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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I am invited to the wedding

45 replies

sunflower49 · 15/10/2014 03:36

This is a pretty trivial one I know, but I'd like opinions because I'm interested.

When I was a student I met a guy through friends. We became fairly close, chatted online a lot whilst we studied, he used to come round to my house for drinks and gatherings and stuff, we went out for drinks usually with other people too though, saw him at least once a week. But never alone together, never any romance or anything just friends. Pretty typical studenty life we both had.

He met a girl and we saw less of one another naturally, then. I met her at an event once and she was fairly 'off' with me really thinking about it, just little things like disagreeing with most things I said in conversation. Few dirty looks. But I tried to be personable and talked to her and was interested in getting to know her. Was happy my long-time single friend had met someone.

I didn't hear much from him after that at all, then we were all invited to the same gathering for a friend's birthday a couple of years ago, and at the event we all sat together, me and my DP and those two, and others-she seemed okay with me.

Then but later on when she'd had a bit to drink(which may or may not have been relevant) she asked me a pretty inappropriate question about something. I am quite easygoing,will usually chat about anything but this was really personal, and I laughed it off, but said to her that I didn't want to discuss it really here, at a table with 8 other people and that I'd send her a fb message about it later. We weren't friends on facebook, I'd friend requested her when I'd first met her but she hadn't accepted. At the time I'd thought fair enough , she doesn't know me well.

And I did msg her explaining, and she read it straightaway, you can tell when someone's read a message on facebook because facebook highlights it. I friend requested her again at this point (and this is a few years after the first request) and she rejected it immediately. I don't place a lot of importance on facebook at all, but I find this significant as I know she does,and we have lots of mutual friends, and why reject straightaway when you know the other person would probably be still online, thus would see it?

Now I am invited to their wedding,me and a plus one. It's due to be in January. I feel as if she obviously doesn't like me very much, and my friend who I've not really seen in years due to him meeting her, is really shy and not likely to be the kind to ask specifically for her to invite me, plus we're not close any longer, so I don't think It's that.

I'm curious as to what others think.

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 15/10/2014 04:00

I would just say no and not waste any time thinking about it.

rootypig · 15/10/2014 04:03

Gracious, haven't a clue (no snark intended - really, it seems to defy explanation).

Don't go. Partly because there's no point and partly because it may be part of a dastardly RL Stine type plot

FlowersForAlgernon · 15/10/2014 04:04

I would assume he doesn't have enough friends to make up the numbers and that's why he's inviting you :)

But I wouldn't go unless I actually liked going to weddings and it was convenient etc.

Darkandstormynight · 15/10/2014 04:06

I may be way off but I think it's her way of telling you, "I won, I got him". She's jealous of you, I think.

Original poster

sunflower49 · 15/10/2014 04:21

rooty I'm scared, now!

flowers in all seriousness It's possible isn't it.

Dark not saying you're wrong but, do people really do this?! I suppose they do. I never wanted him! I don't think he ever wanted me, he never even hinted at it at all, we just had a nice time together and were friends. Same as any other friends I have. Weird.

OP posts:

Darkandstormynight · 15/10/2014 04:31

Ordinarily I wouldn't think so, but you saying that she was cool with you, kept disagreeing with you, and especially the dirty looks! Fwiw, he might have liked you more than you liked him and he told her?

I certainly wouldn't have done it, but just from what you've written it just sounds like she might still see you as a threat? Honestly I could be wrong but that the first thing I thought of. I guess I'd take it as a compliment!

rootypig · 15/10/2014 04:53

Original poster

sunflower49 · 15/10/2014 05:06

I suppose so. I find it difficult to reason that anybody would be jealous of me because I'm just not a jealous person at all.

I wonder now if he did like me like 'that', he's a very shy lad so may have not said so if he did. Maybe you're right and that's her reason but I just struggle to think he'd have never have even hinted after one of our boozy nights out as students.
I don't think I'll go but I've got a few months to decide I suppose. Yes she did keep disagreeing with me and I got the impression at the time that she was trying to big herself up, but I didnt think much of it, I was having a good time and very happy and just put it down to 'first time meeting friends' nerves.

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 15/10/2014 06:24

It does sound like she felt threatened by you and now wants to show off 'winning' him. I wouldn't go to the wedding either way - what's the point?

rootypig · 15/10/2014 06:25

I am a bit at the idea that she must be responsible for the invitation. On the face of it, surely the man - heaven forfend - is the person extending it?

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/10/2014 06:50

Its possible that they sat down, wrote out a list and invited you.

You know, like most couples do.

You are overthinking this. Go, dont go. I doubt whether she will really give two hoots.

merrymouse · 15/10/2014 06:54

Are other mutual friends going - maybe they think you would feel left out if you weren't invited?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/10/2014 07:12

Hello op. I had such a similar situation it's untrue!

Old school friend (male) had a bit of a crush on me. We drunkenly kissed once but I was never interested in that way.

Anyway he met a woman, married her and they had 2 dc. Every time our paths crossed she was so rude to me. Sarky comments etc. I was always puzzled about it.

Anyway, they got divorced, I messaged her to say "are you ok?" And I found out that her exH, my school friend , had told her a pack of lies about me. That i relentlessly persued him, even when married, that we had slept together, the works. I was horrified!!

I told her the truth and now she and I are now great friends and I haven't spoken to him for years.

Could that have happened here?

roofio87 · 15/10/2014 07:34

Dark no people do not invite others to their wedding just to rub their face in it. yes, my fiancÃ©'s ex is invited to ours but that's coincidence..........

MaidensKiss · 15/10/2014 07:45

It sounds like - whether or not she likes you - he is inviting you as you we once fairly close friends, and even though you aren't as close any more he would like to celebrate his wedding with you. Maybe even use it a bit as bridge building - as we intend to - with people who we have drifted further from than we would like.

Unless it's a really small wedding it's not likely you'll have to spend a lot of time with her, so the question comes down to: do you want to see your friend get married?

Camolips · 15/10/2014 07:50

On another tack, I pm loads of people on FB but never want them as friends. My FB friends are people I 'talk' to all the time. Why do you want to friend her?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/10/2014 08:14

Because people use FB for different reasons than you camo.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 15/10/2014 08:19

I'd just assume that he's inviting all his old university friends even if he doesn't see much of them these days. There's no need to get all Secret Squirrel about it.

JustSpeakSense · 15/10/2014 08:25

She doesn't like you. He does like you. He doesn't have enough friends to fill his half of the numbers, so she relented and allowed you on the guest list. Don't go!

You sound like a well balanced person, with your own friends and social life. Forget these two and move on. Don't go!

JustSpeakSense · 15/10/2014 08:28

What was the inappropriate question she asked you? And what were her reasons for pushing this sensitive subject with you? Also when you messaged her on FB did she respond with a 'thanks for your message/for explaining' or did she just never respond?

Original poster

sunflower49 · 15/10/2014 11:59

Justspeak, she asked me how many people I had slept with. I told her (it isn't many at all!) and she was surprised and said she'd slept with far more than I had, and for some reason she thought I would have slept with loads and loads more than that. I said no, I don't judge anybody who has casual sex but It's never been for me. She then began asking me about issues I had with casual sex, why I didn't like it, was there some 'issue' that stopped me liking sex etc.I said I was sorry but I didn't really want to talk about the reasons why right then.

No she read but never responded. Which I found weird, she's the one that asked me after all.

That's about the size of the conversation, anyway obviously I don't remember it word for word.

MerryMouse a couple of mutuals are, yes, but these are people that see more of her and whom she likes (I assume from conversations I've had with them , not directly talking about her but involving her).
I would like to see my friend get married I think.

bitoutofpractice that's interesting and It's possible!He's so nice I don't want to think that is what has happened, though.
roofio .
camolips I wanted to friend her because she's a friend's girlfriend, whenever I was on fb I responded to his posts as did she, and it felt awkward that we'd respond to one another but weren't connected, we have lots of mutual friends and we'd attended the same hen night and a birthday 'do and sat next to one another and I just thought it was the friendly thing to do. I could be wrong, I'm no expert on fb etiquette.

just thank you-I didn't get upset that our friendship fizzled out really, yes I have other friends and I was/am genuinely happy for them.

OP posts:

Itsfab · 15/10/2014 12:59

I can't believe you told someone something so personal when you aren't even friends. It is no one's business how many people anyone sleeps with but she clearly thinks you are a very loose woman .

Do you want to go to the wedding? Are you still friends with him? I wonder if there is any point of you don't intend to rebuild the friendship with him as you and her aren't currently friends and would you want to be?

Don't go just because you have been invited. Go because you feel you are genuinely wanted there by both parties and that it would make you happy.

Bride's sometimes do stupid things and have been known to make a scene at their own wedding. Do you want to be part of some stupid game?

Of course, you could just ring him if you want to be mates again.

diddl · 15/10/2014 13:05

Why on earth would you send her a FB message about your opinions on casual sex?

Perhaps she intends to read it out at the wedding??

Original poster

sunflower49 · 15/10/2014 13:12

I was shocked at her asking me but she did push for an answer. I said something like 'not many at all' but she then asked again, she was very interested to know, which of course is a bit weird for people who aren't close friends.

I told her, then the conversation went on to her asking me why I hadn't slept with more. I do get very anxious about sex, It's probably over-anxious and I know It's an issue, but I didn't want to discuss things like that or the reasons why, in public so I said if she really wanted to know I'd message her directly rather than discuss there and then. I didn't want to be rude, and I was caught off guard.

I would say he was still a friend, we never stopped being friends we just don't see much of one another.

I definitely don't want to be part of a stupid game!

I have no idea why she'd think I was a loose woman, at all. Thanks for the advice. :)

OP posts:

diddl · 15/10/2014 13:19

I get why you told her that you'd FB message her, I just don't get why you actually did it!

Well I guess he still considers you a friend & that's why you've been invited.

maybe she does too since you share personal info!

Is it unusual to invite people you don't see very often to your wedding?

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