To wonder why I am invited to the wedding

[sunflower49]

This is a pretty trivial one I know, but I'd like opinions because I'm interested.

When I was a student I met a guy through friends. We became fairly close, chatted online a lot whilst we studied, he used to come round to my house for drinks and gatherings and stuff, we went out for drinks usually with other people too though, saw him at least once a week. But never alone together, never any romance or anything just friends. Pretty typical studenty life we both had.

He met a girl and we saw less of one another naturally, then. I met her at an event once and she was fairly 'off' with me really thinking about it, just little things like disagreeing with most things I said in conversation. Few dirty looks. But I tried to be personable and talked to her and was interested in getting to know her. Was happy my long-time single friend had met someone.

I didn't hear much from him after that at all, then we were all invited to the same gathering for a friend's birthday a couple of years ago, and at the event we all sat together, me and my DP and those two, and others-she seemed okay with me.

Then but later on when she'd had a bit to drink(which may or may not have been relevant) she asked me a pretty inappropriate question about something. I am quite easygoing,will usually chat about anything but this was really personal, and I laughed it off, but said to her that I didn't want to discuss it really here, at a table with 8 other people and that I'd send her a fb message about it later. We weren't friends on facebook, I'd friend requested her when I'd first met her but she hadn't accepted. At the time I'd thought fair enough , she doesn't know me well.

And I did msg her explaining, and she read it straightaway, you can tell when someone's read a message on facebook because facebook highlights it. I friend requested her again at this point (and this is a few years after the first request) and she rejected it immediately. I don't place a lot of importance on facebook at all, but I find this significant as I know she does,and we have lots of mutual friends, and why reject straightaway when you know the other person would probably be still online, thus would see it?

Now I am invited to their wedding,me and a plus one. It's due to be in January. I feel as if she obviously doesn't like me very much, and my friend who I've not really seen in years due to him meeting her, is really shy and not likely to be the kind to ask specifically for her to invite me, plus we're not close any longer, so I don't think It's that.

I'm curious as to what others think.

"her asking me why I hadn't slept with more. " I find this really weird! People sleep with who they want, and as long as it doesn't harm anyone thats fine. But asking why someone hasn't slept with more people is freaky - and none of her business.

I wouldn't go to the wedding. You aren't really friends, and she is weird.
You don't need to explain yourself or be made to feel a freak for not having had more partners - its a good thing for your sexual health.

I'm confused.

A couple is getting married.

Person A in the couple is someone you've known and been friends with for a long time, and at least for a while, were close to.

Person B in the couple is someone you don't know at all well and hasn't been especially friendly when you've met.

Isn't it really strange to assume your invitation has been initiated by Person B rather than Person A? Surely if a friend is getting married, and you get an invitation, you assume that you were on their list of people to invite, rather than their fiancé/fiancées list?

You are overthinking.

You need to work on your boundaries. The weekend of the wedding might be a good time. Just because someone asks you a question does not mean you have to answer ffs.

rooty - RL Stine! Ah, school library memories . . .

OP, sounds like there's something odd going on that you're not aware of. Perhaps he really did used to have a thing for you and has mentioned it to her (thus the jealous behaviour)? Or perhaps he was infatuated with you for a while and now sees an invite to the wedding as a way of drawing the line under that and bringing you into his new life as just a friend?

It's quite possible that you've been unaware of his real feelings before (understandable if he didn't tell you!) When I was in my early twenties I found out that a friend's boyfriend had been obsessed with me, to the point of talking about me when he was lying in bed with my friend. It was horrible, and it could have driven a wedge between us but luckily didn't (she dumped the douche). The point is, I had no idea. Something like this could have gone on with your friend, which might make for tension between you and his fiancée.

The asking about sexual partners thing could be a way of intimidating you and putting you down, or it could be that your friend's told her a 'script'-style story about you being man-hungry and pursuing him. I am surprised that you gave her the information though. If I were you I would engage as little as possible with any of this, as you're acting blindly without knowing what's really going on and could end up in a difficult or unpleasant situation.

I think her comment that she thought you would've slept with loads of people points to what I suggested ie that she's been told things about you (perhaps by her fiancé) that aren't true.

I think you could tie yourself up in knots and go mad trying to work this one out.
You will never know.
Perhaps she was just drunk?
Perhaps he has just invited you, as an old friend, to see him getting married.
I invited everyone to my wedding. For the evening our criterion was anyone we'd been close to that we'd like to meet up with for a drink, so, yes there were several old uni friends I hadn't seen for a while. There were also people I didn't invite, because I didn't really want to meet up with them. He wouldn't invite you if he didn't want you there. If she is a bit insecure and difficult, then he might not have many newer friends of his own.
That said, if you're going to feel really awkward and hate being there, then don't go.

Perhaps she is interested in the reason why you didn't find your friend her husband-to-be sexually attractive. Whatever she's thinking, she sounds insecure and maybe not totally trusting of him. I wonder if he knows what she has said to you. You could contact him about it and ask if everything is all right, in a casual way. For all anyone knows she could have been asking questions like this of all the females he has known. I do know that if my DH had felt the need to talk to any of my male friends about the same subject, I would have been annoyed and doubting our future together.

There again, if you aren't bothered about either of them you don't need to attend the wedding. An invitation is just that, for you as the guest to accept or decline as you wish. You don't even have to give a reason why you are not attending. As soon as you get the formal invitation, get one of those 'wedding regret' cards to send back, much easier than trying to word an email, usually you only have to write in the date of the wedding and your name.

It does sound as if she was fishing to see if you had had sex with him at all.

Unless you are really bothered, it might be best avoided!

Forget about her, do you think you friend would be happy for you to come to his wedding? I'm guessing yes. I'd go if I was you, I'd want to support and celebrate my friend's special day. Sod the bride!

She probably was fishing.

As for whether you should go, it's entirely up to you. In your position, I probably would. I wouldn't try and be mates with her, though.

I woulden't go. I would have not messaged her either.

Wow loads of replies, I'll try address individually.

mummytime it was weird at the time and I felt uncomfortable, and as itsfab says, I know I don't have to answer-but when you're put right on the spot like that and asked a question that you feel isn't appropriate, you say an answer you think will end the conversation, and it doesn't, and then you get questioned further-I was out of my depth and didn't really know what to say.

I messaged her because she is the fiance of somebody I like, for whatever reason she was interested in my answer, and although I do have anxieties about sex-I'm not really ashamed of it nor proud of it, It's just one of those things. I also thought perhaps she didn't believe me!

flowery I wasn't assuming the invitation was inititated by her. I assumed (rightly or wrongly) that they had discussed together, whom they would invite and I found it weird that I was one of them.

adam how horrible for your friend. Useful reply thank you .

bitoutof yes it could be right could that, I do want to think not, though.

girlywhirly I have thought about doing that (messaging him) but I don't want to be thought of as the weird one, knowing how I am finding her approach to me, weird. You're right, I'd feel the same, if my DP had asked any of my male friends that, for that matter.

Thanks for the responses everyone :)

If your friend is shy and doesn't make new friends easily, maybe he still consider's you one of his close friends even though you don't any more?

And the idea that wedding invitations are all down to the bride, and the groom would have to 'ask her specifically' to invite people is bizarre to me.

She seems dreadfully insecure as It does seem as though she's fishing for details of whether you slept with this guy. Perhaps she doesn't trust that he said you two were friends.
But I am biased. I met the massively insecure partner of my first boyfriend who kept trying to take the piss out of 'how crap' he'd learnt to be and 'she'd had to teach him because I was clearly useless in bed'. I just laughed in her face (he and I were together bloody years before and each others firsts, of course it started off 'inexpert') and I just made some 'wow, things must be quiet if you need to discuss teenage sex on those long nights' comments. She doesn't like me much. But quite honestly if he's discussing his sex life with me (20 years ago) they have bigger problems!

Sunflower, I don't think he will think you are the weird one, he has known you longer than he has known her. She has badgered you about your sex life inappropriately. It just sounds as though there is a potential issue with her trusting him and it is her issue alone disliking you. I doubt once they are married you could ever have a normal relaxed friendship with them again, together or alone.

Maybe your friends shyness has made him believe that he is lucky to have someone who is willing to marry him, even if he has the odd niggling doubt; in which case it's his decision whether to stick with her regardless or put off the wedding.

From my own experience, when my DH and I got together he was still friends with his exgf. We went out for dinner with her and her partner. They came to our wedding, and we exchange Christmas cards. DH and his exgf had mutually decided to go their separate ways, but I believed that it was truly in the past and trusted DH then as I do now. I never would have asked her about their sex life, because it's none of my business, and not at all relevant to my marriage.

So to me your friends fiancee is the weird one. Drunk or not she had no right to behave as she did.

That's true dreamerdoer . Okay well what I meant was, I would find it bizarre that she'd invite me. So unless there was some actual reason for her to, untoward or otherwise, then he would have had to have asked for me to be.

Seasavage good comeback!

Girly, he definitely feels like that.

He's a nice looking guy with a successful business and his own house but he's always been very insecure, I used to try to make it not so, but It's pretty ingrained.

I am friends (really close friends actually!) with one of DP's exes. She's single too, but they went their separate ways years before and I know theres' nothing there and I like her a lot as a person, it wouldn't ever occur to me to be any other way. So I,too, find this behavior bizarre.

I can see it coming up in a very jokey, mickey taking sort of conversation perhaps. But that's about it.

"I wasn't assuming the invitation was inititated by her. I assumed (rightly or wrongly) that they had discussed together, whom they would invite and I found it weird that I was one of them."

But your reasons for finding it weird seem to focus on your relationship with your friend's fiancée. Surely when considering whether it's weird to be invited to a wedding you consider that in the light of your closest relationship with a member of the couple.

just seems like a bit of a drama over nothing. Just decide whether you want to go to your old friend's wedding regardless of who he is marrying.

Good grief, fancy asking someone (anyone!) how many people they'd slept with!!! And then 'why wasn't it more?' ??!! And fancy answering them!! Totally nobody's business. She's jealous of your previous acquaintance with her fiance.

I'd give this wedding a miss and forget about it/them. The whole thing seems a bit odd to me. This lady sounds like Trouble with a capital T.

I think sometimes people ask you because you're part of a group and they want the group of friends there, so that it will be a laugh.

Other times people don't have many friends and are trying to drum up numbers.

I would decline the invitation myself. It's uncomfortable going to a wedding if you don't really feel welcome.