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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not get birthdays?

45 replies

scrappydappydoo · 15/10/2014 01:22

Its my birthday in a couple of weeks time and I'm already being pestered by people about what I'm going to 'do' - ermm well nothing actually I mean I don't get the whole - I'm a year older so I must go and 'celebrate'. I have found what people actually mean is that they want a night out so I'm the excuse - so I'm therefore 'boring' to not do anything. And then I get accused of being worried about getting older - well no - I'm 42 and quite happy with it actually. And dont get me started on why I have to bring in cake for 20+ people or i get accused of being stingy. It just seems bizarre that MY birthday seems to be about making other people happy . Surely i can do what i want which is no fuss at all??

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 15/10/2014 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 15/10/2014 01:28

Totally totally agree with you.

I was accused of being boring not celebrating my 40th.

Er no thanks. Bottle or three of wine with dh and older kids and a meal with the younger kids.

Why would you wish to spend a shed load of money on a party for your mates.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 15/10/2014 01:29

Ah Derek your mum sounds great.

Original poster

scrappydappydoo · 15/10/2014 01:32

I'm not doing anything and I'm happy with that. Other people aren't though and keep pestering me and its irritating. I genuinely don't get this obsession with birthdays.

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 15/10/2014 01:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 15/10/2014 01:43

Yes but some people make it a bloody huge deal and get the hump.

Ver ver annoying.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/10/2014 02:15

Do whatever suits you best. I am having a major party this year for my birthday. I will be 50. And the reason I wish to spend a shed load of money on a party for your mates is because I have never married, never will marry, but think that having been alive for half a century is as good a justification for having a fucking big party as padlocking myself to someone else would be - if not a better one.

Whippet81 · 15/10/2014 03:35

Well just do what you want then and say I don't celebrate to people.

No need to rain on everyone else's parade. I've never done anything big - last year it was hair and nails done and lunch out I think but I'm not going to feel guilty for a little self indulgence because some people 'don't get birthdays'. Life is bloody hard.

God forbid 'friends' want to make a fuss of you.

LadyLuck10 · 15/10/2014 07:28

To me you sound miserable not celebrating birthdays. But that just me. If you don't want to, then you don't have to. No big deal.

jamdonut · 15/10/2014 07:42

I feel the same tbh.

I was 50 in September, but didn't have a huge party or anything. My daughter (17) and I went out for tea. Husband was on lates at work ,one son just gone to Uni, the other on a school trip to France.

I always feel that parties are about entertaining everyone else, rather than pleasing the one whose birthday it is. Which is why I never went in for big parties for the kids when they were little,either. One or two special friends for tea/treat only.

As a result eldest never wanted a big 'do' for his 18th or 21st so we just had a family dinner out. Daughter is 18 soon. I don't think she wants a party either, preferring just to be with had favourite friends on the day, even though others are having major celebrations as they reach theirs.

I don't think it makes us ' miserable' in any way !

CheeseEqualsHappiness · 15/10/2014 07:50

Have never really done anything special on mine and it doesn't bother me. I am not very good at being kind to myself though so this may have deep roots

GnomeDePlume · 15/10/2014 07:51

I do get you. I am a bit meh about birthdays.

I do wonder if some of this is to do with early experiences of birthdays and also what time of year they are. It is something you cant change about yourself.

My DM is very much into her own birthday. She fantasises about turning her birthday into an annual family celebration. Her birthday is in July and there arent other family birthdays close to it.

My birthday is in early new year and I shared it with DF. So my early experience of birthday is that it wasnt my day, it was shared. It is also the 'wrong' time of year for parties as everybody is in the throes of their new year resolutions.

For DH and me we put more emphasis on the 'couple' celebrations of wedding anniversary and St Valentines.

Surfsup1 · 15/10/2014 08:12

Just lie.
Tell them you're going away or that you're going to a spa for a pampering night.
If you get caught you can always say you had to cancel at the last minute. It just saves fending off all the birthday-excitment.

answerthebloodyphone · 15/10/2014 10:06

YANBU

You don't have to do anything. It's not compulsory.

FWIW I don't celebrate my birthday.

answerthebloodyphone · 15/10/2014 10:08

Thebody people always call me boring because I never want to do anything for my birthdays.

I did celebrate when I was younger but that was more because other people expected it so it was for other people's sake rather than mine.

larryphilanddave · 15/10/2014 11:11

I don't understand why it would be miserable not to want to do something special for a birthday? We don't really mark any occasions in our household, but we're not miserable either. We just do fun stuff/treats/special days out etc when we feel like it and when we have the time and money. Same with present buying, we just do it when we see something we think would make a great present and if we can afford it, rather than focusing on having a gift for a certain date.

It sounds like the OP is quite fine with their approach to birthdays, more that they don't understand why other people have an issue with it. It doesn't sound like the other people want to make a fuss of the OP, just that they seem displeased that the OP isn't doing a big night out, or bringing cake to work, or what have you. I can understand why the OP would get a bit tired of being criticised for not making a big deal of their own birthday, if the other people care about the OP then surely they'd just get that the OP doesn't want to do those things?

In the end, isn't it about the recipient/birthday person? My DM would feel a bit put out if I didn't mark her birthday, so I always send her a card for the day if I'm not seeing her at the same time (we live far away), and we get together and have a meal and such. Because that's what she wants. But I get her gifts and such whenever I feel like it throughout the year, because that's how I've always been, and she appreciates the spontaneous thoughtful things rather than me getting something nondescript just for her birthday. On my birthday she might come around but she knows we won't be planning anything, and sometimes she gets me gifts and such and I appreciate the thought and the effort but I wouldn't expect anything from her and I certainly wouldn't want to plan a big thing. We're all happy. I think that system works, we respect each other and want to make the other happy and so we do things accordingly.

RiverTam · 15/10/2014 11:15

why are you friends with people who don't seem to know you very well and criticise you in this way? I don't have any friends like this, I don't get it. If I wanted to do something and invited friends, they'd come. If I didn't and anyone asked and I said I didn't fancy it, that would be that. I don't think I've ever had this kind of thing, whatever I've done.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 15/10/2014 11:18

SGB can I come then? I don't mind you spending a shed load of money! I am 50 too!

AlleyCat11 · 15/10/2014 11:19

Love my birthday. I always celebrate. Small family & we do something special together for each of our birthdays. With most of my friends, we tend to do the kids birthdays now. Child-free friends, it's dinner & drinks. Any excuse for a party! My 40th is not far away...

Fudgeface123 · 15/10/2014 11:21

I cannot get excited about birthdays or Christmas...I just don't care. Really, really pisses me off that I was called boring for not having a 40th last year. O/H took me away for a fortnight in the sun, that was much better than throwing a party for people, some of which I don't see from year to year. O/H has already booked for us to go away this Christmas (my birthday too) as he knows I don't like the fuss.

Celebrate your birthday/Christmas however you like and sod what other people think.

Littledidsheknow · 15/10/2014 11:24

YANBU the fuss and expense of birthdays is ridiculous. A big party with me at the centre of it is my idea of hell. I was uncomfortable with my wedding for that reason.
A modest dinner out with DH and DC is my ideal birthday.

mawbroon · 15/10/2014 11:45

I never used to be that fussed about birthdays.

LIke a PP mentioned, I reckon it was tied up with not being able to be kind to myself. I am in no way suggesting that this applies to everyone who is not keen on birthdays - just that it was my situation.

But, a couple of years back, I had severe mental illness, including suicidal depression. It was bloody awful and now I want to celebrate the fact that I'm still here and enjoying life again

ddubsgirl77 · 15/10/2014 11:55

Im the same never do anything for my birthday the last 2 i have worked and people say oh why dont you book it off cos thats what they all do ?? my dh birthday is 2 weeks before mine so we always do something for his which does normally mean by time its mine im skint so over the years i have got less bothered by it

wellnowthenmardybum · 15/10/2014 11:57

Birthdays are brilliant. You get paid for being born. It's like being kim kardashian for a day

BreadForBrains · 15/10/2014 12:09

I had a party recently for my 30th, it was the first time id had a cake and party on my birthday since I was 6!
I don't usually bother celebrating in the traditional sense, but look forward to a Chinese takeaway from the fancy place up the road and bottle of something on my birthday usually. Keeps me happy :)
I have a SIL who is lovely but every year books the day off then tries to to people down to make plans with her in addition to a night out. God, I like her (genuinely, I do!) but come on

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