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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family visit and dog...

50 replies

Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 13:27

I probably am BU slightly, but it's annoying me

I haven't seen my family for nearly exactly a year now - I live at the other end of the country and so visiting is expensive and I work full time. I still talk to them on the phone regularly though.

I have a lot of pets and one of my dogs has gone with me each time I've visited. My family aren't dog people and because he's large they assume he will bite and kill them and the family terrier dog. He's never shown aggression to people or dogs, they just assume this because of his breed.

I booked my other animals into kennels, some needed booster vaccinations etc to be allowed in. I booked a hotel and worked out petrol money. It's about £350 total to go there for 1 night. (Wouldn't usually be so much but the vaccine for kennels added up) and this is not including kenneling the dog I usually take. I booked into a dog friendly hotel and was going to bring him with us to visit

I've now been told that he won't be allowed into my mums house when they're having a small party (about 8 people there including me and DP), even though their dog will be there, because they think my dog will attack everyone!!!

I offered to bring his cage and a muzzle and he can be in a corner or outside in the garden caged for about 3 hours, which would be the time we got there, had the small party and then left. I've been told no, he isn't allowed there at all

I can't afford to kennel and vaccinate(booster) him as well as paying what I am doing for all the others. I don't understand why my mum won't just let him be there for 3 hours in a cage, he won't be bothering anybody or hurting anybody or getting in the way or doing anything at all really! Sounds sad but he is like my baby, as my mums dog is to her, yet hers is allowed there and mine isn't (dogs have met before and are fine together) and I've been given no proper reason for it

I guess I am BU because it's her house so she can have in it who she likes, but surely after not seeing me for a year she could accept my caged dog to sit in her house for 3 hours?! I have nobody else to leave him with and as I said can't afford his kennel and vaccination, this has never been a problem before as they never all needed boosters at the same time or I took him with me. I just feel she's being tight by not allowing him there for such a short time, she doesn't even have to interact with him. Now I am going to have to cancel the whole thing Sad it would be another £80 to give him his booster and kennel him

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 16/10/2014 13:30

I would tell her that the arrangements were all in place as they have been for other visits and you'll need her to cover the booster/kennel costs because she changed the rules. Maybe I'm BU with that, but she seems odd if she has met your dog repeatedly and still thinks that he will maul everyone in sight.

TwinkleDust · 16/10/2014 13:32

Presumably you are travelling by car? Do they have off-road parking? Could you not leave dog caged safely in car with frequent checks for 3 hours?

sunflower49 · 16/10/2014 13:38

YANBU-this would really upset me.

My parents are 'sort of' dog people, but my dog (DP's dog really!) is a rescue who has never been trained and is difficult to have around. I've done my best with her but she's still a pest(no recall, always wants attention etc). She's large, but not a scrap of aggression in her.

I don't always take her when I visit, but sometimes I have to and my parent's accommodate her even though she's a pest. I really appreciate them for that.

It's very odd that they think your dog's aggressive when she's not. Are they able to hold a decent, adult conversation about it? Any reason? It seems like you're making an effort and they're not making any effort to accommodate you.
Tell her you really can't afford to come if you have to arrange accommodation for your dog, see what she say?

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 13:39

I could leave him in the car Twinkle, it would just ruin the night for me though as I would be so paranoid and running to check on him every 10 minutes :( sounds crazy but he has helped me through tough times and is like my baby

Might have to negotiate and do this though, just seems silly that she won't let him 10 yards out of the car into her garden Hmm

OP posts:
iwishiwasacat · 16/10/2014 13:39

I am not a dog person but I think your mother is being very unreasonable!

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 13:44

When I probe any more into why he isn't allowed to come she just blanks it or says 'the decision has been made'! Won't give a valid reason as to why

I guess my dogs breed makes him look vicious, he isn't a fan of being fussed and would rather go and chill in a corner and ignore everybody, according to my mum he's "a killer" because of this. She knows zero about dogs and is saying all this based on size/breed stereotypes

OP posts:
cherrybombxo · 16/10/2014 13:47

I can't stand people like that. I used to have a gorgeous Staffie and people would pull their kids closer or even cross the road when I walked her. She was the softest lump you'd ever meet, constantly wanted cuddles and belly rubs and wouldn't hurt a fly. Bad owners make bad dogs.

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 13:47

I might tell my mum what sunflower said - that I am making an effort and they aren't doing anything, and see what she says to that. She just keeps pinning the blame back on me though with "if you didn't have animals in the first place you wouldn't have this problem" Sad it wasn't a problem until she made it one

OP posts:
littlehayleyc · 16/10/2014 13:50

I agree with the others. Say that it's already all sorted and that if you can't bring the dog then you can't afford to come at all. Surely any reasonable parent would put seeing their child above the minor inconvenience of having the dog in the house for 3hrs!

Fudgeface123 · 16/10/2014 13:51

I wouldn't leave the poor thing in a car for that length of time, it's not fair on the dog.

Charitybelle · 16/10/2014 13:58

Look into dog sitters/walkers local to your mum?
Three hours will still cost you money, but not as much as vaccinations and kennelling.
I'm sorry I don't think you are BU, but it is your mums house and sounds like she doesn't like your dog. If she doesn't want him there it would BU of you to try and pressure her into having him there. Just accept that from now on family and dogs don't mix and make appropriate arrangements next time?
Oh, and if you want to be petty, next time your mum visits you, just tell her she can't bring her dog?

handcream · 16/10/2014 14:21

I am the biggest dog lover around, often stop people in the street to admire their dogs.

I also have a dog that makes some people nervous. I think you are being a bit precious over this. Someone has suggested that you leave the dog in the car, you say you would worry too much (why??) its the answer to this tbh, otherwise if you choose to have lots of pets expect to have to pay for this sort of thing.

I get rather irrirated when people assume my old dog will jump out at them ready to attack and maul them to death when she doesnt even bark when they ring the front door bell (and she is a guarding breed!) but some people are very funny over dogs just like I am over having a dog myself.

handcream · 16/10/2014 14:24

You could leave her in the car and once or twice take her for a quick walk. My dog often doesnt move from her spot by the patio door for 3 hours!

YackityYakYak · 16/10/2014 14:25

You might have been better off with a housesitter for that period of time, OP. I'll bet it would have worked out cheaper.

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 14:26

If I left him in the car I would worry that he would be hurting himself trying to get out, panicking, he could escape, someone might try to steal him, scared etc. It would also be late evening so dark. All those things apart from the scared aren't likely to happen but I still wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him there

Wouldn't be able to lock the car with him inside it as the alarms would go off. It would be parked next to the main road. He could hit the door with his foot and catch the handle and open it himself (he has done it before) quite easily and then run off and be lost or run over in a strange town to him

Quite negative things yes but realistically he could quite easily get out of an unlocked car

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 14:27

I looked into house sitters but I have 3 indoor cats (all disabled) and would be worried of them escaping if the house sitter wasn't careful enough with doors and windows

I know I am very paranoid Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 16/10/2014 14:29

i think that it's wrong of your mum to tell you at such short notice that you can't take him.

But i don't think that swbu in future to say no.

How do you decide to take this particular dog?

Perhaps they don't like this dog?

Could you take a different dog?

If not, cancel.

iwishiwasacat · 16/10/2014 14:29

I think it's a terrible idea to leave a dog in a car for 3 hours, you are right not to do that!

Could a friend look after him maybe?

diddl · 16/10/2014 14:32

Animals are a tie though & if you ever want to be able to go somewhere without any of them, you have to be able to afford to have them all looked after!

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 14:34

This is my 'favourite' and first dog - sounds mean to say that! Which is why he normally is the one to go with me. My other dog looks like a wolf so I think he would have even less chance of visiting my mum Smile she has never met that dog yet

OP posts:
EveDallasRetd · 16/10/2014 14:35

Don't leave the dog in the car - it gets too cold for them, he could escape, someone could try to steal him and he could get distressed.

Tbh love I just wouldn't go. The fact that this trip will cost you over £300, and your mum doesn't care enough about you to take that into account would be enough of a reason for me.

My parents aren't 'dog people' at all, but they know how important they are to me. When we visit the Mutt always comes, and they've even offered to 'babysit' for her so we can have days out etc. When I was fostering dogs they even invited them to their home if there was something planned - including RottDog who was a large bouncy barky pain in the arse.

Sorry about it mate, it sounds shit.

Reenskar · 16/10/2014 14:37

If you really are that worried, I'd say I'm really sorry but as I can't afford to kennel him too, I wont be able to come and ask them to visit you instead.

Doesn't seem worth the hassle!

I do think your mum is being v unreasonable and having dogs herself, I would have expected her to understand. Putting dog in garden is not a big ask, can't see where the problem is!

Nohootingchickenssleeping · 16/10/2014 14:37

Crated in the car? Put back seats down, warm blanket and check on him once or twice. The alarm isn't a motion sensor, it won't go off unless a door is opened.

diddl · 16/10/2014 14:39

Well I have a dog that I love, he's part of the family.

Not sure how I would feel about having other dogs to stay though.

but if it was a no, then it would be from the start!

ChippingInLatteLover · 16/10/2014 14:42

Why are you even going? I'm sorry, but your Mum doesn't sound very nice.