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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my ex and his partner should prove our son's childcare?

51 replies

louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 14:43

This is going to be hideously Jeremy Kyle so I do apologise in advance!
2 years ago I met a guy, went on a few dates, slept together of course etc... We split up after a couple of weeks when I learned that at 26 years of age, he had never had a job, had not as much as a gcse and didn't plan on changing that. Deal breaker for me. I then found out I was pregnant with his baby. Some months later his new gf was also pregnant (I did say jezza)
She has a 6 yo daughter by a previous man and their son is 5 months younger than ours. She too, has never worked, they live on benefits. He has never given me a penny for our son, I earn a good wage and we all otherwise get along fine but the money thing does irritate me.

I am coming to the end of my ML and will be returning 4 days a week to the office and will catch up in the evenings. This will still give me a wage of around £2, 300 after deductions. Nursery for 4 days is going to cost a little over £1000.
Now considering his father does not work, never intends to, and does not provide financially for him and never has...
AIBU expecting his father to look after his own son on the 4 days I work so that I can go out and provide for him as i am the one willing? Why should i shell out another 1k every month when the other half of his family are perectly capable of looking after him for free?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 15:14

gentlehoney I think a lot of the job searching is done online.

However, I'd be surprised if he's got away with claiming job seekers for this long, without ever having been made to do some sort of work.

Bogeyface · 17/10/2014 15:14

H has had lots of applicants for a recent job from hundreds of miles away. Its a common thing apparently, they apply for jobs that they know they will not get interviewed for and even if they did they claim its too far to travel, so they dont get sanctioned as they are following the rules.

There are ways to get around the rules if you know how to play the system and many people do.

TrendStopper · 17/10/2014 15:15

You can get up to 70%. I get about a third.

Usually when someone is claiming benefits the csa automatically takes 5 pounds a week from their money. Have u contacted the csa?

Would he be willing to do one day a week instead of the four? It is shit that he has the time to look after his child but wont.

gentlehoney · 17/10/2014 15:16

There are very few jobs available for even very well qualified people so it is unlikely that someone "without even a GCE" will find it easy to get one. However willing they are.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 15:18

True but 10 years?

In my area the jobcentre would be picking manual labour jobs and making him go for interviews.

This is what's making me wonder whether he's claiming a disability benefit maybe?

gentlehoney · 17/10/2014 15:25

I am thinking it must be disability benefit too. The unemployed people I know are kept busy on courses, re-training and interviews. At only twenty-six I am sure he would have been put into a "work experience" type of job at least?

GirlInASwirl · 17/10/2014 15:25

There are a few different childcare situations that could be considered or which you have mentioned two - nursery full time, father full time. What about the other options too - child carers, your family, playgroups, exchange with other parents, etc etc. Or maybe half week with dad - and the other in paid childcare so at least your costs are reduced.

I would always go for the best 'quality' childcare if you are in the fortunate position to be able to pay. I also think there is scope to directly address what contribution your ex will have towards your child. Try to negotiate hard. If not financially - then you expect him to in other ways? What will happen when he finds work?

I agree with another poster that registered childcare may provide a better all-round quality of care/education than what you have already described of the father.

Its difficult; but you may have to provide the best opportunities for your child, with or without your ex's cooperation.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/10/2014 15:38

I would expect him to be responsible for 50% of the childcare. So he should be looking after DS two days a week for now & then, if he does find work, covering 50% of childcare costs after that.

That is how my DSis & her DD's father sorted themselves out and it seemed to work. DNiece is 11 now, so childcare costs are much lower - after school club & holiday clubs only. They still split it 50/50 though. DSis is (and always has been) on a lower income than her ex but was able to claim some of her costs back through Tax Credits. I know that rules/cut-offs for that may have changed now though.

BarbarianMum · 17/10/2014 15:42

OP how much of looking after their other children and keeping the house clean does your ex do, and how much is done by his partner? If she does all most of it, I can quite see why she doesn't want to look after your ds too. It is certainly not her responsibility to provide you with childcare at all. It is a pity that your son's dad is such a waster but he is.

Sweetpea01 · 17/10/2014 15:48

Woah hang on, what's happening in this post?!

OP has clearly stated her only issue with her ex and his family is that they don't work, which is entirely a personal opinion and absolutely does NOT mean these people are incapable of looking after OP's child.

What if a working ex-partner came on here to tell us about the mother of his child not working and he didn't think this was the right 'environment' for his child?! He'd be slated, and damn well should be.

Someone's work status does not define how well they can rear a child (providing they do get money via benefits and aren't entirely without). I also didn't read anywhere that OP wants child to go to dad's overnight for four days? I read it as just during the day care, like a childminder?

In answer to your post OP.
Yes he really should be offering to look after his child during the day whilst you work. But men (and other posters it seems) seem to often feel that childcare is not up to them. In which case, your only option may be paid childcare unfortunately.

My ex doesn't currently work after having a back operation. Nor does his parner as she looks after her child and is currently PG. Often during school holidays they do have my two children (with ex) for several days at a time so I can work. They don't attempt to 'claim' extra benefits for this nor even do they ask any money as ex knows he can only pay the 5 p/week maintenance atm.

This is a fab arrangement for me and my children who actually get to feel part of dad's family and not just visitors in his 'everyday' life. My ex and his family are entirely capable of raising our children alongside me, I was with ex for 7 years - So I know without a doubt he is a fab father!

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 16:14

I don't think you can compare someone recovering from a back operation, to someone who the OP categorically states has never had a job and never intends to get one.

Either way, it's unfair to leave a child with someone who isn't happy to look after them. Even if that someone happens to be the other parent and their DP.

The child deserves to spend time with people who are actually happy to have them.

ScarletFever · 17/10/2014 16:40

If you let him look after the child for 4 days, then technically isn't that a kind of joint custody? and therefore would he have a claim on you for maintenance?

Do you really want to be going down that road?

Also - he doesn't sound like he is very reliable, and do you want your child to group with that as a role model.

Suck it up, pay the childcare and hold your head up high!! (see if work can do the tax free child care vouchers as well)

Original poster
louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 16:45

His only disability is laziness. I do not receive tax credits and the like, no. I have never been through the csa for the £5 but thinking I probably should just to make a point.
Like I said, I have no qualms about the care they give the children. Both are very good with them.
I have sent a text about having him for 2 days as he's not answering his phone.

He has signed on for 10 years, he knows how to work the system, his parents have never worked either afaik and they are in their 60s. They have both recently retired from being on the dole as my mum put it Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
louloudoodah · 17/10/2014 16:47

Would 4 days be joint custody? I hadn't thought of that. It would be 8.30-4 as I work close to their home. Nothing overnight as he still wakes for a bf

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/10/2014 16:57

True but 10 years?

Someone I know through someone else asked H for the phone number of the agency H was registered with. We got the number, got some others too, mentioned him to a few people and tried to help all we could. He said he was desperate for a job and really trying. He was offered three different contracts and there was a reason why he couldnt take any of them. He then announced he was starting with one of the agencies we told him about, we saw him afterwards and asked how it went he said "It didnt" and out came a string of excuses why that job was crap too. Turns out that this "desperate" man hasnt had a job since 1995. Hmm

PrivateJourney · 17/10/2014 16:57

If they're as good at playing the system for benefits as you think they are, I think they'd be biting your arm off to become primary carers for DS, with you seeing him at the weekends.

I can see why this would be a practical solution and I agree a father should be doing this as it seems he could but I would be very wary of getting into such an arrangement if I were you.

PrivateJourney · 17/10/2014 17:01

Yes, I know that definitely happens too Bogey. When my dad finished work (he basically retired early although he wasn't quite retirement age) he wanted to continue paying his stamp for the state pension. Apparently though there is no mechanism to do this yourself, you can only get it by signing on. He wasn't entitled to and didn't want any benefits, he just wanted to make sure his stamp was fully paid up.

He and the jobcentre staff had great fun sending him for as many unsuitable interviews as they could. There was never any expectation that he would actually get/take a job but he had to keep going for the interviews.

AlpacaMyBags · 17/10/2014 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustShakeitoff · 17/10/2014 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldLloyd · 17/10/2014 17:21

Is there no compromise in that he could have him one day a week, or stop having him on a weekend day if I he does now and just one day in the days your working?

fairgame · 17/10/2014 17:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable for asking him at all.
I just worry that you might be setting yourself up for a fall. If he reluctantly agrees then it could be likely that he lets you down. Will you end up with phone calls such as 'i can't have him today i'm not well' or 'I can't have him today i've got to go somewhere'?
You might be better organising some regular reliable childcare rather than running the risk of being let down.

magoria · 17/10/2014 17:24

His DP has a child 5 months younger than yours. You are just coming to the end of your maternity leave.

YANBU to expect your DC to get his finger out.

YABU if you expect his DP to look after your DC because 'she isn't working'.

magoria · 17/10/2014 17:25

Sorry YANBU to expect your ex not your DC.

CrispyFern · 17/10/2014 17:25

Why would you want somebody watching your son every day who doesn't want to and has told you their hands are full with another baby? Do you want him left in a cot all day staring at the wall? Or worse?

sleepylittlebunnies · 17/10/2014 17:34

Two days a week sounds fair and as he already has him once a week wouldnt be much more. If DS goes to a childminder or nursery the other 2 days at least you'd have some back up if he got a job or let you down. Whdn DS drops the in the night bf he could do the overnight between those 2 days.