that his mates showed up on the pretence of dropping round gifts but they took dh to the pub for several hours and tonight last minute he went to the cinema leaving me with no nap. Now he wants to go away for another weekend and he must know he is pushing his luck cause he asked if he could go! I haven't given him an answer yet but I really want to say no.

Even when dh is home I do the lion share of the baby care and house work!

Aibu or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

azurepapallo · 17/10/2014 21:42

Btw I did every night on my own (with twins) once my DH went back to work but he was brilliant during the day and would never have even thought about going away for the weekend or off to the pub all night.

He had to go away for 3 days when they were 4 months old and he was distraught at the idea of leaving us.

Original poster

cookielove · 17/10/2014 21:43

He is home, he has taken ds and I will hopefully get some sleep!

OP posts:

azurepapallo · 17/10/2014 21:44

cookie quite right too.

chipping I have read the thread I just think that some practical demonstrations may be required for this particular DH.

Original poster

cookielove · 17/10/2014 21:45

The problem really is that he is a Twat!

OP posts:

WillowWoods · 17/10/2014 21:47

I wouldn't feel like leaving my new baby for the day,just to teach his father a lesson. I'd maybe suggest that DH stays in with you for a couple of weeks straight,to get the feel of how things are. No more weekends away.

azurepapallo · 17/10/2014 21:52

QuiteCookie

IcingandSlicing · 17/10/2014 23:14

Yes. He can't. If he can so you can too. How about that?!
Tell him you're taking the weekend off. You certainly need a bit of entertainment too.
Why not?!
Pfff some men are so selfish and irresponsible. Most of them actually.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/10/2014 23:31

Yanbu he has to act like a father. He has responsibilities, he can't act like a bachelor anymore!

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 23:34

azure if you had read the thread you would have known that a) the OP is bottle feeding b) her DH has already suggested she go out for the day and c) she doesn't want to.

Littleen · 17/10/2014 23:37

No, he's not entitled to all the weekends away and lots of pub and stuff, with such a tiny baby. He's got to realise life has changed, and he is required at home as a responsible father.

WerkSupp · 17/10/2014 23:54

He needs to grow the fuck up. And do not tell him you want him to 'help' more. He needs to pull his weight and be a responsible parent now.

NO more missing your nap time. No more spur of the moment bullshit. No more weekends away till the baby sleeps all night. And he does at least one weekend night.

Anything else is being a twat. He's actually being a really immature twat right now.

It's not forever they feed like this, just a few months.

Too fucking bad. He just has to suck it up.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/10/2014 00:13

So life hasn't really changed for him has it? Why are you 'on' 24/7 while he still lives the single life? You should be sharing the parenting (it's not called 'helping').

Regardless of him being grumpy if he's tired (who isn't??) he should be doing weekend nights for you, there is no reason why he should be getting 7 good nights sleep a week.

My DH does the weekend nights for me, it's not even an issue. And no he shouldn't be going off on another weekend, it's time to grow up and start being a parent.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 18/10/2014 00:22

If you are ffing then he can do the night duty on the two nights he doesnt have work the following day so you can have a full night off. Bare minimum!!!

PulpsNotFiction · 18/10/2014 00:28

He is being so UR I am tempted to call troll.

I don't mean you are but seriously come on! Your bAby is a joint responsibility. You're making a right old rod for your own back here op.

Nessalina · 18/10/2014 01:29

Don't be ridiculous Pulps, it only takes 10secs to do a search & see that the OP is a longtime MNer

He's definitely being a bit of a twat cookie. But at the minute he doesn't necessarily know how you feel - he's being massively immature, but he is redeemable! You've just got to make it very clear what you expect from him, because he unfortunately doesn't seem to know what is appropriate behaviour for a new father. If you make the situation clear and he continues to be a cock, then I'm afraid you've got a bigger problem

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2014 01:59

I remember my own DH just not 'getting it' when we had our first (many years ago). He didn't really understand that both of our lives would change, not just mine. He was just wonderful when he was home, but really didn't 'get' that a father has to stay home more than a husband. Where once I'd say 'sure dear, have fun' and wave him off, now it was 'Are you kidding me? NO, I need you here!'.

Talk to him. Tell him how exhausted you are. Explain that you need him, the baby needs him. That, for now, his place is at home with his wife and child (at least 3 weekends out of 4!!).

Original poster

cookielove · 18/10/2014 03:24

Hello all, dh came home and took the baby till 2.30am for some reason ds wouldn't settle he is usually passed out by then anywho I took him and about 30 minutes later he projectile vomited :(

Ds is now fast asleep on me after a mass clean up!

I think one of the main issues is that, dh never really wanted children (although he wants ds) so i try to keep the peace and keep everyone happy. However things are going to change, I'm gonna tell him he can't swan off whenever he wants!

Thanks ness

OP posts:

Justyouwaitandsee · 18/10/2014 04:49

If you are trying to keep the peace, and feeling like the baby is your main responsibility, as you were the one who wanted children, and feel that you are not ready to leave the baby, maybe to him, he feels a bit of a spare part or not sure what he should do?

Fine for the baby to be returned to you if he wants his mum, but surely both the baby and DH need proper time to get used to each other, even if that means making mistakes along the way or doing things differently to how you might do them. They need to both learn to rely on and understand each other, as much as they rely on you. Don't feel guilty about the fact you wanted DC more, DS is here now and you both have equal or shared responsibility.

I think that the people suggesting you go off for the day, or at least a few hours, are bit just suggesting you not only do this for yourself, but also to allow DH and DS some vital bonding time so they can both learn to cope without you.

Also, (this might be naive as our baby is not even here yet) but all the posts so far, seem to focus purely on childcare duties and sharing the load. Should you/he not also be looking for some quality family and couple time too? Whether that is having a meal together or going for a family trip to the park at the weekend or some snuggle time. From you description, it seems at the moment, he gets in from work (or wherever he's been) then you hand over the baby to go to sleep (understandably) before taking baby back before your husband heads off for a night in the spare room. Adding in all the nights out, weekends away, visits from friends, are you actually getting any time together? Does he feel (rightly or wrongly) that you are all about the baby now and that he is not really needed (as a husband or a father)? Do you look forward to seeing and spending time with him as well as sharing childcare? Does he know that?

(I am not trying to suggest that this is all to do with you and nothing to do with him, just suggesting there might be different/several reasons behind his behaviour if a) he feels he is not needed b) he feels he cannot look after the baby as well as you c) he feels he is no longer needed as a husband as well as a father)

Justyouwaitandsee · 18/10/2014 04:51

Oh sorry. That was long
I hope I am not speaking out of turn and that some of what I said might offer a different perspective...

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2014 06:22

DH was the one that wanted kids. I had DD almost four years ago. Odd that I do about equal housework DH would say he does more and more childcare. Hmmmm is it because I don't have a baby-work avoiding penis? That can't be right.

Booking spa days and such is all very well but actually he is your partner and your child's father and as such should do his bloody share.

needsacuppanow · 18/10/2014 08:19

I think it's very unfair of him to ask you, I hated it when my dh used to do this. Ifelt it was so that he could blame me when he says no to his mates rather than actually just telling them that it's his decision not to go. I could imagine him telling his mates "I would come out, but my wife won't let me"! Very disrespectful.
I used to work in a very male dominated industry and I found it amazing how many of them liked to make out that they are under the thumb and weren't "allowed" out.
It's early days with your baby, surely he must realise that he needs to be at home with his family. You know best how to approach it with him, but he needs to be made aware of his responsibilities and that you are partner and not his mother!

needsacuppanow · 18/10/2014 08:26

I would tell him it's his decision but that it's inconvenient for you at the moment because of you needing your sleep, time to yourself and family time (i.e not having sole responsible for the baby but sharing the responsibility).
Surely he must see that you are knackered, if not you need to spell it out to him.

Chunderella · 18/10/2014 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananaleaf · 18/10/2014 10:23

Is he having a laugh?! Going to the cinema at the last minute! Sounds like he is starting to take the P.

YANBU do not 'suck it up'

As a PP said it's not about not 'letting' him do stuff, it's about what you need him to do at home.

That evening and weekend rest time is crucial at the stage you are at now. It won't be forever and you can both have some more freedom in due course. DD is 9mo and I would only now just about be ok if he went away for the weekend. I don't have any other family help near me though, do you? Even if you do I think he is expecting a lot.

tiggytape · 18/10/2014 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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