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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed when you ask someone to do something and they say 'Can you remind me?'

67 replies

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 12:58

I feel like saying 'no, I've just asked you - it's now your responsibility to remember!'. Example, my DD's friend accidentally took home my DD's school jumper so I texted her mum (a friend of mine) asking her if she could get her DD to bring the jumper into school tomorrow to give back to my DD. Got a txt back saying 'yes, but can you remind me tonight as I'm not at home.' Why should I have to remember to txt again later?? What if I forget - whose fault will it be if she then doesn't remember!

Sorry, I am over-playing it a little but it just got my goat (and I'm a bit hormonal).

OP posts:

Shopgirl1 · 16/10/2014 13:37

You are not being unreasonable in this scenario. I actually can't fathom how anyone could think you were.

vezzie · 16/10/2014 13:39

yanbu - you didn't ask a favour, you asked for them to make good their mistake.

Some people are brilliant at outsourcing responsibility. They are the type who say things like "ooh yes I'll walk with you, call for me on your way past" (so you have to stand in their hall for 15 minutes while their dcs arse about and refuse to find socks - so they don't have to take responsibility for leaving on time) and "What are you getting for her? Brilliant idea, let's go halves" and "you always have tissues ha ha ha ha you know what I'm like can I take some for later?" and so on and so on.

If I were you I would wriggle out of the reminding responsibility. Text back now saying "I'm busy later, won't be able to remind you but count this as the reminder ha ha! :)" (classic example of the PA smiley)

moggle · 16/10/2014 13:41

Yanbu, but if you actually want the jumper back tomorrow then i would just go ahead and remind her. Then she can go get the jumper, put it by the door or in the school bag and voila, all ready to go. Otherwise if she's a scatterbrain then it'll probably take a little while. Think that's just life unfortunately. People only have room in their brains for a certain amount...

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 13:46

MrsMcRuff -
Vezzie - you are so right about the outsourcing of responsibility!

OP posts:

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 13:49

Moggle - you are right, its just sometimes the little things annoy you intensely Will try and remember to txt later -

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 16/10/2014 15:40

So those of you who are saying IABU - if you borrowed something from someone, you are saying you would consider it the other person's responsibility to make sure they got the borrowed item back?

Not at all. I was simply saying that lots of people are very forgetful, especially when the request is a fairly casual one, and that if someone asks me to bring them something, I need reminding or I will forget. Now, you can rail against that and blame me all you want, but I will have still forgotten and you still won't have your item back.

Let me give you an example: three weeks ago, we needed our boiler fixing. The gas man phoned me around 2 pm to check if he could come by the following morning. I told him that I wouldn't be in but I would check if my husband could make himself available. I phoned my husband, he'd stay at home, no problem. I then completely forgot to phone the gas man back. This is despite being engaged in a task that specifically involved liaising with the gas man to arrange a visit. Fortunately, the gas man prompted me at 8 pm that night, to see if I had made arrangements. He was under no obligation to do so, but it suited both of us that he bit his tongue and chased me up.

HereComesYourMam · 16/10/2014 16:29

YANBU - it really bugs me when people ask you to remind them about things that should be their responsibility. Not only does it put the onus on you to remember for them, but I resent the implication that you somehow have more headspace than they do - ie the stuff you have going on in your life is not as important as theirs.

milkpudding · 16/10/2014 17:05

Yanbu

Yes, it is annoying when someone shifts responsibility onto you, and in doing so suggests that your request is less important than whatever is filling their head.

In this example, your friend could put the jumper in the school bag/ car tonight ready for tomorrow, set a reminder on her phone, leave it by the door.... But instead she makes it your responsibility!

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 20:44

Maidofstars - good job you have lots of people around who accommodate your 'forgetfulness' otherwise you would be in a right old pickle. I cant be doing with having to remember stuff for other people, I have enough shit of my own to think about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 20:46

Oh and the gas man has probably had enough bad experiences (and wasted visits/money) with forgetful people which is why he rang to check!

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 16/10/2014 20:47

YABU

Ok it's a bit of a pain, but it's not that important to DD's friends mum. It is important to you, so the onus is on you to get it back.

MaidOfStars · 16/10/2014 20:58

Why did you put 'forgetfulness' in quotation marks? Just because my head isn't wired the same as yours and I can literally forget things a minute after being reminded doesn't mean I'm lazy or owt.

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 21:24

Maidof - I think if there were more consequences of your forgetfulness, it may make you more focused! For example, if gas man turned up and you had forgotten to make arrangements but he charged you £60 call out fee - you might remember next time ...

OP posts:

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 21:27

Bowlersarm - I disagree that the onus should be on me to get it back. Her DD took it, she should return it - basic principles here!

OP posts:

NutcrackerFairy · 16/10/2014 21:34

YANBU.

I actually think this Mum is a bit lazy and self centred.

If her DD took the jumper she can bloody well make it her priority to get it back to you.

It would really wind me up to be asked to text a reminder. Does she think you are her PA or something

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 21:47

Nutcracker - you've hit the nail on the head! She does make me feel like her PA at times. I just don't buy the whole 'I'm much busier than you/you're stuff is not as important as mine/oh, I'm so forgetful it's your fecking responsibility to remind me' arguments. And as for the view that if someone takes something belonging to you it's then your responsibility to ensure they give it back - that attitude just stinks!

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 16/10/2014 22:03

I get your principle, but at the age of 37, I've had enough time to 'learn' how to not be a scatterbrain. And if I can't remember to phone the gas man back straight after I've talked to my husband about the gas man and how I have to phone him back, I think I'm a lost cause. It's all very well threatening consequences to 'train me' but my head simply doesn't work to hold random info like 'Can you bring that book I lent to you?'. I have coping mechanisms, of course, and I leave notes for myself or pack that book into my bag as soon as I remember, even if it's 3am, because I won't remember at 8am. But I feel disproportionately pleased if I remember at all, 3am or not. I appreciate this seems like easy shit for others, but I am tragically bad at it.

I can't put a figure on how many 'leftover lunches' have been left in the fridge the morning after. At least 90% of them, probably more.

I can remember anything I've ever learned academically, I could reel off eight hundred genetic disorders exaggeration and tell you what any image in my lab record for the last fifteen years shows without looking at my notes. I can recall names from a lifetime ago and my earliest memory was when I was about two.

I just don't remember what happened five minutes ago

Permanentlyexhausted · 16/10/2014 22:05

Well, hark at all the perfect people on here who never need reminding about something. Of course it is the other lady's responsibility to return it but totally a bit ridiculous to stand on ceremony and get so irritated about being asked to remind her. Presumably you're not actually that bothered about how soon you get it back then!

Bowlersarm · 16/10/2014 22:05

Well don't bother to remind her OP. it's your loss, not hers.

Original poster

Canshopwillshop · 16/10/2014 22:16

Maid of - you do sound like a scatty mare - think you are generally the exception though.
Permanently - I'm certainly not perfect and I was only slightly irritated (hormone related as explained) until I came on here. I have only had to 'stand on ceremony' to rail against some of the replies on here!
Bowlers arm - thanks, lovely attitude! You obviously don't get the bigger picture here.

Off to bed now.

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 16/10/2014 22:19

you do sound like a scatty mare
There is a joke at work that when someone is talking to me, they ask whether 'this stuff is just falling out of the back of your head'.

I'm nice! But yes, scatty.

Permanentlyexhausted · 16/10/2014 23:22

Tbf, I do ask people to remind me about things they've just told/asked me quite a bit. Before anyone criticises, let me explain.

As well as working full time, I am a Brownie leader. I don't get to take my children to school very often but when I do I am invariably accosted by 5 or 6 (different) parents asking me to email them something, or bring a form because they can't print it out, or telling me they won't be there, or that they're coming on a trip, or that they'll be late, or picked up by someone else, or have I seen such and such that might have got left behind last week, etc., etc. I'm not in the playground to run my unit. I'm there, like everyone else, because I'm taking my children to school. My head is filled with kid stuff - have they got their PE kit, lunches, forms, tuck money, homework, musical instruments? I'm sure each parent thinks they are just asking Brown Owl one tiny thing. But for me it isn't one tiny thing; it's quite a lot of tiny things, some of which just go in one ear and out of the other. Sometimes I get home from the school run and know that someone told me something but I can't remember who it was as I've now spoken to 20 different mums in the playground.

Is it unreasonable of me to suggest that some of these parents remind me about what they've just told me? Or, as running the unit is my responsibility, should the onus be on me to remember every message I've been given?

(That was quite long - it's obviously more of a bugbear than I thought it was!)

YonicScrewdriver · 16/10/2014 23:26

Op, YANBU.

Permanently, YANBU.

FraidyCat · 16/10/2014 23:27

It's very simple: if you ask someone verbally, then they have to take some admin action (such as put it in their calendar) to make sure they don't forget. Even if they're organised enough to intend to do that, they could get interrupted in the next 10 seconds before they do it, and forget. If you send them an email, then it stays in their in-tray as a reminder, until they've done it.

So don't ever ask for anything that matters verbally.

Compared to a message, a verbal request is a huge imposition. Not only does it put the onus on the person you want something from to do the admin involved with making the request non-forgettable, but by walking up to them or phoning them you've hijacked their time and attention for your own convenience. Sending a message let's them receive your communication when it's convenient for them.

Mascaramascara1 · 16/10/2014 23:35

I think YABU.

She didn't text 'Well if you want to see the jumper again you'd best remind me or I'll not bother'. She text a very polite request to remind her later because she was out.

Not text related, but in a work scenario I ask people to email me a 'reminder' all the time. I manage a very large team of people...I could have up to 20 people a day approach me and make a small and simple request/tell me something to be remembered - to check a letter for them in the morning before they post it, to email security to remind them about visitors we have due, that they're taking Friday morning off, that they need me to complete a reference.

I could get asked something when I'm on my way in, or out, or by the coffee machine or on the way to a meeting. Cat in hells chance i'll remember everything. If it's not in my email inbox, it doesn't get done.

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