My sister.

[Spaceboundeminem]

I am looking for somewhere to vent as some people might know I have a lot of involvement in my dsis age 13 care. I take her to and from school she spends the weekend at mine and sometimes sleeps over during the week.

I have just got back off holiday to find that my mother who was looking after dog gave my sister access to my house.

She threw a house party I got home to discover all my alcohol gone including a bottle of expensive champagne given as a wedding present.

My house is a pig sty, there are empty cans and bottles everywhere. My house stinks of smoke.

I drove the friends that remained home. Dsis is extremely drunk so I have put her to bed now with a sick bucket.

I know it sounds selfish but I am recovering from a year long psychotic depression I have one child with severe autism one with suspected as and adhd and one with a speech delay.

I don't know whether to scream or cry.

Definitely step back, your sister is unwell, undoubtedly, but she is using you, and your mother is unbelievable. Change your locks (do not assume that they haven't got keys cut) and do not give any of them keys.

Letting your sister stay at your house so much means that no-one is having to address all the underlying issues - the parent-daughter relationship, and your mother's ability as a parent. Perhaps agree she can spend half a day with you at weekends, with clear boundaries. Although after what she has done I don't think you would be wrong to ban her from your house. Please do not take her to school, or anything else she wants you to do, this is not your responsibility. You need to look after your own health, and your children.

Tell SS about what happened. I think in this situation you need to step right back, and actually allow things to get worse, before the right (professional) support can be put in place. Sadly this may mean she is removed from your Mum's care.

Please look after yourself.

Why does she need taking to school?

I am going to go slightly against some of the views on here, and say that I think that this is at least 50% your mum's responsibility - she is the adult who is not parenting her own child.

If I were you, I would be expecting your mum to repay all the costs involved in replacing the alcohol and cleaning up the mess - after all, she caused it by letting your sister have the key to the house, and not supervising what she and her friends were up to.

Maybe if she has to face some actual consequences for her lax parenting, she might shape her ideas up a bit! She clearly cannot see that she is damaging both her daughters by her poor parenting, so maybe she needs to get hit where it will hurt - in the pocket, and that might bring home to her the fact that she is responsible for her child and her child's actions.

I would also be expecting your sister to help with the clean up, I would be stopping overnight visits, and I would want the names and phone numbers of all the other children involved - if one of mine were involved in trashing someone's house, as CheerfulYank said, they would be round at your house, hangover or no, cleaning until you were satisfied, whilst I apologised to you in shame.

I also agree you should change your locks - if they are Yale locks, you can change the lock barrel, rather than having to change the whole thing - which is easier and cheaper (and I believe there are videos on the web showing you how to do it yourself - I know dh has done it in the past, and found it very easy).

It doesn't sound like your mum will step up but I think you are in an impossible situation where you can't fix your sister's life without actually taking over her parenting completely.

I think stepping back will be tough but you need to do it.

Bit shocked at some of the comments on here. The sister is 13! She is still a child!

Yes, she's been naughty, and she should be punished as a child is punished (grounded, made to clear up etc) but it's the responsibility of the adults around her to make sure that they know where she is and what she is doing. A house party like this with 13 year olds isn't just a bit of silliness - it's dangerous. Kids that age have no idea where their limits are with alcohol, and could easily drink far too much and be extremely unwell, or do something stupid and get injured. Your mother sounds like she completely lacks judgement and authority, and perhaps rather than asking you to bear the cost of this, she should take some parenting lessons herself.

She isn't a naughty child. She's over the age of criminal responsibility and sounds like a teen who does not respect boundaries or other peoples possessions and wants her DSis to run her around despite trashing the house. She needs to start accepting some degree of responsibility and show contrition
Agree her DM sounds useless!

I think your mum bears most of the responsibility- she gave your Dsis the key and allowed the party (even if she didn't know beforehand).

And both of them should be cleaning up and paying.

If your sister is taken away, would they look to you to have her?