Another hen do one

[dingdongdonna]

SIL1 getting married early next year. SIL2 (her sister) has organised hen do. Just been told its 2 nights at a hotel with a spa that it will cost each person £200 just for 2 nights the hotel, spa use, a 30 min facial and one glass of bubbly. The cost has been calculated to include everyone else paying for the bride's experience.

Not included are: Food, drinks, travel to the hotel (either £60 return train or at the very least 4 hours' driving on a Friday night as am in London), travel for a night out in a v expensive town and of course any other fancy dress or whatever items we are expected to bring.

2 issues with this:

1. I can strictly afford it but that doesn't mean that that is what I want to spend quite a substantial portion of my money on... especially as I literally don't know anyone going except SILs and I don't really find spas in groups of 20 relaxing or fun. I wasn't ever asked if I could afford this; I think they just assumed I could due to my job. I have also already said I am available that weekend (confirmed before was told plan). AIBU to not want to go due to the price even if I can strictly afford it and am free that weekend - ie is it my duty to go as its SIL1?

1. Nothing has been said about rooms. I don't want to share with anyone I don't know and I find sharing rooms generally awkward anyway so don't want to pay so much money for something I would hate. I appreciate that I haven't yet managed to get an answer from SIL2 on this, so not sure if it is just a pointless worry, but if it does turn out to be the case, how do I handle asking SIL2 to get me a separate room? Especially as I really don't want to pay any more money than what has already been quoted!!

Please can we start a trend for saying NO to:

1. ridiculously expensive fads such as paying for the bride
2. using up hundreds of pounds of other people's money BEFORE even thinking about the cost of attending a wedding and taking a gift?

Make it cheap or don't have one, that's my motto!

I'm so sick of people equating the amount of money you're willing to spend with how much you like them.

OP, please just say

1. Sorry I can't make it. Have a great time though! and send something via Interflora for about 30 quid.
2. Or just say you can't make it and have a great time and don't send something via Interflora

Really, this expensive hen do and paying for the bride mularkey has snowballed out of control unless we all make it massively unfashionable and start a big trend of refusing.

I mean when did a wedding invite mean hundreds of pounds on a hen do, including paying for the bride who is just about to be treated to a nice wedding, loads of presents and cash and honeymoon anyway, BEFORE having to pay for overnight hotel accommodation AND a wedding gift, plus travel costs and possibly child care? You'll need a bank loan soon just to share someone's "special day".

Any anyone who takes offence because you didn't spend enough money on them is an arsehole anyway so let's stop trying to impress them and stop being afraid of what they might think of us if we dare to just say NO.

NO!

As you were.

PS Do not get me started on weddings abroad.

Hi all - thanks for your responses.

MY DH does know about my views and he doesn't think IABU - but he is reluctant to commit to saying it's outrageous or that I shouldn't go because I think he is a bit worried about causing too much fuss IYSWIM.

I think I will go with the majority here and say its the spa that is the killer for me as I just don't like them. Then maybe I could take the two SILs out for a girly meal or something a few weeks before to show I care...

Missbattleaxe - LOVE your idea. Yes - let's start the trend and nip this all in the bud once and for all.

You're so right about the costs escalating. It's a family wedding so DH and I are forking out for 2 nights in the hotel for the wedding so we can help out the night before and then stay on the wedding night. We're also forking out a tank of petrol each way just for the wedding, on top of a wedding present (DH wants to buy them an entire stocked wine fridge - don't worry, he was told in no uncertain terms where to shove that) and child care.

I am feeling very indignant now, reading all these, so am going to say NO!!

I very, very, very much agree with MissBattleaxe. It is bloody outrageous to expect people to spend that much money on indulging your preferences!

Just. Say. No.

Why are hen do's so extravagant nowadays? I would decline. I also had a friend who was into girlie weekends away all the time. If I have spare money me and dp do stuff together but it was a snub to say no.

There's no need to worry about what the host will think. So many people end up spending hundreds of pounds they don't have just so that they don't "offend". Bollocks to it.

"I can't afford it"
"I can't do the hen and the wedding, only one of them"
"We're saving for a yacht/shed/tin of beans"
"It's too far, I've got work on Monday, see you at the wedding"
"No thanks, not my scene, but have fun and I'll see you at the wedding."
"No thanks, I've got a diary clash"
" Sorry the dates don't work for me, see you at the wedding."

Bingo! you are hundreds of pounds better off!

Fuck that. Say your really sorry but you can't make it, but you would love to take SIL out for a meal to make up for it.

I see your point whois, but nobody has to make up for anything. If you don't want to spend a good few hundred quid on a weekend you don't fancy you don't even have to apologise or make up for it.

(although I did mention Interflora upthread- I think that was the last of my need to over-compensate leaving my body!)

I went on a hen do last year, it was one of my best friends and I could afford it but bloody hell it was expensive, weekend in Edinburgh so flights, apartment, afternoon tea, night out etc ... most of it was paid for in advance in dribs and drabs but then a surprise activity was sprung on us once we were there, plus taxis, food, drinks etc ... when I totted it all up it came to over £400!

And yeah, I had to share not just a room but a bed with someone I knew but really not very well ... I spent both nights perched on the edge of the bed as far away from the other girl as possible and absolutely paranoid that I'd snore or something. I've never really liked sharing double beds with anyone (even DH! We always joke about getting separate beds!) and I was pretty annoyed, I knew I was sharing in advance but thought it would be twin beds!

So after all of that, yanbu.