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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family visit and dog...

50 replies

Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 13:27

I probably am BU slightly, but it's annoying me

I haven't seen my family for nearly exactly a year now - I live at the other end of the country and so visiting is expensive and I work full time. I still talk to them on the phone regularly though.

I have a lot of pets and one of my dogs has gone with me each time I've visited. My family aren't dog people and because he's large they assume he will bite and kill them and the family terrier dog. He's never shown aggression to people or dogs, they just assume this because of his breed.

I booked my other animals into kennels, some needed booster vaccinations etc to be allowed in. I booked a hotel and worked out petrol money. It's about £350 total to go there for 1 night. (Wouldn't usually be so much but the vaccine for kennels added up) and this is not including kenneling the dog I usually take. I booked into a dog friendly hotel and was going to bring him with us to visit

I've now been told that he won't be allowed into my mums house when they're having a small party (about 8 people there including me and DP), even though their dog will be there, because they think my dog will attack everyone!!!

I offered to bring his cage and a muzzle and he can be in a corner or outside in the garden caged for about 3 hours, which would be the time we got there, had the small party and then left. I've been told no, he isn't allowed there at all

I can't afford to kennel and vaccinate(booster) him as well as paying what I am doing for all the others. I don't understand why my mum won't just let him be there for 3 hours in a cage, he won't be bothering anybody or hurting anybody or getting in the way or doing anything at all really! Sounds sad but he is like my baby, as my mums dog is to her, yet hers is allowed there and mine isn't (dogs have met before and are fine together) and I've been given no proper reason for it

I guess I am BU because it's her house so she can have in it who she likes, but surely after not seeing me for a year she could accept my caged dog to sit in her house for 3 hours?! I have nobody else to leave him with and as I said can't afford his kennel and vaccination, this has never been a problem before as they never all needed boosters at the same time or I took him with me. I just feel she's being tight by not allowing him there for such a short time, she doesn't even have to interact with him. Now I am going to have to cancel the whole thing Sad it would be another £80 to give him his booster and kennel him

OP posts:
Liberated71 · 16/10/2014 14:50

YANBU - don't go! The other guests and the other dog are clearly more important to your mum than you are. Sorry if that's blunt. Stay home and immerse yourself in the love of your animals

fourwoodenchairs · 16/10/2014 15:02

I can see both sides.

If I was you I wouldn't go.

diddl · 16/10/2014 15:02

If you can't take the dog but have no way of leaving it, then you can't go, unless you go alone.

so, you'll know that for another visit, ypu'll need to have them both kennelled/looked after.

Do your parents ever visit you?

VeryStressedMum · 16/10/2014 15:12

What breed is it? I wouldn't go in this case it's working out to be a fortune. Or just you go and dp stays with dog?

steff13 · 16/10/2014 15:16

Maybe I missed it, but why can't you leave him at the hotel in his crate while you're at your mom's? How big is this dog? It's weird that they just assume he's going to attack everyone, there must be some reason for that, is it really just his size?

getdownshep · 16/10/2014 15:22

My mum is not a dog lover and lives in a flat but she still makes my dogs welcome when we visit. I would never leave my dogs locked in the car either, they would be scared and I wouldn't be able to relax.
You have done all you can to accommodate your dms request, I wouldn't go tbh.

diddl · 16/10/2014 15:23

I'm wondering if they've never really wanted the dog there, but hoped that OP would take the hint when they said they were worried about it attacking?

OP why do you think that they aren't dog people though?

steff13 · 16/10/2014 15:28

OP why do you think that they aren't dog people though?

I wondered that, too. OP said her mom has a dog that's like her baby, it seems like she is a dog person.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I think you are BU. It's clear that you were aware your mom was not a fan of your dog, so I don't understand why you would have planned to bring him with you. If they don't want him around and you feel you can't leave him, then you're at an impass; you just don't go visit them, I guess.

diddl · 16/10/2014 15:32

Thinking on, I consider myself a dog person.

i love my dog & there are lots of other dogs that I like a lot & can see the appeal of.

Doesn't mean that I'd want them here, though!

steff13 · 16/10/2014 15:36

whoops, I forgot the "e" on impasse. I knew it looked wrong.

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 15:55

My mum isn't a dog person at all but loves her own dog. She knows NOTHING about dogs but because she has one she thinks she is the dog master. My dog is a rottweiler cross German shepherd, my other kenneled dog is a japanese akita inu

Technically I suppose I COULD afford to kennel both dogs, but after thinking about it and reading some replies it feels like I am indeed putting all the effort and money into this and my mum isn't appreciating that or coming to a compromise. I mean really, how dickish is she being to not let him be caged with a muzzle on in the flaming garden! That was my last compromise and she refused to even discuss it

Normally I can easily afford to kennel my animals but because all of them are due their boosters at the same time, which is £40 a pop, it has added up a lot. And this trip was quickly planned so not like I knew with time in advance to be able to schedule their boosters when I had more money, they need the booster or the kennel won't accept them

She invited me there and she has not visited me a single time since I moved out (2 and a half years), it's always me going to her and my dog has always gone with me. She knows how important he is to me and so surely she should let him sit in her house or garden for 3 hours in order to see her child who has paid crazy money to go there in the first place, instead of shoot every idea down without a reason and want me to pay more to kennel him

If I left him caged in the hotel room I am worried he would start barking or howling and not stop. He used to have separation anxiety at home which is now fixed, but in an unfamiliar place I wouldn't want to risk that coming back and me not being there to shut him up, this would be maybe 8-11pm that I would have to leave him so obviously I don't want him to wake up other hotel guests

Also regarding car alarm, someone said it wasn't a motion sensor. But if I am in the car and my bf pops into a shop and locks it, then the alarm goes off when I move, so pretty sure it is a motion sensor alarm inside it

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 15:56

I am 100% sure that if my dog was a terrier or a Labrador or a beagle etc then my mum would be more than happy to see it and accommodate it

OP posts:
diddl · 16/10/2014 16:01

"She knows how important he is to me and so surely she should let him sit in her house or garden for 3 hours in order to see her child who has paid crazy money to go there in the first place, "

i don't agree with that tbh, but I do think that she is very wrong to tell you at the last minute that you can't take him after you have made arrangements.

You really don't sound as if you like her very much tbh!

is it at all possible that she has never wanted the dog at her house?

gentlehoney · 16/10/2014 16:03

Could your BF (is that boyfriend or best friend?) stay at home with the pets?

Original poster
Iamcrapatnames99 · 16/10/2014 16:29

That might be the best idea thanks gentlehoney, my boyfriend could stay behind at home with them and I can get the train up. Just a shame that he will miss out on going. He was looking forward to the party thing but he probably won't mind staying behind (and having the tv remote to himself for once Grin )

OP posts:
CrabbyTheCrabster · 16/10/2014 16:39

Just don't go. If she's behaving like this towards you, why pay £350 to visit? Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/10/2014 16:45

Tbh I'd not bother going. Like hell I'd pay that amount for one sodding night for someone who can't budge an inch or even bother to visit me.

What you proposed with the cage is perfectly adequate and she's obviously saying no to point prove or be difficult.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 16/10/2014 16:46

She's unreasonable to leave it to the last minute to tell you, but she is totally not BU for not wanting another dog in her house, especially during a party.

DanyStormborn · 16/10/2014 16:52

They are being unreasonable. If they point blank didn't allow dogs in their house as you knew about this in advance fair enough (although a bit odd) but they have a dog and haven't given you enough notice that yours isn't allowed. I don't like that they are making assumptions based on his breed, personally I've been savaged by a small terrier type thing and my mum needed several stitches due to a small sausage dog yet I've met some lovely Staffies, German Sheppards and Rottweilers - I assess a dog on it's character when I meet it not on what it looks like or size. I would cancel this visit.

DizzyKipper · 16/10/2014 16:58

I'm with you OP. You're putting in a lot of money and effort to see her and it doesn't sound like she has any empathy for how much more difficult her refusal makes it for you. Personally I'd just shrug my shoulders and say oh well, I can't go then - but then I'm not particularly big on family visits. How much does visiting her and being at this party mean to you?

hoobypickypicky · 16/10/2014 17:01

I totally believe that it's "their home, their choice". I think you should accept that.

But I wouldn't want to leave my dog three hours in a crate anyway.

I definitely wouldn't leave my dog three hours in a car.

And I most positively wouldn't want to spend a second of my time with people who have stupid, groundless ideas about my dog's temperament so I'd call the whole thing off and spend my time with my (far nicer) dogs and other pets instead.

The family could shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Lasttimebaby · 16/10/2014 17:03

I think I would do the crate in the car idea. My sister does that when they go on hols in caravan and if they go in for a meal she puts crate in car, favourite blanket and a pigs ear. Leave window open a little also. Just check once in awhile.
Now I have a dog and we always kennel if going away and if we are going out for a day he is happy in his bed by the patio door . Feed him before we go , run around the garden and he will happily snooze all day listening to the transistor radio. I really don't want other people coming to my house with their dogs as I have had that before and I didn't like them yapping and running around our house. Our dog follows his rules but other dogs are hard work .

Nancery · 16/10/2014 17:09

I'm with the majority, your mum is being unreasonable. I watched a programme recently, Secret Life of Dogs, where someone from Lincoln University was saying that being anti certain breeds was the same as racism (he was saying how the Dangerous Dogs Act was a load of toss.)
Your dog sounds lovely!
Good luck

sonjadog · 16/10/2014 17:16

I would go for one of these three options:

  1. take dog and keep him in a crate in the car. Turn off the alarm so that he doesn't set it off. You will end up going out to check on him a few times, but it is only 3 hours and you and he will manage, even though it isn't exactly what you want. Stay overnight at a hotel where he can stay in your room.

  2. don't go. Do you really want to go at all?

  3. leave your boyfriend at home to look after the dogs and go alone.

Personally, I'd go for 1. My dog has stayed in the car when I am at social events many times. I go out and air him from time to time. It isn't a problem. I would never leave him in the car overnight though.

whois · 16/10/2014 17:23

I am not a dog lover. I wouldn't want a dog in the flat. But if some asked if they could leave their cages and muzzled gig on the balcony (no garden!) then I fail to see how I would have any objection.

I mean, it's safe and not inside? How is that a problem?

You're mum is being a bitch.

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