My sister.

[Spaceboundeminem]

I am looking for somewhere to vent as some people might know I have a lot of involvement in my dsis age 13 care. I take her to and from school she spends the weekend at mine and sometimes sleeps over during the week.

I have just got back off holiday to find that my mother who was looking after dog gave my sister access to my house.

She threw a house party I got home to discover all my alcohol gone including a bottle of expensive champagne given as a wedding present.

My house is a pig sty, there are empty cans and bottles everywhere. My house stinks of smoke.

I drove the friends that remained home. Dsis is extremely drunk so I have put her to bed now with a sick bucket.

I know it sounds selfish but I am recovering from a year long psychotic depression I have one child with severe autism one with suspected as and adhd and one with a speech delay.

I don't know whether to scream or cry.

I would be FUMING, with DSIS, and DM to lesser extent. Responsibility lies with DSIs.

DD1 is 12, so not that much younger. The trouble she would be in if she pulled that stunt!

Make sure there are consequences for your Dsis. Cleaning up to required level is probably the most apt consequence.

(What a little bitch)

I have a 14 yr old sister, there would be utter hell to pay from her parents and me if she was ever that disrespectful.

I'd have been having serious words with the pair of them.

Jesus. Your Dsis is out of control, she's a danger to herself. Is she getting any professional help already? She needs it.
I'm sorry about your house (I'd be so upset to return to this), but at least that's all fixable. Next time get someone else to dog sit, or use kennels.
I don't know what to advise about the situation with your Dsis and your mum. Do you think Dsis might have an un diagnosed ASD? I've a dd with an ASD, and it runs on both sides of our family.

Your sister is a child at risk as she's not parented.

Your dm sounds hopeless and lazy and shoving her responsibilities off on you.

Poor you and poor poor sister.

Agree MrsD can you get SS involved?

Ss.

And have her clean up, and get her friends to help her. I don't know what the other kids' parents are like but if it had been my DC they'd be there scrubbing with their hangovers while I groveled apologetically at your feet.

It sounds like there is a huge back story here. Have SS been involved in the past?

I'm not surprised you're furious.

Ss are already involved. My sister has CAHMS and counselling, a support worker and a school counsellor.

I attend most of her appointments, because she won't allow my mother too. I will def be mentioning this.

Whatever help your sister is getting isn't working if she behaves like this.
It isn't fair on you or your children who have to come first.
Time for you to step back.

Definitely step back. And if you're there won't parent your sister and have words for doing this of your house, I think you should be lookin to you mother to pay back the money for the damage / theft.

Your sister should clean it all up and I'd let her know how much she's damaged your trust.

Thanks all she is really taking the biscuit now I said I can't take her to school today as the kids went to bed late and have opticians appointments at 10:00 and 10:20.

She knows all this yet I wake up to 5 missed calls and ten texts asking me to get the kids up and take her to school.

She managed fine for the two nights I was on holiday.

It sounds like both your dm and dsis have become used to you picking up the pieces and doing a lot of the parenting. I think the only thing you can do is step back. Your dm should be the parent. It is unfair that this amount of responsibility falls on your shoulders and gets completely abused. They are both showing you a complete lack of respect, they are completely taking the piss.

Stand your ground, do not take her to school and stick to your arrangement for her paying you back.

Yes she is taking the piss!
Stand firm. Ignore the texts.
Your DC need you to put them first and you need to look after yourself too.
As you said she got to school when you were away so she can do it. No need for you to take her

You need to do what your DM won't - that is set boundaries and make them clear to your sister. If she won't believe spoken ones then get them written (if necessary get her to sign a copy to show she has seen them).
Then stick by the rules, pretty rigidly. (Exceptions only for really exceptional circumstances.)

Make sure breaches have consequences.

Good luck!

So she gets drunk, trashes your house and then rings 5 times demanding a lift when you've said you can't?! She sounds very entitled. Definitely agree you need to stand your ground and start saying no to her and your Mum. I can understand your being worried about her but ultimately she's not your responsibility.

You are not her Mother! You have your own children to worry about and your Mothers inadequacy as a parent should not mean that you have to become your Sisters guardian in this way. Self harming is very sad and she clearly has problems but it is not an excuse to behave with such disrespect.

I would be telling your Mother that you can't carry on like this (you can't you know, you will go potty)

Thanks all I really do need to step back for my own sanity.

Tell the school
About the party and the shenanigans and make sure the attendees are punished and are made to reimburse you.

Call SS, you need guidance and support here.

Wake your sister up, cold shower, then get her cleaning.

Call ss

Are her friends also 13? What on earth did their parents say?

I'm staggered that other young kids would have been allowed to be involved in this.

Get the key back from your mum: her privileges need curbing too - she's not earned the right to have it.

Make sure when everything is replaced it is of equal or better quality (no Aldi champagne...sorry Aldi).

Alternative arrangements need to be made, by your mum, for transport etc.

Switch off your phone & stand your ground.

In future, be a DSis; not a surrogate parent! Really really difficult I know. I understand the emotional hold DSis can have. You're doing great and your dc will appreciate it!

Bloody hell!!! It sounds like everyone knows the back story and I don't but I would have gone no contact for a few months years until I calmed down and stopped wanting to murder someone.

You are a lovely, LOVELY person OP.

Thanks all I will do as you suggest. I will also hope social services do their job and my mother either steps up or my sister is removed.

It's very easy.

You tell your sister to clean the mess up and refund anything stolen from you or you'll report it to the police, including naming any of her friends you know were involved. And mean it.

You tell your mother to parent her own bloody child and refuse to be guilt-tripped into doing her job for her.

You contact SS and inform them of your mother's lack of parenting and your sister's behaviour and tell them that in future they will have to communicate directly with mother and sister as this is not your responsibility.

You immediately get back your key from mother and/or sister.

After she's cleaned up you tell your sister that she isn't welcome in your home again until and unless you genuinely feel that she has learned to respect it and you. And mean it. Ditto your mother.

You find a reliable professional dog-sitter for future absences from home.

You change your phone numbers so that your mother can't contact you with the expectation that you'll parent her child for her - that includes attending SS/CAHMS meetings. The child doesn't get to decide who attends. That's the parent's job.

I'd be asking the other parents whose children attended the party to replace the alcohol. At the end of the day it is stealing so I would want it replaced and an apology.

I agree with ticktock. I would want them cleaning up too. Make sure their parents know what happened.