Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my ex and his partner should prove our son's childcare?

51 replies

louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 14:43

This is going to be hideously Jeremy Kyle so I do apologise in advance!
2 years ago I met a guy, went on a few dates, slept together of course etc... We split up after a couple of weeks when I learned that at 26 years of age, he had never had a job, had not as much as a gcse and didn't plan on changing that. Deal breaker for me. I then found out I was pregnant with his baby. Some months later his new gf was also pregnant (I did say jezza)
She has a 6 yo daughter by a previous man and their son is 5 months younger than ours. She too, has never worked, they live on benefits. He has never given me a penny for our son, I earn a good wage and we all otherwise get along fine but the money thing does irritate me.

I am coming to the end of my ML and will be returning 4 days a week to the office and will catch up in the evenings. This will still give me a wage of around £2, 300 after deductions. Nursery for 4 days is going to cost a little over £1000.
Now considering his father does not work, never intends to, and does not provide financially for him and never has...
AIBU expecting his father to look after his own son on the 4 days I work so that I can go out and provide for him as i am the one willing? Why should i shell out another 1k every month when the other half of his family are perectly capable of looking after him for free?

OP posts:
NorwaySpruce · 17/10/2014 14:45

Is he refusing to?

Original poster
louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 14:47

Oh and I have nc as this would likely out me.

Yes he is refusing to. Because he might get a job, he's too busy and they've got enough on their plates with their other kids

OP posts:
JustAShopGirl · 17/10/2014 14:47

You want your son to be raised by this wonderful role-model?

fluffymouse · 17/10/2014 14:48

Is he someone you want to be looking after your ds? Is he responsible and a good role model? Would your ds be better in a childcare setting regulated by Ofsted?

Original poster
louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 14:48

And any other excuse he can think of. Ds does go there once a week and loves his dad and siblings. He is well looked after whilst there

OP posts:
steff13 · 17/10/2014 14:49

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want him to do it, but I don't think I'd want him watching after my child, given your description of him.

Here, people can go to jail for not paying child support, is that not a possibility in the UK?

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 14:50

It would be ideal for you but obviously not for your child

So as annoying as it is, you need to strike it off your list of options.

gentlehoney · 17/10/2014 14:51

You don't seem to think much of your ex or his values. If that is the way you want your child to be brought up go ahead.

Original poster
louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 14:51

They are nice people, house spotless, little girl does well at school etc.
Just not An ounce of work ethic between them. I even offered to pay them but my dad went ballistic

OP posts:
LucyInTheSkyWithDonuts · 17/10/2014 14:52

I wouldn't want my child spending that amount of time with someone who can't be bothered to look after them. You do not want to be reliant on someone who seems so unreliable, it will be a nightmare and effect your work. Get a child-minder and grit your teeth for a few years.

bakingaddict · 17/10/2014 14:53

Whether they are morally compelled to do it is another matter but perhaps if you dropped them a couple of hundred a month then it might make the likelihood of it happening a bit stronger.

You'd still be saving on spending a £1000 month but if it was me i'd question whether I wanted my child in that environment but that's your decision to make

BflatMinor · 17/10/2014 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 14:55

How does he get money?

Surely he's not been allowed to remain on unemployment benefits for 10 years?

Isn't he forced to do workfare or something similar?

OfficeNewGirl · 17/10/2014 14:57

i understand what you are saying.

This would irritate me if i was paying £1000 a month when his father wasn't working.

Would he considering looking after ds if you paid for ds food and the cost of any outings?

Say about £250 a month? If he's living on benefits then he may not be able to afford to feed an extra child and buy nappies etc.

gentlehoney · 17/10/2014 14:58

If they are nice people with a spotless house who look after their children and your child well, then what exactly is your complaint about them?

Assuming your husband's partner is a similar age to him she hasn't been "out of work" but raising her child.
And now it turns out that your ex is looking for a job after all?

Whichusername · 17/10/2014 15:01

Can he use some of his benefits to contribute to childcare costs? Or maybe get him to commit to looking after your(his) son 2 out of the four days rather that full 4 days?

You shouldn't have to pay all the childcare costs by yourself but unless your son's father gets a job there doesn't seem much you can do about the situation. In three years' time your childcare costs will go down considerably. Until then you might have to grin and bear it unfortunately no matter how unfair that seems.

Bogeyface · 17/10/2014 15:02

I would not want them looking after him if only for the fact that if he really doesnt have any intention of getting a job they could soon work out how much more money they could get a week with your son living with them.

You hand him over for 4 days a week and before long you could find yourself fighting for residence and worst case scenario is you see him EOW and pay maintenance to your ex while he rakes in the tax credits.

Original poster
louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 15:02

They are in receipt of benefits which keeps their house nice and food on the table, which ones or how much I don't know.
I know that once nursery, mortgage, council tax, car insurance and running costs have been paid from my salary they will likely have more disposable income than I will! Not benefit bashing in any way, they are necessary in some situations but this is a classic case of taking the piss!

OP posts:
batgirl1984 · 17/10/2014 15:02

This may come across inflammatory, but is genuine. If you are a single parent do you not get 70% childcare paid? Making work a bit more affordable for you? Or did that go out with the ark?
(my source on this is usually quite reliable, and with two in childcare and not entitled to funded early years places yet had me eyeing my husband in a calculating way!)

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 15:07

Are you sure he's not on some sort of disability benefit?

That's the only kind I can think of that would mean he could go 10 years without working.

If so, perhaps that's why he can't commit to childcare?

OfficeNewGirl · 17/10/2014 15:07

if op has one child and earns more than 26k then she will not receive any help with childcare

gentlehoney · 17/10/2014 15:08

Why not compromise and send him for two days overnight access every week, halving your childcare cost?

fedupbutfine · 17/10/2014 15:10

This may come across inflammatory, but is genuine. If you are a single parent do you not get 70% childcare paid? Making work a bit more affordable for you? Or did that go out with the ark?

Sigh. The usual crap of 'single parents get all the benefits'.

The OP is on a good salary. She is earning more than the £26k cut off to receive anything other than Child Benefit with one child. She will get no support towards childcare. Tax Credits and other benefits are means-tested - there is no such thing as a 'single parent benefit' - households reliant on one income are not exempt from this.

OP - the hardest thing to come to terms with as a lone parent is that you are on your own. Seriously, just arrange childcare and know that you are 'safe' in that your day to day childcare needs are met and you are able to work. Your child's father is not going to step up and if he does, it will be in a half-hearted way. Half-hearted doesn't pay your bills and in fact, could end up with you losing your job. I would suggest saying nothing else and hope that he can be relied upon in an emergency to help you out (but I would have something else up your sleeve, just in case). It's crap but if you can get your head round it, it makes life a lot easier.

gentlehoney · 17/10/2014 15:10

Worra, I think even on ordinary job seekers allowance you have to spend most of the day searching for work, or the money is "sanctioned"

I am not sure how this can fit in with childcare?

Greenrug85 · 17/10/2014 15:13

I would at the very least expect him to have your child half the time you are in work, but yanbu to expect all days. Maybe with the understanding that if he gets a job this will obviously change.

Lazy bastard.