Another hen do one

[dingdongdonna]

SIL1 getting married early next year. SIL2 (her sister) has organised hen do. Just been told its 2 nights at a hotel with a spa that it will cost each person £200 just for 2 nights the hotel, spa use, a 30 min facial and one glass of bubbly. The cost has been calculated to include everyone else paying for the bride's experience.

Not included are: Food, drinks, travel to the hotel (either £60 return train or at the very least 4 hours' driving on a Friday night as am in London), travel for a night out in a v expensive town and of course any other fancy dress or whatever items we are expected to bring.

2 issues with this:

1. I can strictly afford it but that doesn't mean that that is what I want to spend quite a substantial portion of my money on... especially as I literally don't know anyone going except SILs and I don't really find spas in groups of 20 relaxing or fun. I wasn't ever asked if I could afford this; I think they just assumed I could due to my job. I have also already said I am available that weekend (confirmed before was told plan). AIBU to not want to go due to the price even if I can strictly afford it and am free that weekend - ie is it my duty to go as its SIL1?

1. Nothing has been said about rooms. I don't want to share with anyone I don't know and I find sharing rooms generally awkward anyway so don't want to pay so much money for something I would hate. I appreciate that I haven't yet managed to get an answer from SIL2 on this, so not sure if it is just a pointless worry, but if it does turn out to be the case, how do I handle asking SIL2 to get me a separate room? Especially as I really don't want to pay any more money than what has already been quoted!!

I would most certainly not spend £200 on that. I did the same thing for my SIL for £60 a person in April. In your shoes I would decline the room/2 nights and go for the day to show willing - you can pay your own entry cost and decide on your treatments/or not.

I had a separate room for a do and said breezily "The days of me bunking up are long gone, so no room sharing for me thank you, besides I am a snorer"

YANBU
Other peoples weddings and celebrations should not be at significant expense to others, though it is becoming increasingly the norm to go to these ridiculous stag and / or hen do's.
Tell SIL that it's too much money for you at the moment. Just that. It would be my idea of hell.

Whatever happened to a pub crawl and curry?

How close are you with sil? i'm not close with mine so i would politely decline but if you have a good relationship usually it may be easier to go along with it to avoid any bad feeling?

YANBU not to want to go by the way, I didn't explicitly say that did I!

YANBU to decline if you dont want or cant afford to go. YANBU to want your own room. YANBU to think that it is a lot of money for what it is.

YABU to have expected to have been consulted in the plans and potential costs etc. This is what the bride (presumably) wants to do. So this is what she is doing. Consulting the 20 guests beforehand as to what each person wants then results in somethinf that the bride doesnt want - and its her plans.

Simply decline if you do not wish to attend.

Bold: QueenofallIsee - thanks. I like the idea of just going for the day. It's quite far away though so I'd be looking at about 6 hours' driving or 4.5 hours on a train in one day just to show willingness.

I'm 27 - maybe i'm getting old but sharing rooms with people you don't know is a bit "teenage" isn't it?

YANBU - hen dos have gone mad!

My hen do was held at my mum's, we made huge jugs of cocktails with everyone bringing a bottle of "something" and pooling them, BBQ and buffet food (sooo much foooood!) and then daft games - building wedding dresses out of toilet roll etc. Those who wanted to go home either car shared or jumped on the last train, most of us slept on loads of blow up beds in the lounge - it was so good that the stags crashed cause they were jealous. Total cost per person? A bottle of booze. And everyone said it was the best night ever

Totally get the room sharing thing. On my hen I had to share with two girls, I had no idea what the plan was and had just got back from a massage. Then I had to get ready to go out, both girls were incredibly selfish and hogged the hair dryer and shower then the mirror. I ended up looking ten times worse than I normally do on a normal day which on your hen is a bit off. I was still trying to do something with my hair and half dressed when everyone came into our room to celebrate with bubbly.

I am too old and too spoilt to share a room with a stranger- I also have a (TMI) weird thing where I cannot use the loo if anyone can hear me (I am not a complete loon, honest)..so I just brazen it out in the manner of a diva

Bold: Prettylittlemitty not v close, but DH is v close to his sisters - they talk on phone a lot and text all the time etc so might be considered a snub...

Bold: ThinkIveBeenHacked - I appreciate the point, but because it's DH's family I feel like I'm expected to go and, therefore, don't really have as easy a get out as many people who will be invited. So whilst I agree that they cant consult everyone on price if the bride wants it, a bit of consideration would be nice. I am particularly surprised about it because SIL1 and all her friends have a public sector job and are forever moaning (and recently...striking!) that their wages are crap!

Do you have the kind of job where a 'work thing' could pop up to prevent you from being able to get away after all.

I would speak to your DH first and explain what you've said to us. Then contact SIL2 and say that you can't make it but would appreciate the time she has put in and that they need a share of yours towards the bride: If they are asking 200 and there are 20 of you doing then the bit going toward the Bride is what, 15 not including her drinks etc: offer a bit more as a goodwill gesture so that noone is out of pocket and do it as soon as possible so they only lose the deposit not the balance.

No way would I spend that much money, even if I could afford It (I can't!)

Make your polite refusal now.

YANBU people who plan hens or any other event need to realise that not everybody can afford it/will want to go.

As an aside you don't need to put Bold: when you want to bold something. A * at either end with no space will do.

Could you comprimise and say that you cannot afford the whole weekend but that you will join them there for the day? I really wouldnt want to go either but at least this way they wont feel snubbed.

I don't go to any hen do that last longer than one evening. It's rude of the hen to think other people have nothing better to do that give up a whole weekend and spend that amount IMO

Hen dos are mental!!! With mine I made sure that those who came to the day part only had to pay £20 per head (including an early evening meal in a nice restaurant) then for those that wanted an evening out we got ready at friends house, and it was an extra £10 per head to hire a VIP section in a club, including 2 drink each.... Then I got DH to pick us up and drive everyone to their homes at 2am! That way it only cost £30 for the whole thing and took up 1 day.... And people had the option just to come for the day or just the evening or both.

I CANNOT STAND this 'whole weekend away and £100-200+ And paying for the bride' craze!! I find it pretty arrogant tbh...

For one of my oldest friends I had to pay £100 up front and I ended up being in hospital so couldn't go. I didn't bring up the fact that I'd paid (even though I was skint) because I knew the costs were being shared around...but I was a bit that the bride has never even acknowledged the fact that I spent £100 on nothing, and certainly never even entertained the idea of a refund, partial or otherwise.....(if it were me personally I would feel awful about it and do whatever I could to refund the cost, but maybe that's just me because I feel uncomfortable with imposing on other people...??)

Just a thought, but if you don't want to go - and I would say the spa thing isn't my thing, rather than say anything about the cost (which is excessive to my mind) - could you ask the bride to be if she'd like to do something else with you on another occasion instead? You could go for a meal or visit somewhere together instead.

That way you cannot be accused of snubbing the bride.

I would seriously only spend that kind of money on something I really wanted to do. I really don't get that someone who may not go might still contribute to covering the cost of the bride's weekend.

Hen dos are horrid at the best of times and I object on principle to this craze for ridiculously expensive weekends away. It's selfish and entitled.

Agree with your DH that you aren't going to go so that you have a united front and then just politely say that you are very sorry, but you just won't be able to make it. You hope they all have a lovely time and can't wait for the wedding. Look a bit sad about it if you can manage :)

I find it astonishing that people organise something like this and just assume that friends and/or family members can afford it or want to do it. It can put people in a difficult position and can cause ill-feeling amongst even the closest of friends.
The suggestion about going just for the day is a good one, if you're comfortable telling sil that's what you would prefer to do.
I would definitely air my views about sharing a room and I wouldn't feel embarrassed about saying it's because I just don't want to.

Thank god most of my friends are already married, quite frankly.

I've been on several hen dos - some are what Ilike doing and some are what I hate. But the hen is my friend and it's not all about me. I teach my children that they have to sometimes do things they don't want to for the sake of other people and the same applies to me.

If you genuinely can't afford it or if the bride will genuinely not mind, then it's ok to decline. Otherwise, I think you need to plaster a smile on and get on with it.

I had the exact same situation, except I wasn't quite so close to the bride. Fortunately, I had just lost my job, so I was able to decline on money reasons. But it was far too much money, even if I had been working.

And don't forget all the other outlay, wedding outfit, gift, hotel room... Someone else wedding costing you up to 500 quid? That's a cheap sun holiday!!!

Just out of interest, what does your DH say about it all? Does he know that (including the extra drinks/travel etc etc) it's going to cost you the best part of £500 to go on his sister's hen do?

£500 which could, of course, be spent on a weekend for you and your DH instead.

I think, on balance, I'd go with "Oh I didn't know it would be a spa. Sorry, I don't do spas- but I'd love to go out for a meal with you another time. I hope you have a great time."

YANBU, BIL's stag cost that much and we simply couldn't afford it. I think it's a heinous amount for a stag or hen and very inconsiderate for them to have not even asked what would be affordable for everyone.