Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband he can't go?

82 replies

cookielove · 17/10/2014 20:21

Hello, bit of background, my husband and I usually have a relationship where we don't ask each other permission to do things but we do discuss engagements and whether one or both of us will attend.

Ok so we had ds 9 weeks ago, I have done all the nights with him i go to bed around 7-8 for a nap and dh has him till 10.30 - 11.00pm then brings him into me, he goes and sleeps in the spare room. I have ds all day obviously.

2 weeks ago dh went away for the weekend, the weekend after that his mates showed up on the pretence of dropping round gifts but they took dh to the pub for several hours and tonight last minute he went to the cinema leaving me with no nap. Now he wants to go away for another weekend and he must know he is pushing his luck cause he asked if he could go! I haven't given him an answer yet but I really want to say no.

Even when dh is home I do the lion share of the baby care and house work!

Aibu or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 17/10/2014 20:57

Are you breast feeding?

Original poster
cookielove · 17/10/2014 21:00

Ds is bottle fed, bf never took off due to him being a preemie! Dh doesn't have him at night due to dh without sleep makes him irrationally cross and grumpy! So it's just easier if I do it, but he should be having him now.

None of the weekend things are stag/ wedding things just going out with mates!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 17/10/2014 21:01

You might well not want a whole day away (perhaps that's why he offered...) but start taking him up on the offer by going out for shorter spells - go to the cinema or just go for a coffee or some solo-shopping. Get into the habit of that now.

MrsHathaway · 17/10/2014 21:03

Has he noticed that there's a new person in his family?

"Four weekends in a row? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Do you know any other men with children, or is he the first? I'm guessing he's the first of his circle to couple up properly.

Guitargirl · 17/10/2014 21:04

Well, in that case, there is no reason why you can't be sharing night duties. Yes, we can all be irrationally cross and grumpy on little sleep but, well, that kind of goes with having a baby. In your shoes I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go but I would be booking myself a night or two in a nice hotel alone shortly after.

Bowlersarm · 17/10/2014 21:04

Say no.

And also take him up on the offer of having the baby for a day. Plan a day of shopping, lunch with a friend, shopping, home. It is so nice to have a break for a short time.

TheRealMaryMillington · 17/10/2014 21:06

I am amazed that he thought it was ok to go away for the weekend once, let alone twice.

CocktailQueen · 17/10/2014 21:07

Irrationally cross and grumpy!! So what are you then, superwoman? He needs to grow the fuck up and start pulling his weight. End of. Especially if dc is bottle fed!! He could be sharing the nights with you! Selfish twat.

Nessalina · 17/10/2014 21:08

I think you need to put your foot down a bit...
I think it's reasonable for you to say something along the lines of 'look, you know I don't mind you doing your own thing usually, but that 8-11 sleep time is vital for me to function like a normal human being. Now on a special occasion I can cope without you, but not regularly, and you only just had a weekend away... So it's up to you, if you really want to go, then go, but I'd expect it to be the last time for a while...'
Especially considering your DS was early and it's been a stressful time for you, it's pretty inconsiderate for him not to think about your feelings, but if you don't tell him, he won't know!
We haven't even had our sprog yet, and DH just asked permission to go away for one night in December - I thought it was super cute that he asked, and I just said, no problem, but that gives me a night in hand Grin

lomega · 17/10/2014 21:10

Have you had any time off or trips out yet with your friends?

if not - tell him to stuff it

museumum · 17/10/2014 21:10

If he offers you a 'day off' then take it - there's no rule that says how long a day has to be... take yourself off for a couple or a few hours and then come back when you want to and you are ready and keen to see your baby again... even him thinking he's got to cover 8 hours will be useful for him even if he ends up only covering 2 or 3 hours in the end.

Nessalina · 17/10/2014 21:10

Woah, just read your update Shock
I'd be raging. You need to tell him straight - 8-11pm is your ONLY time that's yours and he needs to be the fuck home for it!

MsVestibule · 17/10/2014 21:12

When DC1 was tiny, my now DH seemed to think it was perfectly OK to carry on with his 'single man' routine of a long bath as soon as he came in on a Friday after work, out for drinks all that evening with his friends, then the next day, a leisurely round of golf followed by a drink and late lunch in the clubhouse. I explained that when I'd been looking after a demanding DC all day, she was his responsibility when he got in from work. And no way was I 'working' for an extra day every week while he played out with his mates.

You really, really shouldn't have to spell it out to him, but you need to sit him down and explain that if you're doing every night shift, your early evening nap is non-negotiatiable. And seriously, two weekends away in such a short space of time - why? Did he used to do this regularly pre-DC?

zeezeek · 17/10/2014 21:12

You are not being unreasonable for needing his help now. It doesn't mean that in future you can't both do your own thing - as long as your child is looked after, but right now, you need his help and support.

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 21:15

When he comes in, hand the baby over to him and tell him you do not expect to see either of them again until YOU go and find them in the morning. Tell him you are not discussing this whole ridiculous situation tonight, but you will be tomorrow and if he values his marriage at all he will have a good, hard think about how fucking unreasonable he is being. Not doing any nights, pissing off more weekends than he's been home since DS has been home... then just pissing all over your 'nap' time tonight... grrrrr

Rebecca2014 · 17/10/2014 21:16

He is taking the total piss but a lot of men get away with barely helping with their own child.

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 21:17

you need his help and support

She doesn't need his help and support - she needs him to his share of parenting their child!

Nessalina · 17/10/2014 21:18

I like Chipping's idea - he doesn't have to be at work tomorrow does he? You get your 'me' time from the minute he gets in Grin

PeppermintPasty · 17/10/2014 21:20

This is making me mad on your behalf. It is awful, selfish, entitled behaviour. He sounds like a git, sorry. What's he like generally?

Andanotherthing123 · 17/10/2014 21:21

His being 'irrationally cross and grumpy' when he gets no sleep is his way of getting away with doing fuck all. It's the old 'he never washes the dishes properly so it's easier to do it myself.'. Next you'll not be able to leave DS with him because you don't trust him to look after him properly because he won't understand his needs as well as you do (because he never looks after him).

Sorry if this sounds a bit ragey, but you deserve more support. YANBU.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/10/2014 21:24

I get pissy if I havent had much sleep, most people do, what it actually is, is he gets whiny because hes tired, will you probably are alot more tired, its time to start prodding him in the night and making him get up for the baby.

Original poster
cookielove · 17/10/2014 21:24

Just called him to tell him to hurry the fuck up!

OP posts:
BOFster · 17/10/2014 21:25

I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go, no, but I'd probably say something like "Let's see, we normally do xyz so I can get a short break, but lately you have gone to ABC so that hasn't happened. What do you think you should do?"

azurepapallo · 17/10/2014 21:39

You are bottle feeding? In that case off out tomorrow morning from 7 am and don't come back all day. If he suggests that this is in anyway unreasonable he has his answer in the weekend...

ChippingInLatteLover · 17/10/2014 21:41

azure you haven't read the thread have you...